


parentified

by dinofcker



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Tsukishima Kei, Bad Parenting, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Depression, Developing Relationship, Domestic Disputes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Slice of Life, Slow Romance, Smoking, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 78,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25239409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinofcker/pseuds/dinofcker
Summary: Tadashi watched the water fill the tub. The drain was clogged. He knew it needed to be cleaned properly, it was all the disgusting hair his mother left behind and never bothered to clean up after herself.Of course not. It’s my job.He choked back his tears. He was not going to cry over something so trivial and stupid. Everything he did would revolve back to him being at fault.It’s always my fault.He hated everything about himself today. He squeezed as much as he could from the last remnant of the shampoo bottle, fortunately it was enough. But it was the last and knowing his parents, they’d wait to buy more until they screamed at each other first.He let the soap wash off freely, too tired to rinse it himself. It was a weird pleasure seeing water spin down the drain, watching a mini typhoon. Now it was cloudy cold water climbing up the tub.tadashi did not sign up for this shit, but kei won't let him be alone ever again.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 70
Kudos: 300





	1. blackbird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
> Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
> All your life  
> You were only waiting for this moment to arise

**Emotional parentification** involves a child. Listening to a parent talk about their problems. Offering advice to a parent. Mediating between a parent and another family member. Serving as a confidante for their parent.

* * *

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

Tadashi’s eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the pale blue light hitting on his face. He grumbled, turning around, trying to bring sleep back. He refused to acknowledge daytime. 

“I wouldn’t have to do this shit if you’d just be fucking useful!”

He groaned into his futon. His back hurt like someone tied him to a stick and had him roast in the pits of hell for hours. Oh wait, they probably did. He tried to convince his dad to let him get at least a mattress, but the discussion ended in “Get a job”, knowing damn well his school didn’t allow it. 

“Clean it up!”

“You threw it, you do it!” 

Tadashi sighed. Letting his lungs exhale all the air. He didn’t inhale. He held his breath.

“What the fuck Hiro?”

His lungs started clawing for air. Envy filled it, envy for everything living. _Let me breathe_. He wouldn’t give in. He let the claws sink in, desperately digging into his body, forcing him to pry open his airway.

“Get the fuck out!”

_Ahh, he's trying to kick her out again._

He inhaled, feeling his lungs, overcrowded with the oxygen he deprived it of.

“I wish you were dead!”

He pulled his blanket over his head. Letting the heat muster beneath it. It was too hot for it, but he didn’t care. He shut his eyes, trying to drown out the sounds inside his house. He focused on the soft hums the fan made.

“This wouldn’t have happened if you stopped fucking drinking!”

He hummed along to a song he’s never heard of.

“I wouldn’t have to drink if you were home more!”

He covered his ears with tight fists. Listening to his pounding heart. Its pace increased the harder he breathed.

“Get a hobby! Take care of your kid!”

“He’s _your_ kid!”

“You know damn well he’s not mine you bi-”

Tadashi let out a groan of frustration and yanked the blanket off. He slammed the door open and shut it. He let his head bump onto it, feeling the hard wood press against his forehead. Sometimes he wished he was strong enough to smash through it like a superhero, but not to look cool, more or less to just destroy something. He’s done this exact action before as a child. It was a passive aggressive way to shut his parents up. They picked up on it when they realized they were being too loud past 3 am one night. 

The yelling stopped, it always did at first. There were harsh whispers echoing off into the hallways, trickling into the small gap from beneath his door. He laid down onto the futon, his knees popped on the way down. He ran his fingers through his dingy hair. He hadn’t taken a shower during the weekend. There wasn’t any water. He crossed his fingers he had at least a little today. 

There were harsh knocks on his door.

“Breakfast is ready.” His mother's voice felt as if someone was holding her upside down. It slurred every now and then, but he assumed she was just having another bad hangover. His mother's cure? More beer. 

The feet on the other side of the door walked away. Tadashi rubbed his eyes hard, spots filled his vision. He wished they were real black holes that came to suck him in. He bets there are no parents in the void. He would do anything to cease from existing. He sat up once the spots cleared up. 

He felt the cold doorknob, half loose from abuse it took. He eyed a crack at the corner of his door. It wasn’t there yesterday. He shrugs and joins his mother in the kitchen. She has a cup of burnt coffee in front of her, staring into it. Whatever it was, was probably more interesting than his life. He can’t remember a time she ever looked at him in any way besides disgust, tiredness, and regrets.

_It’s your fault I’m stuck here._

He knows. He’s always known. He looked at his bowl of milk, soggy cereal was floating around all bloated. He twirled it around with a spoon. 

“Don’t play with your food.” Her voice was raspy. He could tell how much yelling she’s done. Her voice was gone by the end of the day, but today she’s reached her max.

“Let him starve.” His father responded for him. Tadashi settled for picking a few pieces on the spoon, letting it sit there before putting it back in. They were alphabet cereal. He tried to make a word but could never pick up the letter T.

His father stuck a cigarette burning between his lips, sitting on their broken couch, the springs underneath failing to bounce back. 

“Fucking couch.”

Tadashi had no words. He’s told them they needed a new one. They told him, “Just because you have a brain, you think you can decide what we do with our money?”. He failed to pick up the letter K.

He sighed letting the spoon clink against the bowl. He eyed the coffee pot. Cigarette smoke tangled with burnt coffee and alcohol sprayed on the walls. He found a new brown stain against the grimy walls. That marks the 52nd stain in the house. He always kept count. 

“For fuck’s sake, can you stop moping around and do something useful for once?” His father’s voice was like a pair of talons. It would pinch the tip of your ear and hang there until your eyes bleed. 

His mother stood up, coffee cup tilted to the side. The drips were soothing. It was like a black muddy river, trailing its way to the linoleum floor. It was rather therapeutic. He didn’t register his mother rushing to the bathroom. He knew she wouldn’t come out anytime soon. So he would go through another day without a shower. Big deal. 

He felt his foot slip as he made his way to the coffee pot and caught himself before his face met the floor. Sharp tingling sensations ran through his palm, creeping towards his wrist. Pain. His vision wasn’t clear from sleep yet, but he could sense wet liquid and a sharp sensation piercing his palms as glass cracked beneath him. 

“Fucking kid can’t even watch where he’s going.” His dad grumbled, as he nonchalantly flipped channels.

He bit his tongue from lashing out profanities. It hurt like a bitch. All he wanted was a cup of coffee, maybe this was the world telling him to deny it. It was probably best to avoid it then. 

He rooted his knees to help set him up, trying to put less pressure on his hands. He winced as glass shards fell out of his palms. Tiny beads of blood rose from his skin. He moved around the pool of glass to wash off the glass pieces, using his less injured hand to open the faucet.

No water.

He used a paper towel instead.

He shrugged, letting the stinging sensation settle into his skin. He walked around the puddles of coffee and beer and straight to his room. The phone buzzed, lighting up and showing the current time. It was barely 6 am. 

**tsukki: gm.**

He felt a glass shard press against his palm. He looked back to it, pulling it out. He didn’t bleed a lot, but it was still a hassle to deal with. He was more moody about not taking a shower. He slowly typed out a response, relinquishing the taps of each key he pressed. 

**yams: good morning**

He threw his phone back on the desk, letting it clatter harshly. He gathered his things before he put on his uniform. He ran a hand through his hair. Pieces of glass flickered past his ears. He made sure to sweep it gently with a half broken broom and dustpan. 

He passed by a full body mirror his mother hung in his room when they first moved in. His face twisted with disgust. He didn’t enjoy the greasy feeling. He looked shitty. He always looked shitty. But today, he was shittier than usual. 

**yams: can i borrow your shower?**

He pulled his backpack and gym bag over his shoulders. The handle to his gym bag was slightly falling apart. What else is new? Isn’t everything falling apart at this point? 

He felt a buzz in his pocket. He made sure to leave the front door locked before checking it, knowing his dad would be pissed about it later. 

_I go to work in an hour. Why do you insist of locking it every damn time?_

It's not his problem. He didn't cause him to be late. He just wanted a reason to be angry and smoke. 

**tsukki: sure**

He made his way to his friend’s house, glancing at the clock. The bright pale green numbers burned his eyes. His eyes hadn’t adjusted to the outside light yet. The numbers **6:12** mocked him. 

* * *

Kei fumbled down the hall as he reached for the door. His hands accidentally bumped his glasses off the nightstand, too lazy to reach for them, he left them. He'd have his friend look for it for making him get out of bed so early. He's not late to school, just procrastinating from seeing idiots. He hissed at the cold sensation against his palm. He pulled it open, narrowly missing his nose. A snort filled the space in front of him. 

"Yamaguchi." Kei muttered. Tadashi wrinkled his nose as Kei's breath tickled his face. He hadn't realized how close they were but he doubts his friend could see. 

"You could have at least brushed your teeth before greeting me." Kei grumbled, moving to the side. Tadashi took off his shoes and slid into the extra pair of slippers by the door. After the gazillionth time he came over, Kei’s mother went to get him his own pair of slippers to keep by the door. He blushed when Kei announced his own shoes had its own spot. Sometimes when Hinata and Kageyama came over to study, Kei got upset when Hinata tried to wear them. Hinata didn’t say anything about the blonde getting defensive over a pair of slippers. He just shook it off as him being the ‘Stingyshima’ he is.

“Leave your clothes out.” Kei took a misstep when he reached his room. Tadashi snickered.

“Why?”

“Your clothes are all wrinkled. I’ll iron them for you.” Kei brought out a soft pale green towel. Before Tadashi reached to take it, Kei pulled it back. “After you get my classes from behind the nightstand.

Tadashi blinked.

“Did you push them off again?”

“Shut up! Go get them.” Kei shoved the towel under his arm and stalked off to the bathroom. Tadashi lightly chortled as he reached behind the nightstand. His fingers curled around the temples and pulled up. He lifted them to the small crack of light, peaking around the curtains. There was a bit of lint on the lens, but no scratches. He heard a cough behind him. 

“I found them.” Tadashi met Kei by the door, neatly placing them on his face. Kei’s breath stuttered, his eyesight clearing as the nose pads touched the bridge of his nose.

“Thanks.” He wrapped his hands around Tadashi’s wrist, pulling them away from the temples. Tadashi’s freckles stood out against his pale skin. His baggy eyes were getting darker. Kei wanted to cup his cheeks and pinch them, feel the soft skin. Tadashi smiled lightly, pulling away from Kei’s grasp and reaching a hand towards his chest. He barely pressed against it, feeling the pulse beat. 

“Hey Kei, I found the iron. Oh…” Akiteru paused behind them. Tadashi felt his cheeks prickle with embarrassment. Kei whipped with pink cheeks and muttered a thanks as he took the iron from his hands. Tadashi gulped out an excuse and sped walked to the bathroom.

“So…” Akiteru started.

“Not another word.” Kei got caught watching Tadashi reach the bathroom door.

“Tadashi huh?” Kei slammed the door shut as Akiteru cackled in the hallway.

  
  


Tadashi didn’t hate his freckles. He has his good days like everyone else, sometimes he thinks of them like the tallest sunflowers in a field. He traced them around his cheeks, slowly drifting his hands around his body. There were freckles scattered around his body, they were lighter than the ones on his face. 

On bad days, they were specks of dirt. They were drops of mud, permanently stained around his body. He didn’t understand why some people used makeup to give them false makeup. He’d do anything to get rid of them, if he could afford a concealer to cover them, he would. If he could take off his skin, he could.

He felt a shiver creep from his neck, down to his arms. He rubbed his hands around them, trying to warm himself up. Water slid down the side of his face, dripping right off his chin. He sighed, looking in the mirror. His clothes, cleaned and ironed, waited beside. He was debating putting them on half wet. The towel around his hips slipped off, he didn’t realize until he felt cool air rush between his thighs.

“Uh.” Kei stood by the door, bright red.

Tadashi covered himself as best as he could.

“Oh my god! Knock!” Kei slammed the door shut.

“B-breakfast. Kitchen.” Kei couldn’t form a sentence. The image still lingered in his brain.

“Okay!” Kei scurried off, running right to his and planted his face straight to the pillow. If his ears could give off smoke, they would.

Tadashi stomped into the room with clean clothes, wet towel in hand. 

“I’m so-” Kei looked towards him, sitting himself up.

“I can’t believe you opened the door without knocking. You saw my junk!”

“If it helps, it looks nice?”

“KEI!” Tadashi felt his whole body flush, pale red tinted his cheeks as he smacked the towel on Kei’s shoulder. Kei bursted into laughter and rubbed his right shoulder.

“Ugh, you’re so- ugh!” He shoved the towel into Kei’s face and stalked off.

“I made you your favorite! Banana pancakes!” Kei called out, feeling his burning face finally cool down. He’d blame the heat for making him feel so hot today, but he knew walking in on your friend, buck naked, had probably something to do with it. He folded the towel and placed it in the guest’s basket to wash. 

Tadashi wasn’t all that shocked that Kei saw him naked. It wasn’t the first. Get your mind out of the gutter, it wasn’t like that at all. Growing up with your best friend, you’re bound to see things you probably shouldn’t. He didn’t mind, but that didn’t mean it’d make it any less embarrassing. 

  
  


“Are you still mad?” Kei teased, stuffing a piece of fluffy pancake into his mouth.

“No. Just embarrassed.” Tadashi grumbled, drowning his pancake in more syrup.

“Jeez, don’t kill it.” Kei snatched the bottle out of his hands.

“If I can’t drown my sorrows out, then I’ll drown my pancakes.” He cut a piece before angrily munching it into pieces. He felt like a shark tearing apart whatever he could stuff in his mouth.

Akiteru walked into the kitchen with an empty cup.

“Mom is gonna be mad you left it in your room overnight again.” Kei took his last gulp of tea before gathering both of the boy’s dishes.

“Yeah well, not as much as Tadashi being walked in on naked by someone who didn’t knock.” Akiteru smirked, putting his cup in the sink and holding a hip with a hand.

Tadashi reddened. “You both suck.” He threw his hands in the air, giving up. Kei awkwardly laughed, covering his face as much as possible with the ends of his school jacket. He felt a small pat on his back. Akiteru winked. 

He muttered a few complaints before following Tadashi to the front door. 

“Do you have your math assignment?” Tadashi stiffened. 

“No.” Kei raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not like you to forget homework.” Kei shuffled through his bag and pulled out a green notebook. “Here.” He grabbed Tadashi’s hand and placed it there.

“Uh, what are you doing?”

“Letting you copy. Duh.” Kei settled his backpack and gym bag around his shoulders. 

“I don’t need it.” Tadashi shoved the notebook to Kei’s chest.

“Yamaguchi, please.” Kei grabbed his shoulders. “You’ve been really tired and I’m worried. I really don’t mind if you need help once in awhile.” He tightened his grip, leaning forward. 

“Please.” His eyes etched with worry. Tadashi learned that Kei had a nice face. His nose and cheeks were losing their baby fat. He had quite a handsome chiseled face. He liked it. A lot.

“Okay.” Tadashi finally sighed out. He leaned forward, resting his head on Kei’s chest. Kei let go of his shoulders, awkwardly letting them hang in the air. He wanted to wrap his arms around, hug the life out of him. But his heart was beating too fast to focus on anything else. 

“I like listening to your heart.” Tadashi uttered, voice muffled while pressing his face into the white shirt. He didn’t care if it wrinkled, neither of them did. 

“I’m here for you.” Kei let his hand slowly fall to hold him, but Tadashi pulled away.

“Sorry. I’m just really tired.” Tadashi shook it off, not noticing what Kei was doing with his hands. Kei nodded and took out his phone. 

**7:00 am.**

“We should get going. You want anything on the way?” Kei offered, hoping Tadashi would at least buy lunch. Tadashi shook his head and opened the door, eyes squinting at the sun beaming down. His vision was clouded, dark green and violet spots filled his vision.

“Ah!” He shielded his eyes as he walked forward, narrowly tripping on the front step.

“Dork.” Kei snorted into his hand.

_I want to be with you._

He let his mind roam as they walked together side by side. He enjoyed the peaceful silence between them, sometimes Tadashi would ramble, but always listened. It was the only time he actually didn’t want to listen to music, he liked the ones that came out of his friend’s mouth instead. He let himself daydream as they walked on.

“Why has it been so hot recently?” Tadashi wondered aloud, looking at the graffiti among the walls.

“Global warming.” Kei said nonchalantly. His eyes tracing every inch of Tadashi’s relaxed face. His eyebags look heavier. 

“Have you been sleeping okay?” Kei looked forward again, listening to Tadashi’s footsteps as they stumbled a bit. _Hmm._

Tadashi wringed his hands nervously. “I’m fine.” He struggled to make an excuse. He’s not used to lying to Kei. He never had to before. But things were getting worse and he’d do anything to protect his best friend. 

Kei hummed. He didn’t like poking into people’s business unless it served him as blackmail material. But this was his friend he was talking about. He had to know why Tadashi has been avoiding his questions like a plague. He wasn’t contagious. He doesn’t bite. Well his words do, but it’s Tadashi. _He tells me everything. Right?_

“What about you and Akiteru?” Tadashi pulled a warm smile. 

“We’re doing better. It’s still awkward.” Kei muttered. He remembered the day Akiteru hugged him and cried on his shoulder. He learned he sucks at being affectionate but for some reason, he wanted to do all sorts of physical contact to Tadashi. He stopped his mind from wandering off.

“That’s nice.”

“How?”

“You have someone close whenever you need them.” Tadashi felt like a brick hit him. He didn’t mean to say that out loud. He felt a shiver run down his back. Cold nails scratching against his skin, leaving red marks behind. He felt guilty. _You idiot._

“Yamaguchi?” He didn’t realize he stopped walking.

“Sorry. Let’s go.” He started walking ahead at a fast pace. Kei was beginning to think Tadashi might have been hiding something. _Maybe this is something he doesn’t want to talk about._ Either way, he was his best friend, and he needed to step up and act like it. He took out his phone and sent a text to Suga. Suga could read him as well as Ennoshita. It's quite impressive, but they're also really smart. He recalled the moments they pointed out his inner feelings despite having a stoic expression majority of the time.

**tsukishima: can i talk to you before practice?**

**sugawara: sure. is everything okay?**

**tsukishima: i need some advice**

**sugawara: may i know why?**

**tsukishima: yamaguchi**

**sugawara: oh**

**sugawara: come by the third year wing @ lunch instead. im glad you realized something was up.**

**tsukishima: you noticed too?**

**sugawara: yeah but everytime i try to ask him something he just evades it like im a wild dog**

**tsukishima: he did that to me too…**

**sugawara: im worried. but you’re his best friend, he’ll def talk to you. stop by at lunch?**

**tsukishima: k**

He shoved his phone in his pocket and hurried his pace. Tadashi was up by a few steps, he didn’t look back. Kei was getting worried. He never thought of Tadashi as someone who followed him, he always knew Tadashi was someone who walked ahead of him, but today was different. He didn’t walk ahead as someone who held up his head high, striding the halls with pride. Today, he walked ahead to keep people behind him, as if he were protecting them. _Is he hiding something because he thinks we’ll get hurt?_

He wanted to run up to him and shake his shoulders until he crumbled. He wanted him to yell at him, scream at him even, anything that'll make him crack. He wanted to be let in. He wanted to tear down the walls Tadashi thought he hid so well. Kei had walls to protect him from other's lies. Other's betrayal. But Tadashi? His heart was locked 600 feet underground, and Kei was losing him. He was slipping through his fingers, trying to grab what was left, and having to pretend that Tadashi would never leave him. But the fear still hung in the back of his mind. He knew something was wrong, yet he did nothing. He needed to change. But change never came easy. He felt alone. He was thrown back to having no friends and being hated by everyone for having a shitty attitude.

 _No it's not like that._ _Not anymore._

He wasn't buddy buddy with everyone on the team, but he did look up to some third years. He did respect the second years. He had a lot of respect for his best friend. Except Hinata and Kageyama, fuck them. He chuckled at himself. He knew he needed to do something if he wanted to be close to Tadashi. Tadashi was close to him, so why shouldn't he be close to Tadashi.

Kei’s heart ached. He was beginning to stress, unsure how he should approach his friend. He just has to wait and talk to Suga. Suga is a good guy, he’ll definitely have an idea. He created hand signs for Kageyama and Hinata, he can definitely find a way to help him and Tadashi. 

“Tadashi.” Tadashi stopped walking. He turned around with wide eyes. He used his given name. He said it like it was honey being dipped into tea. He liked that feeling.

“Tsukki?” Tadashi asked in shock.

“I’ll be that someone you need.” Kei confessed. The tip of his ears blushed. Heat rose from his chest, it was a warm fuzzy feeling, a feeling he wanted to hold against him and keep there forever. He liked that warmth.

Tadashi didn’t say anything. He saw Kei, as the wind blew through his hair, leaves falling around him. He looked mesmerizing. He gasped as the words hit him. It made his heart pound faster. He felt his whole body relax, every tense muscle he was sore from, let go. 

“Okay!” Tadashi couldn’t help his smile, bright and wide. His eyes were glassy. Kei saw him for the first time, a different kind of happiness ran through his veins. Tadashi’s hair waved in the wind, he wanted to run his fingers through it. The pale face he wore had some color. He shined like he was the only light in a dark never ending hallway. The path he wanted to walk on was the one with Tadashi in it. Damn it, he will walk on the path for all of eternity just to be with him. 

He used to run away whenever Tadashi made him feel nervous. Tadashi would smile at anything and it made his heart pound against his chest. He always thought he might have had asthma. Up until today, he realized what the feeling he had since he first started befriending him. 

_Oh… So this is what they mean._

_I’m in love._

Kei smiled. His hands craved, wanting to hold Tadashi. He wanted to hold him tight, let them fall into a blanket of comfort. He wanted to be the blanket.

“Okay.” Kei nodded and stepped to his friend’s side. They walked together, arms brushing together a few times. No one pulled away. Tadashi laughed as Kei made remarks about their friends in volleyball. 

_This is what I need. This is what makes me happy._

_You make me happy._

And gosh darn it, he’ll do everything he can to make Tadashi happy too. Boyfriend or best friend, he was going to be there. Tadashi pointed out a small blackbird landing on the fence beside them.

“Look, Tsukki!” Tadashi took out Kei’s phone from his pocket and typed in the password to take a picture.

**8598.**

“It’s so pretty.”

“It is.” _You’re pretty._

“I wish I could fly.” Tadashi said and handed the phone back. 

Kei noticed the sad hint in his voice. He took his phone back.

“Well, I’ll give you mine so you can learn.” He said proudly. Tadashi looked at him with fondness. He gave him a small smile and hooked an arm around Kei’s. 

“We’ll fly together.” He said in return and pulled him along.

_Oh, I’m so in love._


	2. don't lose your head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry not sorry 'bout what I said  
> Don't lose your head

Tadashi looked into his bag. _I spy with my tired eye, a fucking missing bento box. Again._ He groaned as his bag hit the floor. He tugged the hair on the sides of his head. He felt strings connected to his chest, they pulled at his heart. It was frustrating. It was so fucking frustrating. He’s told his mother countless times that she needed to go buy groceries, but she turns it against him.

_Since you’re so grown up, you do it._

If he had money, he would. If he could get a job, he’d ask Shimada for a part time job. If he was older, he’d move out. He’d say _fuck this place_ and pack his stuff. Not like he had a lot to pack anyways. 

_Fuck._

He remembered the argument that night. His father was complaining how his mother was useless, a disgrace. He didn’t understand why his father couldn’t trust his mom to do even the simplest tasks. His fingers curved around loose strands of hair, pulling harder as every word hit him.

_We have a kid to feed!_

_He’s your kid, you feed him!_

_Why do you insist that he’s not yours!_

_Because we know damn well I don’t raise fucking pansies._

His breathing stopped. Angry teeth sunk into his lungs. The pain increased as he held in his breath. His head pounded from the overwhelming pain. He will not cry. Not today. He will not crack in school, in public, and especially in front of Kei. 

“Yamaguchi?”

His name echoed off the walls, piercing his ears, clawing his insides and dragging down his entire body. 

_Get me out of here. Please._

"Yamaguchi!" He felt a pair of hands shake him by the arms. He hadn't realized how tight he shut his eyes. 

The familiar spots came back, covering the face before him. He blinked a few times, hoping his eyes would adjust faster.

"Are you okay?" The room started to move around. The air felt heavier, making it difficult to breathe. He tried to swallow but his throat was dry. Pain stabbed in his stomach. He didn't finish his pancakes. He felt guilty for wasting such good food all because he let his thoughts convince him. 

_Control._

He craved it. He wanted it so badly. He wasn’t moving in any direction, constantly looking back and forth. Trying to open every door in the room, only to find it locked. No matter how hard he pushed and kicked, the door remained closed. He spun around looking for an exit only to meet an endless dark tunnel. 

His breathing accelerated. His body trembled, the floor felt like he was standing on snakes. It wasn’t right. Everything was off balance. The world was tilting and he had trouble standing upright with it. 

_Control._

He lacked a lot of control. He may have seemed like someone with a lot of patience, and he did, but not with himself. He never allowed himself to be contemptuous with anything, always striving for others. He shocked himself when he let his feet walk to the mart, asking Shimada to teach him. A door felt loose as he turned the knob, sparking a kind of joy inside of him. 

But he never got past the doorway. He stumbled upon a wall behind it. He started crumbling to the floor desperately begging for a path to light itself. He didn’t have anywhere else to go. It always traced back to his home, a rundown complex with dirty walls and floors, and cracked doors and windows. He hated everything he laid his eyes on. 

His mind scattered back to the empty bento box. The barren box stared back at him. He knew what it felt like to be void of any feeling. He knew what it was like to be empty, empty of the things he loved. 

Food. He didn’t need it. Not as much as he needed to feel in control. He hasn’t eaten an actual meal in a long time. He didn’t want to.

_If I can’t control what’s around me, I can control my body._

He’d fill his body with water. He’d let his body hurt. He let himself starve. It felt good. He felt in control. 

_Stop that. Don’t do that._

He just wants to feel safe. He just wants a home. 

_I want my mom._

Tear drops burned his cheeks as they fell in fat streaks. He hiccuped, still trying to catch his breath. The heavy cloud had dissipated as he slowly felt his feet ground itself. Everything became blurry, light was pouring in through open windows, and the sounds of feet shuffled in the hallways. He blinked, feeling a pair of hands pull and push him, a body next to him kept him warm. He leaned into it, feeling the person beside him give out a sigh of relief. He couldn’t identify them yet, not until he reached a white room with sea-green on one side.

The light burned his eyes a bit, blinking away the tears that gathered, he heard the rush of water in front of him. A wet paper towel was being pressed against his face. 

“Are you feeling better?” 

“Sugawara-san?” Tadashi warbled. He looked at him as if Asahi sent an angel straight from the heavens above.

“You really scared Tsukishima.” Suga turned off the tap and helped wipe Tadashi’s tears with a dry paper towel.

“Where is Tsukki?” Tadashi tried to turn around but Suga’s grip kept his face in place. 

“He’s getting your stuff. He wanted to come with me but I told him to let your homeroom teacher know you were sick.”

“But I’m fine.”

“What we just witnessed, it was anything but fine.” Suga’s eyes glossed over him. “It’s okay.” He reassured him, dropping the paper towels in the sink. He peered down to Tadashi's hands, fresh blood droplets dripped down the drain. 

Tadashi widened his eyes, fear coming back. 

"I won't ask. But I do hope it's not what I think it is." Suga wrapped his hands with a fresh paper towel, drying off as much as he could. Tadashi didn't realize how much pressure he held in his fists. 

"I fell on some glass. It was an accident." _It wasn't an accident._

"I see." Suga led his hands to the running water, falling carelessly through his fingers. It felt cool, cooling down the hot stuffy feeling he held in his chest. It was refreshing. 

"You look a bit better." Suga smiled. 

"Yeah." The blood ceased and he patted his hands dry against his shirt. 

"My jacket." He exclaimed. He felt lighter, how did he not realize?

"It's right here, don't worry." Suga moved to show a black military like school jacket, hanging off the ledge of the sink next to theirs. 

He sighed a relief. This wasn't the ideal place to come back to. Nobody likes hanging out in the bathroom anyways. He turned to Suga, trying to form a sentence, but every time he tried to start, the tip of his tongue never touched the roof of his mouth. He couldn't move his tongue. It stayed flat. He stayed hidden. 

“Your hands don’t look that bad, just don’t pick at the skin or it’ll bleed again. And don’t clench them.” Suga picked up the paper towels and clumped them together, hiding the ones with blood soaked into them.

Tadashi felt his walls slightly crumble. Suga was no knight, but he sure had ways to break down doors as gently as possible. The door opened and the two of them turned around. Kei had Tadashi’s backpack in one hand, while the other held a plastic bag.

He could see bright green and a can through it.

“Tsu…” His voice trailed off into a cough. He hadn’t realized how much spit he held in, choking on it. _Stupid tongue_. 

“It’s okay. I didn’t know what to do so I got Sugawara-san to help. I hope you don’t mind.” Kei looked down, he was obviously embarrassed at himself for not being better at these kinds of things. Tadashi shook his head quickly. He felt grateful.

“Tsukishima!” Suga startled them. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, leaning into the sink behind him. “You can’t blame yourself with these kinds of things. Not everyone knows what to do the first they experience them. You can always do research or just ask what works best for Yamaguchi. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you did good. You trusted me to help you. I think that’s a good first step, don’t you?” 

Tadashi glanced over to Kei. He stepped forward and wobbled a bit, Kei and Suga were right next to him.

“I’m okay, I’m okay. My legs are just asleep.” Tadashi waved over. Kei furrowed his eyebrows and looked down again. 

“I…” He started. “I’ll do better next time.” Kei spoke slowly, almost like he was scared to admit his feelings. _Of course he is, this is all new to him, just as much as it is to me._ Tadashi put a hand to Kei’s shoulder and lightly squeezed.

“Thank you. Really.” He had a tired smile on his face, but he was super happy Kei was there with him. Kei only nodded.

“I should get to class.” Suga announced before walking off. They totally didn’t forget he was there witnessing everything. “I’ll tell Daichi you’re sick if you decide not to show up to practice.” He closed the door behind. Tadashi let out a sigh he didn’t realize he was holding, only to get it cut off by Suga yelling in the hallways.

“Get to class dimwit!”

“Oi! Don’t be mean!” It was Tanaka.

“I saw your quiz scores!”

“Ah! Don’t tell Daichi!”

“1, 2, 3…”

“Ok ok you win!”

Tadashi wasn’t the least bit shocked but also entertained by Tanaka getting scolded like a child. His hand still held onto Kei, he wanted to keep it on there longer, but he knew he should go to the nurse soon before Kei was late to class. 

“Um.” Kei let the backpack down on the ground gently. “I got you melon bread and peach tea.” He opened the plastic bag. “I also got you some fries. I may have sent Noya and Tanaka on a run to McDonald’s.”

“You made them ditch to get me fries?” Tadashi’s voice caught in his throat. He stifled himself from crying again.

“I uh, I want you to eat this before practice. If you feel better, you can join. But if you don’t, I’ll walk you home before-”

“No, I’ll be better!” Tadashi yanked his hand away and held them up in a surrender. His hands missed the feeling of him. He clasped his hands together, hoping Kei didn’t see how slightly damaged they were. The last thing he wanted was to worry him sick.

“Tadashi…” Kei’s cheeks flush a bright pink shade. He can see himself in the mirror at the corner of his eye. He’s not that blind. At least he hoped so. “I’m here.” He finally let out. He wanted to say more, but how much more can he say without making Tadashi retract to himself again?

Tadashi wanted to say something, but his throat felt hitched and sore. He took the bag and let his head press against Kei’s chest. He let his ear listen to the sweet melodic beat of his heart. Kei awkwardly placed his hands to his back, rubbing slow smooth circles. Their positioning wasn’t the greatest, it was a bit uncomfortable with Tadashi having to lean just to listen to his heart. 

Kei wondered if this was hurting his friend in any way. He stiffly pulled him into his chest. Their bodies touched another. Tadashi gasped in surprise and peeked to look up at Kei. His face was semi red, ears definitely burning and glasses fogged from the heavy air the room carried. Tadashi wrapped his arms around Kei, the bag hanging around his arm, letting out a small thump against Kei’s side. He winced from shock but let himself relax into the hold.

They never hugged before. Maybe as kids, they did it a few times for birthdays or comfort whenever Tadashi fell and scraped his knee or chin. But as they got older, the physical contact halted and ceased to exist as the years went by. Tadashi always dreamed of cuddling on his patio, watching the sun drip behind trees. He dreamed of telling him tales about constellations and myths. 

Kei mustered the little courage held by a string to cradle the other’s head with one hand, and the other on his back. He was _hugging_ Tadashi Yamaguchi. He was _fucking_ ** _hugging_** Tadashi Yamaguchi. The cogwheels in his head halted. His entire face felt hot, glasses were fogged, and his heart was pumping.

“Tsukki?” Tadashi’s tender voice was a soft blanket in his ears. He wanted to curl up against it.

“Yes?” He gulped.

“I-”

“Tsukishima!” 

Kei and Tadashi jumped back, the plastic bag smacked against Tadashi’s stomach. 

“Oof.” He wrapped his arms around him, slightly leaned leaning forward. 

Hinata bursted through the door, clutching his stomach. 

“Oh! Yamaguchi. What were you guys doing?” He stood up straight, tilting his head. He glanced left and right at their bright red faces.

“Nothing! Go away.” Kei really wanted to toss him off a cliff.

“I have to go though…” Hinata grumbled as he opened the bathroom door. He doubled over in pain. “Nope, can’t hold it in.”

Kei wrinkled his nose, disgusted as Hinata ran straight into a stall.

“Let’s get out of here.” He picked up Tadashi’s bag and waited for the boy to follow him out. 

Kei walked him to the nurse, inspecting him as they went on. He noticed Tadashi looked like he’s been through hell. His eyes were puffy, dark circles around his eyes, and pale skin. His shoulders sagged, an old habit from insecurity. He wanted to reach over and hold his hand, hug him again. He wanted the moment back. Preferably not in the restroom.

“You were saying something back there. What was it?”Kei looked forward.

“It’s nothing.” Tadashi wanted to be swallowed by the ground. _I hate this._

“Okay. Just let me know and I’ll be there. Okay?” They reached the door. Tadashi wringed his hands together, feeling the slight pain when he twisted his wrist. 

Kei noticed the strange behavior, before he could grab him, Tadashi abruptly took his backpack off and muttered a thanks. He scurried through the door, leaving Kei in shock. He wasn’t sure if he should be hurt that Tadashi just left him without another word or if he should be worried he left in a hurry.

He looked down to his hands, still in mid-air. Oh how he just wanted to wrap them around Tadashi’s waist and hold him. How he wanted to hold both his hands and kiss every freckle from his knuckles to the beautiful galaxy it created on his collarbones. He wanted to kiss his shoulders and trace words on his back.

_I’m in love with you._

His stomach did a flip. He jumped slightly at the new feeling. He was used to feeling hot whenever Tadashi was around, sometimes his heart hammered in his chest. But he never got nervous around his best friend. They’ve been friends for years. How could he be nervous? What for? 

He continued to ask himself the same question, he didn’t even realize class went by. He sat in his seat, watching through the window. His hand holding up his head, letting it rest on his cheek.

The view wasn’t anything good. He didn’t care about the people passing or the trees waving its branches. He liked the wind. He liked the way it felt against his hair, the way it touched and moved Tadashi’s hair. He liked the way it made inanimate objects say hello to him. He liked the way Tadashi would wave back at them, giggling as Kei caught him. He misses Tadashi smiling without a reason. He misses Tadashi a lot.

“Tsukishima Kei. I do hope whatever is out there is more interesting than what’s on the board.” Kei could feel his soul extract from his spine.

“No ma’am.” He looked forward, folding his hands together on top of the desk. A few of the students snickered. It wasn’t like him to get called out. 

To be frank, he didn’t appreciate the callout. It ruined his daydreams. 

* * *

Tadashi didn’t know the ceiling was also tiled. The cracks were full of dirt. He doesn’t understand how they got there.

“So what happened to you?” The nurse was a middle aged woman. She smelled like lavender and cinnamon. It was a strange combination, but he found it comforting.

“I’m not really sure. I just felt everything spin and it was hard to breathe.” The pillow wasn’t soft as he thought he was. It felt kind of hard, was there a rock underneath?

“You had a panic attack?” Tadashi stopped his hands from picking the lint off the sheets underneath him.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“Was it an anxiety attack?” He looked over. 

“Is there a difference?” 

“Yes. Was your ‘attack’ triggered by anything?” She wrote things on a clipboard. It looked like scribbles to him.

“Yeah.” She nodded and took out a pamphlet:

**Generalized Anxiety Disorder**.

“What’s that?” He sat up quickly. He didn’t like what he saw.

“A pamphlet.” She didn’t look very happy.

“No, I know. But why are you giving it to me?” He leaned back as she pushed the pamphlet into his lap.

“I’ll make an appointment with your counselor.” She sat up and took out a lollipop from her white coat. “Are you in any sports?”

He nodded, taking the stem of the candy and twirling between his thumb and index finger.

“If you feel better, you can go. If you think you might have another attack, I suggest you wait.” He shook his head. He wasn’t going to wait for anyone. It was just him. He’s alone.

She left without another word.

_Just like everyone else._

He shuddered. The room felt a bit colder than usual. 

_Bzzt._

**tsukki: hey**

The hug. 

**yams: hi**

**tsukki: you feeling better?**

**yams: yeah.**

**tsukki: what’s the verdict?**

**yams: she gave me some papers.**

**tsukki: ?**

**yams: dw about it. i’ll be there soon.**

**tsukki: ok :)**

Did he just use a smiley face? Did Tsukishima Kei fucking use a smiley face? Tadashi’s fingers stopped typing when the face popped before him. He couldn’t help the giddy feeling he had, the overly excited feeling like getting a new game you’ve been waiting for weeks. He didn’t know what to say. He could send a kaomoji. He liked those, sometimes Kei would complain but there were instances where he quite enjoyed getting a reaction from him. Tadashi clutched the phone to his chest and let it stay there. 

_Holy crap, I’m falling hard._

He looked back up to the ceiling, there was a crack on the light above him. He didn’t notice it earlier. It was like a claw reaching towards the bulb, ready to snatch it away. He wished he didn’t imagine it that way. 

He could have sworn he saw the hand move.

He could have sworn the crack grew right in front of his eyes.

* * *

“Tsukishima!” Kei groaned as a yell interrupted their ‘moment’. Tadashi couldn’t stop himself from giggling a little bit. He enjoyed a little suffering on Kei’s end. Kei let his head fall to the table before them, hoping to hit it hard enough to knock him out for the rest of his life.

Tadashi slid his hand onto the table, letting his head fall onto it softly. Well, somewhat soft.

“Oi! Tsukishima!” Hinata bursted into the room, looking rather energetic after doing hellish practice.

“Please end my misery.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Tsukki. I told you we were helping them study today.”

“Yeah, but Yachi is here.”

“And?”

“She’s smart enough to do it.”

“Yachi is also a manager busy with a fundraiser for our next trip.”

“Fair.” Kei turned his head to lay his cheek on Tadashi’s hands. They were cold, practically freezing. 

“Uh. Are you okay?” Hinata scratched the back of his ear.

“No you monkey, I’m stuck with you.” Hinata scowled.

“You don’t have to be so rude!” He sat down with a failed quiz in hand. “I’ll wait for Yachi. She’s nice at least.”

Tadashi’s hand was falling asleep but he really liked the feeling of Kei on top. He likes the warmth. 

“I brought some tea!” Yachi came into the room with cans of ice cold green tea.

“Our savior!”

“A goddess!” 

“Shut up!” Kei snapped, still keeping his head on Tadashi’s hand. Tadashi giggled and lifted his head for him. Kei grumbled once Kageyama finally joined them.

“Why are you late?” Hinata took his can and snapped it open. The cold drink satisfied his dehydrated throat.

“I had something to do.” Kageyama settled down, taking a can for himself. He scowled looking inside of it. “Why tea?”

“I’m sorry, King. Is it not enough to suit your luxurious taste?” Kei retorted.

“Shut up.” Kageyama wasn’t in the mood to argue back. Hinata tilted his head in confusion. 

“Okay, so why don’t we start with math for Hinata, and English for Kageyama.” Tadashi took out a notebook and started making a calendar. For not using any rulers, it looked really nice. For someone as nervous as him, he sure had steady hands when he needed them.

“Kageyama, you need help memorizing animals right?” He looked up to see Kageyama a bit more relaxed. He nodded towards him.

“And Hinata, you need help solving for variables.” He stated as he slid the notebook over to Yachi.

“Yachi, since you’re good at English, you can help Kageyama. Tsukki will help Hinata-”

“What?” Hinata slammed his fists down.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Kei groaned and laid his head on his arms. He looked like a child refusing to hang out with anyone. _Well, it’s not far from the truth to be honest._

“Tsukki, I know it’s hard for you but we really need them to do well for the next test. Otherwise they won’t be able to play.” Tadashi put a hand, massaging Kei’s upper arm. Kei didn’t show his blushing face. He took a few breaths before putting his head up.

“Fine.” He muttered. Tadashi still heard it even if Hinata didn’t.

“What about you, Yamaguchi?” Hinata shifted his gaze over to him. He looked interested in what he had to say.

“I’ll be here as extra help. I don’t excel in English but I’ll try.” He shrugged. _You don’t excel in anything._ His head started to fog up. Pins and needles around his body. Was he rolling down a hill of sharp knives? Why is he hurting so much? 

The worry filled his head, leaving dark thoughts seeping through the cracks of his mind. He shook his head and stood up, stumbling as he headed to the door.

“Yamaguchi?”

“Are you okay?”

“Tadashi!”

His knees crumbled to the ground, hitting hard. _That’ll bruise._ He wanted to laugh at himself. How fucking stupid is he thinking he was completely fine? How stupid is he to think he can take care of anyone? 

_You’re in high school, stop acting like a child._

_I AM a child!_

_You’re not a fucking kid anymore!_

It was pretty outside. The dusk settled in before them, they were on the second floor where all other club rooms were. He loved seeing the orange tip of the flame be engulfed by dark blues. He loved the stars coming into sight, overcoming their shyness and shining brightly as everything around them was swallowed by complete darkness. He wanted to be a star. He wanted to be _his_ star.

“Tadashi, breathe.” The words hit him. Hard. He finally gasped out, gulping in air. He felt his lungs expand so much it hurt. 

He was back.

“K-kei.” His voice was raspy and dry.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” He sat by him the entire time, waiting for him to come back. “Can I touch you?”

Tadashi would have blushed if he wasn’t in such a vulnerable state. But right now, he just needs something to hold. And he’s sure as hell wasn’t going to ask his parents. He nodded.

Kei got his permission, moving to wrap an arm around Tadashi’s shoulder, pulling him in until Tadashi was on his lap. He liked this too. He liked feeling Kei move as he breathed.

He let his hand roam the floor. Cement. 

It felt cool. Nice. Rough. He breathed in and out, trying to keep a steady pace. He didn’t care if he was blocking the door, he wanted to stay like this.

“Are you feeling better?” Kei ran his hands through Tadashi’s hair, relishing how silky it felt, even though they were covered in sweat.

“Yeah.” Tadashi finally found himself again. He sighed, taking out a crumpled pamphlet from his pocket. He forgot he shoved it into his gym clothes. He wanted to show Kei. He just wasn’t sure when.

“The nurse gave me this.” He unfolded the paper, big bold letters staring back at him. It was almost taunting him in a way. _No. Don’t think of this as a bad thing._

Kei used his free hand to take the paper. The words echoed off into his head.

_Anxiety._

_Fucking Anxiety._

Kei took note of it. 

“Is that-”

“I don’t know.” Tadashi blurted out. “I have an appointment with a counselor.” He moved to sit up but was pushed down by Kei.

“You want me to come with you?”

“I don’t know if you can.”

“I’ll wait for you.”

“You’ll skip class for me?”

“Of course.” Kei smiled to no one. He ran his hands through Tadashi’s hair, letting it drift to the nape of his neck. He rubbed small circles onto it. 

“I-”

“Oh, you’re still here!” Yachi squeaked in surprise. “We’re just about to leave.” She scratched her cheek, nervous and definitely unsure what to do. 

“Oh, sorry.” Tadashi sat up, allowing Kei to pull him to his feet. Kei gave back the paper behind their backs, he knew Tadashi didn’t want the attention if anyone else found out.

“Yamaguchi, are you okay?” Hinata worried. Tadashi sneakily stuffed the paper back into his pocket and nodded.

“Yeah, I’m just tired and stressed. I’m better now.” He reassured him, it felt more for them than himself. Kageyama walked past them.

“Goodnight, King!” Kei taunted behind his back.

Kageyama whipped to face them. “Goodnight.” And walked off.

Weird. 

Hinata shrugged, still unsure why Kageyama was in a bad mood, but he felt more confident now that he understood how to solve for variables. For now.

Yachi muttered a small apology and pulled Hinata away, leaving the two alone in front of the club room door.

“What were you saying?” Kei waited till they were out of his vision.

“It’s nothing.” Tadashi walked back into the room.

“Ta-Yamaguchi?” He cleared his throat before continuing. “Do you want to hang out this weekend?” He was feeling nervous, heart beating rapidly, almost as fast as his breath was taken away by his best friend’s response.

“Like a hang out or a date?” Tadashi teased. He knew Kei would never feel the same way, why would he? He’s beautiful, handsome, and absolutely drop dead gorgeous. 

“A date.” Kei blurted out.

Wait is he serious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: i made a few errors. hopefully didn't cause too much of a confusion. apologies.


	3. do it for her, do it for him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You do it for him  
> And you would do it again  
> You do it for her, that is to say  
> You'll do it for him

Kei didn’t mind silence. He favored it over rambunctious kids fawning over girls and sports. He enjoyed the amity of silence and lazy afternoons. He especially enjoyed empty ramune bottles littering the patio, stinky fingers from melted ice cream, and sweaty backs on cold floors. One of his favorite childhood memories.

He measures the distance between them. He was close enough to see the freckles, the pale face bringing color to the other’s face. The realization settles in, a sweet blush of red dusting on Tadashi’s cheeks. Kei decided he would have loved the view if they weren’t in a sweaty gross club room. 

_Real smooth, Kei._

Tadashi’s face painted a pale red.

Kei wanted to punch himself.

“Huh?” 

“What?” 

“What?” 

“No!” 

“No?” 

“Ugh!”

“What?”

“Shut up!” Kei exclaimed as he buried his head into his hands, they were sweaty and warm and gross. He took a deep breath before showing his face. 

“You. Me. Date.” He said it like he was demanding it.

“Oh.” Tadashi’s face far surpassed looking like a ripe strawberry.

“So is that no?” Kei was ready to start digging his grave as soon as he got home. Maybe he’ll bury himself under the flowers his mom just planted. 

“No. I mean yes!” Kei’s face fell for a split second.

“So it’s a yes?” He still wanted to make sure.

Tadashi’s freckles stood out against his fully red face. 

“Yeah.” 

“It’s a date then.” Kei couldn’t help to smile a little, he had to constrain himself from smiling widely.

“Okay!”

“Okay.”

They stood in the club room, bags on the floor, and a table was flipped over. Don’t ask questions. Tadashi’s face was burning and he felt his pulse twitch against his neck. He wanted to run out and scream. 

Kei finally mustered the courage and grabbed the bags, his movements were stiff.

“Oh sorry.” Tadashi finally took a few steps to get his bag but Kei held onto it tightly.

“I’ll carry it for you.” He said as he blushed a bit.

“You don’t have to.” Tadashi felt a bit embarrassed.

“I want to.” Kei shrugged and started walking out the door. “You coming? Or do I need to carry you too?” He smirked.

“Ah, coming!” Tadashi’s legs felt wobbly. It wasn’t the same feeling like he was walking on snakes, it felt like he was walking on a new path with roses and pretty sunsets. _How cheesy and romantic._ He giggled to himself, walking next to Kei, shoulders touching.

Kei was smiling, it was a new type of warmth. It didn’t compare to cold nights, buried under thick layers of blankets. It was nothing like sitting directly in front of his grandparents’ fireplace, warming his palms, traveling to his toes. It was sweeter than hot chocolate, but not as hot as burning the back of your throat. 

It was a gentle warmth, the kind he wanted to trap in between his hands and hold it close, letting it seep into his heart, until his entire body was engulfed in comfort.

The night was settling in, they didn’t realize how long they were taking. The walks home weren’t long, but they walked at a slower pace, cherishing every step they took together. For once, Tadashi didn’t mind. He had a clear mind. He didn’t think about his mom coming home with a drink in hand, stumbling into the walls. She would drop the glass cups and walk all over the broken pieces. 

He hates the sound of glass breaking. It made his heart jump with every crunch. His heart would leap out against his chest whenever Shimada would break a light bulb that no longer worked. Or whenever someone’s phone would crack. He would forever memorize the sound of the crack, the split reverberating against his spine. 

He hated it.

He stopped walking as they were approaching the Tsukishima household. He forgot one thing, Kei has never seen his home. He hoped he could just drop the blonde off and book it.

"Yamaguchi?" 

"Uh. Sorry. You can give me my backpack now." He opened his palm, hoping Kei wouldn’t question him.

“I was kind of hoping I can walk you home.” Kei hesitated, tightening his hold against the bag’s strap.

“Oh.” Tadashi felt like an asshole.

“If you’re uncomfortable I can walk you to the corner.” Kei really didn’t want him to walk alone.

“Yeah that’s fine.” Tadashi brought his hand back down. He shoved it into his jacket. walking at a distance.

“So, you uh, excited for this weekend?” Kei felt colder. He wanted to step closer to him, but also not wanting to make him retract anymore. 

“What exactly are we doing?” Tadashi has never been on a date. A playdate when he was smaller, but now he’s an angsty teen, how does that work?

“I was thinking we could hang around at a department store and maybe catch a movie?” Kei made a small step next to him.

“Dinner?” Tadashi took the next.

“And dinner.” Kei smiled. Tadashi walked a bit closer, shoulders and arms almost touching. Kei felt like he was walking in a tunnel blind. He didn’t know where it was leading, but he didn’t care. He had the only thing he needed to keep going. He wasn’t sure where the light was or if there was any.

_Tadashi is my life._

Life? He was talking about a light. What the fuck? 

His head spun as his feelings jumbled in his mind. He was losing sight of any direction. He was falling head first.

“Tsukki?” Kei was looking down on the ground. There was a pair of white sports sneakers and black loafers, slightly reflecting the light from the large lamp post above them. His gaze ran up Tadashi’s body, adoring every inch of him. Tadashi’s eyes were full of concern and curiosity. 

“What’d you say?” 

“I said this is where I have to go.” Tadashi opened his palm up again. Kei looked down. He wasn’t sure if the lighting was creating some optical illusion, but he was positive, the skin on there wasn’t smooth or calloused. Something definitely wasn’t right.

“What happened?” His eyes widened.

Tadashi looked down and quickly closed his hand into a fist.

“Nothing!” He said too quickly.

“No, that’s something.” Kei wrapped both hands around Tadashi’s fist, prying softly.

“I’m fine, Tsukki.” 

“Don’t hide from me.” He stuck a pinky inside the clenched fist, feeling Tadashi struggle to keep it closed.

“I’m not.” He didn’t know who he was trying to convince.

“Tadashi.” Kei said sternly. “Please.” He’d beg on his knees if he had to.

“I-”

_Why do you smoke dad?_

_Because it gives me a sense of control._

_But it kills you._

_Good._

Tadashi’s tensed fist was losing its strength.

_Control._

Shimada taught him during practice. He learned to reset his emotions when the time came. He learned to have a focus point, a place to help him ease his anxiety. It was easy. In games, tests, presentations. He had it all under _control_. 

He didn’t have _this_ under control. He didn't have his life in control. He had nothing that he needed in control. 

Kei hooked a pinky under Tadashi’s index finger, slowly prying open each one. 

_Control._

Why was it so hard to just have something he needs to be on his side for once?

_Mom, please stop._

_You’re hurting yourself._

_Mom._

_Mom, please._

‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ showed good manners. ‘Fuck you’ and ‘I hate you’ showed bad manners. That’s what he learned from his parents. He wasn’t taught to respect anyone. He wasn’t taught to respect himself. 

“Tadashi.” Kei pressed his fingers, feeling Tadashi’s clammy hand. His palm was rough, torn, hurting. His breath stuttered as both of his hands, his fingers caressing them, sensing every rough patch. 

“Please.” Kei whispered, bringing his head closer. He could see the water build on Tadashi’s eyes, eyelash catching every small drop. Tadashi angrily blinked them away, his hand quaking in Kei’s grasp. 

“I’m so-”

“Don’t you dare apologize, Yamaguchi Tadashi.” Kei always had a stoic expressionless face to others. Tadashi knows that wasn't true. Kei has all sorts of feelings he wears on his sleeves, it's just harder to decipher. But up close, he didn't have to bother deciphering shit. 

Tadashi's eyes were stinging. He was in pain. Everywhere. It hurt. It hurts everywhere. 

"It hurts." He mumbled. 

"What does?" Kei can see clearly from the yellow lights above, he feels his thumbs around every ridge and bump Tadashi's hands held. 

"Everything." Tadashi was ready to jump off a cliff. 

"I'm sorry." Kei pulled up Tadashi's sleeve.

_He has freckles everywhere._

He brought his lips to it, kissing the inside of his wrist. Tadashi felt his breath get caught in his throat. The feeling of semi-dry warm lips against his cold wrist filled his mind. Heart was beating so loud, he thought Kei might be able to hear it.

"I won't pressure you to tell me everything. But I want you to know, you don't have to hide." Kei muttered as he pulled his lips away. Already missing the feeling, he wanted to dive back in. 

_Not yet._

Tadashi looked into his eyes. 

"Baby steps." He smiled. 

_He has the cutest smile._

Kei knew what heaven would be like if he believed in it. 

It would be full of Tadashi. 

_A real smile._

_I can die happy now._

* * *

Tadashi wanted to throw himself into a fountain of lava. 

He hates the cold. 

He shoved his homework away, letting the pencil roll away across the room. 

_Dad isn't home again._

He should know this by now. He should've realized it sooner. 

_He's never around to begin with._

But his dad was the least of his worries. 

_Where is she?_

He could have sworn she was home in the morning. He replayed the morning, there were no hints she had any intention of leaving. So why is she gone?

_Bzzt._

He was a bit shocked seeing the name pop up. Even more shocked that he came to _him._

**kageyama: hey can i ask you something**

**yamaguchi: sure. what's up?**

**kageyama: how do you know you like someone?**

**yamaguchi: why are you asking me?**

**kageyama: cause i see you pining over there with a salty ass bean pole**

**yamaguchi: okay. one, fuck you. and two, fuck you.**

**kageyama: that's real creative**

**yamaguchi: i can be worse but im too tired rn**

**kageyama: understandable.**

**kageyama: so?**

**yamaguchi: ugh, it's like that stupid question we had for lit.**

**yamaguchi: "what is love?"**

**kageyama: baby don't hurt me**

**yamaguchi: don't hurt me. no more**

**yamaguchi: OHSLSKKA fuck off LOL**

**kageyama: lol**

**yamaguchi: ok ok. I'll try to be serious.**

**yamaguchi: it's kind of like you can't live without said person but also will jump over the moon for them.**

**kageyama: that's a bit extreme…**

**yamaguchi: it's called infatuation bitch get with the times**

**kageyama: ok but what about a crush?**

**yamaguchi: oh….**

**kageyama: oh?**

**yamaguchi: hmm. it's more or less wanting to be with them and making them smile. you want to hold them but also make them happy. even if you're not in the picture, you still want what's best for them. you think about them in the back of your mind no matter how many times you try to push it away. and every little thing they do, like small habits, you notice them.**

**kageyama: wow**

**yamaguchi: sorry too much?**

**kageyama: no it's fine. i get it.**

**yamaguchi: also tsukki is not a salty ass bean pole >:(**

**kageyama: ok fine an extra crispy salty mcfrench fry**

**yamaguchi: YOU ASS!!!**

**kageyama: lol**

**kageyama: thank you though. i just needed some clarity**

**yamaguchi: is that why you were all grumpy earlier?**

**kageyama: something like that. i need to sleep. you should too.**

**yamaguchi: okay. im here if you need anything**

**kageyama: same to you. good night.**

**yamaguchi: good night!**

Tadashi set his phone down on the floor. He looked onto the ceiling, becoming interested in the stains that's been there since he was 7.

_same to you._

Wait, did Kageyama just say that? Did he agree to being there for him? Tadashi scrambled to grab his phone, accidentally pushing it farther away. He groaned as the phone slid against the hard surface. His back already hurt from practice, he was going to lay down in an old futon that’s no longer the soft cushion it used to be. He stretched his arm as far as possible to pull it close to him, his fingertips barely reaching it. 

He pulled in his fingers, trying to grasp and pull it closer to him, instead it slid farther away.

He thumped his head onto the floor, already at an awkward position, his torso already touched the floor. He should have just gotten up instead. He uncovered himself before pulling to his feet, the floor creaking was the loudest sound in the house by far. That is until he heard the front door slam against the wall. He stopped mid air, too frigid to move. It was supposed to be warm tonight, so why did he feel so cold?

Heavy unsteady footsteps plopped around the house, searching for something. Tadashi let out air he didn’t know he was holding in. He tip-toed to the door and pressed an ear to it.

“For fuckssake.” His mother slurred, more bangs and knocks later, he heard the broken spring from the couch with a high pitch squeak. He would get his phone later, right now, his thoughts flurried with worry. He opened the door as quietly as possible, it still made the loud eerie screech it made. It had to be oiled, according to his father. Something no one bothered to do.

He felt around the walls, trying to keep himself upright. It wasn’t the first time she came home drunk. But it wasn’t often she came home earlier than usual. It was only 10:34 pm. She usually got home around 12 or 1. 

He saw a dark clumped up figure on the couch, laying still. The light from the kitchen gave off some clarity to the scene of the living room. It was his mom, on her side with a beer bottle in hand touching the ground, as her other hand held the side of her head. She didn’t look sick or trashed, but she still looked like shit. Probably not the way to talk about your mother, but it was all he saw after seeing her like this for the umpteenth time. He walked a bit faster, hoping she was still breathing. 

She was, very lightly. He breathed out a sigh of relief before doing his normal routine. He grabbed the trash can, stepping around the glass pool from earlier. He got a towel and tried to sink for some water, luck was on his side tonight. He was able to fill half of a cup before proceeding in taking care of her.

He pulled her hair back in a ponytail with a hairband he kept in his pajama pocket. Something he learned to have around home. He put the trash can next to her, reaching to gently pull away the beer bottle, she moaned a bit but didn’t put up a fight. He was grateful. He discarded the bottle in the recycle bin on the side of the complex, wincing as the bottle hit the others at the bottom of the bin. He peered down, shuddering at the thousands of broken pieces of brown tinted glass. He shut the bin quickly before trailing back to his home.

He hated the sight of beer. He hated everything about it.

He walked in on his mom, head already in the can, reeling out what she drank earlier in the day. 

The fridge wasn’t great, it kept food somewhat cool. It belonged to his grandparents when they passed away, he didn’t want it since it was already falling apart, his dad didn’t care. He never did. He couldn’t find anything besides some old eggs, probably expired. He closed the fridge door softly, not wanting to cause any disruption for his mother. 

Opening the cabinets, he sent a quick prayer as he found a can of soup. Not expired. Even better. He managed to pry it open with dull can opener blades and heated it up. His mother walked into the bathroom, she might have been used to her son babying her after she got like this. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t mind, he just didn’t like it.

Who would?

As he stirred the soup around, watching the broth swirl around, he saw his reflection. Although lighting wasn’t the best, he could still see bits of himself he didn’t like. His huge eyebags and dirt speckling freckles. 

“Taaadassshhi.” His mother clung to the doorway like it was her lifeline. He turned around and grabbed a bowl for her.

“Sit down.” He shut the stove off before serving the soup.

“Mmm. S’good.” Her words were a bit clearer, but still not any better than before. She looked down, eyeing the masterpiece. “Who deed that?” 

Tadashi set the bowl in front of her. “Don’t worry. I’ll clean it up right now.” 

His mother hummed as she brought the soup to her lips.

“Ah! Careful! It’s hot.” She burned her lip regardless. She stifled a giggle before blowing onto the spoon. 

“Mmm.” She moaned as her lips enclosed around it. She nodded in satisfaction and continued eating. 

Tadashi looked for a broom, but previous nights explained to him it was broken. Dustpan edges crumbled away. He took the bottom portion of the broom, feeling the soft bristles. It was weirdly soothing. It’d do for now. He’d throw out the wooden stick later, he’s too tired to deal with anymore broken shit.

Hearing the glass scrape against the tiles made him want to grate his nails across his arms. He knew he wanted something to fill in the saturninity the house was always filled with. 

It was like someone died in the house.

_It might as well be me._

He clamped his fist around the dustpan’s handle. 

_Don’t think like that._

“Taaadaaa.” His mother clanked the spoon into the bowl. “M’done!” She was so happy. 

“Okay. Leave it there.” He scooped the rest of the glass, the stickiness still on the floor. He can clean it later. Right now, he wanted his mother in bed.

“Tired.” She pushed the bowl to the middle of the table and laid her head to rest on her arms.

“Nuh uh, you need to take a bath.” He let the glass pieces fall to the bottom of the trash can. “Then you can go to sleep.” 

“Okayyy.” She stood up too fast, almost stumbling back into the chair. He dropped everything before speeding his way to her, grabbing onto her arms. He’s lucky he was taller than her. It worried him how light she was. So light.

“Hold onto me.” He did his best to sound like a parent would whenever their child got sick. Except he didn’t know what that was like.

Whenever he got sick, his parents did nothing. No matter what condition he was in, they acted and treated him the same. As if he wasn’t there. He tried not to be bitter about it, but when you’re 7 with the flu, you really feel like no one gives a shit about you. He had to go to the library, sweating and exhausted, just to use the internet on home remedies. He had to lie to his teacher that he was just tired and had allergies. 

He had to _lie._ About everything, his parents, himself, his home.

He was tired of it all.

The bathroom wasn’t the cleanest, it still had a bit of dirt along the walls, he tried to clean it off one day. It didn’t work. The mirror above the sink was cracked, and a jagged piece was missing from a corner. It wasn’t clear. It was rather blurry. He tried to wipe off the smudges, but not having any cleaning supplies, you just learn to live with it.

He turned the knobs around, somewhere inside he had hoped the water was back. 

_Pshhhhhh._

The mellifluous rush of water poured into his ears. 

_Thump._

His mother was already taking off her clothes. He wasn’t embarrassed at seeing her naked. He’s seen her in all sorts of settings. Having a drunk mom coming home either half naked or clothes completely scruffed around as if she was in a fight, he’s used to it all. He helps her step into the tub, catching her whenever she slipped. Once she was fully seated, he grabbed the soap and left it by her.

“Make sure you wash your hair before you get out, okay?” She nodded, closing her eyes, fully relaxing.

“I’ll find your pjs so you can put them on.” He left without hearing any confirmation. 

Tadashi’s memories consisted of the same shit. He was 6 when his mom stopped bothering taking care of herself. He was terrified, seeing his mother in a wasted state. His first idea was to call the police. That wasn’t until he saw his father crying with a cigarette between his teeth. He asked what was wrong. He hasn’t forgotten those words.

_You aren’t supposed to be here._

He searched and searched through piles of clothes left on his mother’s bed. There was a mixture of business clothes and skimpy outfits she sometimes wore out during weekends. He finally found a clean t-shirt and shorts for her. He walked back to the bathroom, counting down the seconds. Counting down the years he missed out on.

_They’ll take you away if you call the police on us._

His fingers tapped against the wall. He counted down the breaths he took.

_You’ll never see me again._

He wishes he never did see him again. 

_You’ll never see her again._

He needed her just as much as she needed him. He left the clothes on the toilet cover. 

“You okay?” He asked through the small crack. He didn’t open the door fully, still wanting to give her some privacy. She only hummed a response. He closed the door a little too rough.

_I’ll leave you again._

He’s not an idiot. He knows what manipulation is like. He knows what his father was doing to them. He knows. He’s not an idiot.

Anger coursed through his fist, craving to smash against something. Craving the anger. Craving.

_Control._

He hates it. He hates everything.

_Anger._

He’s so fucking angry. He wants to scream. He wants to punch. He wants to fuck shit up.

_Breathe._

He unclenched his fist, forcing his lungs to take a deep breath. The hair on his neck stands as a shiver runs through his spine. 

The voice resembled Suga. He cursed before running to his room. The mess can wait.

**yamaguchi: can we talk?**

**sugawara: sure. what’s up?**

**yamaguchi: not here. tmr at school.**

**sugawara: is everything okay?**

**yamaguchi: no**

**sugawara: wanna talk after practice? or before?**

**yamaguchi: before.**

Tears seared down his face, meeting each other to the bottom of his chin before dropping to the screen. The only light the room had. 

And it wasn’t even him.

* * *

Kei twirled his pencil. Irritated. He wanted to walk Tadashi home, but after Tadashi trembling, terrified of something, he decided to just watch him disappear into the night.

 _You're some Romeo_ _alright._

_Bzzt._

His thoughts were interrupted, and irritation settled back in as he saw the name on the screen.

**hinata: is yamaguchi ok?**

He scoffed.

**tsukishima: why?**

**hinata: i was just asking. >:( im worried!!**

**tsukishima: mind your own business twerp.**

**hinata: so rude! stingyshima!**

He huffed, scrolling down the messages. His left leg shook as he read through the previous messages he had with Suga. It makes sense.

Suga was worried. Tadashi wanted to talk to him.

_Why can’t he come to me?_

Kei sagged his shoulders in defeat. He wasn’t going to let this bother him. Tadashi said baby steps. Maybe it’s something he was too embarrassed to ask or maybe Kei was just unemotionally unavailable all the damn time.

_Not true._

He remembered Tadashi admitting sometimes it was difficult to decipher him, but he knew exactly what Kei meant. Tadashi knew what emotion he was expressing when he tsked at someone. It’s impressive really. 

Kei turned back to his laptop, papers scattered the desk. 

**Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)**

The bold letters of the article were intimidating, he won’t lie. He took in all the information as much as he could. He reread the symptoms, how to cope with it, how to help someone through anxiety attacks. It wasn’t until he stumbled upon the word that made him remember the scene he saw before him.

**Panic Disorder**

It popped up on a different site. It was an ad, but it still made him look up the word.

_“Panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It causes panic attacks, which are sudden feelings of terror when there is no real danger.”_

Kei wasn’t dumb, he knew what he saw earlier was something around these lines. He panicked when he ran to Suga, nearly in tears. His cheeks stung. He felt like someone slapped him. 

_Tadashi, something is wrong. He won’t respond._

They got scolded for running through the halls. Suga didn’t care either. 

_Yamaguchi, can I touch you?_

He asked permission. Kei took notes. He wrote down in a miniature notebook. He knew as he read the first step, he fucked up.

  1. _Stay with the person and keep calm._



He angrily stabbed at the paper, breaking the lead. He couldn’t do the first fucking step. He didn’t know how to comfort anyone, he only knew one thing. Run away. That’s all he had to do to avoid any unwanted feelings. But he couldn’t do that now.

_Tadashi needs a better friend._

He hesitated, he had wanted to run away, but something inside him hauled his ass back to his best friend’s side. He wanted to stay. He really did.

_“You can’t blame yourself with these kinds of things. Not everyone knows what to do the first they experience them.”_

That’s right. Suga was right. He closed his eyes, retracing the steps, memorizing the event.

_“You can always do research or just ask what works best for Yamaguchi.”_

Right! He can do this. He can really do this. 

_For Tadashi._

He shook his head and dropped the pencil. He was gripping it too tightly. He flexed his fingers, releasing the tension in between them.

“You okay?” He jumped.

“Akiteru!” 

“You look like you were in deep thought.” Akiteru opened the door wider, letting himself in. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“That doesn’t look like nothing.” Akiteru sat down on the edge of the bed. He eyed the screen. “Do you need someone to talk to?” 

“It’s not for me.” Kei swiveled in his chair, crossing his arms.

“Tadashi?”

He froze. His heart jumped at the name.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Akiteru leaned back, letting his head fall ungracefully onto a dinosaur plush. It was inaccurate and a disgrace, but Kei still kept it. “What happened?”

“He had some type of attack.” Kei’s back was beginning to hurt. The stress he built physically hurt.

“And you want to help.” It wasn’t a question. 

“I didn’t know what to do.”

“So you ran.” Akiteru said disappointedly.

“I went to get a third year who knew what to do.” Kei felt a bit offended that his brother knew him that well.

“Ah, so you ran to get help and now you feel guilty about it.”

“...” Kei didn’t say anything. He knew he was at fault. 

“It’s not your fault.” Akiteru used to get on his nerves. Yet for some reason, he was eagerly listening to him.

“How so?” Kei was ready to snap in half with how much tension his back was feeling.

“You’re blaming yourself for something that’s out of your control.” Akiteru sat back up, tilting his head. “You care about him to do research, Kei. Doesn’t that mean you want to improve and help the person you love?”

“Lo-”

“Don’t bother hiding it. I’ve seen the way you look at him.” Akiteru raised a hand to stop him. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Not everyone knows what to do when it first happens, but you’re here now. You want to be better. So be better. For the both of you.” He let his hand fall onto his lap. He looked at Kei with reassuring eyes, a glint or shimmer lit in his eyes.

Kei nodded. 

“Relax bro, you’re doing good.” Akiteru stood up to ruffle through Kei’s hair. "You're improving yourself everyday. So give yourself a pat in the back once in awhile, ok?"

Kei groaned. 

“See you.” Akiteru left, shutting the door behind him.

“See you.” Kei muttered under his breath, shutting off the laptop. He peered down his notes. 

_Do it for Tadashi._

He reminded himself every time he got angry for not helping enough. He got angry for being enough. But he remembers Tadashi’s terrified face, tears streaming down to his chin. He remembers the pain Tadashi was in. 

_Do it for you._

He knew what he wanted, so he can’t give up now.

All Kei wanted to do was be there.

All Tadashi wanted to do was stop breathing.

Kei laid on the bed, ready for bed, finally sleep. His eyes opened wide and he scrambled to open the door, yelling down the hall.

“Akiteru!”

“What?”

“What do I do on a date?”

“A WHAT?”

“BOTH OF YOU SHUT IT!” 

Ahh, mom was still home. Whoops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suga is amazing. we all need a suga in our lives.


	4. into the unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where are you going?   
> Don't leave me alone  
> How do I follow you  
> Into the unknown?

Tadashi’s mouth was full of crunchy peanut butter and sweet strawberry jam. Clumps of real strawberry bursted into juicy goodness as he chewed. Peanut butter stuck to his gums. He chewed off another piece, letting the soft bread melt onto his tongue.

“You enjoying that?” Suga joined him, sitting on the steps. Dried gum was stuck to the cement. The school staff gave up trying to scrape it, there were too many on the floors. 

The whole day was a blur to Tadashi. Voices zoomed past his ears, hunger trekked against the lines of his stomach. He was starving. He hadn’t had much to eat the past week, his last somewhat actual meal was the melon bread and tea Kei brought him after his episode the other day. Sometimes he’d steal an apple from Kei’s neighbor, Kei would help him sometimes since he can reach higher branches.

“Mhmm.” He bit off another piece of the sandwich. He doesn’t remember pb & j sandwiches tasting this good. It was better than heaven, it was a Promised Land. It was the garden of Eve the teacher was talking about. He didn’t care about the bible, the only bible he knew was this sandwich.

“Slow down.” Suga warned him as Tadashi choked on a bite. He reached behind to grab a can. 

“Showwy.” Tadashi accepted the tea. Crisp green tea flooded through him, the condensation running down his knuckles. It mixed with the sticky jam on his palms. 

_ How did that get there? I swear I was being clean. _

It was a nice day outside, the weather was just right to ruin it. Tadashi made sure he’d make it a terrible one if no one else did it to him first. Knowing that he’d have to go home to the same situation every night his parents put him in, he knew nothing during the day would matter. In the end, he still had to take care of his mother, drunk off her ass.

“You feeling better now?” Suga sat up, holding up his head with both of his hands. He’s been patient to him. He’s a godsend. Tadashi was lost in thought, emotions flurried from hunger to anger in the span of 30 seconds.

“Yeah. Sorry, I got carried away.” Tadashi awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. He felt a tad bit embarrassed for losing himself to a freaking sandwich. You can’t blame him, he misses having lunch for once. The last time he had an actual bento with him was years ago when his grandma was alive. 

_ I miss her. _

“You haven’t been eating well?” Suga reached over to the bag behind Tadashi, taking out a juice box for himself. He inspected the red box with a cartoon character of a strawberry. He stabbed into the covered hole. It was scarily pleasing to him.

“No. My uh, mom, forgets to buy groceries.” Tadashi couldn’t figure out the words he wanted to say. There were so many things, yet so little words to put together. That’s a lie, he knows it, there are lots of words to express what he feels. He just doesn’t want to bother with it. He denies everything that’s wrong.

They were sitting on the steps just outside the club room. Tadashi didn’t want to make a mess inside, he’s known to be somewhat of a messy eater, according to Kei. He was right, he has sticky hands to prove it. It was warm outside so no one really complained, the wind would pick up and send chills down their arms. Suga adjusted his shorts with one hand, the waistband slightly pulling up.

“So, what’d you want to talk about?” Suga lightly sucked on the straw, drinking down the sweet drink. It was a bit too sweet for him, but the aftertaste made up for it. It didn’t leave the ‘ahh’ feeling after a cold drink in the summer. It left more of a ‘mmm’. Suga chuckled, thinking of how Hinata expresses himself. Hinata’s stupidity was rubbing off on him.

“Uh.” Suga turned to Tadashi, he didn’t know where to start. Where does he start? What can he even say? Hey my mom is a drunk and I take care of her. Oh my dad has a smoking addiction and doesn’t care he’s killing us with secondhand smoke. 

“Tadashi?” Suga was beginning to worry. He hasn’t seen him struggle with words for this long. Sometimes he gets anxious, but he usually states what’s on his mind, despite not feeling well. It was troublesome.

“Sorry for bugging you.” Tadashi started. “I just needed someone to talk to.” He shook the can, listening to the liquid slap against the metal. It sounded like his stomach while running after downing half a bottle of water.

“Are you okay?” Suga pouted as he sucked on the straw, only to meet with air. He looked inside the straw, only to see white plastic on the other side. It’s empty and he’s sad. It reminded him too much of his feelings for a certain someone.

“Somewhat." He's not wrong. 

"Something is definitely up if you wanted to talk before practice." Suga bumped his shoulder, snapping Tadashi out of his thoughts. 

Tadashi sighed in defeat. "I've been going through some stuff and I'm not sure what to do." He wasn't lying, but it felt like what he said wasn't at all helpful. 

"You'll need to be more specific." Suga pulled out the straw, balancing it out on his upper lip while pursing his lips to keep it there. It was silly, but he didn’t care. 

"I don't have-" Tadashi stopped, trying to keep up with his breathing. His heart was picking up.

"Have what?" Suga moved his head slightly, trying to keep the straw as balanced as possible.

"I just-" He gave up. He slapped his hands against his face, groaning in frustration. 

"Hey, it's okay!" Suga dropped the straw and rubbed his back. 

"Sorry."

"You really need to stop apologizing." The straw kept rolling down the stairs, finally stopping at the bottom.

"It's hard." 

"I know."

"Can we just talk about something else first."  _ So I can catch up and breathe properly.  _

"Sure." Suga patted his back before fiddling with the hem of his shorts. Tadashi raised an eyebrow, he's never seen Suga this nervous. 

"There's this guy I like but I think he's interested in someone else." Tadashi almost choked on his spit. 

"You like someone?" 

"Yeah." Suga laughed out. "But there's a girl that also likes him and I know I don't have a chance, but I'm still happy to be by his side." He smiled, looking up at the sky. 

Baby blue. 

Suga's favorite color. 

"I know what you mean." Suga looked over to him. 

"I like someone but I don't think he's interested." 

"Tsukishima?" 

"How'd you-" 

"Oh please! I can see from miles away."

"Oh."

"So?"

"He asked me on a date this weekend." 

Did he just say a date? 

"And you think he's not interested?" Suga smirked.

"Well I teased about it, I wasn't expecting him to agree." Tadashi shrugged, twiddling around with his thumbs.

"But it's a date?" 

"I think so?" 

"You  _ think _ ?" 

"It's complicated."

"Is it?" Suga hummed out. He reached out a hand to the sky, hoping the clouds would drop a ladder. He wanted to ride one so bad.

"Maybe. I don't know." Tadashi took a last swig of the tea before crushing it under his shoe. 

It was a satisfying crunch. 

"I think you're overthinking it." Suga put his hand down. Clouds don’t just pick people up just cause they didn’t want to be there anymore. He wishes they did though.

"Probably."

"I think you have too much in your mind to let yourself be happy." Suga was always right, wasn’t he?

"Definitely." He’s right.

"So what's on your mind?" 

"Pardon?" 

"What's causing you to have so many panic and anxiety attacks?" Suga didn’t sugarcoat anything this time. He knew Tadashi didn’ t like hopping around subjects. Unlike Kei, Kei was impatient with many things. But Tadashi was only impatient with himself. 

They were like two peas of a pod.

"Does it matter?" Tadashi didn’t mean to spit out those words. He wasn’t offended per say. He just wasn’t expecting Suga to hit the nail.

"Tsukishima thinks so. He's the one who reached out to me." Suga eye the straw, swaying back and forth with the wind. He moved down a step, trying to reach it with his toe.

"He did?" Tadashi doesn’t understand why he’s shocked at this. They’ve been childhood friends, Kei would always have a place in his heart.

"He cares a lot about you." Suga moved down another step.

"He does."

"So what’s stopping you?” Suga gave up and picked up the straw by hand. His back to Tadashi.

Tadashi counted backwards from 10. He reached 5 before the wall started to crumble. 

"My dad…" He gulped. "He uh, he and mom don't get along." Pieces tumbled down.

"Divorce?" Suga turned around to sit back next to Tadashi, putting the straw into the box and leaving it behind him.

"No. Not yet I think. I don't know." His castle was collapsing bit by bit.

Yet Suga waited. He always did. 

"They're not right for each other. They fight a lot. So mom ends up drinking." Tadashi rolled the dirty napkin with smudges of jam into the plastic wrap. It left his hands stickier.

"Do they hurt you?" Suga pressed on.

"No! At least not physically." Tadashi wasn’t sure which was worse.

"But they do?" They’re all shitty.

"It's more verbal." Tadashi hesitated. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about. He didn't like that he was telling Suga all this. He wanted Kei to know, but the thought made him terrified. 

"Have you told Tsukishima?" 

"No." He stared hard at the can under him. It was crushed, flattened, trash.  _ Like me. _

"Why not?" 

"Because." He wasn’t really sure yet. Maybe it was something to do with being afraid of what Kei would say or do, or maybe it was the fear of getting there.

Tadashi knew he needed help, but the fear of going out there and putting himself in a vulnerable situation wasn’t something he was willing to do so easily. It was like walking on the edge of a cliff, you wanted to go back but you know you have to keep going forward if you want to make progress.

Tadashi was stuck in the middle, watching the waves crash against sharp rocks. If he jumped, he could be in a much worse situation. If he went back, he’d be back to square one. If he went forward, he’d have to face the truth.

“Yamaguchi?” He hit his elbow on the fence beside him, hissing in pain as pins and needles ran through his entire arm.

“Oh, you hit your funny bone!” Suga giggled out. He couldn’t help but torment him a bit.

Takeda smiled at them, softly laughing as Tadashi struggled to stand up.

“Sorry, I was just really hungry.” He climbed down the steps, trash in hand, almost tripping halfway through. Legs were falling asleep and he was too busy in his thoughts to realize it.

He’s starting to think the feeling of numbness is a common theme for him. 

“I got a call from the nurse, she said you needed someone to talk to?” Takeda didn’t ask the nurse for details. Quite frankly, when she told him he needed to take things easy and tried to schedule an appointment for his counselor, he stepped in. He didn’t regret his decision, he knew what he was getting into.

He’s known the child was struggling with some form of anxiety, afterall, playing in front of hundreds of people against top schools, it was quite anxiety inducing. He wasn’t expecting to be told he had an anxiety attack in the middle of lunch and was forced to lay down in bed for almost an hour.

“Yeah.” Tadashi fidgeted around with the plastic ball. It stuck to the sticky parts of his palm, as much as he wanted to wipe them on his shorts, he knew only lint would stick to it. Between him and Kei, he hated getting his hands dirty. Volleyball was one thing, but sticky hands and icky fingers, absolutely not. 

“You want to talk in my office?” Takeda glanced over his shoulders, Suga picked up the empty box and cans, shoving them into the plastic bag. He pinched his fingers around the sticky ball of plastic. No way was he going to touch it fully. “Suga, Daichi needs some assistance.” Suga nodded, handing the bag to Tadashi.

He gave him a reassuring smile before stalking off, idly walking as he looked at the sky.

The clouds were really fluffy today.

“That one looks like a bird.” He muttered against the wind as it disheveled his hair, pulling away it’s gentle hug. He missed it. He missed the way it felt against his skin, it was so cool yet comforting, even during cold nights. The freezing sunrise as morning dewdrops dripped onto the ground. The wet feeling beneath his feet as he and Daichi laughed on the grass, laughing at memories, laughing at love.

He’s never going to have those moments again. That’s what Suga thinks. He tells himself to face reality, to give up the impossible, to stop looking back. But everytime he sees  _ him _ , his world falls apart. 

Suga takes one last look at Tadashi, as he’s being led to Takeda’s office. Tadashi turns back and meets his gaze.

They share a secretive smile.

Suga takes a finger and points up.

Tadashi peeks at the bird shaped cloud, watching it disappear behind a building.

A tear slides down Suga’s face as he turns back and enters the gym. He didn’t bother wiping it. Sometimes he needed a good cry and a walk to forget the consistent agony of being in love with someone you’ll never have.

“That looks like a bird.” Tadashi smiles at the sky, the bird flying away into the mountains.

“Yamaguchi?” Takeda calls out.

“Coming.”

He knows.

He knows how much he wants to fly away. 

He wants to ride a cloud too.

* * *

Kei isn’t blind. He can see the ball right before Hinata spikes it. He runs to the other side, barely touching the ball as it flies high.

“One touch!”

“Nice Tsukishima!”

The door opening shouldn’t have caught his attention so easily. He took a peek anyways. He hopes it was the one person he misses. It was Suga.

Suga shakes his head at him.

_ Damn. _

Kei resumes his view to the other side of the net. Kageyama throws the ball high, as it falls down to meet against his palm, Daichi takes a step to the side and receives it. 

“Nice receive!”

Kei and Asahi run at the same tempo, their breathing falling into a steady pace as Noya runs to the edge, ready to set.

“Let’s go Noya!”

Noya jumps as the ball connects his fingertips. Kei jumps higher, and the ball links to his hand. Hinata didn’t stand a chance to block it.

“Damn it, Tsukishima.” Hinata curses out, irritated.

“He’s taller than you, what’d you expect?” Kageyama crosses his arms. He looked less peeved today. Kei wanted to change that.

“Oh? You weren’t any different either.” He taunts.

“What’d you say?”  _ Right into my trap. _

Kei didn’t get to say any more. 

“Tsukishima!” He looks to the side, Suga waving at him to come over. He stopped listening to the duo’s spiteful words being tossed to him. They could wait a thousand years. His mind hadn’t stopped thinking about the small ahoge popping up at the bottom of a tv screen.

His vision hyperfocused on it bouncing joyfully. He misses him.

“Did you talk to him?” Kei was eager to have something in his hands. Whether it was popping a volleyball or feeling Tadashi’s palm, he remembers the ridges and bumps on his calloused hands. The small freckles splayed on his wrists and arms. It’s too cheesy to kiss every one of them, it would take years. 

He would kiss him for as long as it takes.

He misses the pulse he felt on his lips as it grazes his wrist. The cool feeling of his skin on a chilly night. It wasn’t warm physically, but it spread something throughout his body. He realized he liked having his lips on him. He likes the high feeling he gets from it.

He craves it.

Ukai calls out for an overdue break.

“I did.” Suga nodded before leaning against the wall. “He had something to say, but he didn’t exactly explain.” He shrugged off Kei’s intense glare. 

“What do you mean?” Kei is suspicious of Suga’s careless body expression.  _ He’s lying. _

“I can’t tell you what he said, but I do know, you’re going to have to be patient. It’s something out of his control. Whatever is happening is taking a huge toll on him mentally. He seemed kind of…” Suga trailed off, tapping a finger to his chin. He ran through a river of words, each one he fished out, didn’t seem fit.

Kei impatiently tapped a foot. 

“Ah-ha!” Suga held a finger to the air. 

Kei leaned in a little. Curiosity getting the best of him.

He wasn’t going to get that satisfaction that easily.

“He’s like a cryptid.” Suga chuckled at the thought of Tadashi having moth wings and horns on his head. 

_ A cryptid indeed. _

“What?” Kei’s voice cracked. He wasn’t sure if the third year was messing with him or was making a weird analogy of his best friend.

“Like Bigfoot. Or the Jersey Devil.” Suga started giggling as his imagination ran wild.

“No, I know what a cryptid is. Are you comparing him to a cryptid or he  _ is _ a cryptid?”

“In a way he is.” He nodded, deep in thought. Kei waited for a bit. Suga wasn’t explaining and he was still confused as shit.

“Are you-”

“His existence is unsubstantiated.” Suga memorized the wiki article. He likes that phrase. It suits the situation in a weird way. It also made him sound like a fucking genius.

“How so?” Kei was interested. A little bit. Ok, a lot. He’s very interested.

“He looks like he’s there but he doesn’t seem like he is. He falters in and out of reality, as if he’s escaping the very place he should exist in.” Suga looked out the window, watching the sky darken. There were no more clouds. He misses them already. He misses  _ him _ too.

Kei was slightly confused. All he wanted was a straightforward answer.

_ Nothing comes easy. _

“So he’s running away?” 

“Not physically.”

“Ok, so emotionally?”

“Yeah, I kind of thought  _ you’d  _ be the emotionally constipated one.” Suga innocently teased, tugging at a few chains locked on Kei’s heart. 

“What does that mean?” He felt a bit offended. The chains pull harder against his chest. 

He threw the key out years ago.

Tadashi found it one evening while holding a blackbird with a broken wing. They were 7 when he found out, the freckled boy held something he was missing his entire life.

His own key to being happy. Just him and Tadashi.

_ If only. _

“It means, he’s starting to suffocate himself with his own emotions while you are learning to show them.” Suga turned away from the window and leaned away from the wall, bending forward. He was mocking Kei, provoking him to step onto his web.

“And that means?” And Kei fell into it, his wings trapped..

“It means you two are so blind to your emotions. He’s someone who went as far as practicing with someone else to catch up to you, to be on the same court. He went forward for his and yours’ sake, so why aren’t you going as far for him?” Suga knew he was tugging at Kei’s heart strings. He’s supposed to feel bad. He’s supposed to feel guilty for running away. He wanted him to do better. But he could only do so much for him.

“I don’t understand.” Kei’s chains were being pulled in all sorts of directions. It was irritating. 

“He was always beside you until he decided to start walking ahead, but now he’s so far he thinks he’s all alone.” Suga giggled. Kei felt intimidated by it. “You two are in two opposite directions, you need to go to him.”

“So I should find him?”

Suga shook his head.

“You go with him.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. You said to go to him but I shouldn’t find him? How else would I go with him?” Kei was beginning to feel frustrated. 

_ This is a stupid analogy. Where is this even going? _

“I never said you shouldn’t be with him.” Suga sighed before stepping aside. He was ready to leave Kei in a confused state, but Kei wasn’t ready yet. He still didn’t understand how Tadashi was anything like a cryptid.

“You want me to go into the unknown  _ with _ him?”

“There you go.” Suga put a hand to his hip. “For someone as intelligent, you sure need to stop using logic on people’s minds. We’re all different when we’re stuck in our heads. So don’t wait around for him to come back to you. You have to catch up to him and go together.”

Suga looked at Kei’s face before walking away.

Kei wasn’t sure if he was falling into a spider’s web or being played by a mastermind.

It was both.

He replayed the words over in his head.

Tadashi, a cryptid?

He was nothing like Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster. Tadashi wasn’t an animal to be treated like he doesn’t exist. He’s human like the rest of them. His brain racked around for clues, definitions, a thesaurus even. 

**Cryptid** : an animal that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.

Kei saw the ball fly past Kageyama’s block. The ball bounced up and smacked into the wall behind Tanaka. There were yells of terror and amazement ricocheting around the room.

_ Claim to exist. _

Kei jumped at the exact moment Hinata spiked, the rushed feeling of contempt coursed through his hands.

_ Never proven to exist. _

He set for Asahi, jumping and tossing the ball away from the net, high enough for Asashi to satisfyingly smack past Hinata's small hands.

_ Tadashi exists but doesn’t feel like he is. _

Kei sees Tadashi, Tadashi sees him.

_ Tadashi doesn’t see himself. _

Kei’s mind snaps.  A thick chain loosens, cracking in the middle. It spreads to the lock, crumbling once it reaches it.

_ Tadashi is stuck somewhere in his own head. _

_ “You have to catch up and go together.” _

So that’s what he means.

Tadashi was on his own.

And he needed to stop thinking Tadashi would turn around and face things head on with him.

He smiled to the other side of the net.

Suga was about to serve.

He knows.

A bird passes by the window, landing on a telephone pole. It sits with another bird, smaller than him. They chirp and dance on the line, slightly cackling at the other’ s nuisance. When one is flapping its wings, ready to take off, it waits for his friend to ready himself too.

They fly together in the same direction.

They know.

_ Don’t let him go on his own. Be there in the unknown with him. _

The bird shows him that.

Kei finally understands. The voice in his head is telling him. 

He vows to be by his side,  _ Tadashi has always been by mine. _

It’s his turn now. And he needs to go and prove they deserve to be side by side.

_ He’s a man who walks ahead of me. And I need to catch up. _

* * *

Tadashi stares at the stacks of paper. He’s amazed how much info a paper carries. Teachers always demanded the bare minimum, essays with at least 500 words. He never understood why that exact number, clearly it should be easy to write over 1000 words. He forgets he’s not like the other students who have heavy burdens on his shoulder, weighing him down and dragging him into the very depths of hell.

Jesus.

_ Pardon Azumane-san. _

So maybe he had a lot inside, he carried heavy thoughts around him, clinging onto every inch of his body. His legs felt like lead, they weren’t his. He wasn’t in his body. He looked at his hands, searching for something familiar. He was met with someone else’s hands on his own body. He looked down the arms before him, seeing spots littered across the skin.

_ This can’t be me. _

He heard echoes. He looked around the room, feeling distorted. His head felt heavy. It was like thick vines crushing his brain, it wrapped around his mind, spreading a plague of bad thoughts. Static fill the empty space. He was trying so hard to focus, trying to feel his own body. Everything was warped. He was slipping away. Everything he heard was distorted and far away. He couldn’t decipher anything but continue to feel like his body was drifting further away.

Takeda called out his name a few times. Tadashi wasn’t responding, he was there, but his eyes were empty. Devoid of any life and hope. Takeda sat still, waiting patiently. To them, it felt like a long time had passed. But in reality, it all happened within 30 minutes. He didn’t keep track of time when Tadashi was slowly moving his toes and fingers. He was coming back.

“Yamaguchi.” He said in a low voice. 

“Do you need some space?” He asked. Tadashi was still sitting, looking far away yet being so close.

“I’ll wait.” He was talking to himself, hoping Tadashi heard something at least.

A few more moments passed before Tadashi was able to breathe like he owned a pair of lungs. His throat felt dry and his tongue was cracked. He was dehydrated. Takeda returned to his desk with bottled water.

“Do you still need some time?” He sat down, hands neatly folded on his lap. Tadashi could only nod as he took the water and downed half of it. His throat felt cooler, his insides inviting the tasteless liquid. He set the bottle in between his thighs. He tried to rub the sweat from his palms, forgetting the wet sticky feeling from jam and condensation. It was gross.

He looked around the room, watching the light from the window dim. There was no one else in the room, just them. He sees workloads on everyone’s desks. A left behind bento box with cute yellow stars on a shiny black background. He remembers his bento, laying empty on the kitchen counter. He ignored it everytime. 

_ Mom, I need money for lunch. _

_ I don’t have any. _

_ Oh. Ok. _

_ Ask your dad. _

_ No, I’m good. _

_ Ok. _

Takeda shifts in his seat, eager to help, but scared to say anything. Tadashi feels immense guilt in his chest. It’s a thorn in his heart. It grows as Takeda waits. He wants to yank it out, let himself bleed on the floor and disappear from the world.

He blinks away the image.  _ No, stop that. _ He starts to look at Takeda, focusing on the details of his glasses. His wrinkles and ever-so-kind eyes. 

Takeda started off as someone who would beg on his knees for the volleyball team, he still would. He grew stronger and confident seeing Karasuno finally fly, finally proving to everyone they’re not flightless. They deserve a spot on the court. Tadashi would never say this out loud, but he rather admired Takeda. He always knew what to say. He would be nervous and scared, yet overcame it for the sake of others, he believed in every one of them.

_ I wish I believed in myself. _

“Does this happen often?” 

Tadashi shook his head too fast. He felt woozy, rocking a bit in his seat.

“Take it easy.” Takeda reached out in case he fell over.

“Ok.” Tadashi’s stomach was wrong. It was a tornado racking around for destruction. He took a few deep breaths before steadying himself.

“The nurse told me she was going to schedule you an appointment with your counselor. I hope you don’t mind, I intervened.” Takeda wrote on a notebook he used for volleyball practice. He wrote it on the margins in small neat letters.

“It’s ok.” Tadashi was grateful for it actually. He doesn’t think he can talk to strangers about something he won’t even tell his friends. It seemed unfair.

“I won’t force you to tell me anything. But if you’re struggling, you should let us.” Takeda took out a file.

“I did a lot of research and printed out some hotlines.” Tadashi looked up curiously. Takeda slid the papers across, highlighting certain numbers and words.

“Hotlines?” There are hotlines for anxiety? Does he even have anxiety? Shouldn’t he go to a professional if he did?

_ No, you’re fine. You’re just broken. _

“In case you ever feel like you want to talk but to someone you don’t personally know.” Will talking to strangers about his problems even help him? No, they wouldn’t. 

“I’m not sure if I have anxiety.” He’s too scared to find out.

_ I’m fine. I’m just tired. _

“Well, we can schedule you to see someone.” Takeda looked around the room, searching for something that could aid him.

“How?” Tadashi didn’t understand why this was happening. It happened  _ once. _ In public.

_ So how many more did you have before? A shit ton. _

“We give you a pre-examination interview and a detailed questionnaire, maybe a few psychological tests on paper.” Takeda looked back to Tadashi.

“Where would we even get those?” Tadashi started to feel sick. He didn’t like this one bit.

“Local clinics.”

“But I haven’t gone to the doctor in years.” One time, Tadashi sprained his pinky and his mom did nothing. Luckily his grandma was around and even made a splint for it. She would always use herbs and tea to help him during colds. When he was sick for a month, she was there to help him be stronger. He’s learned he never needed to see a doctor if your parents don’t have the money to spend on medication. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.

_ Stop that. _

“I have a friend who runs a small clinic in Miyagi. I’ll refer you to him.” Takeda took out a small notepad and wrote down a number. “His name is Mr. Iyasu. I’ll let him know you’ll be contacting him, that is, if you want to.” Takeda slid the paper over.

“Uh.” Tadashi didn’t know what to say. It felt unreal. “Why are you doing this?”

“Yamaguchi, I care for each and every one of you. Even if you can’t talk to us because you’re scared or uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean we still can’t help you.” Takeda hasn’t done this in years. He wasn’t used to talking to students when it came to mental health. The usual stress of finals and sports wasn’t new to him, but for a student to be so in distress from a situation unknown to anyone, it was a bit scary. 

“I see.” Tadashi was numb, he knew he should be glad about this. He knew he should be thanking him. He couldn't feel anything. He was just tired.

_ I’m fine. _

“I know it’s hard, I won’t rush you. Just keep his number around in case. He’s worked there for years so there’s no rush.” Takeda stood up to pull out a book from a shelf. He tugged at a bookmark, opening to the page it held. “Here, you should read this.” He left the book in front of Tadashi.

It wasn’t a huge book. It was full of exercises and techniques. The page was highlighted.

**5-4-3-2-1 Coping Technique for Anxiety**

“What’s this?” Tadashi touched the edges of the book, feeling the pages glide across his skin. It was slightly painful with how dry his fingers were, yet somewhat satisfying. He loved the feeling of a book in his hands, the sound of pages turning. He should go to a bookstore.

“It’s a good technique when you’re having an anxiety attack.” Takeda watched as Tadashi slid the book towards him, slightly hanging off the edge of the desk, staring at the letters.

_ This five-step exercise can be very helpful during periods of anxiety or panic by helping to ground you in the present when your mind is bouncing around between various anxious thoughts. _

Tadashi tested out his breathing, taking slow, deep, long breaths. He was having difficulty consuming everything that was going on. He wasn’t expecting Takeda to be this helpful. He knew everyone was comfortable with him, almost able to tell him just about everything. But this sort of thing, Tadashi usually kept to himself. He knew mentally he was tired and drained, tired of living his day to day life sometimes. Yet here he is, reading a book on something he denied.

Denial.

The one thing people do when someone passes away. He lost a few family members before, he wasn’t as affected though. He knew people died. He knew he’d never see them again. So he accepted it. He stopped thinking about it, he refused to ask any questions. He let it go.

He can’t let his anxiety go. He can’t keep jogging around the topic and ignore the feelings he’s kept inside. He knows something is wrong, he knows something is up whenever he has thoughts flooding his mind, practically suffocating him. He let himself be drowned further into the ocean of melancholia. 

“Um. Can I take a picture of this?” Tadashi surprised himself, he’s never instigated on self-help. He let himself be dragged down, 

_ Why now? _

Takeda perked up, slightly jumping in his seat. “Let me print it out for you. I’ll have it ready once practice is over.” He glanced over to the clock. There was 15 minutes left. “It’s late but I’m sure Ukai wants to talk to you.”

Tadashi tilted his head.  “Why me?”

“He’s worried too.” Takeda smiled at him.

_ It feels like everyone is worried. _

They didn’t need to. He wanted to drown.

_ I’m fine. _

* * *

“So, what did Ukai tell you?” Kei massaged a piece of lint in his pocket. He was tired, his arms were sore and legs were aching. He walked slower, close to Tadashi. His fingers fidgeted around, practically itching to grab Tadashi’s hand into his. He took the piece of lint and tossed it aside. 

“He wanted to ask if everything was okay. He said I look exhausted and should take better care of myself.” Tadashi said mindlessly. His voice was dull and dispassionate. It didn’t suit him.

“Hmm. Is everything okay?” Kei’s shoulder was rubbing into Tadashi’s. He didn’t know his feet unintentionally walked closer to him. He was so whipped even doing subconscious tasks.

_ Damn it. _

“I don’t know. I’m still figuring stuff out.” Tadashi shrugged, pulled out a paper from his backpack, it was crinkled and the edges bent in. 

“What’s that?” Kei waited for Tadashi to hand it to him. He noticed his hands were slightly shaking.

“Takeda-sensei printed it from a book. Apparently it’s supposed to help me.” He sneered.

Kei took in the words.

**5** : Acknowledge  **FIVE** things you see around you.

Kei looked over to Tadashi. He was looking at the ocean from below the bridge, watching the ripples as birds dived into the water, droplets flying mid air until it landed back into the water. Kei stopped breathing for a few seconds. 

Tadashi’s face glowed from the orange and yellow sky, the sunset reflecting in his eyes. His freckles stood out against gold tinted cheeks. 

_ He looks absolutely stunning.  _

Kei snuck out his phone and swiped to the right to get the camera. Thankfully his phone is always on silent. He tucked it back into his pocket before clearing his throat.

“I think this is pretty helpful.” Kei returned the paper. Tadashi only hummed, blindly reaching out to receive it, missing it a few times. The view before him being ingrained. 

Orange meets purple as it sinks into the water. Tadashi was a night owl by force, but he always enjoyed watching everything above him. He would trace constellations with his hands, whispering the stories his grandmother told him. His mother always called out bullshit but he shrugged her off, eagerly soaking up the tales the stars carried.

_ Corona Borealis _

“The Northern Crown.” He mumbled out.

“Huh?”

“Oh! Sorry. I was thinking out loud.” Tadashi’s hand finally found the paper and stuffed it back into his backpack. 

“What about the Northern Crown?” Kei liked stars, but he could never see the shapes people thought constellations looked like. He thought it was just a bunch of lines and ta-da, call that some latin name and you got yourself a constellation! 

“I was just remembering the story behind it.” Tadashi waved a hand, hoping the topic would change. He loved his grandma, that was until she betrayed them and left them to fucking die. 

_ That’s not entirely true. She died. She was the only person you considered as family. How pathetic. _

“Tell me.” Kei stopped walking, turning around to face him and looking eager to listen. Tadashi felt his cheeks warm.

“Uh. You sure?” Tadashi’s thoughts came to a halt. He looked at Kei with disbelief. 

“Hit me.” Kei puffed out his chest, putting his hands on his hips in a semi-heroic pose. Tadashi immediately giggled, trying to stifle it with his hand. He looked around, seeing they were near a park entrance. 

“Ok.” He grabbed Kei’s arm and pulled him over to their favorite late night hang out spot. He took a turn to sit down on a bench. The very park they first met. There’s a vending machine around with the same brand drinks. Tadashi dug into his pockets, pulling coins and counting them. Just enough for some crisp apple tea. His mouth watered, pressing down on the small button.

_ Clink. _

The delightful sound of can meeting the bottom of the vending machine. 

_ Your drink is here _ it says. At least in his mind, the machine has a voice.

Kei settled for a red bull.

“That’s not good for you.” Tadashi started.

“Spare me a lecture and get on with the story.” Kei smirked, taking a small sip. Tadashi rolled his eyes and sat down, patting the seat beside him.

Before Kei asked Tadashi out, they would sit at a respectable distance. Today, they were close. Close enough for Kei to see his eyes shine as he told the story he held dear to his heart. Kei inched closed, one hand carrying his drink and the other sliding close to Tadashi’s. Their hands were merely centimeters apart on the bench. 

“Do you know how many stars are in the Corona Borealis?” Tadashi looked up to see night finally making its way.

“8?” Kei guessed.

“7.” Tadashi’s eyes searched around but night wasn’t fully settled in yet. “The crown had 7 beautiful jewels, and when Ariadne died, Zeus placed her crown in the sky. He changed the jewels to 7 stars.”

“How’d she get the crown?” Kei didn’t know who this Ariadne person was, but he was peculiar on what the crown stood for in the story.

“Minos, the second king of Crete, had a labyrinth built to confine a ferocious Minotaur.” 

“Sounds smart, maybe I should build one for Hinata.” Kei scoffed, making Tadashi laugh a little.

“Anyway, the maze was so complex and confusing, even the designer, Daedalus, was almost unable to find his way back to the entrance.”

“Pfft.” Kei didn’t mean to interrupt Tadashi, but the whole thing was silly. He didn’t find Tadashi telling the story silly, just the people in it. But he waited to listen to everything Tadashi had to say.

“As I was saying,” Tadashi glared at Kei. “Each year, King Minos sent twelve of the most handsome or beautiful young people to be in the labyrinth as Minotaur food.”

“Oh. Maybe Kageyama and Hinata should be put into it.”

“You’re silly.” Tadashi quipped.

“Minos’ daughter, Ariadne fell in love with someone in the third group, Theseus, King of Athens. She offered to help him if he would take her away with him when he escaped.”

“Please tell me he said no.” Kei knew where this was going, but still hoped.

“He said yes.” Hope doesn’t exist.

“Oh great.” Kei chugged the rest of the energy drink, letting the caffeine kick in.

“She gave him a ball of magical thread-” Kei snickered. 

“Tsukki, I’m trying to tell you one of my grandma’s favorite stories and you keep making silly remarks after every sentence.” Tadashi pouted.

“Sorry, sorry.” He leaned back on his hands, letting a hand casually lay on top of Tadashi’s. He felt a blush creep up from his neck, listening intently while trying to keep his cool. His fingers slightly curled in to hold it.

“Um. Oh! So the magical thread was to unwind in the labyrinth, that way when he killed the Minotaur, he could follow his way out again. Theseus attacked and killed the monster and followed the thread back out. He sailed away from Crete, taking Ariadne with him and went to the island of Naxos where he deserted her and sailed to his home.” Tadashi tried really hard not to stutter, the warmth on top of his hand was too satisfying. It felt so nice. 

“I’m sorry, this is your grandma’s favorite story? This is depressing as hell.” Kei’s fingertips pressed against Tadashi’s palms. He felt the small imperfect lines from an ‘accident’. He could feel the warmth grow stronger.

Tadashi could only blush at the contact, he wanted to hold hands. 

_ He cares a lot about you. _

He pulled his hand away to grab Kei’s wrist, pulling it into his lap. He let his fingers run down to his knuckle, brushing it gently before turning it over and brushing over the lines on his palms.

Kei felt his heart stutter, chest tightening. He did not expect Tadashi to do anything that sudden, but he wasn’t complaining. He intertwined his fingers, squeezing their hands together. It was comfortable.

“Tsukki.” He leaned onto Kei’s side. “She had nowhere to go until Bacchus, the god of wine and parties, came to her aid. She was extremely sad until Bacchus fell in love with her and treated her well. He made her the crown with the most beautiful jewels he could find. Some say it was 7 diamonds.” He let his head fall on Kei’s shoulder completely, his drink still beside, half full. 

Kei felt his heart quicken, having the urge to pull Tadashi into his chest.

“So why is this her favorite?” He didn’t know what happened to Tadashi’s grandparents. He wasn’t one to talk about his family. People thought Kei was the mysterious one, but Tadashi was much more secretive with his personal life than Kei. It was only until now that people were starting to find out.

“Because even though she was betrayed, she was able to find love again.” Tadashi heard a heartbeat in his left ear. His cheeks warmed when he realized their position, he was in Kei’s bubble and became terrified of bursting into it.

He couldn’t pull back. Kei untied their hands and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. His heart beating against his chest, ready to burst. Tadashi heard it all. 

“Tsukki?”

“Hm?”

“Do you-”

“Yamaguchi!” 

They pulled away from each, Tadashi covering his red face and Kei scratching the back of his head. Hinata bursted forward, practically skipping to them.

“What were you two doing?”

“Nothing!” Tadashi and Kei yelled. 

“Okay?” Hinata pulled out a deck of UNO cards. “Wanna play?” 

“Don’t you have friends to play with?” Kei sneered, standing over Hinata. 

“Yamaguchi is my friend.” Hinata struggled shuffling the cards, letting a few pieces fall to the ground.

“Hinata!” Kageyama ran up to them. His face was flushed and he was panting. 

“Here.” Tadashi held out the rest of his tea. “You look like you need it.” 

“Didn’t you drink from that?” Kageyama hesitated.

“Yeah but I share stuff with Tsukki all the time. Does it matter?” Tadashi shrugged.

“Ok.” Kageyama shrugged back and took the drink and swallowed the rest of it. Hinata and Kei were baffled to say the least. 

_ Woah woah.  _ Kei was feeling a little jealous. It’s just a drink. 

“You! Had an indirect kiss with Yamaguchi!” Hinata dropped the cards to point a finger at him.

“It’s fine Hinata. We all share things, remember when you ate my half eaten melon bread during lunch?” Tadashi tapped the side of his head, making it seem he was in deep thought.

“Gah!” Hinata’s face turned pink.

Kei looked at the cards spread around. “Are you going to pick that up or?” 

“Oh yeah!” Hinata scurried, picking up the cards one by one, counting along the way to make sure he had every single of them.

“Are we playing?” Kageyama looked over Hinata’s shoulder as he stacked the cards together, attempting to shuffle them again. He seemed closer than usual.

“Here I’ll do it.” Tadashi opened up his hand, waiting for the cards.

“What happened to your hand?” Hinata grabbed onto Tadashi’s wrist, pulling it closer to his face. 

Kei glanced over to see Tadashi with a scared look in his eyes. He brought a hand down to break off Hinata’s hold and held Tadashi’s hand.

“Do you want to play or not?” He pointed out at the messy stack of cards.

“Oh yeah.” Hinata dropped the deck onto Kei’s free hand, letting the cards decide the fate of the players.

“Wait, we're actually playing? It’s almost 8.” Kageyama stuffed his hands in his pockets, looking the other way. Hinata had stepped back and bumped into him. He was not about to get caught that he was purposely that close.

“I will. I have nothing else to do anyways.” Tadashi said as he sat down with Hinata. Hinata pulled out blades of grass, letting it slide through his fingers, admiring the dark green color, before letting the wind take it away.

If Tadashi could write his thoughts out on every grass the wind carries, he’s sure he’d be free from all his troubles.

“I can’t believe we’re playing UNO at this hour.” Kei murmured as he passed out the cards to everyone. 

Tadashi laughed at the antics Hinata pulled to annoy Kageyama. He laughed at Kei teasing them from the other side of the circle. He laughed as he won three times in a row. He laughed when Kei whispered in his ear, tickling him when Tadashi wasn’t looking. 

He didn’t laugh when it was 11 pm.

_ Fuck. _

* * *

Tadashi’s father took a drag, watching the smoke in front of him dissipate. He liked watching the shapes the smokes made. Sometimes he would create stories for them when Tadashi was younger. It wasn’t the brightest way of telling stories, but it was his way. His father did the same for him, so he assumed it was right to do the same with Tadashi.

He took out his wallet, pulling out expired cards and coupons, letting them drop on the floor. A photo of a man with his wife, sitting together on a bench. She was 4 months pregnant. 

_ Take care of them. _

He took those words to the couch every night when he laid down, staring into the darkness that concave the entire house. If he knew he would end up like this, he would’ve run out the altar years ago. But it’s too late. 

He had nothing but to watch the family he was promised fall apart.

All for his brother’s fucking sake.

Tadashi slightly opens the front door, trying to sneak into the house without waking his father up. His dad was already awake.

“Why are you late? Do you have any idea what time it is?” He smashed the cigarette into the ashtray on the coffee table, one of the legs wobbled from the force.

“I was studying at Tsukki’s.” Tadashi gritted his teeth, the stench of cigarette smoke burned into his lungs. It was a demon clawing his insides, his stomach contracted in discomfort, his head started to pound lightly.

“Fucks sake. You have a phone.” His dad stood up, stomping over to him. Tadashi’s shoulders tensed, pulling every muscle within to not crumble to the floor in fear.

“Next time, you come right home after practice.” He breathed into his face, his cigarette breath dried Tadashi’s eyes, causing it to tear up. He was positive the tears were from the smoky breath, definitely not because he was scared shitless.

He nodded and stepped around his dad, fast walking to his room.

Tadashi’s dad left soon after. Who knows where? Nobody bothers to find out.

Tadashi sighed as he slid down against the door. He heard the familiar door close, shaking the walls. If he had any paintings, he was sure they all would have broken into pieces knowing his father’s temper tantrums. He’d throw anything onto the walls. Even his own fists.

He shuddered as he saw the window partially open. He crawls his way over, barely reaching to ledge on his fingertips to pull it down hastily. There was no mesh on it, he was always paranoid that someone would break in or worse. Someone would sneak into his house and see the mess he lived in. His room was barren and lonely. Nothing personal. 

It was boring and shitty.

He took out his assignments and shoved them aside. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep much once his mom came home, but the paper Takeda gave him, called out his name. He looked over it, taking in every word. 

_ I don’t have anxiety. _

There’s no way. He’s not broken.

_ I’m fine. _

He denied himself. He always did at first.

He heard the door clumsily open and slam shut,

“Taaaadaaaashiii.” His mom slurred on the other side of the door. He held his breath as her footstep faded. He closed his eyes, counting down the seconds, trying to calm himself from breaking down again. 

_ I’m fine. _

A glass breaks in the kitchen.

_ I’m fine. _

His mom is yelling.

_ I’m fine. _

His dad barges into the house again, screaming.

_ I’m fine. _

Tadashi starts crying.

_ I’m not fine. _

He runs out the door and into the street without a jacket. He ran with dingy home slippers, slipping along the sidewalk. He ran, sweat running along his jaw and neck.

_ I’m not fine. _

He learns that maybe, he does need help. But not now. Right now, he needs to focus on his mom. 

He walks back, hugging himself. 

The front door left open, his mother on the ground crying on the ground with glass shards on her hand. 

His dad nowhere to be seen.

He always finds her wandering around drunk and drops her off, but never bothering to help her. No, that was Tadashi’s job. It’s always been his job.

_ She’s not my wife. She’s my mom. _

_ You take care of her. _

He’s not a fucking babysitter. 

_ But that's not fair. _

_ It’s not fair for me either. _

He just wants to have a life of his own before he’s forced to be an adult. He feels like an adult sometimes.

_ You never do anything! _

_ I don’t care. _

His dad always makes him angry. His poor pathetic excuse of a family always makes him angry. But the moment he sees his mom vulnerable and in pain, he forgets.

He forgets how much pain he’s in.

He forgets he’s not fine.

And so he lies to himself again in the morning, too tired to stay awake and make himself breakfast.

_ I’m fine. _

All he wanted was to laugh and play UNO till 11 pm, maybe even longer. He wanted to be surrounded by loving people. Was that too much to ask for?

_ I just want to be a teenager. _

But Tadashi never asks for anything. 

_ You’re being selfish,  _ his father would say.

_ You’re just a child, you wouldn’t understand,  _ his mother would say.

_ I just want to be with Tsukki. _

He would hope while clinging to his blanket, silently crying as his mother snoring on the ground beside him. His father was smoking in the living room, seeping into the walls. The scent of alcohol and smoke mixed together, making Tadashi sick.

Sick. Tired. 

He was lost walking into a tunnel, readying himself to forever be stuck in a void with no exit. He was ready to take the step, to never come back out. The moon above him shines a path behind him, on the other side, Kei was waiting, holding out a hand. 

Tadashi doesn’t want to take it. He doesn’t want to drag anything with him. He wants to suffer and drown alone. But Kei wouldn’t let him. He’s waiting, yet Tadashi doesn’t want to go back. He wants to do this alone.

_ We can do this together. _

Kei says. Kei knows. Kei waits. 

Tadashi cries, screams, hurts. He wakes up at 5 AM with his phone buzzing.

**tsukki: don’t forget our date tmr. meet me at the park @ 10 am**

Tadashi cracks a wet smile, salty tears still streaming down. The burning stopped. 

**yams: ok! i’ll see you tmr.**

**tsukki: <3**

He looks at his phone, pale blue reflects on his face. His smile quivers.

**yams: <3**

He’ll wait after all.

**4** : Acknowledge  **FOUR** things you can touch around you.

Kei. Kei. Kei. Kei’s hand.

He’ll wait.

_ I’m fine. _

He refused to go into some unknown void by himself.

**yams: if i jump into a black hole, would you come with me?**

His heart is pounding against his chest.

**tsukki: duh. i’ll be by your side no matter what.**

He lets his eyes brim with tears, the streaks they left were cool against his skin.

_ I’m not fine. But I’m not alone. _

He and Kei can go into the unknown and find a way out on their own.

**yamaguchi: thank you suga.**

**sugawara: np! :) if tsukishima ever makes anything difficult, let me know and i’ll kick his ass lol**

**yamaguchi: SUGA OMG**

He giggles into his blanket, letting his eyes close.

_ I’m going to be fine. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i read all your comments multiple times and im too flustered to respond. but i appreciate every single one of them and thank you for all your kind words.


	5. rose's turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn?  
> Don't I get a dream for myself?

Kei threw his dinosaur plush into the air and caught it before it hit his face. He repeated this until his mind ran blank. His brain didn’t have enough cells to figure out how to go on a date. He doesn’t know if he should confess or wait until they were walking as the sunset went down and kissed under the stars. Maybe he should take him to a tall tree and carve their names? Is that illegal?

“Kei!” Kei didn’t catch the dinosaur in time. It’s muzzle slammed into the bridge of his glasses, pushing down the lens on his eyes. 

“Ow.” The plush fell to the floor with a small pat. Akiteru snickered.

“You okay?”

“Shut up.” Kei took off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What do you want?”

“Well, you did ask what to do on a date.” Akiteru let himself in, leaving the door semi-open. He flopped down to the desk chair and swung around.

“The date is tomorrow.” Kei sat up on his bed, his butt was asleep for hours, but he was too lazy to move. He was tired from all the dives they did today as a punishment for every failed received. 

“Ok, and who are you going on a date with?” Akiteru kept swivelling, ignoring his brother’s glare.

“Tadashi.” Akiteru stopped, getting his ankle stuck on the chair’s leg and ungracefully fell to his side. He posed on the floor, sweating from embarrassment. 

“Ta-tadashi?!” 

“Yeah.” Kei shrugged, standing up to pull out a small notebook from his backpack. He flipped around the pages, looking at every word he wrote neatly. Pages were filled to the brim with important information, he made sure to reread it every night the past week. He really did want to be there for him.

_“Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety.”_

If Kei wanted to get this date right, he wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be the one to cause Tadashi any anxiety. He wanted them to enjoy themselves, he’d fight a dinosaur with only a stick if he had to, anything to make him happy.

_I wonder if he even likes me in that way._

Kei wasn’t a romantic, at least he thought he wasn’t. But the ideas he’s had for a date made him think otherwise.

“So, where are you taking him?”

Kei was astounded at the reaction. Not one second ago, Akiteru received the most shocking news about his brother and best friend, and now he’s acting like it’s old news.

“You… You’re okay with it?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”Akiteru sat up, holding his ankles together in a childish manner. “You like him right?” 

Kei didn’t answer. He looked down to the notebook, the letters were jumbled and marks like chicken scratch. He kept looking around the pages, searching for some clarity.

“Kei?”

_“People with GAD don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.”_

“Kei!”

His head snapped up, the blurriness resided.

“What?”

“You okay?” Akiteru stretched out, leaning against his hands to hold him up. “You were out of it. Something wrong?”

“Yeah.”

… 

“No.” Kei dropped the book onto the bed. “I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his hair, pulling at it slightly.

“Talk to me.”

Kei snorted. “I rather not, but you’re the only one I could somewhat tolerate about this.”

“Ouch dude.” Akiteru brought a hand to his chest, pretending he was wounded. “Stop being an edgy angsty teen and talk.”

“Ugh.” Kei looked at his phone.

**11:32 pm**

He’s been doing research and thinking the majority of his night. He ignored the message Kageyama sent to him earlier after he pointed out Tadashi’s current state. He still thought about the conversation he had with Suga earlier that day. He had deciphered what Suga was saying, but to apply it was a whole other gameplan. 

**king: have you talked to yamaguchi? he looks more scared and tired lately.**

**tsukishima: buzz off**

**king: jerk**

**tsukishima: prick**

**king: ass**

**tsukishima: sure jan**

**king: MY NAME IS KAGEYAMA**

**tsukishima: ...**

**king: ...oh it's a meme**

**tsukishima: im leaving**

**king: fuck you too**

“I don’t know how to be a better friend to him.” Kei sighed.

“But you’re literally going on a date in two days.” 

“I don’t want to be just a boyfriend, I want to be…” Kei waved a hand around, trying to express what’s been eating at him.

“Something more? You’re already best friends, what more can you want?” That made him sound selfish.

“No, not like that. I want to _be_ a best friend.” Kei threw his hands in the air in frustration. “I want to be a boyfriend, but also a best friend.”

“You do know you can be both, right?” Akiteru tilted his head, teasing his brother as he started pacing around his room.

“I want to be a better friend to him. He’s done a lot for me, heck, he’s even yelled at me and called _me_ pathetic.”

“Wow.” Akiteru wanted to shake his brother till he lost all his brain cells.

“Exactly. So I want to be there for him.”

“So just be there.” Akiteru stated.

“It’s not that simple.” Kei countered.

“I think you’re just overthinking everything.” That hit a sore spot.

“I’m trying to be considerate.” Kei was beginning to feel like the world was against him, frustrated making the chains around his heart constrict.

“You’re being logical.”

“That’s what I’m like.”

“In volleyball, yes. But outside of it, you’re using too much logic for something emotional.”

“I don’t know how to be emotional.”

“You don’t have to, just let yourself feel.”

“I don’t know how.”

Akiteru rolled his eyes. This conversation has been going around in circles for too long.

“Kei, I’m going to be honest.” He stood up, stopping his brother from pacing even faster. “You need to shut up.” 

“Wh-”

“And listen, not just to me, but to Tadashi.” He grabbed his shoulders and pushed down to sit on the bed. “You know something is up with him, right?”

Kei nodded.

“So you need to be patient with him. Don’t force him to open up, otherwise he’ll run and get defensive.”

Kei said nothing.

“He went as far as to practice with an alumni just to have opportunities to stand on the court with you. So you need to do the same.”

_Suga was right._

“You need to work hard too if you want to stand beside _him_.”

Kei held in his breath. The chains around his heart pulled harder. One cracked as his thoughts revolved around his best friend, remembering as much as possible. The freckles on his cheeks, wrist, shoulders, back, thighs. He’s seen them. He wants to see more of him. He wants to be with him.

_I have to catch up._

“He’s always been ahead of me. He works hard and I feel like I’m being left behind. I think he thinks that he’s alone because I’m not there beside him yet.” He splayed his hands, feeling the soft bed sheets burn his palms as he kept swiping them back and forth. 

_This is so fucking frustrating._

“Yet.” Kei looked up.

“Yet?” Kei asked.

“You still have a lot of time, just be patient. Let it come naturally, but still be there. Tadashi is a sweet kid. He may have a lot going on, but if he knows you’re there for him, he’ll come to you little by little. Then you can be boyfriends.” Akiteru threw jazz hands. He knew Kei hated it.

“Hm.” Kei stretched out his fingers. They were hurting and strained and tired. 

He felt a hand press down his head and shake the ends of his hair. It was getting long, but he didn't mind. He kind of liked it. 

“Stop overthinking little bro. Don’t force anything and just let him know you’re there.” Kei groaned against his touch, pushing away his hand from messing up his hair any more. 

“Okay, I get it. Leave.” 

“Fine fine.” Akiteru reluctantly left, shutting the door behind him. Kei waited for the footsteps to dissipate. It didn’t.

“I know you’re still there.” Kei called out. Akiteru smacked his arm on the wall and scattered.

**3** : Acknowledge **THREE** things you hear.

Kei wonders if music will help Tadashi. Will loud noises cause him to be more anxious? Would his voice make him scared? What kind of tone does he need to use? How will he know he’s doing this right? Is he being weird for doing so much research?

He looked at the clock.

**12:13 am**

He groaned as sleep flurried away from him, he couldn’t grasp the edges of it. It slipped before he could fully grab it. 

He sighed as he took out his laptop from it’s charging stand, pulling up the tab that remained in the background whenever he used it.

_“Speak to the person in short, simple sentences.”_

He scribbled into his notebook. He’s not a talker, Tadashi was. This time, he needed to do the talking. It was an uncomfortable territory he vowed to never step into, except he’d do anything in order to make his best friend be comfortable. He wanted him to be happy, if that didn’t include him… 

He shivered. He shouldn’t be thinking like that. He had to do what’s best for Tadashi. He had to be a better friend. He slammed the laptop shut. It’s tiring. It’s frustrating. It’s pissing him off. 

He could have fought a fucking t-rex with a god damn knife and still trying to be a better friend. 

_Fuck._

He thought he was spending minutes thinking so much. Next thing he knew it was 2 am. 

“Great.” He muttered. He set his laptop aside and left his room, sneaking down the halls and stairs. The bottom of his feet hit the cold tiles of the kitchen floor, immediately jumping back. He stuck a toe on the floor, adapting to the temperature before laying his foot flat against it. He hissed as he added more pressure. 

He turned on the lights, mentally cringing at the _flip_ echoing. There was ice cream, cereal, and hot pockets. Ice cream sounds good. 

Nevermind, it was mint chocolate chip.

Cereal it is. 

He poured the milk first like a savage he is. He didn’t care. He’s not afraid of anyone. Not even you. 

_Wait, what?_

He shook off his weird thoughts, he was physically tired and ached for sleep, but mentally he wasn't able to stop his mind from consuming space he needed to rest. 

He whipped out his phone while scooping a mouthful. There was a guide list for different sites, each one containing a mass amount of information he needed to write down. He’d study whatever he wrote, he wanted to be prepared. He needed something written down, otherwise the information would slip out in a blink of an eye.

It was Friday. He loved Fridays, it meant staying out later than usual. He could take Tadashi out for dinner and ice cream for dessert. Then Tadashi would leave in a hurry. It always ended like that. Tadashi would always be anxious to return home. Kei has seen him in a panic when he realizes how late it was getting. He didn’t mind it at first, but recently they haven’t been able to hang out late at night anymore.

He doesn’t remember the last time they had a full sleepover. Kei would wake up to Tadashi being gone early in the morning, he never saw him leave. It used to bug him whenever Tadashi would just get up and leave without saying anything. That was until he noticed how tired Tadashi would come to school, and recently he’s been lagging behind. Practice and school wasn’t one of Tadashi’s weakest points. He’s always been a hard worker. 

So why now?

Why was Tadashi all of sudden falling apart?

Kei looked back at the times he knew something was off. He couldn’t pinpoint when Tadashi started showing signs of anxiety, but he knew something was _different_. Not in a bad way, just that he had struggles and always shook it off. 

Kei made the mistake by ignoring or thinking Tadashi would come to him eventually. He knew how hard it was to hide something you’re embarrassed or depressed about. It’s never easy. He had finally started talking to Akiteru after years of betrayal. For something to keep Tadashi cornered, it worried Kei.

_Some friend you were._

_No, don't think like that. You can do_ _this._

Sometimes Kei wanted to hold Tadashi tight against him, cuddle him with a blanket and hot chocolate. And sometimes he wanted to choke the shit out of him but with love. 

He snickered as his thoughts became more bizarre. Looking at his bowl, now devoid of late night goodness. He left the spoon in the sink after it slipped out of his clumsy tired hands three times. 

Either the soap was slippery or his motor skills are currently as bad as a baby. He sighed out in frustration, trying to walk up the stairs before colliding with the wall. The alarm rang as he stumbled into bed, just in time when his head hit the pillow.

**5:00 am**

Kei slapped his face. It was going to be a long day. 

_I miss Tadashi._

If he was fully awake, he’d be against sending a message so bright and early. But today, he just really missed his best friend.

**tsukki: don’t forget our date tmr. meet me at the park @ 10 am**

He grumbles, letting the phone fling to the other side of the bed as he gets up.

The phone vibrates not a second too soon and he dives for it. It would have been amiable had his foot not get caught on the floor and he slipped, his stomach kneading the side of his bed.

“Urgh.” He groaned, sliding off the bed and hitting the floor in an ungrateful manner. 

_The MESSAGE._

He gets up quickly and turns on the phone to see the very name he’s been craving.

**yams: ok! i’ll see you tmr.**

He remembered. He isn’t dreaming. It made him seem as if he wasn’t going to see him today but who cares?

Kei didn’t think of what he wanted to do next. He did it because he felt like it was right.

**tsukki: <3**

He felt a blush slowly form on his cheeks

_Oh fuck!_

**yams: <3**

_OH FUCK!_

“OH F-”

“Are you okay?” Kei jumps, dropping the phone on his right foot.

“FUCK!”

“KEI WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!”

Akiteru cracks up as Kei’s mother yells from downstairs and Kei hopping on one leg.

Kei gathered his things, rushing into the shower before his brother took up all the hot water. He desperately needed something to keep him awake. This morning may have started rough, but he got a heart back from Tadashi. 

_Ping!_

He took out his phone to sneak a glance. It was only supposed to be a glance.

His heart stopped.

**yams: if i jump into a black hole, would you come with me?**

He wanted to teleport to his place and hold him tight. He wanted to kiss his cheeks and down his neck. Maybe but most definitely hold his hands and pull him down into a big bed full of soft blankets and pillows.

He was getting ahead of himself, but he really wanted to be the friend Tadashi deserved. He made a promise and damn it all, he’ll do his best to keep it until he dies.

Well, that’s a bit dramatic but he’s extra so who cares?

**tsukki: duh. i’ll be by your side no matter what.**

He closed his eyes.

_Let me be there, Tadashi._

_Please._

* * *

Tadashi watched the water fill the tub. The drain was clogged. He knew it needed to be cleaned properly, it was all the disgusting hair his mother left behind and never bothered to clean up after herself.

_Of course not. It’s my job._

He choked back his tears. He was not going to cry over something so trivial and stupid. Everything he did would revolve back to him being at fault.

_It’s always my fault._

He hated everything about himself today. He squeezed as much as he could from the last remnant of the shampoo bottle, fortunately it was enough. But it was the last and knowing his parents, they’d wait to buy more until they screamed at each other first. 

He let the soap wash off freely, too tired to rinse it himself. It was a weird pleasure seeing water spin down the drain, watching a mini typhoon. Now it was cloudy cold water climbing up the tub. 

There were small cracks on the walls. He hadn’t noticed them before. He’s also never spent so much time in the shower, wishing his body could turn into a puddle of water and seep through small spaces, maybe he’d be flushed by accident and into the ocean. 

_Doubt that's how plumbing works._

He rubs his eyes as a sliver of soapy water touches his eyes. It begins to burn.

“Are you fucking drinking again?”

He stifles a painful moan, he lets the showerhead spray water into his eye.

“Oh, shut the fuck up!”

The water is uncomfortable against his opened eye. It stings and the pressure doesn’t do anything to help against it. He lets himself cry through one eye.

“How many times do I have to tell you to buy groceries?”

“That’s not my job!”

He turns the shower knob, watching the water beneath him wave around his ankles. Just yesterday it was barely covering his toes. 

“You’re supposed to be a fucking wife!”

“And you’re supposed to be my husband!”

_How did it get this bad in one day?_

His mind was drifting away, he couldn't tell what he was thinking about anymore. 

_It's the same either way._

He thinks about the anxiety attack he had. The all too familiar feeling of panic trembling around him. It was a tight hug from fear wrapping around his chest, squeezing all the air out. His lungs were parched. He needed oxygen fast, but his nose and mouth weren’t responding to his demands. 

He caved forward, falling to his knees, water splashing out of the tub. He was getting cold. He closed his eyes, gasping. His hands gripped his thighs, his nails sinking into his pale skin. He saw spurts of red in the water as tears streamed down his face through tightly shut eyes. 

_Breathe._

He struggled as he inhaled, his head was swamped with terrifying thoughts.

**5:** Acknowledge **FIVE** things you see around you.

He opened his eyes, taking in everything. 

1… 5… 10 small cracks along the walls. A partially broken mirror. A half used bar of green soap. A rubber duck on the ledge of the bathtub. A blue body soap bottle, mint scented.

His breathing was stuttering.

**4:** Acknowledge **FOUR** things you can touch around you.

He looked down to his fingers, unclenched his deathly grip on his poor thighs. A thin trail of blood rose and mixed with the water.

_Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it._

The sight of blood was nauseating, even if it was a little bit. 

He moved his hands around, feeling the cold metal of a faucet. He moved it upwards, feeling the two knobs, one for hot water, one for cold water. The one for hot water was hard to twist. 

He moved them towards the left, there was a metal rack of bottles, shaving razors, and a body scrub. It was rough, sandpaper like. 

He took his hands off before grabbing the rubber duck, squeezing every drop of it air until it finally let out a squeak. 

His breathing was slowing down.

**3:** Acknowledge **THREE** things you hear.

The soft pitter patter of water falling from the shower head. The squeaking of a plastic toy. 

_The screaming of my parents._

_Try again._

He could hear the water heater starting back up. 

**2:** Acknowledge TWO things you can smell.

The faint smell of lavender and cigarette smoke. Smoke?

There was banging on the door.

“Hurry up!” His father bellowed from the other side. Tadashi scrambled out of the water, nearly slipping back into the bathtub. His shoulders collided into the tiles and pushed himself forward again. Everything hurts. 

He dried himself and pulled over the uniform as quickly as possible. The banging of the door echoed in his ears. Slight ringing poured from his eardrums, it hurt a bit. 

_Am I going deaf already?_

He felt his heart be pulled in different directions. He was scared. He was scared of his own father.

_Dad, can we play at the park?_

_No._

All he wanted,

_Dad, can we-_

_No._

was his own dad.

He gasped as he opened the door. The door slightly skewed, he shivered as a cold air hit his face. It was like tiny ants marching through his bones.

“Mom?” He called out, stepping out without socks. He shivered as the wooden floor beneath him creaked.

Dead silence. 

He hated it. 

He loved the comfortable silence when he walked with Kei. Or when they ate out for lunch. It's been a long time since they hung out to do anything besides the occasional study session, but even those don't last long. His dad would always let him know his mom is drunk off her ass and struggling putting herself to bed. 

He walked closed to the wall, seeing nothing but a dim light from the kitchen. A scene all too familiar. Fingers were shaking, trying to grasp where he was as he crept closer to the doorway. 

It hasn't been a week and already the same thing has happened. 

He looks closer to the ground, inspecting for any damage his dad did that morning. He bent over to take a peek into the kitchen. 

Nothing. 

He didn't see any figure on the bed and all the doors in the house were closed. No bangs or slams to indicate his parents were in any room. There was a flip phone on the ground, the top half was separated. Wires and keypads sprouted from the edges. 

_It’s light green._

His heart tightened as he remembered the very thing he thought would be safe from his own father’s hands.

_That’s my phone._

He choked on his spit, letting out a repressed cry. Tiny bit of blood squeezed from between his lips, the metal taste bringing him back. Lungs caved and heart raced. 

He ran out without thinking twice.

_Fuck you._

His mother was outside, waiting by the street. 

“Mom!” He skidded across the cement. “Where are you going?”

“Away.” Her voice was void of any emotion.

“You can’t. You need to go back i-”

“And do what, Tadashi? Cook? Clean? Bake you _fucking_ cookies?” She threw her jacket onto the ground. 

“No, but-”

“But nothing! You can’t expect me to stay home and do nothing.” Her fists were shaking.

“You can’t keep doing this.” Tadashi was losing the bravery he had from all his rage.

“I’m an _adult._ ” She hissed.

“You’re my _mom_.” He retorted.

“I didn’t ask to be!” She threw her hands up, angry tears forming at the corners of her eyes. He felt something wet and cold slide down his cheek.

“I don’t have to be there for you. You’re not a little kid!” She picked up her jacket and started walking ahead.

“You were _never_ there in the first place!”

“You _never_ , not once, ever took care of me!”

“You never taught me to do laundry or helped me with my homework!”

“You never even cooked for me when I was sick in bed or when I hurt my ankle!”

“You never comforted me when I was getting beaten up or bullied in school!”

“You never came to graduation!”

“You never were there as my _mom_.”

“I want my mom!”

He didn’t say any of that. He couldn’t. The anger that curled inside him was left flattened on the pavement, his heart in hand, bleeding for the world to point and laugh. Cold tears turned to searing hot trails cascading down his face. 

_Why?_

He watched her figure stop at a curb. She looked weak, tired, hungover. She had a bottle in one hand, taking a large swig as a red car came by and picked her up. 

_Why?_

He didn’t recognize the license plate nor the face through the window. It drove off past him, smoke thrown at his direction. He hacked and coughed, trying to wave off the disgusting stench that bursted through him.

_WHY?_

He let out a strangled cough, trying to walk straight. He was hurt everywhere, his head pounded. Hands were trembling, reaching out for something, _anything_. 

_WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WH-_

“Yamaguchi?” There was Kei, across the street.

_I hate you._

Tadashi gulped, trying to ask what Kei was doing there, but his voice was scratched. He couldn’t speak.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Kei came closer, immediately holding onto him. His hands were on Tadashi’s forearms, keeping him upright. Tadashi couldn’t speak or think clearly. 

_Where is she going? Who was that? Why did she say that? Why is she gone so early?_

“Yamaguchi.” Kei called out, watching Tadashi’s shift from pain to fear. His own mind was panicking.

_I HATE her._

He was already touching Tadashi, but he still needed permission. He only let go for a second before Tadashi pulled his arms forward, crashing his head into Kei’s chest. 

_I HATE HER._

“Tadashi?” His shirt was beginning to soak as Tadashi’s sobs grew louder.

_i miss her._

It was like his own fucking parents abandoned. He was all alone like the moment he was told nobody cared if he died. Everything hurt. It came crashing down, stomping his heart. His heart was like a rose bush, get too close and you’ll prick your fingers. Except for this time, he grabbed it, he yanked the rose out. Blood spilled from his palms.

_don’t i get to have any dreams?_

The floors were black, walls stained a dark brown. He dragged his hands across the room. 

_what’s the point of it all?_

The blood seeped into the structure and white stars spread throughout the room. His blood was his own galaxy mixed with orange and yellows. His body was floating farther away as feelings and memories poured out of his chest. Everything he loved was drifting farther away.

_when is it my turn to lose it all?_

His dad yells.

His mom screams.

More stars are created from the mess he created. It looked like fire. It looked like the sunset he loves so much. 

It was beautiful in his head. Messy in his hands. But the truth was the opposite. 

Sobs tore through Tadashi, as his hands grasped a fistful of Kei’s jacket. Kei had a hand rubbing his back, while the other laid to rest on his hips. 

“Tadashi?” Kei whispered soothingly. He leant down, pulling Tadashi further into him, using his free hand to push Tadashi’s head closer to his neck. Tadashi felt cold, his hands were deathly white as his fists clenched harder, almost desperate to tear the clothing.

Kei felt a small buzz in his pocket. He realized right then, they were late to morning practice. 

“Tadashi.” Kei said a little louder. He only heard a sniffle.

“Look at me.” Tadashi shook his head violently. How could he look at anyone? He wanted to drag his nails across his skin, tearing through layers and he bled on the street. To jump into a pool of freezing water, letting his body go frigid and be dragged to the bottom of the ocean. Become one with _something_. Anything.

Anything that’d give him purpose.

Anything that’d give him a reason to live.

_Stop._

“Tadashi, _please._ ” He kept shaking his head.

“Tadashi.” Kei was pleading, his voice wavered. Tadashi kept refusing.

_Let me go._

“Tadashi!” Kei’s voice cracked.

_I’ll be that someone you need._

He looked into Kei’s eyes. Girls would always compliment Kei, they would say his eyes were like golden orbs or the sun, despite his name having ‘moon’ in it. To Tadashi, they were like mustard. He hates mustard. But he doesn’t hate Kei’s eyes. They weren’t the things he hated, it was something he learned to appreciate the more he came to love Kei.

_They’re like the dimmed out lights in an abandoned home. The only light in the darkest place._

The same light he saw in his house every morning and every night.

“You’re going to be okay.” Kei pressed his forehead down, closing his eyes and took a deep breath. “Follow my breathing.”

Tadashi shut his eyes. His chest hurt and legs were numb, but he liked the closeness. The warmth the blonde was giving off. He felt it move up and down, following the best he could. 

It was well past 8 am, the sun was already fully out. The sun, no longer shy of any clouds and the early pale morning sky, it sent its rays onto Kei’s back, engulfing him in warm sunlight. His phone went off a few times, and a few buzzes followed after. He stood with Tadashi, letting him catch his breath. They were still close together, Tadashi resting his head into Kei’s neck, his arms around his waist. 

“Kei?” Kei’s heart fluttered.

“Hm?” He couldn’t even say a word. Tadashi hardly _ever_ called him by his given name. It was spoken so gently and full of bliss. It was divine being singing a forbidden song. He craved it.

“Thanks.” Tadashi muttered into his neck, slight vibrations ran throughout their chests. “And so-”

“Don’t.” Kei pulled back slightly, looking into Tadashi’s puffy eyes. “Let me be there.” 

Tadashi leaned forward, pressing a light kiss to his cheek.

Kei’s world stopped.

“Tsukki?”

“I. Uh. Um. I.” He couldn’t form a sentence, the tingling sensation still on his cheek. 

“Oh… OH! I’m so sorry!” Tadashi wanted to pull away and run back home, but Kei kept his grip.

“No!”

“Huh?”

“I… I liked it.” 

“Oh.” Tadashi started giggling, letting his head fall back into Kei’s chest. He knew then and there, it’s his new favorite place. 

“Uh. Well, we’re already late for school.”

“Yeah.”

“Want to get ice cream?”

“You want to ditch school?”

“Duh.”

They let themselves laugh, they were spent. Emotionally drained. They pulled away but continued to look at each other’s eyes, letting them be consumed 

“Tsukki! You’re being a delinquent.” Tadashi smirked.

“Says you.” Kei sighed out, happily letting out a small smile. It was the smile he only liked to show Tadashi in private. He offered his arm to him.

“Shall we?” Kei waited.

“We shall.” Tadashi took his arm, squeezing him for a few seconds and smiled back.

_I’m so fucking whipped._

“Hey Kei?” Kei turned to his side. Tadashi looked at him, no life in his eyes.

“Did you mean it when you said you’d let me borrow your wings?”

Kei held in his breath and blurted out. “We’ll fly together.” 

Kei likes his eyes.

They were a soft brown.

With a glimmer of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bare with me. the romance is slowly building. but also day to day life with abusive parents and depression and anxiety is a struggle and i really wanted to make it as realistic as possible.


	6. together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's always better when you're by my side  
> There's no one else I'd rather be beside  
> You couldn't stop us even if you tried

**Physical Parentification** : Taking care of siblings or other relatives because a parent is unable to. Assuming housekeeping duties, such as cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping. Paying bills and attending to other household tasks. Serving as a translator in families where the parent does not speak the primary language of their resident country.

* * *

Kei could die. Well, not physically, but his mind was zooming over millions of thoughts. The words cute, close, and ohmygodhe’stouchingme filled in his head repeatedly. He tried to keep down his blush in check, but his ears gave it away. They were bright red in the corners, burning so bad he thought they’d fall off. 

_Keep it together._

Tadashi is clinging onto his arms, following beside him. They don’t need to ask where they’re going, they just want to be together. They can be deserted on an island but as long as they have each other, nothing matters.

“What are we doing? Our date is tomorrow.” Tadashi let his head rest against Kei’s arm, squeezing it lightly. Kei could definitely die right there.

“Well, we’ll go to my place and change. That way we don’t attract attention with our uniforms.”

“I didn’t bring any clothes.”

“Borrow mines.”

“They’re big.” Tadashi scrunched his face, thinking about the last time he borrowed clothes, his knees kept getting caught in the shirt whenever he sat up.

“We can tie it on the back.” 

“Hm?”

“I’ll show you.” Kei took his wrist and started running up the street. A wild cat walking on a fence looked down at them as they passed by. Tadashi waved at it. They laughed together, running past a few neighbors with umbrellas. Kei felt the pulse on his wrist, watching his sleeve ride up. Light freckles scattered across it. His lips craved to touch it. 

They reached the gates to Kei’s home too soon for his liking. He lifted his wrist up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss. His lips lingered on Tadashi’s skin, pressing smaller kisses until he reached the sleeve halfway down his forearm. When he opened his eyes, he saw beautiful bright brown glassy orbs staring at him. Tadashi’s cheeks were stained a dark red.

Kei smiled and took his hand, leading him inside.

“You’re mushy and gross.” Tadashi laughed out.

“And you’re unromantic and cute.” Kei rebutted. 

He dragged him upstairs until they reached the room. Small dinosaur figures on shelves hung across the walls. His desk was neat, laptop charging and papers were filed in a small cabinet underneath the desk. His chair was clear of any loose strings and lint. Kei let go as Tadashi laid on the bed.

The soft mattress swallowed him, his back and neck loosened as he drifted further away from the ache he’s been keeping in. His heart closed its wounds and warmed itself in his chest.

Tadashi let out a sigh, letting his body cave.

“You okay?”

“It’s been too long since I laid down on a mattress.” He curled himself in and pulled Kei’s pillow into his chest, cuddling it. It smelled like cinnamon.

“Yamaguchi?”

“Hm?”

“You’re cute.” Tadashi sat up, eyes wide. 

“Wh-”

“Here wear this.” Kei pulled out a striped shirt and blue shorts. “I have a belt if you need it but your hips are wide.” Tadashi blushed as the clothes were pushed harshly into his chest.

“How do you know?” He sneered. 

“We change in the same club room, duh.” Kei shrugged. His mind stopped working minutes ago. "Now get changed before I do it for you."

“Tsukki!” Tadashi jumped up. 

“I literally saw you naked not so long ago!” Tsukki called out, snickering as Tadashi swirled around and punched him in the gut.

“Pervert!” Tadashi ran out with the clothes and left Kei laughing hard, clutching his stomach. He has no filter around Tadashi, it was like coming home to your family.

_He is family._

He swallowed the saliva pooling in his mouth. The mere thought of coming home to Tadashi made him nervous. Of course he’s head over heels over him, but to think that he wants to be together even in the future is somewhat scary. They still had two years left for high school, then college, then who knows? Jobs. Not to mention you can’t have gay marriages in Japan. Yet. He always hoped things would change by the time they were older. 

_Damn it, Kei. You’re not even dating and you’re thinking about marriage._

They may as well be dating. Kei doesn't just kiss someone's wrists because their freckles were cute. He brushed his lips with two fingers. He kissed his wrists again. It was becoming his favorite thing to do when it came to comforting or embarrassing him.

He looks around for a rubber band before anymore thoughts distracted him, he knew the shirt would be too long anyways. A picture stood on a shelf next to his dinosaur figures. There were two boys, sand underneath them as they looked up smiling towards the camera. They were 10. Tadashi was wearing Kei’s glasses but his eyes were closed. Smiles were wide and the sun highlighted their face. Kei had red cheeks either from the sun or something had happened prior to the event. 

A small gust of wind blows through his window, the hair on his neck rises in reaction. 

Tadashi and Kei were at the beach. The ocean water made their hair dry and gross, sticking out in random places. Tadashi had more freckles from being out in the sun so much. 

_Kei-kun!_

He smiled, softly tracing their faces.

_You’re cute._

Tadashi really was cute, but that day in particular was something else. Dad’s friend was a surfer and invited his family to the beach for a "surf out". Kei was irritated that day, he didn’t want to go and meddle with other annoying kids. His mom lectured how rude it was to put headphones on during a social event. 

He thought he’d have Akiteru with him, at least, that was before he said he was too busy with volleyball. He was devastated.

_Why don’t you invite Tadashi?_

Their father thought they were talking about some imaginary friend Kei made up, which worried his mother even more. She was going to schedule an appointment with a psychologist until Kei called Tadashi on the landline.

Seeing a small boy with freckles splattered across his pale skin, his parents instantly fell in love with him. He came over, sometimes sleep over on fridays till sunday, they would always have fries in the freezer. They still do actually. Even though he hasn’t been over in a long time, Kei would still make sure they’re still there, or he’d make them himself and give it to Tadashi for lunch. They have picnics sometimes and Kei would make sure fries were always on the menu.

He smiled, looking into Tadashi’s eyes in the picture. Kei’s face looked surprised.

_I was surprised. He kissed my cheek to steal my glasses._

He always assumed the way he felt towards the freckled was how close they'd grown over the few weeks they talked. Tadashi would talk just about anything, sometimes asking random questions even Kei had no answer to. Kei would laugh with Tadashi on the strangest things. He was able to _feel_ like a kid. 

Tadashi always wanted a friend, having Kei by his side made him feel loved and important. For the first few days it was a bit awkward, asking questions to get to know one another. They talked about interests and eventually, Kei’s brother came up. Tadashi developed an adoration for the taller blonde, not even meeting him until Kei asked Tadashi in person if he wanted to meet him. 

Seeing the intimidating and mean blonde go to the sweetest and quietest kid, it was a bit strange. They were a strange duo, even Tadashi admits it. But nothing stopped them from developing a deep and personal bond. 

Before they knew, they became best friends. They were practically soulmates according to Kei’s mom. 

_Kei-kun, let’s walk!_

During the social event, Kei was beginning to get irritated with all the commotion other kids were making. Tadashi on the other hand, he was so sweet and gentle. He was getting anxious from being in a big crowd. The poor child is terrible with large groups. 

He asked Tadashi once. He said it was like heavy clouds squishing you, squeezing the air out of you. He weighed him down, feeling almost claustrophobic. That’s when he knew Tadashi had slight social anxiety. Even during games, he gets like this. He’s been improving a lot, something about Shimada helping him find a ‘reset’ point. 

Tadashi’s been struggling applying aside from volleyball. There’s no reset point in a home that’s falling apart. But Kei doesn’t know any of that.

They walked along the water, watching the sun dip into the ocean. Tadashi talked about the stars. He remembers it like it was yesterday.

_Do you like the stars, Tsukki?_

_Yeah._

_Me too. They remind me of you._

_Me?_

_You’re pretty just like them. And quiet and kind._

_Stars can’t be kind._

_But you are._

_I’m mean._

_No, you’re Kei._

_What?_

_You’re Kei and I love the way you are._

Love. He said love. 

_Then I love the way you are too._

He loves him.

Ignoring the fact that Tadashi literally kissed a few hours before, Kei knew at the time, Tadashi would do anything for him.

“Tsukki! Can you bring me a towel?” Tadashi called out into the hallway. Kei put the picture back, his right cheek tickled. It was the same cheek he’s been kissed twice.

“Coming!” Kei called out, searching frantically for one while his mind raced on. 

_No matter what, I’ll always be by your side._

Tadashi said that to him when they were 10 in the summer before they started middle school. He laughed it off thinking Tadashi would one day find better friends. He was wrong. He stayed beside him, even through the incident he had with his brother. Tadashi was there for him and no one else.

_I want to be by your side too._

Kei let his thoughts fester. They were like pieces of wood being attached by a strong rope, forming a bridge. He doesn’t know where it’ll lead, but he knows he’ll walk across it. He doesn’t care for the monsters underneath, the ones that hide until you’re halfway across and grab you. He doesn’t care if there are sea monsters waiting for food. Nothing else matters to him. He _will_ cross the bridge.

“Here.” He knocks on the door, waiting for it open. Tadashi shuffles behind the door, trying to find something to cover his lower body.

“Don’t come in.” He calls out when Kei keeps knocking. He sighs. “I give up. Don’t look.” He opens the door wide enough for Kei’s arm to poke through. The towel was light green. 

_That’s right._

“My phone broke this morning.” He dries himself, patting his arms and legs.

“What?” Kei’s voice is muffled.

“Uh. It broke?”

“Are you asking me or are you telling me?”

“I’m telling.”

“You don’t sound so sure.” Kei’s head fell against the wall. He leaned beside the door, listening intently to the muted ruffles of clothes being put on.

“It’s a story.” _It really isn’t._

“Tell me.” Tadashi opened the door, stepping into the small ray of light peering through the curtains.

The angle hit his cheeks with a soft yellow glow, running down to create a shadow on his neck. There were freckles on his collarbones Kei never noticed.

“It’s a bit big.” Tadashi holds the ends of the shirt up and lets it drop with a slight wave.

“Here.” Kei flexes a hair band between his fingers and walks around him, tying the back of his shirt to be held up by his waist.

“Thanks, Tsukki!” Tadashi spins, testing the durability of the band. It passes. Kei still didn’t seem satisfied.

“Here, let me roll the shorts up.” He bends down, rolling them up to the middle of his thighs. There were red crescent marks. His hands lift off the clothing, hardly breathing.

“So, where were we?” He tries to walk back to the room, completely forgetting his thighs were showing. He didn’t make it past Kei.

“Tadashi.” 

“Huh?”

“What happened to your thighs?” Tadashi looked down to the angry marks splayed around his upper thighs.

_Oh yeah._

“Nothing.” He doesn’t want to face him. He wants to hide in a cave and never come out.

“Tadashi.” Kei leans back into the wall, the sun hits his glasses. The sunray causes a glare to reflect onto the ceiling.

“Kei.” Tadashi lets their eyes meet. There was a small hint of care.

“Please. Don’t hide from me.” 

“I’m no-”

“You can’t tell me you’re not.” Tadashi felt like his words physically punched his lungs. His breathing stuttered, words scattering around in his mind. It was too much. There weren't enough words in his state of shock to form a sentence. 

“It’s nothing.” He finally lets out.

“It’s _not_ nothing. Those look fresh.” Kei points a finger to his thighs. Tadashi doesn’t look at them. He couldn’t. The image of blood in the water flashed before him, making him sick again.

“So what?” _Why does everyone have to fucking care?_

“What do you mean _so what_ ?” _He’s using that tone. I hate that tone._

“Don’t talk to me like that.” Tadashi bites back.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m pathetic.” He’s tired of it.

“I’m not talking down to you. I just want to help.” Kei tries to soften his tone, he knows it was a bit too harsh. The whole thing was infuriating. He wants to help so badly, but he’s not the person everyone confides to. He’s the last person you want to go to and spill your whole life story. 

He’s that one person that says ‘okay’ after everything, not just because he doesn’t care for anyone, just that he didn’t really know how to comfort people he barely knew. If it was someone on the team, he’d try to be logical and reasonable. 

Akiteru told him to stop being logical with Tadashi. He’s not someone on the team and he’s not someone he goes to school with. He’s his best friend.

“You don’t need to.” Tadashi can’t read his mind. He wants Kei to leave, to tear him apart and leave his pieces for the crows to scavenge around. He wants to be eaten alive. _Leave._

“You’re hiding from me, Tadashi.” _I know I am._

“No, I’m not.” _Please, leave._

“Yes, you are. You keep pushing me away whenever I try to help you.” _So leave._

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“Why do you care?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Kei pushes a foot against the wall. He doesn't like fighting with him. Pushing someone to open up can lead to severe consequences. Kei knew what would happen if he kept poking, not giving him space. But he was hurt. They both were. 

Kei wants to be let in. Tadashi thinks he's alone. 

“I’m not arguing over something stupid, Kei. Leave it alone.” He spits out, sharply turns to leave. He wants to go back home. 

_This was a mistake._

“Please stop pushing me away. Let me be there.”

“I said _I’m not_!” Tadashi bites his tongue. He wants to scream, pull out his hair, and catch himself on fire all at the same time.

_I’m the mistake._

“You are!” Kei accidentally yells out. He bites his cheek, mentally cursing at himself.

Tadashi presses harder, his tongue quavering in pain. He tries to move his mouth but his teeth feel glued against the organ in between them. His hands clench and unclench themselves, the hall felt longer. He’s been to his house countless times, so why does it feel so unfamiliar?

_I'm the mistake._

“I’m sorry.” Kei says softer this time. He takes a step towards him, waiting for a reaction. 

Tadashi can’t see him. He can barely feel the pain in his mouth. The entire house feels alive, as if the floors were going to open up and pull him in. The walls seemed like they were breathing, everything around him was something to be feared. Doors. Closed doors.

He hears slams and crashes in his ears, taking him back to being in his bed at 2 am. His parents were in another long argument leading into the night. Kei’s house was quiet, too quiet. Silence haunts him.

Kei waits, trying to look into Tadashi’s eyes. They seemed off, foggy almost. He gets no reaction and decides to take two more steps.

Still nothing.

“Tadashi.” Kei tests his name as he walks up to him. They’re an arm’s length away from each other. Kei learns his arms are longer than Tadashi’s. Normally, if Tadashi was a lot shorter, it would be awkward holding hands, but he likes it this way. He can bend their arms at a 90 degree angle and hold them together as they walk along the beach. Or somewhere. The beach is optional.

_Do something. Fuck!_

He lifts a hand towards Tadashi, hoping a million times in his head that he’d take it. And he does, without asking any questions or giving him questioning looks. He let his hand brush over it first, almost hesitating. _It’s like he doesn’t know I exist._

Tadashi sniffles. His hand first brushing over Kei’s palm. _Together._ It tickled against his skin. _It’s Kei._ The house settles down, the noises that overflood his senses cease as he firmly grips Kei’s hand. He squeezes it to confirm, he’s really there. He’s not at home, hiding under blankets, bathing in the shadows, or sharing the floor with his mother while she snores lightly after a night of drinking. 

He’s not home. He’s safe.

“Tada-” Tadashi lets go and jumps straight into his chest. Kei quickly links his arms around him, pulling him in tighter. He recalls the last time Tadashi went and hastily grabbed him to shake him to his senses, this time was different. He can feel Tadashi’s heart vibrate through his body, it was pounding mercilessly.

“It’s okay Tadashi. I’m here.” He breathes in the strawberry scented body shampoo radiating off of him. His hair smells like lavender. It was a strange combination, but it smelled delicious. Delicious and relaxing.

"I'm a mistake." Tadashi quavered. He was slowly crumbling apart. The castle's walls were coming undone, but the door remained shut. 

"You're not."

"I am. Even mom thinks so." The cracks on the chains linked to Kei's heart deepens. It spreads to every angle around it until it falls into a dark void. Kei felt like someone stabbed him in the heart, the piercing pain stayed there. 

"I don't think you are." He thinks of a field of flowers, royal purples and deep blues mix and mingle as the wind dances around them. There's a light yellow plaid blanket and a cute woven basket full of delicious treats. Strawberry shortcakes and blueberry pie, their favorites. 

"I think you're the best thing that's ever happened." He says, watching his best friend lie down next to him. They'll point out the weird shaped clouds, laughing at ones that look like Hinata or Tanaka. None of it makes sense to them yet they'll find a way to be happy. They'll be themselves. 

Tadashi doesn't have the same vision. Through all the smiling and lies, inside he crumbles. His abandoned castle was his only home. The secrets he's kept behind locked doors were pried open. They slipped through the cracks, flowing out like the coffee his mother spilled on the table. The _drips_ echoes off the walls as it falls down every step. 

Finally, it reaches the front door and under the tiny gap from the ground. There stands a small drop of something he's kept hidden for years. 

His secrets were making its way out. 

_It's time, isn't it?_

“My dad…” Tadashi grasped the fabric on Kei’s back, scrunching it up even more than before. “He threw it.”

“Wh-”

“He always _throws_ things. One day it’s a beer bottle, the other a cup. Today was _my phone_.” He's heaving, air being rushed in and out of his body. The sob he kept in was choking him, nearly spilling through his eyes and throat. His mouth tasted like pennies. 

_Control._

Everything he did to keep himself intact was for nothing. No, not nothing, for something. The day he was two years old, seeing his father less and less until he stopped showing up. He came home after a few days, and that night, he threw Tadashi’s favorite mug. It was a gift a teacher gave him for his birthday. That teacher was his first ‘friend’ and never receiving anything from anyone, he treasured it. It was a pretty cup, having intricate designs around them, almost like a fantasy cup that’s filled with an ancient tonic. 

His father was circling around the table, kicking at the legs until one finally snapped and tumbled to the ground. His mother was screeching, almost like a wild animal being cornered against its will. He looked like he wanted to hurt, so he turned around and grabbed the only thing that laid in the sink. Tadashi always does the dishes now, even if it’s just a small spoon, he makes sure to never leave anything behind.

He stopped buying new cups and plates after his dad would grab just about anything that can break. When Kei’s mom got him a frog shaped mug, he made sure to keep it on his desk instead. If he were to use it, he’d make sure to wash and put it in his room, locked away from the demons that await for destruction.

_No more please._

“Tadashi…” Kei cupped Tadashi’s face to look up at him. “Everything will be okay. I’m here. I have a spare phone from middle school. I’ll ask mom to activate it when she gets back.” Tadashi’s eyes widened.

“I don’t want to be an inconvenience.” He tries to shake his head, but Kei has a firm grip.

“It’s not at all. You know my family loves you. So let me help.” 

“But I don’t have enough to pay for the bill.”

Has anyone ever told you how much Tadashi _hates_ money? Did he tell you the time when his grandmother gave him 20$ to buy groceries for him to buy snacks and his dad took it to buy cigarettes that didn’t even last for the whole week?

He _hates_ money. It was stupid. It did nothing but make everyone at home greedy. It made them backstab each other for their own selfish needs. He had thought about asking Shimada for a part time job, but he knew he still needed to ask the school for permission. His parents couldn’t give a single shit about what he did, as long as he did what he was told. 

_Why didn’t you wash the dishes?_

_Why didn’t you take out the trash?_

_You have to stay home to take care of your mother._

Are you fucking kidding me? Take care of his mother? He’s 16 years old, training his goddamn best to have a place in nationals, and not fall behind in class for being in a college prep class. And above all, he has to take care of his mother. The money he had was from errands he helped Shimada with. Some were from his aunt but she stopped contacting them when they never showed up to her wedding. 

_I’m so fucking broke._

“I’ll pay for it.”

“What?!” Tadashi tried to step back, his head was stopped from moving further away. Kei kept him in place, forcing them to look at each other.

“I’m doing this because I want to. Not because I have to.”

“But you don’t need to.”

“I’m keeping my promise.”

_Let him be there._

“But it’s your money.”

“Exactly, and that’s what I want to do with it.”

“But you really like music.”

“I don’t spend my money anywhere else besides an album from my favorite artists. It’s not a big deal Tadashi, please, let me do this for you.” Kei uses his thumb to rub circles on his cheeks. 

“Okay.” Tadashi feels Kei’s hand move towards the back of his head, gently cradling him into his chest. Hands were sliding around their warm bodies, gently caressing and rubbing circles. It seemed like Tadashi was comforting Kei, and in a way, he sort of was.

It wasn’t new for Kei to hold himself back, he’s not easily the physical comforting type. He’s learned over the years he didn’t like touching people. It was gross, icky, sometimes too hot for it. In the cold, it stung. It was like a thousand bees sticking their needles in your skin. He hated every bit of it.

Tadashi however, felt different. It was the warmth that touched your toes when you light through the curtains. 

Kei sighed. He could stay like this forever.

“Um.” Tadashi shifts a little.

“Hm?” Kei hummed, pressing his cheek to the side of Tadashi’s head.

“You should change too!” Tadashi pulls back to put a hand to Kei’s cheek. “Uh. If you want to.” He says meekly. His cheeks were blossoming a light pink color. Kei chuckled and hugged him tightly.

“Okay. Are you going to watch or?” Tadashi squeaks and pushes him back.

“I’ll wait!” He calls out while running down the stairs. 

Kei laughs. “I won’t take long!” He calls out. “I promise to catch up.” He whispers to himself.

Kei manages to find something comfortable to wear. He feels tired and lazy, it’s his fault for pulling an all-nighter. The information he consumed like it was a strawberry smoothie he quaffs after a hard day was all worth it. If he wanted to do something right, he needed to get all the resources he could.

_Thank god the internet has so much shit on mental health._

He forbids to ask his brother for any specifics, knowing he’ll fully tease him about it later. He could barely get through his brother giving him dating advice earlier in the morning. Kei picked it up and threw it out the window in his mind, he was going to do this Kei style, aka be awkwardly flirtatious and embarrass himself to the point he wished he didn’t exist.

“Ready?” He grabs his phone, keys, and wallet, stuffing them into his fitted jeans.

“You’re wearing that hoodie?” Tadashi snorts. 

“What? I like it.” Kei stretched his arms out, the pastel tri-colored hoodie, purple in the middle, left sleeve was yellow, and the right was blue. The front pocket was sea green. Tadashi really likes that color.

“I forgot about it.” 

“You gave it to me.”

“I liked it!”

“And I like it too! Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“We’ll walk around the mall, get some lunch, and walk around the park. Then we can sleep till tomorrow when we get back.”

“I’m sleeping over?” Kei didn’t think that far. Their date was tomorrow. Would this count as a date too?

“Yeah.” It’s a date too.

“Oh. I don’t think I can.” Tadashi lightly kicked the back of his heel., his hands wringing behind his back.

“Why not?” Kei didn’t mention he saw his mother yell at him. He wanted to wait till Tadashi was able to be open about it first.

“I promised mom I’d make dinner tonight.”

_That’s a lie._

“I see.” Kei wanted to admit, what he saw was anything but a promise. “You know, you can tell me anything, right?” He was waiting by the door, his head knocking back and forth from the wall he leaned on. Tadashi stood awkwardly between the kitchen and living room. He didn’t have the courage to move.

“I know.”

“I saw.” _I’ll have to be honest if I want him to be honest with me._

“Saw what?” Tadashi’s ears felt hot.

“Your mom.” Kei stands up straight, slowly walking towards Tadashi. “I heard what you both said.” He reached to him, a hand brushing against Tadashi’s arm.

“Oh.”

“Sleep over.” Kei let his hand wrap around Tadashi’s wrist, feeling the small pulse under his thumb. “Please?”

“Ok."

“What about my legs?” They looked down, his shorts were still folded up, showing some of his marks. Kei bent down, rolling them a bit lower so it covered them. He looked like a teenage adventurer. It was rather cute.

“Better?” Tadashi nods.

“This can be a date too.”

“We have two dates in a row?” Tadashi let himself be pulled to the door, smirking along the way.

“You bet your ass.”

“Oh god, please don’t. You already saw me naked once.”

“Yamaguchi, we change together almost everyday.”

“There’s a difference!”

* * *

“I can totally rock this.” Tadashi holds a pink hawaiian shirt up to his chin.

“Pffft. If anything I can rock it.” Kei takes it and flauntly holds it to his chest to prove a point.

“Wh-” Tadashi takes the shirt and puts it on the rack. “Rude!”

“Who are you, Oikawa?” They laugh, walking through the aisles. A set of strawberry earrings catch Tadashi’s eyes.

“How about these?” He pinches the corner of the small cardboard, the earrings dangling in the air as he hovers it over his right earlobe. 

Kei blushes.

_Oh god, that actually looks good._

“I. Uh. Yeah. I think.” His voice cracks on the last word. He winces at himself.

_Dang it._

“I kind of want to get my ears pierced.” Tadashi looks at the red glossy metal material, his index finger finding the needle, pushing it into his skin.

“Hey, don’t do that.” Kei pulls the earrings out. “If you want we can find someone to do it. Or go to a tattoo parlor.”

“Why there? Are we punkifying me?” 

“What? No! Maybe. I don’t know, but I heard they’re more trustworthy than some shops at the mall.” 

“Why do you know so much?”

Kei shrugs. “I read a lot of stuff on the internet.” 

“Like the time you wanted to form a metal band named after a dinosaur?”

“Sauroposeidon is a badass name and you know it.” 

“It’s terrible.”

“It literally means lizard earthquake god.”

“I think I prefer Sauroposeidon than that.”

“I think Lizard Earthquake God is better.”

“You’re silly.”

“Only around you, Tadashi.” Kei places the earrings on the register counter.

“Huh, Tsukki?”

“Shut up.” He pulls out his wallet, paying for the earrings over Tadashi’s whining.

“I could have paid for myself.” He grumbles, holding a small white plastic bag. He opens it, adoring the glossy red metal, light catches on it, shimmering as it moves. It looks absolutely adorable and he loves it.

“I looked through your wallet already.”

“Wh-” He snaps his head up.

“You barely have enough for food.” Tadashi pulls out his wallet, sure enough there wasn’t much. _Thanks Dad._

“Don’t worry.” Kei taps his own wallet, the sound of it being full and heavy. “I’m prepared.”

“You’re such a gentleman.” 

“Only for you.” Tadashi blushes and coughs to cover up his embarrassment. Kei offers his arm and takes it. The hoodie was soft to touch, he pulled and grabbed at it slightly. It was a really nice hoodie.

They walked around the mall, eyeing different stores. Kei learns Tadashi likes all sorts of styles, and quite frankly, he has to agree it suits him. There’s nothing Tadashi can’t pull off aside from the ugly dad shirt he pulled out earlier.

“How about these?” Tadashi holds a crop top. “I feel like my freckles on my stomach will show.” He frowns a little.

“You have freckles there?” Kei’s head perks up from the wall behind him, he was sitting on the chair, waiting for his friend to choose something to try on.

“I thought you’ve seen me change, Tsukki.” 

“I don’t look that low.” He looks away, ears flushing at the tips.

“Uh huh.” Tadashi puts the shirt back, eyeing down the rack. He spots a black hoodie. “What’s this?” He talks to himself when he goes to the stores, he likes talking to himself a lot. It gives him a sense of tranquility and makes things less lonely.

“That looks cool.” Kei watches Tadashi trace over the image on the hoodie. It was one of Junji Ito’s manga panels on the front. “He has a lot of cool stuff.”

“Yeah.” Tadashi opens the hoodie from the top, searching for the price tag. 2,684.75 Yen. “Oh my god.” He gasps.

“How much is it?”

“Nope.” Tadashi returns it to the rack. “Over my dead body.”

Kei walks over. “How much?” He tries to recall where Tadashi put the hoodie back, but he’s smart and put it where other black hoodies were. “You brat.”

“Hmph.” Tadashi huffs, looking away. “Let’s go!” He tries to pull Kei’s arm but Kei is pulling different clothing, trying to find it.

“Tsukki!” He hisses, pulling his arm harder.

“Aha!” Kei lifts the hoodie up, pulling the tag out. “Oh.”

“Exactly, now let’s go.”

“Hold on.” Kei’s eyes search for an employee, once he spots one, he stalks off to them. Tadashi is left waiting, kicking his toes on the ground until Kei returns.

“Wait for me by the front.” Kei goes off again, saying nothing else. Tadashi only shrugs and waits on a bench by a fake plant. He doesn’t understand why fake plants are a thing. They’re just plastic and dirt. A real plant gives so much more life to places. 

He misses the garden. His grandmother lived by the mountains, she had a beautiful plot of land. There were rows and rows of vegetables. He hated tomatoes but she made it delicious for him. Even after her passing, he’d gone to her home to see if everything she had was still there. It wasn’t. All the plants were dead and decaying. He couldn’t muster anything, his parents didn’t care for her. Only he did.

Tadashi sighs, his leg bounces in his seat. Kei was taking too long. He looks around, hoping to find his friend just waiting somewhere or maybe he was in another store? That made no sense, he just wanted to move, to get out, to hide in the bathroom stall. No, this was a date, and he needed to go and enjoy himself.

“ _Stop that!_ ” A familiar voice hisses behind him. His throat feels a little tight. He can’t remember when it started feeling that way. It clenched as he tried to call out for Kei. He reached into shorts' pockets. No phone.

_No, not again. Please no._

His breath quickened the longer they walked. His hands clutched his arms.

“No, he’s not mine.” Tadashi glances behind him. Through all the fake plants, there’s a couple on the other side. 

“He looks a bit like you.”

“He’s my brother’s.”

“What? Did your wife cheat on you?”

“That _bitch_ fucked my brother on our wedding day.”

Tadashi couldn’t breathe. His heart was in his hands being shredded to tiny pieces.

_Not_

“I can’t stand to look at him”

_his_

“He’s like him and I hate it."

_dad._

“Tadashi?” The couple behind the plants turn around. Kei watches his friend, the color of his face drain. 

_He hates going out in public crowded places, but there’s not a lot of people around._

Kei bends his knees, the big black plastic bag hitting the ground. He looks at Tadashi a little below eye level. “What’s wrong?” He brings his voice down as low as possible. He knew Tadashi was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

“Not his…” 

“What?” Tadashi is trembling, his hands scratch at his thighs, rolling them up as he tries to scar himself. “Hey stop that.” Kei takes his hands to help him stand up.

“Dad…”

“What about your dad?” Tadashi grabs his arm, clinging like it’s the last thing he’ll see. Was it Kei’s fault? Did he push him too much? Was being gone taking a toll? How long was he taking? Was it his fault? It was probably his fault.

Kei shook his thoughts away. Now wasn’t the time to blame himself. He walked to the nearest bathroom. There wasn’t anyone in there, luck was on his side for now. He led Tadashi to the farthest stall.

Tadashi was already a crumbling mess, he sniffled and choked on his own spit, trying to keep things together. His hands were shaking against Kei’s arm, his head was cloudy and fuzzy. 

It was like a rubber band tightening around his head. He still clung onto Kei, his eyes blurred as he tried to differentiate what the colors belong to. 

“I’m going to touch you, okay?” Tadashi nodded quickly.

_Please._

Kei took his hands in his, leading them to his chest. His heartbeat was a bit fast for his liking, I mean who wouldn’t when you’re holding your crush’s hands. 

“Follow my breathing.”

“Inhale.

1…

2… 

3… 

Exhale.

1… 

2… 

3…”

They repeated this until Tadashi’s breathing slowed down to match his. Tadashi sniffled, letting their hands go.

“I’m okay.” Kei didn’t say anything. The door opened to a man with crinkled slacks and white button up. He had a scraggly beard and stunk like cigarettes. Tadashi’s stomach flipped around, twisting his insides and squeezing the life out of them.

“Tadashi?” He whipped his head to see his father, lipstick stains around the collar of his shirt and belt slightly pulled out of position. 

“Dad?” 

“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in school?”

“I-”

“I got sick and was told to go home but I was too tired to walk by myself. I apologize for bringing him along.” Kei interrupted.

“Why are you here?” His father seemed to ignore Kei. It hurt him. It angered him. 

“My parents have a client over at the house so we were told to hang around here for awhile.” Kei was bullshitting and he knew it. He doesn’t care a single bit. 

_Leave us alone._

“Go home. Now.” 

“But-”

“ _Now._ ” He used his yelling voice. The exact voice he talks to his mother at 3 am. He felt his back sweaty and cold, shivers ran down through his spine. He was feeling caged, held hostage against his will. 

_He’s not mine._

“What do you mean by ‘not yours’?” Tadashi takes a step forward.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” His father snaps, making Tadashi retreat two steps back. “Go _home._ ” He demands. Anger drips from the edges of his words. They were sharp and deep, hurting Tadashi at every vowel.

“He’s sleeping over at mines.” Kei steps in front of Tadashi, his back nearly knocks his forehead. He wants to lean in and hold him from the back, like a koala.

“What?” His dad opens his mouth, ready to yell out again.

“I’m going to be away on weekends.” Tadashi finally breathes out.

“You didn’t ask.” His father said gravely, a dangerous tone.

“Mom said-”

“Your mother is a joke.”

“Don’t talk about her like that!” Kei tensed up, caning his head to see Tadashi’s face flush an angry red. “You’re her husband.” 

“I don’t need you to tell me that.”

“But-”

“ _Shut up_.” Kei’s head felt full. Cotton was stuffing into his head. 

“Go home, Tadash-”

“He’s not going home.” Kei glared at the older man. Tadashi whimpered behind him, pulling the ends of his hoodie. 

“Tsukki, don’t.” His voice was small and frail.

“Who the fuck-”

“He’s coming with me and if you have a problem I’ll call the police.” Kei threatened. Both men were shocked at the sudden risk of getting caught. Tadashi wanted nothing to do with his family when Kei was with him. He vowed to never bring him into his personal problems.

“From the looks of it, I can tell you’re not here with his mom. She took off early in the morning, going _away_ from the mall.” Kei took a menacing step forward. “I know something is up. Leave him alone.”

“Tsk.” His father took a sharp turn and stormed out the bathroom. “If I see you again, you’re going to pay for it.” He threatens. Neither one knows who it was meant for. The two boys deeply exhaled, both clutching their knees once the door shuts.

“Kei, I’m so so-”

“Don’t you dare, Tadashi.” Kei stood up and harshly took his shoulders into his hands. His palm digging into it. “I’m going to be there for you and protect you when you need me to. So don’t do this alone anymore, okay?”

Tadashi’s eyes stung, his eyelashes full of water droplets, gathering and streaming down in tiny streams. 

_I love you._

He couldn’t say it. Not yet. Not in the mall bathrooms. He wanted to get out, to run away, or just lose himself in a forest. 

Kei offered a hand to him. He took hold of it and let Kei pull him forward and out of the bathroom. They were close together, shoulders touched and warmth pooling in their stomachs. It would have been romantic if Tadashi’s stomach didn’t rumble.

“McDonald’s?” Tadashi nodded, wrapping his arms around Kei’s waist. The hoodie felt extra soft against his cheeks. He sighed, smelling the faint strawberry scent. 

_I really love you._

Kei chuckled, running a hand through the back of Tadashi’s hair. It was getting longer, but he liked it. Fresh and light strands slipped between his fingers as he kept massaging his head. Tadashi sighed out in pleasure.

“Are you a cat?”

“Might as well be.” 

Kei pats his shoulders and peels him off. “Come on, let’s go eat something and we can talk more.”

_Talk._

“Hey Kei?” 

“Hm?” Kei stops walking. Tadashi wasn’t following.

“I… I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“It’s okay.” 

“But it’s not!”

“I had so many questions from all your strange behavior, but I kept waiting. I knew one day you’d tell me. I won’t force you. But just know I’ll be here no matter what.” He reaches out a hand.

Tadashi could cry. He doesn’t care how much he’s been crying, he doesn’t care how much shit his dad had put him through, or his mom just walking off. He doesn’t give a shit anymore. He’s not going to let anyone bring him down. Not anymore.

_No, if I continue like that, I’ll never see my mom again._

“I don’t know what to do.” He frowns, staring at the ground.

“I know it’s not ideal but we could actually get the police involved.”

“No!” He brings his head up with wide eyes. “I can’t be away from my mom. She needs me.”

“You _need_ her, you mean.” Kei hits the nail with that one.

“I just-”

“Look, I won’t tell you what to do, but if you really don’t want authorities involved, you have to at least tell me what goes on.” Kei steps closer to him. “You have to let me in, let my family in, hell, even Akiteru will do anything for you.” He pushes a long hair behind Tadashi’s ear. 

“I’m scared.”

“I am too.” Kei stretches his hand out again, the black bag in the other waves around in place. “But we can do this together.”

Tadashi looks at it, mesmerized at the pale calloused hands. They were strong and thin, pretty big, but he’s really tall so that’s to be expected. He swallows thickly, exhaling through his mouth before taking his hand.

“Together.” He wraps his hand around the other, warmth pooled in between their palms.

Kei walks forward, but Tadashi doesn’t budge.

“Tadashi?”

“I can still have her around, right?”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan.” Kei smiles, slowly pulling him forward. He didn’t have to pull much further, Tadashi caught up on his own, almost walking a little more ahead. But that’s okay.

Kei is catching up.

* * *

“Fuck.” Tadashi spews over his fries.

“What?” Kei scrunches his eyebrows, sipping his drink.

“My dad said I wasn’t his.”

“What?!” He chokes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys want something more awkwardly romantic and some sexual tension
> 
> i wrote the first chapter for akatsukkiyama called [coffee](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556134/chapters/62013961)
> 
> check it out if you'd like.


	7. someone gets hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feel my heart beating?  
> I'm just like her or you  
> People forget I'm human too  
> Yes, they do that
> 
> This is performance  
> This is all self defense  
> I thought you had the sense  
> To see through that

“What do you mean ‘not his’?” Kei spluttered, wiping the tiny coke puddles on the table with an already used brown napkin. He frowns as the liquid goes through to his fingers. "I swear these napkins are just as useless as Tanaka's shirts during a game."

"They're cheap napkins, Tsukki." Tadashi has a palm holding up his head while the other takes a fry from Kei's tray. He had argued he had enough for fries only but Kei wouldn't hear it. He ended up buying both their meals. 

That racked up to 2,881 Yen he spent today. 

Kei gave up, tossing it to Tadashi's tray. It was always like this, Tadashi would finish his food the fastest so he'd get all the trash. Kei took  _ forever  _ to do anything, he was a sim taking 45 minutes to eat and an extra 50 to shower. Well the last part was an exaggeration, but it’s what it felt like to Tadashi.

"Anyways, how do you know this?" Kei clicked his tongue. His fingers drums on the table, the tips stick to it, making a scatological noise.

“That’s what he said.” Tadashi clicked his tongue in return, it was a slight habit they developed. The salt pressed against the roof of his mouth, instantly melting and mixing with his saliva. 

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re smarter than this, Tsukki.” Tadashi gulped the soggy fry, his throat feeling a little parched. 

“No,” Kei shakes his head, “I mean, how do you know this?”

“I was waiting for you outside and they were on the opposite side of the bench.” He pulled a fry apart with his teeth, twisted half of it around his fingers, they were cold and soggy, the small bits of salt already soaked through.

“Talk about shitty luck.”

“Language.” He waves the half fry around before throwing it into his mouth.

“Oh please.” Kei rolls his eyes, pushing his cup forward. “Get me a refill.”

“What?” Tadashi shoved it back. “No. You’re old enough to do things on your own.”

“Please.” Kei shoved it back harder, nearly crushing it. 

“No.” 

“I bought you this gift and this is how you repay me?”

“What gift?” The cup in the middle of their hands, fingertips nearly touched. Kei uses a free hand to pull the black bag from his side, letting it slap against the table.

“For you.” He takes his hand off the cup, pushing his glasses up as he smirks.

Tadashi cautiously takes the bag, his heart racing against his chest. He crosses his fingers; hoping it's not a prank where glitter explodes in your face. He really did not need that right now. The bag was soft and heavy in his hands. Pressing a finger in the middle, watching it bounce back slowly.

“Stop playing with it. It’s not a toy.” 

He grabbed the bag’s handles and pulled it towards his lap.

“Fine.” He didn’t look down into the as he opened it. “Asshat.”

Kei faked a hurt expression. “Language.” He gasped.

Tadashi stopped giggling when he finally looked down. There laid a true black soft hoodie. He took a hand and grabbed the cotton material, the plush velvety fabric made him kilter. 

His world always consisted of himself, his mom, and the numbness he felt whenever his parents fought past midnight. That was until Kei came along, he managed to squirm his way through and plopped himself down between his mom and numbness. He always made sure to keep his feelings out of the way, he used to be so good at hiding the things from home. He had excuses lined up and everyone would actually fall for it. 

He had such a  _ great  _ life. And for once, he had something he wanted but never asked.

“Is this…” 

“I don’t know. Take it out maybe?”

“Don’t sass me!” 

He pulls out the clothing. Junjo Ito’s manga panel fills his vision. His eyes blur, the black lines of the panel mix together. He can’t see it clearly anymore. 

“Tsukki.” Tadashi wants to jump over the table and hug the living life out of him.

“Kei.” He corrects.

“Huh?” He brings the hoodie down to his lap, the bag crinkles underneath it.

“Call me Kei.” He shrugs, sucking air from the empty cup.

_ Schlllllllllll. _

Tadashi stretches his hand out. “I’ll refill that.”

Kei looked at his empty palm, the tiny cuts were healing. He puts his hand on top. 

"Wh-No! Your cup!" Tadashi lazily shakes his hand but Kei didn't budge.

"Later." They sit across each other, hands joined in front of them. A few people pass by, peering at them with curious glances. He can feel his hand get sweaty.

"Kei, this is embarrassing." Kei looks at him for a few seconds, considering his words.

He shrugs. "Deal with it."

The obnoxious slurping of air is starting to annoy him. Tadashi uses his free hand to reach over, pulling the cup away from Kei's lips. 

"What flavor?" 

"Sprite." He moves to stand up. Kei still didn't let go. 

"I kind of need my hand back." 

"Too bad." 

"What do you mean too bad?" 

"I need it more."

Tadashi eyed the machines. There was a small child trying to reach over. A man comes to lift him, helping him get a refill. 

"Thanks dad." The small child looks at his dad as he lowers him gently, ruffling his hair before joining a woman at the table.

"Is he still my dad?" He watches the ‘family’ giggle as the child’s arms are in the air, flapping wildly and excitedly. Maybe the child was telling a story or maybe they really liked being in the air.

"Huh?" Kei squeezes his fingers onto Tadashi's knuckles. A small pulse throbs under his index finger.

"My dad." Tadashi can’t take his eyes off the family. His heart twinges with jealousy.

"Your real one?" Kei takes a thumb, rubbing it back and forth. 

"No, the one we just saw."

"I don't think so." Kei focused the lines on Tadashi’s knuckles. He looked at every crease.

"But he's been there since I was born." Tadashi watches the family clean up the table, a crumpled napkin stays behind on the seats. 

"Has he ever been a dad?" He’s starting to feel like the napkin left behind, he was a mess just like it.

Tadashi takes a few seconds before answering. "No never."

"Do you know who your real dad is?" 

"His brother."

"That  _ man _ has a brother?" Kei’s eyebrows scrunched together, he really doesn’t know much about Tadashi’s family. Or anything private.  _ I’m a disgrace. _

Tadashi forces a chuckle. "Unfortunately." 

Kei frowns. "Tadashi." 

He groans, pulling his hand away harsher than he wanted it. 

"I don't need your pity." 

"I'm not pitying you." Kei frowns, his hand flat against the table. "When have I ever shown you pity?" His palms felt sticky.

"Never…" Tadashi looked down to his lap, the soft hoodie warming his thighs. The red marks were irritated from scratching against the denin, but the heat made them warm and soothing. 

"Exactly.” 

“So if not pity, then why are you doing this?” He looked up, shoulders tensed as he saw two heads on either side of Kei.

“So this is where you’ve been ditching.” The vice captain’s breath tickles Kei’s ears.

Kei jumped in his seat, knees hitting the bottom of the table.

“Holy fuck!” He pushed his seat back, only to have it moved forward. His stomach hit the edge of the table. “Ow!” He winced.

“Seriously, we’ve been calling you two all morning!” Daichi’s hands are tightly wrapped around Kei’s chair, his ‘father’ tone makes their skin crawl.

“Sugawara-san! Daichi-san!” Tadashi clinged onto the hoodie, bringing it to cover half of his face. His cheeks were stained red from being caught.

“You two are in serious trouble! I’m telling Takeda as soon as we drag you both-”

Suga eyes the hoodie in his hands. The brand’s bag on the floor.  _ What the hell, that store’s clothes are expensive… OH… _ The corners of his lips lift. “You two are fine.” Suga pats the captain’s back hard.

“Suga!”

“I’ll let the coach know Yamaguchi got sick.” Suga hooks his arm around Daichi’s.

“Suga!”

“You two have fun!~” He hastily dragged him away from the table, his face glowed from laughing.

Tadashi takes a mental note. A mental railroad connects with a lightbulb turning on. It finally makes sense.

“I get it now.”  _ Suga is the happiest with him. _

“Huh?” Kei rubbed a hand over his stomach. “Jeez, that hurt.” He mutters.

“Suga is in love with Daichi.”  _ I should’ve known. _

“Huh?” 

“Last time we talked, he said he was in love with someone.” 

“Oh.”

“But Daichi likes someone else.”  _ That’s right, it was some girl. _

“Oh…” 

“That sucks.”  _ I wonder if Kei likes a girl too. _

“Does it?”

“To not be loved by someone you’re head over heels for.”  _ Maybe he does…  _

“Do you love someone?” Kei pulls both trays towards him.

Tadashi felt embarrassing tears tease the inner corners of his eyes. “Shut up!”

Kei’s honey filled laughter dripped from his lips. “Sounds to me you know where he’s coming from.” He takes their trays, pouring the trash onto Tadashi’s tray, stacking his underneath it.

“That’s weird.”

“What is?”

“Usually you pour the trash on your tray.”

“What?”

“Every time we go out to eat, your tray is on top.” 

“You’ve always supported me,” Kei lifts the trays with one hand, the other stretched towards the freckled boy, “so now let me support you.” Tadashi’s cheeks sting from his wide smile, he didn’t realize how overwhelmed he was. 

“We’re still on a date, right?” 

“Of course!” Tadashi pulled the black hoodie over his head, it was a bit big, but he prefers it that way. It was comforting. He reaches for the plastic bag, shoving it into his pocket.

“Then let’s go.” He takes the hand, clasping their sticky and salty fingers together. It was fitting, but also a bit gross. He giggled into his free hand.

“What’s so funny?” Kei pulls him, almost missing the trash can as he pours the contents of the tray.

“This all seems like a good dream.”

“Even the stuff that happened before?”

“It’s like waking up from a nightmare only to be with someone I dream about.”

“You dream of me?”

“No!” Tadashi pries his hand away but is pulled back next to Kei’s side.

“I dream of you.” His eyes widen as he tries to take a peek of Kei’s face. He had turned away, but the blush from the top of his neck and ears gave everything away.

“Do you like girls, Tsukki?”

“No.” Kei’s face twists with irritation. “They’re not for me.” 

_He definitely does not like a girl._

Tadashi snickers and retorts, “I think they’re cute.” 

Kei wants to cry.

“But I think boys are cute too.” 

He wants to cry of joy.

“So you like both?”

Tadashi shrugs. “I like anyone.”

“You’re bi?”

Tadashi lets his head rest against his shoulder, walking past jewelry stores. “Yep.” He feels Kei’s fingers squeeze with excitement.

“I like Yachi.” Kei’s heart cracks, the chains are tightening around it.

“But I also like other people.”

“What about me?” He says without thinking. It’s now or never.

“Hm?” Tadashi takes his head off his shoulder.

“Would you like me?”

_ I already like you, silly. _

Tadashi smiles at him. “I think I would.”

“Then I think you should let me show you I can be a better partner than Yachi.” Kei has never been more confident, even while playing volleyball. It’s like a new high he’s feeling.

“Is this competition I see?” Tadashi teases him.

“You like her, don’t you?” 

“Doesn’t mean I can’t like you either.”

“But I don’t like sharing.”

“Tsukki!” He smiles to himself, he didn’t need to doubt any more. 

Kei swings their joined hands together, pointing out some strange outfits or overly giant cute plush. He wants to do this all day.

“Tsukki-”

“Kei.” He corrected him.

“Kei, would you like a big plush?”

“Depends. Do you?”

“I think it’d be less lonely at home.”

Kei thinks over how much it would cost. He knew it’d be expensive, but for some reason it didn’t fit what he was looking for. Sure getting a plush would last Tadashi forever, except it won’t give him the warmth he needed when he’s alone. 

Well, stuff animals can give some warmth, but it’s not  _ alive _ . Oh?

“Kei?”

“Hm?” His track of thoughts halt, he can’t get used to Tadashi saying his name like nectar of a forbidden fruit. 

“Where are we going?” The mall’s exit was a few meters ahead. 

“We,” He pauses, “are going to a hangout spot.”

“The park?”

“No. You’ll see.” 

“Whatever you say, Tsu-Kei.” Tadashi raspberries at himself. He fudged up again. Kei thought it was cute, however.

“It’s going to take some time to get used to isn’t it?” He sneered, his elbow jabbing his side. 

“I only call you ‘Kei’ when in private.”

“Which is hardly since you don’t come over as much.”

“I have to- Oh.” They’re right past the door, the wind knocking a couple of leaves at their ankles. “Mom.”

“Huh?”

“My mom, I have to be there for her at night. Oh god, how could I forget? I’m so stupid!” He snatches his hand back, clutching his forearms, nails dig into the hoodie. It was beginning to get hot, his skin crawled. Nails were digging in harder, trying to grate through layers of skin.

“Tadashi, breathe.” 

Dots of purple and midnight blue suffused his eyesight. The ringing in his ears blared alarms, he needed to sit down. 

_ Home. Go home now. Mom needs me. Oh god, I have to be there for her. What if she gets hurt? What if- _

“Tadashi!” He was on the bench next to him, both of his hands were shaking, eagerly ready to mangle himself with anything that could hurt. 

_ Breathe. _

He closed his eyes, counting the seconds between every exhale. 

He saw himself, he was in front of a castle. The windows were cracked. Vines littered up the walls, pieces of stone crumbled from the corners of towers. He knew the place, he built it. He had built everything from the ground up. 

The first moment his mother had come home drunk, he was so small. He had no idea what he could do besides give her a glass of water. He didn’t think his father would walk out, he assumed it was to get medicine.

_ That’s what was supposed to happen. _

Being two years old seeing your parent’s marriage fall apart, he had no idea. He thought maybe every adult just had problems and it was up to him to be there.

_ Oh how foolish I was. _

His father never hit him. Or his mother. But there were close calls.

_ I hate him. _

His father wasn’t a bad person, at least he told himself that until recently. Oh no, believe him, he completely forgave his father. He thought the man was someone strong and caring. 

_ How fucking wrong I was. _

Tadashi is neglected, put under so much unnecessary fucking stress. He doesn’t have to deal with this shit, oh no, he can just walk out and leave. He can walk off a cliff and his parents wouldn’t give two shits about it. He has the ability to run away.

_ I can always die alone. _

“Tadashi.”

He looked up, the castle’s door rumbled. Lightning in the background, crackled and hit the top of the building, huge pieces of stone fell to the ground. Shards of blue and green stained glass scratched his cheeks. 

“I have to go home.” He murmurs.

“No you don’t.” Kei argues.

“I have to take care of my mom.”

“That’s not your job.”

“But-”

Kei put a hand on his shoulder, he gripped it hard. “Tadashi listen to me.”

“No, you listen.” Tadashi shoves it away. “I have to be there, I’m in charge of watching after her.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Kei sat closer, his thighs pressing against his. “It is  _ not _ your job to be a parent to your own  _ mother _ .”

“If I don’t do it, they could take me away. They could take her away.” Memories bleed through the cracks. They were black specks of dust clogging his lungs. “I can’t leave her alone with dad.”  _ I don’t want to be alone. _

“They’re not taking anyone away.” Kei assures.

“They will! I don’t have any other family.”

“You can live with us.”

“It’s not easy, Kei!” He pulls away again, sliding farther from him. His thighs scratch against the uneven metal. “You don’t understand.”

“No, I do. You’re just not listening.” Kei slides over.

“What?” He looks at the blonde, rage behind his eyes.

“Who told you, you’re in charge of your mother?”

“Dad…” 

“Who told you they’d take her or you away?”

“Dad…”

“Tadashi, when did you start taking care of her?”

“I don’t know. It’s always been like that.” His eyes fall down to the ground. His white shoes were dirty around the edges, slightly grey and yellow tint. They were old shoes, he can’t remember getting them. Who bought them?

_ Kei bought it for my birthday. _

That’s right, he’s gotten a lot of necessities from Kei.

_ “Be more responsible, Yamaguchi!” _

_ “Sorry Tsukki!” _

How is it that he’s being taken care of by his friend rather than his own family?

“Don’t you agree that your dad may have manipulated you into taking care of her?”

He snaps back to reality. “What?! No-”

“Think about it.”

"I am!” He’s denying everything. “I know what manipulation is. I'm not stupid."

"You're making excuses for them."

"I'm not!" He defends. 

"You are!" 

"It's my responsibility. She's my mom." 

"Bullshit." Kei spits out.

"How is that-" 

"You are 16 fucking years old, you are  _ not _ responsible for your 30 something year old mother. She needs to be the one taking care of  _ you _ ."

Tadashi's mouth gapes open, his eyes blown from Kei's harsh words. The castle’s tower crumbled completely. 

_ I’ve been manipulated? _

"Do you really think they'd take her away? They won't. Our foster care is sending kids to institutions and then return them back." Kei’s fingernails dig into the heel of his palms. "Tadashi, you're stuck there. No one is going anywhere, so don't shut me out. You don't have to be alone in this. "

Kei would have choked himself if he were to yell at Tadashi, they don't get into fights. Tadashi is the one to yell, to shake him by the shoulders or call him stupid. He's the one to get scolded for his negative thinking. 

Now it's his turn. It's his turn to hold him by the shoulders, push him into the right direction. It's his turn to be the friend Tadashi needs. 

**What more do you need than pride?** __

"Don't shut me out." His voice cracks, he shakily reaches out for Tadashi’s hand. "Please." 

Tadashi feels the familiar crawling sensation in his head. The creaks of the house as he walks down the hall, his bedroom quiet and empty. 

He remembers that night. 

_ Maybe he’s right.  _

That evening. 

_ Maybe I was manipulated.  _

He saw his father in a different light. 

_ I’m not stupid, I wouldn’t let that happen.  _

He was two. 

_ Right? _

  
  
  
  


_ Drip. _

The faucet was leaking again.

_ Drip. _

He couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he turned the knob.

_ Drip. _

His mother was on the table, staring into her cup of water. The water rippled as her legs shook underneath. 

_ Drip. _

“Mom?”

She didn’t look at her son. She was staring at herself in the water.

“Mom.”

_ Drip. _

His father was in the living room, staring at a blank tv screen. He saw his reflection, the clouds blocked any light entering the household. Shadows were taller around the edges of the room. They reminded Tadashi of the monsters he was scared of at night, the kinds that snuck in the corners, whispering dark thoughts.

_ Drip. _

“Tadashi.” His father whispered. “Take good care of her.” 

_ Drip. _

He walked towards them, grabbing his cigarette box and matches from the table, completely ignoring his mother’s distraught face. Tadashi knew better than to follow him out. He tailed after him, curious why his father would leave the house and come back only to yell at his poor mother.

He didn’t expect to see his father crying in front of the gates. His hand shook, the matchstick missing the end of the cigarette. He wanted to reach out, help his father light it, but he didn't like the smell. He didn’t like the gray translucent smoke drying out his throat and lungs, infecting it’s harmful contents. His bloodstream would be corrupted if he got any closer.

His father, anger traced around his actions, dragged a trash bin to the front, dumping everything from the box, and slowly letting the matchstick fall to the bottom. Tadashi saw smoke rise from the bin, his father’s eyes were no longer crying. Dried tear stains looked like white spider legs around his cheeks. 

He didn’t know at that moment, his father had stopped loving them.

_ Drip. _

His mother didn’t move. Tadashi heard water hit plastic from outside, his father must have put out the fire before it progressed. He never came back inside though, he must have just walked around. Tadashi only had microwavable meals, ones his grandmother would get him. But today, all he had was microwavable chicken nuggets. 

He liked those. Figuring out the shapes were the exciting part of the meal. Sometimes they looked like dinosaurs, sometimes they looked like bears. His imagination was his best friend. 

_ Drip. _

He would feed his mother those chicken nuggets. He’d draw scenery with ketchup and barbeque. She didn’t care. She just ate what was there, sometimes too messy like a child.

_ He was the child. _

He would push her to the bathroom, drag her out of her clothes. He would force her to gulp down water. He learned to make coffee for her hangovers, he learned to boil water for tea.

_ Drip. _

He learned to be an adult for her. He did it for her.

_ Drip. _

_ No. I did it because I was forced to. _

“She’s your mom, you take care of her.” 

_ That’s what he would say. _

_ Drip. _

“But she’s your wife.” He was 14 when he had a huge argument with his father. He argued back, he really tried to talk to him.

_ It was for nothing. _

“She’s not my wife if she stopped loving me.”

He wanted to scream and throw his cup of water at a wall. But he’s not the violent type. He didn’t want to waste the water, his mother was waiting for him in the room, head pounding from all the alcohol.

_ How did I not see? _

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because it’s my house, my rules.” 

_ The same excuse. _

“I don’t want to!”

“You don’t have a choice!”

_ Always the same. _

“The faucet is broken.”

“Is it?”

_ It’s been broken since they moved in. _

“So are we.”

_ Drip. _

That’s right… 

**Drip.**

They’ve always been broken.

_ Someone always gets hurt. _

And it was him.

  
  
  


“Tadashi?” Kei searched his eyes. The small light in his eyes dulled out. His hand hovers over his, a small line of warm space between them.

“I’ve always found excuses for them. Always thinking that I was in the wrong.” 

Kei stays quiet. He feels there’s more coming.

“I always took the blame for them. I always felt hurt for  _ them _ .”

“Tadashi…”

“Why me? Why do I have to be the one in pain?”

“I’m sure they’re hurting too.” Tadashi squeezes his hands hard. Kei worries about the small healing cuts.

“So why do they use me?” 

“Because they’re not good parents. They make you blame yourself because they don’t want to take the blame for themselves.”

“So it isn’t my fault?” He looks at him with glassy eyes.

Kei shakes his head. “That’s what they want you to think.” He eyes a stray strand of hair.

“But they’re not bad people.”  _ Right? _

“They’re not good people either.” Kei tucked one of Tadashi’s strand hair behind his ear, softly caressing the side. 

“They let me take the fault, don’t they?” His voice falters, cracking at the end.

Kei wants to comfort him, wants to tell him he’s got it all wrong. But he can’t lie about that. He can’t deny the truth that hurts them the most.

_ Everything was fine, wasn’t it? _

“It was all fine to me until…” He pauses, his hands unfold themselves. It was never fine. 

_ I only thought it was fine. _

“You can only take so much pain.” Kei reassures him, he doesn’t want him to close up again.

_ It’s all fine until someone gets hurt. _

“It’s all fine until someone gets hurt.” Tadashi mutters.

Kei cups Tadashi’s right ear, his fingers rubbing the tip of it. “Tell me everything.” He whispers.

No one tells you realization feels like a sudden punch to the gut, the pain twisting your stomach. Hurricanes of guilt and anger whirls in your body. There are invisible hands strangling your throat, head starts to feel fuzzy, a high pitch ringing blares through your ears.

It’s as if everything you’ve been told was all a lie. His entire life was a lie. 

“I don’t know what to say.” Tadashi lifted a hand to hold his, peeling it off slowly. “There’s just so much.” 

“Show me.”

“What?” His eyes widened.

“Tonight, we’ll stay at yours.” 

Tadashi violently shakes his head. “No way.”

“If it’s too much, we can leave.” Kei doesn’t back down.

“I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Tadashi, what do you usually do when they’re home.”

“Hide in my room.”

“Then it’s settled, we hide in your room.”

“But how will we get out?”

“You have a window?”

“Yeah.”

“Then we got ourselves an escape route.”

“What is this? A heist?”

“Close enough.”

"What about my mom? I can't leave her." 

"Tadashi…" 

"I know, but I feel so bad leaving her alone for one night." 

"Leave it to me." 

"I can't do that…" 

"Depend on me here and there." 

"But this is  _ my  _ problem." 

"It doesn't have to be." 

"I want it to be." 

"Don't." Kei takes a sharp breath. "Stop pushing me away." 

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I just don't want to depend on you so much." 

"I don't mind." 

“You should.”

“Did you mind when I pushed you away?”

“Of course I did.”

“Then I feel the same when you do it to me.”

Tadashi opens his mouth, nothing but air leaves. 

_ He’s got a point. It’s only fair. _

He closes it, tightening his grip around Kei.

Kei smiles softly. “I’ll be your punching bag when you’re angry. I’ll be your buddy when you need someone to hold.” He takes his other hand, placing them on his lap. “I’ll be your bestest friend, and if you’d like….” He leans forward.

Tadashi leans in, a few inches away from his face.

  
  


“I’ll be your boyfriend if you let me.”

  
  


Oh my fucking god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew. going down memory lane is hard.
> 
> i used one of my arguments i had with my therapist when i kept denying that was being manipulated into taking care of my sister. (i was parentified when i was 8)  
> rip childhood.
> 
> i try to write ok  
> im just a fucking spider in the corner of your room


	8. in my dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In my dreams shadows call  
> There's a light at the end of a hall  
> Then my dreams fade away  
> But I know it all will come back  
> One day

“What?!”

Kei and Tadashi sharply turn their heads. Their hearts crashed to a full stop at their throats.

“God damn it, Suga!” Daichi’s palm smacks the back of Suga’s head.

“I didn’t-” He looks at the two on the bench. “Oh! Sorry.” He bends down, hiding behind the bush. 

Daichi looks down, glowering at him with irritation.

“Say ‘yes’.” Suga whispers, the bush moving along with his voice. 

“How long were you two standing there?” Kei asks. Whatever bit of life Tadashi had drains from his body. 

“Uh, long enough for you to ask him to be your boyfriend.” Suga pops back up, stating as a matter-of-fact. 

Daichi drags him from their hiding position. “Suga dragged me behind with him.” He exposes them from behind the few potted plants.

“Daichi!”

“We expect you two to show up to weekend practice.”

“What?” Suga, Tadashi, and Kei yelled out in a panic.

“We’re having weekend practice, the four of us.” They sigh in unison.

“Wait, just us?” Kei’s tight grip on Tadashi’s loosen.

“Why only four?" Suga questions. 

"I figure whatever reason you guys are ditching is something you probably don't want to tell everyone." Daichi ignores Suga’s comment.

"Smart." Suga gives him a thumbs up. 

"Don't think you're off easy, Suga."

"Huh?" Suga took four steps back. "I didn't do anything." 

"You knew this was happening." 

"I didn't!" 

"But you knew something was up."

"Okay, I sort of did. But it's not my tale to tell!" He surrenders his hands. 

Tadashi exhales. "He's right, Daichi-san. I wanted it to be kept between us until I was ready." 

Daichi pinches the bridge of his nose. "Well whatever it is, I hope it's a good excuse. Ditching class is against the rules, and I do hope you three know you'll be severely punished for this." 

Suga whips his head. "What?! Three?" 

"Yes sir." Kei and Tadashi groan, their hands let go of each other.

"I didn't even do anything!" Suga complains. 

"So date after practice?" Kei whispers. 

Tadashi nods, chuckling at Suga's complaints. "After practice."

Suga is pushed around the corner, leading the path back to school. Lunch was probably at its end. 

“Why do I have to go?” He mutters under his breath.

“Because I said so.” Daichi reprimands him some more.

Tadashi watches their backs disappear. “Did Daichi and Suga ditch class too?”

“I think they did.”

He let his head fall, knocking slightly against Kei’s collarbone. He was kind of boney, but the heat his neck gives off makes him cuddle closer. Kei smiles in his hair, wrapped an arm around him.

“So I was thinking.”

“Uh oh.”

“Shush.” Kei moves his hand up and down his shoulder. “I think I want a pet snake.”

“A snake?” Tadashi peels away for a bit. “Why a snake?”

“They’re cute.”

“They’re slithery.”

“Is that even a word?”

“Would your parents be okay with it?”

“I don’t know, I don’t care.” Kei shrugs.

“You can’t just get a snake without your parents knowing.” Tadashi scolds.

“I can, watch me. And you’re going to help me take care of it.”

“What?!”

Kei immediately stands up, pulling Tadashi by his wrist.

“Kei, hold on.” He laughs with the wind hitting against his face. They take their time running along the sidewalk, sometimes stopping to look at different colored flowers and cute dogs walking with their owners. Kei never let go of his hand.

A couple of sakura leaves scratch the top of their knuckles, giggling as it tickles around them. 

Kei was sure that if soulmates were a thing, their strings would be attached together, wrapped around their pinkies. He would send the string to circle around Tadashi. 

“Why a snake?” Tadashi swings their hands together, feeling the swift wind pick up in the middle.

“I think they’re cute.”

“You already said that.”

“I wanted something easy to carry so when we go to your house, we can take it with us.”

“You’re coming over more than once?”

“Of course.” 

“Why?”

“Because I want to be with you.” Tadashi’s fear wilted under his hands. 

  
  
  


“Do you know which one you want?” Tadashi peaks over at the cages, watching a brown and beige snake slither around a small branch. They were all so tiny.

“I think something simple.” 

Tadashi gave him a bored look. “Kei, they’re all the same.”

Kei looked at him, offended. “Tadashi, they are all  _ not _ the same.” He pulls him over to a thin snake, curled up in a blue food bowl. “This is a threadsnake, they’re-”

“Ugly.”

“tiny-” Kei pulls his hand away, wrapping his arm around Tadashi’s neck. “Listen here you single celled punk.” His breath tickled Tadashi’s ear, making him giggle.

He stops his giggling when he sees a small bright green snake, looking at them from the cage below the threadsnake. Kei stops blowing onto his ear, tracing the invisible line between him and the smooth green snake.

“He’s beautiful.” Tadashi puts his hand on the glass, breathing onto it hard. The fog obscures the snake’s vision, it slithers up the glass, peaking over the tip of his fingers.

“He is.” Kei sneaks a photo of them. Tadashi’s blown out eyes of wonder and beauty, watching the green snake move along the glass pan.

“Can I help you?” They break eye contact, glancing at the pet shop’s employee with a bright red polo shirt. His name tag was fading, the name  _ Leo  _ barely legible. 

Kei clears his throat. “We want this one.” He hides his phone in his pocket, hoping the photo didn’t come out blurry like the last three he took of him.

“The Smooth Green Snake? Absolutely.” Leo pulls a box from a shelf. “What’s his name?” He unlatches the grit door from the top of the cage, coaxing the tiny snake to get into the box. His hands were slightly shaking.

“Uh…” Kei looks over to Tadashi, nudging his shoulder.

“Uh.” He looks around the store, watching guinea pigs chew on lettuce and spinach. “Spinach.”

Kei is taken back. Were they really going to name a freaking snake after a goddamn vegetable?

“Cute!” Leo comments.

They freaking were!

He pinches the side of the box, closing it, tight enough to still let him breathe, but not too much where he can escape.

“And did you need help finding what you need for him?” Kei shakes his head.

“I got it covered, thanks.” Leo nods, walking off to the next customer.

“I want to see him.” Tadashi takes a corner, pulling it apart.

“Woah, not yet.” Kei brings a hand, stopping him from pulling any further. 

Tadashi pouts.

“Let me grab the stuff. It’ll be quick.” He looks at his phone, marking off things from the list. He knew he’d have to come by often in order to buy him bugs, luckily this snake eats insects. He can’t imagine his mother’s nearly fainting face, feeding Spinach a mouse or rat that’s twice his size.

He hears a soft rip from a carton box.

“Tadashi!” He hisses.

Tadashi was holding Spinach in between his fingers. The green snake slithers around his hand until it seats itself comfortably. He laid his head snugly between the space of his index and thumb.

“He likes me.” Tadashi squeals, his other hand rubbing the top of Spinach’s head.

Kei was mesmerized, his heart storming against his chest. Lightning struck through him, his entire body melted from the spectacular view. 

“Kei?” He blinked a few times, vision clearing up. He hadn’t realized he was daydreaming.

“Sup?”

“You ready?”

They were near the register, math in his head as he pulled out the money. He doesn’t care how much money he’s spent today, he hardly ever used it. The biggest thing he’s ever bought was new headphones after Akiteru broke his first pair. It took a few mistakes to learn responsibility in taking better care of expensive things.

Spinach will get lots of care from two people.

  
  
  


“Really? Spinach?” Kei’s hands let go of the bags, they had left small indentation marks.

“It was either that or Lettuce.” Spinach rubs himself on Tadashi’s cheek, his tongue sticking out. 

“Well, he is really cute.” Kei agrees. “I guess it suits him.”

“What does he eat?”

“Insects.”

Tadashi wrinkles his nose. “Poor bugs.”

“He’s gotta eat if he wants to be big and strong.”

“And lanky like you.”

“Hey!” Kei takes out a box, the warning sticker freshly labeled. 

“Careful not to throw it.” Tadashi lies on his side, his hand hanging off of Kei’s bed. The afternoon sun’s rays make their way to the middle of the room. 

“Hey Kei!” Akiteru opens the door, freezing at the mess on the floor and a snake curling around Tadashi’s fingers.

“Akiteru have you seen the screwdriver?” Kei doesn’t turn around. He turns the metal edges around his fingers, eyeing how many screws are needed for each one. The glass sheets are stacked with thin papers separating them.

“Kei, what is this?” He watches the green snake slither to Tadashi’s wrist, almost like a green moving bracelet. “What is that?”

Tadashi giggles as Spinach continues to lightly tickle him, slithering his way up to his forearm. “This is Spinach. Isn’t he cute?” He picks up the snake with two fingers, laying it on the mattress. Spinach picks up his head, tilting it to look at Akiteru before snaking his way back to Tadashi’s hands.

“Spinach?”

“He’s a Smooth Green Snake.” Kei scratches the side of his head. “Where’s the screwdriver?” He asks again.

“Kei.”

“Huh?” He turned around, Akiteru’s face was ghostly pale.

“Please tell me you didn’t just buy a snake without talking to mom and dad first.”

“No.”

Akiteru groans, closing the door behind him.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh.” Kei and Tadashi jumped as Akiteru barged in with a few tools in hand. “You’re on your own.” He shoves it into Kei’s arms before running back out. “I hate snakes!”

Tadashi chokes on his fit of giggles.

  
  
  


“Hey Tadashi?”

“Yes, Kei?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

“So?”

Tadashi watches Spinach lap up water from his bowl. Kei littered the tank with fake plants, vowing he’d grow something real to put in.

“I’ll give you my answer later.” He put his pinkie on the glass. Spinach paused his drinking, eyeing Tadashi through the other side. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be with Kei.

He was afraid.

_ Would I even be a good boyfriend? _

_ Am I worth being in a relationship? _

_ I can’t drag Kei down with me. _

He was being selfish, keeping his doubts inside.

“Whatever you’re thinking, don’t.” Kei cuts his mind off. He loops his pinkie around Tadashi’s, pulling it away from the glass. Tadashi loops his back.

“I’ll wait for as long as you need me to.”

Tadashi’s chest tightens.

_ I don’t deserve you. _

He curls his lips into a small smile. Kei opens his mouth to say something.

_ I love you. _

“Kei?” He looked past Tadashi, his mother wasn’t looking too happy.

“Mom?” He gulps out.

“Did we give you permission to buy a  _ snake _ ?”

“It eats bugs?” Kei tenses up. His shoulders shook, curling in on himself. Tadashi felt the deathly aura from behind. He’s about to excuse himself, letting Kei’s pinkie hang in the air.

“Oh no, you stay here too.” Kei’s mother pulls him back into the room with a hand on his shoulder.

Akiteru and his father are in the hallway cackling as his mother chews them both out.

“I can’t believe you brought a snake!”

“It’s not dangerous!” Kei argues back. Big mistake.   


“It’s a pet! You never asked for a pet!”

“But it eats bugs!”

“It’s a snake!” She counters poorly. “Not only did you bring a snake home, but you brought Tadashi without telling us! I could have made his favorite.” Akiteru can hear his mother shaking her head as she speaks.

“But mom-”

“I can’t believe you turned into a rebel.”

“For bringing a snake?”

“For bringing a snake!”

Akiteru is clutching his stomach from laughing so much. He didn’t care if they heard, he was having too much fun.

“Tadashi, I haven’t seen you in so long.” He hears a choking sound come from the freckled boy.

“Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize, dear. I’m sorry you have to be friends with him sometimes.”

“Mom!”

“It’s no worry, you’re a sweet angel. I know you were dragged into this.” 

Akiteru wipes his tears. He stands up straight, turning the doorknob to ask about dinner.

“Tadashi, have you lost weight?” He froze. The aura changed behind the door.

Tadashi was ready for something to crash through the window and fly him off to the other side of the planet. He was so focused on hiding everything in his head, he didn’t think to hide the things everyone could see.

He bit his cheek.

“He’s been busy with everything, he keeps forgetting to look after himself.” Kei cuts in. It seems like Kei’s been making up excuses for him all day today.

_ Why am so pathetic? _

“Tadashi…” She scooches over, fitting herself in between two lanky boys. “If you ever need something, you can come to us. You’re my favorite out of all the boys.” 

Akiteru busts open the door. “Uh, hello!” He waves a hand over. “I’m right here?”

Kei shrugs. “Honestly, Tadashi is way better than you.”

Tadashi feels like his face is on fire.”T-thanks.” He squeaks out.

“So dinner?” The father ‘s head pops up behind Akiteru.

“Oh right, I made a lot tonight. Why don’t you sleep over, Tadashi?” She hides her mouth behind her hand. “Kei tells us you two have a date tomorrow.” She teases.

Kei sputters. “Mom!”

She throws her head back, laughing at their embarrassed expressions. Oh to have a camera to capture these beautiful moments.

“Yeah, he even asked me for tips.” Akiteru brags.

Tadashi raises an eyebrow to his best friend. “Oh really?” 

“I’m hungry! Who else is hungry? No? Just me? Alright.” Kei pulls Tadashi out of the room, zooming past everyone. There’s a fit of laughter left behind.

_ I miss it here. _

Tadashi really misses being with them. His stomach churns over, looking at the beautiful set of white dishes and red bowls.

_ Mom. _

He should go home.

“Eat. Then we’ll go to yours.” Kei pulls out a chair for him.

“Are you staying over at Tadashi’s?” His mom enters the dining area, gathering cups as she passes by the counter.

Kei nods. “Yeah, I have to set up Spinach’s carrier tank.”

“Spinach?”

“Ah, that’s the snake’s name.” Tadashi brings rice to his lips. It immediately melts onto his tongue. He hasn’t had fresh food like this in a long time.

“Cute.” Mr. Tsukishima comments under his breath. They still heard him.

“Well, if you need any money for snacks…” She lets her sentence drift off. Maybe she caught on to Tadashi’s situation, but he doubts it. She probably thinks he’s not in a stable financial environment, and honestly, she’s not wrong.

“We’re fine, Mrs. Tsukishima.” He sips the bowl of miso soup, the tofu was soft to chew. 

“I think I have enough anyway.” Kei pokes the grilled fish on his plate. “Not like I ever spend my money on anything.”

“Except for Tadashi’s birthday and christmas presents.” Akiteru mutters, his eyes darting away from Kei throwing daggering looks at him.

Tadashi hums. “I feel spoiled all of a sudden.”

“Good, if Kei was being cheap, I’d scold him for it.” Mr. Tsukishima pours water into his perfectly glass cup. Kei breathes out sharply, his cheeks burning from all the unnecessary attention.

The rest of dinner was the casual work and school talk, nothing was out of the ordinary. Tadashi really tried to keep his parents out of his mind, but the words kept getting louder.

He forgot about the confrontation with his father earlier that day.

_ I’m not his. _

The bathroom scene with Kei and his father.

_ He must hate him. _

His parents never fully met Kei, they’ve seen him maybe once or twice, but he’s done his best to keep them away. Tadashi never told them anything, not even him liking boys too.

_ Ah, that’s right. _

“Are you okay with Kei and I going on a date tomorrow?” He wished he could take back the question when they stare at him as if he dropped a bomb on the table. Technically he kind of did.

“No, should we?” Mrs. Tsukishima looks up to the ceiling. “I rather have my son date you than a girl he’d be awful with.”

Mr. Tsukishima finishes chewing a seasoned cucumber. “I think you two are a perfect fit. Are you doubting yourself, Tadashi?”

Ouch. Right on the nail.

“I don’t have… accepting parents.” He’s not lying. 

“Oh sweetie.” Mrs. Tsukishima pushed her seat back, making her way to his side. “Whatever is going on with you and your parents, you’ll always have us.”

Kei wanted to be the one by his side, but he knew better. Tadashi needed a family, and if it consisted of Kei’s, then he’d let them be by his side too. He wasn’t fond of sharing, but for Tadashi, he’ll do it. 

“Thank you.” Tadashi surprised her, wrapping his arms around her neck, stifling a cry. Kei bit his lip, looking away.

_ Just what goes on at home, Tadashi? _

* * *

“Kei.”

“Look-”

“Stop.”

He looked up at his mom, she stopped cutting the strawberries. 

“Sorry?”

“I’m not sure what Tadashi is going through, but I hope you’ll take care of him.” She resumes cutting the fruit up, the red juice leaking from between her fingers.

“I know.”

“And whenever he needs help, you don’t shut him away.”

“I know.”

She slides them off the cutting board, letting them fall on a small tupperware. “I want to know what goes on with him.”

“Me too.”

The lid closes tightly.

“Just be careful.” She hands him the container. “And call if you need anything.  _ Anything _ .” She says the last word eagerly. He nods his head, listening to her soft footsteps behind him.

_ Anything. _

  
  
  


Tadashi likes letting the cold water soak into his fingers. It runs through him, making his back shiver in pleasure. 

_ I didn’t mean to cry in front of them. _

He sighs. 

_ That must have looked suspicious. _

He wonders how he’ll hide Kei in his room while his mom is too drunk off her ass to even function.

_ Do we have to go back home? _

He told his dad he’d stay out all weekend, so why go back home?

_ Kei wants to see what goes on. _

Maybe he’ll be lucky tonight.

_ Maybe dad won’t come back home. _

The woman from the mall comes into mind.

_ Who was she? _

She wasn’t anyone he knew before. 

_ “If I see you again, you’re going to pay for it.” _

Is it worth going back?

“Tadashi?” Kei knocks softly.

“Huh?”

“You ready?”

“Yeah.”

He tugs open the door, almost walking straight into Kei’s chest. 

“Oh, Kei.” 

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“You look scared.” Tadashi turns to look in the mirror.

_ Oh. _

“Dad said you’d pay for it.” He turns back, not wanting to look into Kei’s eyes. He thinks he’ll come apart if he does.

“So?” Kei doesn’t sound fazed.

“I’m not sure if it’s worth it.”

“Maybe not to you.” 

Tadashi hears Kei sigh, feeling arms around him, pulling him closer.

“But you said there’s a lot to explain, right?” 

“Yeah.”

“Then the easiest way is to see for myself.” He pulls back, lifting his chin up. Kei can look into his eyes forever if he weren’t say a mess and gay panicking.

“You never told me the plan.”

"Oh." He almost forgot about it. "Have you ever tried to talk to your mom about it?" 

"About what?" 

"Her problem." 

Tadashi tries to pull away. "Are you crazy?!" 

“Tadashi, she has to know how you feel.” Kei tugs at his wrists, urging him to come closer. “We can’t force someone to get help, but we can tell her how much this affects you.”

“Kei, I would have done all that by now if it’d work.”

“Did you even try?”

“She’s never sober by choice.” Tadashi lets himself back into Kei’s arms. “It’s hard enough to take care of her.”

Kei laid his chin to rest on the top of his head. “I read online that confrontation can be difficult. It’s better to do it with someone else there in case she gets violent.”

Tadashi thinks back on his mother, drunk and yelling. “I don’t think she’ll hurt me, but she might just storm out or lock herself in the bathroom.” He shrugs against his chest. “She usually does either one when my dad argues with her.”

“You won’t be alone.” Kei squeezes him. “I’ll be there to help.”

Tadashi sighs. “She might be drunk when we get there.”

Kei peels away slightly, looking down into his eyes. “Then we’ll wait.”

_ This can either go really bad or really shitty. _

* * *

She drops a bottle on her bed, or whatever is shown from all the piles of clothes thrown on top. The bottle bounces back, rolling off the bed. There’s a small crack.

“Fuck.”

She kicks it over.

“God fucking shit.” She curses a few more words. 

_ Where the fuck is he? _

Her head throbs, tiny hammers stabbing nails deep into her skull.

“Hiro.” She says dryly, the word caught in the back of her tongue. 

_ Forgot he’s never home. _

She wants another beer, the sole escape of her fucked up life. 

_ God what I would do for another one. _

She sighs again, trying to stand up on her two wobbling feet. The room spins as she makes her way to the door, everything looked darker than she remembered. There hasn’t been working lights anywhere besides the kitchen.

There are a lot of stains on the walls, more than she last saw. She doesn’t look anywhere unless it’s the familiar end of a brown stained bottle pointing towards her face. Her husband is never around, not since he found out the truth. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She thought she could keep it a secret until  _ he _ wrote a fucking letter to them.

  
  


**November 8, 2002**

Hiro was sitting on an unbroken couch, clutching a bloody letter in his hands. 

_ “Before my last breath leaves, I need to confess something to you.” _

She was just about to start on dinner, realizing they were out of milk.

_ “The night before your wedding…” _

“Mom, I’m hungry.” Her son was clinging to the edge of her shirt, pulling down to get her attention.

_ “Your wife and I slept behind your back.” _

“Mom?” She didn’t dare turn around to see her husband’s distraught and broken face.

_ “She didn’t want to tell you, but when she found out she was pregnant, we both knew it wasn’t yours.” _

“Mommy?”

“Not now Tadashi.”

_ “I’m so sorry.” _

“Mommy!”

“I said not now!”

_ “Take care of them for me.” _

“Mo-”

_ “Please watch after my son.” _

“Shut up!”

  
  


She trips over her own feet, catching herself before her face meets the wooden cold floor. The floor felt comfortable, homely even. The edges of the floorboards were lifting, they needed to renovate around here, but never had the time. She had time, just never the help. 

“Damn it.”

Her hands ached, stinging from the sudden impact. There was a weak stickiness on the spot she fell. 

“Of course.” The beer bottle her husband threw hasn’t been fully cleaned. At least there wasn’t any glass.

The apartment condo echoed with creaks and groans coming from the floors and walls. It wasn’t old, it wasn’t nice and new either. When they first moved in, it was comfortable, perfect for a small family or a couple just moving into the neighborhood. Their living situation was meant to be temporary until they found a house to move into.

“Where is he?” She sat up, kneeling on the floor. The coffee pot was empty, the water tank was empty. The faucet is still leaking.

_ Drip. _

It was the first thing they noticed when they first moved in.

_ “The faucet hasn’t stopped leaking.” _

_ “I’ll fix it this weekend.” _

Weekends turned to weeks, turned to months, turned to years. Nothing was fixed since the first day.

“What time is it?” She squints at the clock emitting from the coffee maker, the numbers blurred together. Too tired to get up and turn on the light, she stumbled onto her feet, reaching out for anything close to help her up.

The chair squeaked underneath, nearly toppling over her. 

“Fuck!” She grounded herself, standing up as straight as she could. Her head throbbed painfully, her entire skull was on fire.

“I need another drink.” The only way to make the pain stop was to drink it away.

Her wallet was a bit empty, using up her month’s allowance again with cases of beers. Her husband would slap down some yen on the table.

_ “For you and him.” _

That’s all he would say to her when she was sober. She learned he talked to her more when she was drunk. Everything was confusing to her, her husband hates her yet still gives them money to live off of. He never talks to her unless it’s to scream at her with a bottle in her hand and a cigarette in his. 

He wasn’t a smoker. He hated it. He would complain how much the stench hurt his head whenever they visited his father.

She wanted to ask him, yell at him even, but she kept her mouth shut when he started coming home less. Things were let uncared for, unsaid and unthought of. Nobody bothered bringing up anything. Tadashi learned quickly.

_ Just like his father. _

She looked at her wallet once more, counting the yen as her head pounded. It was enough for a beer or two. The fridge was still empty, but Tadashi never complained. He would always tell her he ate at school or at a friend’s. He still looked lanky and tired.

_ Maybe he’s lying. _

Her thoughts stopped when her headache worsened.

_ I need a beer. _

And that was that. That was how she fixed her problems. That’s how she ran away. 

_ I don’t have a problem. _

She lied to herself, she didn’t want to see how badly she was hurting herself or the people around her. If her husband stopped caring, then why should she continue?

_ Drip. _

And just like that, she tossed the door wide open, letting it slam behind her. It was becoming a bit colder in the evenings.

_ I don’t care anymore. _

She knew deep in her heart, the light she once saw in the hallway would never come back. What was once a nicely lit home, was nothing more than a run down condo, walls soaked of rain and beer. The shadows from the corners in the dark consumed everything inside, her dreams faded to nothing. She was an empty pocket full of lint.

_ You will never be happy again. _

The last time she was truly happy….

Was holding her son to her chest, promising she’d be there no matter what.

_ I’m nothing but a failure. _

She told herself when the bottle reached her lips.

* * *

Tadashi observed his (boy?) friend, watching the strawberries in the container shuffle around in his hands. 

“You think it’ll go well?” He asks, feeling the cold sting the tip of his jaw. He wasn’t expecting anything, and that’s ok.

“Who knows?” Kei shakes the tupperware. “Maybe it’ll get through her.” He stops walking, looking up at the few stars above them.

Tadashi follows his line of sight. “Does it look like the stars are changing colors sometimes?” His hands grip the small carrier, Spinach resting inside a fake hollow log. They threw together whatever was left from the tank into a small plastic carrier, holes too small for him to escape. It was like a small tank, but Tadashi wanted a bigger one in his room. He wanted Spinach to have two good homes.

“Yeah.” Kei breathes out. “I like them.”

“Me too.”

Tadashi has half a mind to wrap his arms around the other, wanting to listen to his heart beat against his ear. He’s too scared. The tiny fear scraping against the back of his head.

_ What if I’m like my parents? _

“Tadashi?”

He looks to his side, watching the sky’s painting reflect on Kei’s glasses. The night always paints a different scenery every night. His favorites were when summer was passing, and the cold was starting anew. He liked the frosty feeling on the tips of his fingers, feeling frost bite his cheeks as he cuddles himself in the night under a single blanket. 

_ I love you too much. _

The stars shone red, pink, green, and blue. Changing colors as he blinks his cold dried eyes. If Kei was the night sky, Tadashi wanted to be his star. 

“I like you.”

His heart races, going on about a thousand miles per second. He opens his mouth, wanting to spill out lovely words to him. He wants to compare his eyes to jewels on a golden crown. Everything about him was beautiful. The world ceased spinning.

There was only Kei.

“You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted to let you know.” Kei looks down. “I know you might now think I’m being serious when I asked you on a date…” He trails off, watching the water go in between the cracks of cement. Someone was watering their lawn at this hour.

“But I am serious.” He begins, “I want you to know that I do have feelings for you.” He gulps down his anxiety.

“I want you to know that I’ll be here for you, as a friend or maybe more.” The fingers around the tupperware tightens. “Know that I’ll wait for the rest of my life for you.” 

Tadashi’s throat is dry, too scared to say anything without faltering to nothing but a whisper.

_ Say something! _

“Kei.” 

“Hm?”

He opens his mouth, ready to spill the words he’s been holding since they were 10. He was a rose bud coming undone, petals sprouting from all angles. He was the flower to Kei’s sunset.

“I-”

There’s a small burst of laughter echoing from the streets. His blood runs cold, the familiar crudely tone of self depreciative laughing makes him shiver.

“That’s mom.” He starts sprinting down the street, Kei calling out his name behind him. The cold wind stings the shell of his ear.

“Mom!” He clutched the carrier right to his chest, mentally apologizing for shaking it so much.

“Tadashi!” Kei chases after him. The strawberries rattled along with their hurried footsteps.

  
  
  


She laughs by herself on the edge of the sidewalk, the bottle sloshing around as she moves. The corners of her eyes drop a few tears.

_ Cheaters don’t deserve second chances. _

That’s what her husband told her after he came back home one night, ignoring her strings of apologies and ‘I love you’s’. 

_ He’s right.  _

She takes a swig from her bottle. 

_ You never loved him. _

She may never know what love is like.

_ I’m alone. _

Nothing can help her now.

_ It’ll always just be me and my alcohol. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ☾✩☽  
> -  
> how to recognize an alcoholic parent [here](https://amednews.com/article/20121015/profession/310159941/4/)
> 
> foster care in japan article [here](https://english.kyodonews.net/news/2020/02/a7b1c6c2c978-feature-japan-needs-foster-care-rather-than-institutions-uk-experts.html)


	9. the ballad of sara berry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You taste the silver, Sara! You taste the crown.  
> You thirst for blood from the roses in hand.  
> You spoil for sash and scepter, music to dance,  
> As they crown you Queen of High School Land.

The glass bottle hits the cement, the contents splatter against Tadashi’s ankles. His nose wrinkles from the scent. He’s always hated it.

“Fuck.” His mother cusses, words too slurred to understand. He wants to cry, break down and rage to his mother for hurting them both. His hands shake, wanting to grab her arm and take her home. 

His body doesn’t reply to its demands. Nothing moves. His breathing escalates, lungs aching and burning.

“Tadashi.” Kei whispers. “Breathe.” He takes the snake carrier from his hands.

Tadashi closes his eyes, counting up to 5 to breathe in, 4 to breathe out. He repeats it until his lungs are satisfied. 

His eyes fly open, determined and tired, but still willing to do what he does best.

Be the fucking parent to his own mother.

“Mom, can you walk?” He doesn’t move to touch her.

“I’m fffine.” She wobbles on her feet, trying to stand the best she could. The broken glass scrapes against the cement. Tadashi flinches at it. He hates the sound of glass breaking, but he also hates the sound it makes whenever it scrapes on the floor. It was like a fingernail being dragged down on a chalkboard. It makes his entire spine shiver.

“Can you stand?” He’s patient, almost like a mother when a child gets hurt. 

“Yeeah.” She propels herself with her hands, almost falling forward. Kei wants to help her. His feet frozen on the sidewalk. 

Before he could say anything, Tadashi flew by him, immediately grabbing her arm to pull her back. 

“I got you.” He leads her back to the sidewalk, watching her feet stumble. 

Her breathing is ragged. 

“We’re going home, okay?” He doesn’t wait for any confirmation. 

Kei watches in amazement and horror, the two mixing inside him. A part of him wants to scream and rant to Tadashi’s mom for being irresponsible and immature in front of her own son. A part of him doesn’t know what to do. 

“Kei, you coming?” Tadashi looks back at him, his eyes dull and tired. There wasn’t the spark he had earlier when Kei confessed or asked him to be his boyfriend. There wasn’t any light in him.

“Y-yeah.” He stuttered, finally taking a step. It all felt so foreign to him. It’s like he didn’t know how to walk.

_Get it together, Kei._

He told himself as he walked behind them, matching his footsteps with Tadashi’s. 

“We’re almost there.” Tadashi says. It was more directed toward his mom. His hand hovered on her arm. He didn’t want her to feel crowded and irritated. 

Kei was too scared to say anything. The soft rattles of strawberries hitting the plastic mixed with the shuffling feet. It wasn’t dead quiet as it was before. At least there were people still alive.

“Just stay still, okay?” Keys jingled through Tadashi’s fingers, the doorknob screeched as he turned it. It was rusty and stuck. Tadashi bumped his head on the door, breathing hard.

“Is it broken?” Kei asked.

“Everything here is.” Tadashi’s voice was viscous. Kei was taken back, he’s never heard him speak in that tone. It didn’t seem to suit him. He thought wrong.

“Mff, I need to go use the restroooom.” 

Kei looked at his mother, her hands fidgeted at the hem of her sweater. Her nose and cheeks were red. She looked almost like a child.

“Almost there.” Tadashi struggled with the doorknob, grunting as he pushed with his shoulder. Kei opened his mouth to offer help.

The door opened wide, Tadashi falling forward. Kei wanted to help but both of his hands were busy. He was debating dropping the strawberries.

It was too late. Tadashi grabbed onto the doorknob to stabilize himself, his shoulders slam against the door hard. He grits his teeth, biting his tongue from groaning in pain.

Kei’s breath is caught in his throat. “Tadashi a-” 

“I’m fine!” He bites out. His fists clenched the knob, he wanted to yank it out and throw across the street. No, he’s better than that. He’s not going to go ape shit and throw everything that pisses him off. He’s not like that.

He shakes his head, disorientated from the crash. 

“Cannn I go?” His mother tilts her head, slowly blinking at him. 

He stands up, ignoring the screaming pain from his shoulder and smiling like nothing ever happened. “Yeah. I’ll get dinner ready.” He tilts his head towards the entrance, waiting for her to pass by him and wobble to the hallway. The dark swallows her body until a small light from the bathroom gives off a yellow glow.

“Tadashi?” Kei can see the sweat glistening from the other’s face, he looked exhausted already.

“Come on.” Tadashi doesn’t look back. He can’t face Kei. He knows he’ll crumble if he does.

Kei watches him, his shoulder held by his hand, clutching it as pain strikes through him with every small movement. The door remains open for him. Tadashi continues going through, walking to the kitchen.

There were crickets chirping around Kei, the small buzz from the light in the bathroom flickers on and off. A small cold air hits his cheeks, stinging in its wakening. He gulps down his fears, taking his first step into the very house Tadashi hid from the entire world.

Tadashi doesn’t dare look back. He ignores every sound he hears behind him. His mother’s elbows hitting against the wall, Kei pulling back a chair, the strawberries knocking around in the tupperware as it’s dropped onto the table. He focuses on the measurements, the numbers give him satisfaction. Maybe it’s because they’re the only absolute thing in this chaotic world. 

The water rises up in the cup, watching the clear refreshing liquid reach to 12 cups. He promised dinner, but first he needed coffee. It was a restless day, going on with barely any sleep. 

Spinach slithers his way to a branch, climbing around it and watching Kei upside down. Kei wants to hold him, but his eyes are too busy trained on his best friend, watching his shoulder tense with every interaction. He didn’t want to say anything that could offend him. How is he supposed to help without seeming overbearing or making him feel like a child?

Kei knows it’s rude to use your phone when you’re with friends, unless you’re with Hinata and Kageyama. Then you make sure you do everything to ignore them, otherwise you’ll be pulled into a conversation that’ll wrap a headache around your head.

He unlocks it, immediately flipping the screen to the browser. There are tons of sites bookmarked, but none he needs at the moment. Kei presses the search bar on google, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.

…

_Oh god, what do I search up for?_

_Was he depressed? Of course he is, look at his house. He’s not having a panic or anxiety attack, unless he’s keeping it in? Oh god, if he’s hiding it and I don’t realize it, am I a bad friend? How could I be his boyfriend if I can’t help him through anything?_

“Stop thinking so hard. I can hear you from here.” 

Kei looks up, his phone drops to the rickety table. 

Tadashi passes him a frog shaped mug. 

“My mom bought you that.” His finger traces the rim. 

“Yeah, I keep it hidden from my dad.” Tadashi pours freshly made coffee in it. “We don’t have creamer or sugar. Sorry.”

Kei shrugs. “I don’t like them anyways.” He looks at the broken and cracked cabinets. “You have any cinnamon?”

Tadashi looks at the ceiling, eyeing a small stain. “I think so.” It must be new, he hasn’t seen it before. He looks behind him, a small jar of cinnamon stands lonely beside an expired can of tuna. 

“Thanks.” The cinnamon jar slides and almost tilts as it reaches a small ridge on the table. It’s uneven and old, what’s more to expect?

Kei flips open the jar, pinching the exact amount he thinks feels right and drops it into the hot mug. Tadashi passes him a small spoon to mix it in.

The sweet and spicy feeling burns his tongue, heating his throat up. 

“Never thought of putting cinnamon in coffee.” Tadashi sits across from him, his finger tapping softly against Spinach’s carrier. 

“I never liked it super sweet.” Kei takes a smaller sip, he doesn't want to put his mouth in any more pain.

“Cute.” Tadashi brings the carrier closer, opening the latch and scooping the snake up in his palms. Kei blushes, his heart thumping fast. If Tadashi thought he was cute, wait till he sees himself holding the cutest green snake ever. It was an adorable sight. Kei needs to take a picture.

He swipes at his phone, clicking on the small camera icon. Tadashi opens his mouth to ask what’s wrong until the camera is pointed at his face.

“Tsukki!”

Kei takes a picture. He cheekily smiles at him. “Wrong name.” He takes another one.

“Kei!” Tadashi whines.

“One more.” 

Tadashi brings up the snake in front of him, poorly hiding behind him. Kei wanted to melt into a small puddle. It was too cute for him. He could die.

He clicks the screen one last.

“Now that’s cute.” Kei snides.

Tadashi turns his head away, his cheeks getting redder by the second.

“I’m done!” They both looked towards Tadashi’s mother, her pajamas were slightly wrinkled and faded from overuse. Kei looks down in his cup, watching his reflection stare back. The small ripples forming a dark clear sky. There were no stars, at least not tonight.

Spinach was curled around Tadashi’s wrist, resting his head on the side of his thumb. 

“We got you strawberries!” Tadashi took off the lid, his mother seated in between them. 

Kei opened his mouth, the strawberries were for him in case he got hungry late at night. 

“Sorry, we don’t have anything else.” Kei couldn’t tell if Tadashi was telling him or his mother, but it could have been both. “The fridge has been pretty empty for awhile.” He smiles sadly, looking at his mother munching on the fruit. Luckily she wasn’t a messy eater while she was drunk.

“She’s too drunk to confront.” Kei’s coffee is warm now. He can take a bigger gulp without the pain.

“We could wait till morning.”

“We have practice.” 

“Before practice. That way in case she blows a fuse, we have an excuse to leave.” Kei didn’t like how easily Tadashi was able to say that. It seemed unnatural, almost like he’s used to it.

“Do your parents always get mad?”

Tadashi shrugs. “Usually dad starts the fights.” He turns to his mother. “You want coffee?”

She shakes her head. “I’m good.” She finishes half of the strawberries before yawning.

“You go get ready for bed.” 

She shakes her head harder.

“No? You want to do something?” He closes the tupperware. Spinach sticks his tongue, lightly tickling Tadashi. It’s at that moment Tadashi realizes his pulse has been speeding up. Kei was here with him and his mom, witnessing what happens every fucking night.

His mother looks at the ceiling, ogling at the new stain. She looks back at him. “What’s that?” She points towards his wrist.

“This is Spinach.” He lifts him higher to meet his mother’s wobbly view. “He’s a snake.”

“Ohhhh.” She moves her head to take a closer look. “Whose is it?” 

“Kei’s.”

“Kei?”

Tadashi nods his head towards the blonde. “His name is Kei.”

She looks at him. “I’m Sara.”

Kei looks at her. 

_She’s not Japanese._

“Hi.” Kei debates on shaking her hand or throwing a small wave to her. 

“Are you Tadashi’s friend?” 

Kei nods, licking his bottom lip. “I’m his boyfriend.” 

“Oh… cool.” 

Tadashi’s face radiates a bright red, his body on fire. He clears his throat to catch their attention. “We should get you to bed.” He looks at her, the slight motherly disapproval clearly showing.

_I wonder if he learned that from Suga._

Kei would snicker from his head imaging funny ideas, but Sara’s reaction got his attention. 

“I don’t… want to.” She turns her head, pouting.

“Sara.” Tadashi’s was stern. “It’s late. We need to go to bed.”

“Mmfine.” Her shoulder sags. “What about Hiro?” 

Kei perks his head, confused and curious. 

“He’s not coming home tonight.” Tadashi looks at his wrist, softly petting Spinach.

“Why not?”

Tadashi closes his eyes.

_Don’t let him get to you. You’re not like them._

Anger has been his worst enemy, right next to his father. He’s seen it control them, creating someone he never wants to be around. People say they create monsters, people lose themselves in a rage. Tadashi disagreed. 

His father wasn’t a monster.

Right?

“I miss him.” Sara laid her head on the table, tiny pools of tears gathered. Tadashi sighed, knowing this is going to another long night.

He untangled Spinach, laying him to rest in the carrier. “I’ll sing you a song if you get ready for bed.” 

Kei blinked. 

Tadashi can sing?

“You can sing?” He stands up excitedly, his chair knocking back. “Oh shit, my bad.”

Tadashi giggled. “Is it that surprising?”

Kei turned to fix the chair, his butt knocking the table. The cup teeters, almost favoring a side. Kei reaches a hand out to stop it from falling forward, the chair slips from his hand and hits the floor.

“Fuck!”

Tadashi and Sara laugh, their joyous lighthearted laughter fills Kei’s ears, a fusion of something sweet, something hoarse. They were two opposites of a coin, Kei can see that much. Sara didn’t have freckles, she had birthmarks on her neck and arms. Kei looked over to Tadashi, a tiny birthmark on his collarbone. 

He can feel a sweat drop slide down the back of his neck. Why is it so damn hot?

“Uh.” Kei was too scared of breaking anything.

Sara let out a tired yawn, her arms stretched out on the table.

“You’re tired.” Tadashi pulled her chair, stopping when she didn’t move to get up. “Come on.” He pats her back, slightly encouraging.

“I dun wanna.” She whines after another yawn. 

“I’ll sing your favorite band.” 

“Okay!” She abruptly stands up, the back of the chair squeezing into Tadashi’s stomach. The air leaves his body for a few seconds. Kei sidesteps to help him out but almost collides into Sara, he steps back and trips on the chair still lying on the floor.

“Fffffffu-” Kei doesn’t get to finish. His back stings and his right ankle throbs in pain. 

Tadashi is on the floor across from him, his shoulders shake. Kei is on the brink of panic.

“Tadashi, are you alright?” He scrambles to sit on his legs, his ankle shooting painful spikes up to his knee. “Ow.” He groans, resolving in sitting on his side. It still hurt.

“I’m fine.” Tadashi’s wavered, he takes a few deep breaths and looks up at Kei. He doesn’t last more than 3 seconds. He cracks up.

“What the-” 

“I’m sorry.” Tadashi stifles his laugh, snorting in the process. It was cute. “We’re just a mess, aren’t we?”

Kei’s face is frozen. How did they get there?

_We’re both clumsy._

He sighs, his foot finding some stability. There’s a small brown stain underneath his fingers, leaving them sticky.

“What’s this?” 

“What’s what?” Tadashi sits up, his head moving to the side. “Oh.”

Kei’s ankle stopped hurting.

“My dad threw a beer bottle there. I guess I forgot to clean it up.”

"Do you have any bleach?" 

"No."

"How about dish soap?" 

"Ah, maybe under the sink? Wait, you’re not gonna clean it, are you?”

Kei puts his hands together, pressing his palms hard. The sticky residue left was anything but satisfying.

“Yuck.”

“Sorry.” 

Kei turned to him. “It’s not your fault. Knowing you, you’re never this messy.” He made his way towards the sink, the knobs were hard to turn. Tadashi snickers behind him, his hand snakes from under his arm, turning it with ease. 

Kei is not blushing right now. Kei is not blushing. Kei-

is blushing. Hard.

“You doing okay there, buddy?” He can hear his friend’s smirk.

“Shut up.” Kei mutters. The sticky rinsing off with cold water.

“Tadashi!”

“I’m coming!” The hand lingers on his waist, squeezing it lightly before pulling away. Soft taps behind dissolve to nothing.

_Curse his cuteness._

Tadashi’s hands felt itchy, begging to grasp something.

“Mom?” 

Sara’s hands held a picture, one she thought she threw away years ago.

“Mom?” He called out, almost saying her name.

“Have I ever told you about your father?”

Tadashi’s throat clenched, air struggling to pass through. He’s familiar with the feeling, the cold spikes prickling into his skin. 

_Just breathe._

“What about him?” 

_Which one?_

“Your real dad.”

_Ahh. That one._

“What about him?” He asks again.

Neither of them were fazed.

“You remember your 6th birthday?” Her voice, raspy and slightly slurred, was somewhat soothing to him. 

“What about that day?” He can’t remember why that specific date.

“Your dad passed away two days before.” Her fingers trace along the edges, feeling the dull corners. “He left a letter for Hiro.” She sighs, tossing the picture onto his futon, her hands felt around the rough fabric.

Tadashi stayed silent.

“He wrote about us, about the night he and I slept together.” Sara stands on her feet, stumbling along the way. Tadashi makes a move to help. She lifts a hand to stop him. 

“And?” He pressed on, he was almost afraid of what she might say.

_Please don’t hate me too._

“He asked Hiro to watch after you.” Her hand drops, looking through the cracked window. “And he kind of is, but of course that also meant he stopped loving me.” 

Tadashi wants to see her face, wants to see something. Anything. Hurt, crying, angry, anything. He wants to know if she has feelings besides being drunk.

“I found out he’s been with another woman, to be honest, I’m not surprised. They were dating before I came along and snatched him.” 

“And dad?” He dares to ask.

“He made me feel loved. I was just a trophy to Hiro. Some hot foreign girlfriend the little shit wanted.”

He winces at the insult. 

“Your dad taught me what my self worth was... at a cost.” She turns to look at him.

His breathing almost stops.

Almost.

“It’s too late now, isn’t it.” Her right eye, glassy and wet, drops a tear.

Tadashi shakes his head, violently. “It’s not!” His voice cracks. “We can get you help.” He runs across, taking her cold and clammy hands. “I know a doctor that can recommend us to a therapist or something, but it’s not too late.” 

Time was running out. 

“ _We_ can get help.”

That’s what it felt like to him.

Sara yawns. “I’m sleep.” She drops to her knees, rubbing into the harsh woods. She’s too drunk to notice the pain, but Tadashi feels his own knees hurt just by watching her.

“G’night.”

Tadashi listened to her heavy snores, he didn't count the seconds. He’s sure he’s been standing there for probably a few minutes, but it felt like an hour.

_What just happened?_

He notices the photo being crushed under her. He slowly creeps towards her. His footsteps barely make a noise as he leans over her, too scared to even breathe. He feels the picture between his thumb and finger, pinching it a little hard, pulling it.

He stops when his mother shifts. He counts from 5, trying to pull it free. When only the edge is left under her, he yanks it out and steps back quickly. 

Nothing.

She doesn’t notice.

He takes a chance and quickly paces out the room.

Kei still scrubs on the floor, the sticky residue was gone, but the stain still stayed. It was annoying him.

“Dang it.”

“Kei.”

“Hold on.” He scrubs harder.

“Kei.”

“Almost there.”

“Kei!” Tadashi hisses.

Kei looks up at him.

“Tadashi, you’re shaking.” He stands up, dropping the sponge. “What happened?” He takes an arm, slowly leading them to the living room. What he wasn’t expecting was for the sofa to give away when he flops down.

“Oh, the sofa’s broken.”

“Fucking hell.” Kei rubs his backbone. “Is everything here broken?”

“Pretty much.” Tadashi sits himself down, avoiding the bounceless springs. “Mom was holding onto this.”

“What is it?” Kei waits for him to hand it over.

“It’s my dad.”

“Which one?”

“My real one.”

And it was. It was a handsome man.

“Who’s this?”

“Hiro’s brother.”

“Hiro?”

“Mom’s husband.”

This was beginning to get confusing.

“He has freckles!” Kei points out, he brings the photo closer to them. Their breaths mingled together, tickling their lips. 

“He does!” Tadashi leaned in closer. “He has an ahoge, too!” He giggles.

“He does.” Kei sees the resemblance, there’s a lot about them that are similar. The way they stood awkwardly next to people, the freckles and hair. Even the broad goofy smiles. 

_He really is his dad._

“This makes so much sense.” Tadashi leans back into the hard cushion. 

“Normally, teenagers have trouble accepting these kinds of things, but you… you don’t seem bothered.” Kei makes a good point.

“I guess…” Tadashi spies a new stain in the ceiling. “I guess it’s cause I never felt attached to my dad. He’s always been this angry scary guy living under the same roof.” 

“Huh.” Kei kept staring at the photo, taking in every detail. He almost doesn’t recognize the background. “Is this the beach?”

Tadashi glances from the side. “It looks like it.”

“It’s the one we went to, the one we took a pic together.”

“The one that’s on the wall?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Oh yeah, it is.”

Their heads tilt at the picture.

“Wow.”

“Small world.”

Kei hands the picture back. “How’d you get this?”

Tadashi thumbs the edges, playing around with them. “She was talking about him, in the room.”

“Like actually talking?” 

“Yeah, she talked like she was sober.” 

“That’s weird.” Kei takes his phone out, sifting through his bookmarks. 

“I don’t know how that makes sense.” 

“Alcohol works in strange ways.”

The sound of springs under them makes them nervous.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

“This sofa is freaking me out.” Kei thought it was rude to say.

“Me too. Let’s move.” He takes it back. 

Tadashi sits himself at the table, dragging the carrier forward.

“Okay, Spinach, come here.” He lifts the lid. “Oh.”

“What’s wrong?” Kei looked over his phone.

“Spinach is missing.”

“What?” He jumps out of his seat, frantically taking the carrier and moving the branches and bowls around. “Oh shit.”

“Oh fuck.” Tadashi joins in. “He could be anywhere.” He sits on his knees, searching around the corners of the kitchen. 

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck.” Kei kept cussing, moving the cushions and sofa around. 

Tadashi settles for the rooms while Kei looks around in the bathroom.

What he wasn’t prepared for, was seeing how broken down the entire house was. Glass and tiles were cracked everywhere he looked. If he was some type of poet, he’d make metaphors and similes comparing them to the family living in it.

“Tadashi?”

“What is it?” Tadashi ran to the door, his chest heaving and hurting. They’ve been searching the house for a while and Spinach was still nowhere to be found.

“Why is everything broken?”

Tadashi shrugs. “My mom usually locks herself in the bathroom during her drunken state.”

“And breaks everything?” Kei can’t believe how much goes on.

“I guess.” Tadashi turns back. “I’m gonna go back to look in her room.” 

Kei nods. His hands roam around the walls, feeling every sharp edge in the cracks created. He looks around for anything blunt or heavy. 

_His mom can’t just do this with her fists, she’d break them._

He feels around for anything behind the toilet and the back of the cabinet under the sink. Nothing.

“Strange…” He looks at the mirror, dingy and dirty, he’s barely able to see the color of his hair. “How the fuck do you live like this?” The shock is almost too much for him. 

_People actually live like this. There are others out there that are in this situation… And worse._

He reflects back on the way he’s seen students act peculiarly or out of focus, he thinks on what could be going on at their home to act out.

If there’s a switch for common sense, he can feel it click on.

_I couldn’t possibly have known this because this all happens behind closed doors._

“Fuck.” He slams his fist on the counter, the entire thing shakes from the impact. 

_This hurts._

“Kei?”

“Huh?” 

“He’s not in the room.” Tadashi bites his bottom lip.

“What about your room?” Kei’s heart pangs with hurt. Every hit against his chest makes him feel worse by the second. 

_There’s no way I could have known._

_It could have been worse if I hadn’t decided to help him._

“I’m kind of scared to look.” 

“Why?”

“She’s sleeping. I don’t want to disturb her.”

Kei lifts himself off the counter, gently putting his arms on Tadashi’s waist. 

“She has to wake up eventually.” He pulls him in close, their chests almost touching. 

“It’s too early.” Tadashi shifts, too afraid to be too close. Kei might be able to feel his raging heartbeat.

“We have to talk to her, Tadashi.” Kei takes a risk, fully collapsing on Tadashi. He’s forced to wrap his arms around Kei, holding him up as best as he could. “You know the truth about your dad, now you need to tell her the truth about you.”

“But I’m scared.” Tadashi mumbles into his shoulder, the weight beginning to sink in. “Kei, you’re kind of heavy.”

“That’s the point.”

“Wh-”

“You can only take so much before it all falls apart.” Tadashi couldn’t hold him up anymore, his knees gave away.

They were holding on to each other, their knees hitting the cold floor. It stung, it was uncomfortable, but they still held on.

“You’re right.” Tadashi pulled away. “I’d probably fall apart and give up.”

Kei cupped his face. “You don’t have to do this alone. I told you.”

Tadashi’s world was on the brink of falling apart. He’s been alone for so long, letting the world beat him up. The weight of his parents, school, volleyball.

_Kei’s right. There’s only so much I can hold before everything around me crumbles._

“I numbed myself out, thinking it would make everything better.” 

Kei can see his eyes change, the color darkening into two deep pools of sorrow, the missed light dulled to a faded glow.

“Tadashi, you need help.”

“I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

Kei rubs his thumbs over Tadashi’s cheeks, attempting to soothe him. “Aren’t we all?”

“You? Not so much.” Tadashi smugly says.

“Me?” Kei sneers. “You have no idea what you do to me.”

Tadashi’s face glows red under Kei’s hands. It makes his heart swole. 

“Shut up.” Tadashi murmurs under his touch. His body gave in to the small massage. “Takeda-sensei did give me a number.”

“A number?” Kei stops his movement.

“For some doctor to test if I have anxiety.” Tadashi takes Kei’s hands into his, squeezing them over and over. It was reassurance, but for him instead.

“Are you going to call?”

Tadashi shrugs. “I wasn’t.”

“Wh-”

“But I think I will.” He seemed so small, so scared. “I don’t want to deal with this on my own. But I can’t just go to you everytime. I want to be able to do things by myself, too.”

Kei understands him, he may not mind helping Tadashi out all the time, but he definitely doesn’t want to discourage him from self growth. 

_It’s a process._

He nods. “So you’ll call him then?”

Tadashi looks at him, the tiny sliver of light sparkling in his eyes. “Yeah.”

Kei opens his mouth, ready to blurt out the three words his brain screams at him.

“What the-” The boys whip their heads around, looking at Tadashi’s closed door to his room.

“Mom!” Tadashi scatters from their position, feet slamming the wooden panels. 

“Why is there a snake?!” Sara hugs a corner of the room, watching a smooth green snake slither on the futon. 

Kei sighs in relief, his body goes slack, tired from hours and hours of searching.

“Spinach!” Tadashi skips over to him, falling on his knees. The side of his palm touches the snake. Spinach wraps himself around his wrist, his head falling onto the middle of his palm.

“What the…” Sara’s eyes are bloodshot red, heavy eyebags and hair sticking out. “You got a snake?” 

“Well, yes and no.” Tadashi runs a finger down the snake’s body, mesmerized at the cool touch. “He’s ours.”

“Ours?”

“Oh, this is Kei!” He waves a hand over to the blonde, patting the seat next to him on the floor. “He’s been my best friend since elementary.”

“I see.” Sara still eyes the snake, her face contorted with disgust and restlessness.

“Hi.” Kei awkwardly waves a hand.

“Hi.” Sara doesn’t reciprocate. Not surprising though. “So you two own the snake?”

There’s two silent nods.

“For school?”

They shake their heads.

“Oh god, please tell me it's not a pet.” She pleads.

Tadashi licks his lips. “He is.”

“Ohhh.” She groans, her head hitting the wall behind her. 

“How are you feeling?” Kei bites his cheek, he’s nervous and exhausted, but he needs to know.

“Tired.” Sara doesn't look at them, her eyes closed. “Hungover.”

“We need to talk.” Tadashi’s courage spikes through him, he’s not sure if Spinach is making him too comfortable or having Kei by his side makes him feel he can take on the world. Whatever it is, he wants to do this. After his talk with Kei, he realizes something important.

He and his mother need help.

Desperately.

“Now?” Sara whines, her eyes finally meeting him. She pauses, noticing the seriousness in his face. She sits up, groaning as her knees pop. “Can we go in the kitchen instead? This futon is hard as hell.”

Tadashi looks over to Kei.

“Okay.” He looks back to his mother, his heart batting in his chest. Kei just watches everything, he can’t interfere. This is Tadashi’s feelings being expressed, not his own. But if he has to say anything, he’ll make sure he protects Tadashi no matter what.

* * *

Sara looks into her cup, the dark liquid moving around. She feels a small tremble from the table. Someone was shaking their leg like there’s no tomorrow. It doesn’t take a brain to know her own son was battling himself.

She waits for him. Knowing this might turn into something really shitty, or really really shitty. Her mind racks around for more expressive words, but she’s too tired to think straight. Coffee should have helped, but her son’s anxiety was making her own spike.

“Mom?”

She looks over to him. 

“I’m…” He stops. His words tangled in the back of his tongue.

She waits patiently. She would never yell at her own son. Maybe her poor excuse of a husband, but is it his fault when she had betrayed him on the night before their wedding. She deserved to suffer, but not her son. Never her son.

“I’m worried.” 

She raises an eyebrow.

“About you.” She watches his eyes flutter to his friend, who nods at him to continue.

_How did it end up like this?_

Her life in the US wasn’t perfect, it was happy and fun at times, but her life was nowhere near as good as she hoped. She was popular in school, boys would grovel on their knees. Nothing like that ever made her happy, there was always something missing. 

She was invited to go on vacation to Japan with her boyfriend at the time. Although they broke up when they literally landed. It didn’t hurt, it was just stupid. She was alone, walking around till she found a bar.

That’s when everything changed.

She met him, she met Hiro.

It was nothing more than a small fling, a tiny window of interaction and eventually a newfound friendship on the brink of turning romantic. They kept contact for a while when she returned, but when he invited her over to spend a week, she couldn’t say no. 

Now she wishes she kind of did.

Sen was there. Hiro’s brother. His sweet, calming, mysterious brother. Everything about him was beautiful, his handsome features and shy personality. Every time she looked at her son, she could see him.

Maybe that’s why she couldn’t ever bring herself to despise him like Hiro did.

She loves them both.

Maybe.

Maybe just her son this time.

“I’m sorry. I just-” Tadashi cuts himself off, his hands grip the edge of the table. 

“Tadashi…” Kei nearly whispers. “You can do this.”

Tadashi only nods, his entire body trembles, anxiety punching his body with doubts and fears.

“I’m worried…” His voice wavers with every painful second. “That you’re hurting yourself when you drink.”

Sara fully turns to look at him. Tadashi looks away for a moment, terrified to look straight into her eyes.

“I’m scared for you.” His face turns ghostly pale. “I’m scared you’ll never come back home.”

She breathes in, she feels like her lungs collapse from the guilt eating her away.

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” 

Her fingers twitch on her lap. She watches her son take in a deep breath, finally looking at her with the same sincere worried face she missed so much…

“You’re my mom, and I want to help you as much as possible. But…” He clears his throat. “I have to take care of you, some nights you’re too drunk to even brush your teeth, and some nights you lock yourself away from me. I want to help but I can’t keep doing this.” His voice cracks. “I just-”

“Tadashi.” Kei barely breathes out. “You got this.”

Sara looks back and forth, every beat in her heart hurts more and more. Her head spins, confusing feelings and thoughts mix and muddle around. 

“I just want my mom.” His face breaks, tears burst from his hurting eyes. 

And just like that, everything clicks.

_I’m such an idiot._

Kei bites himself, his cheek, tongue, lip. Everything to keep himself intact. He watches the person he loves crumble.

Tadashi wipes his tears, frustration threatening to turn into anger. He knows better than to scream out and slam his fists down. 

“I know a doctor that can help us. I can’t force you to get help, but I need it.” His breathing stutters, taking in gulps of air in between sentences. 

_It hurts._

“I don’t want to be a parent to you.”

_It hurts a lot._

“I want you to be a parent for me.”

Sara opens her mouth.

“I can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it seems like there's no plot in this fic, and sometimes i lose myself writing each chapter.  
> it's a journey, a long one. i myself am still going through it.  
> i guess, in a way, this fic is a way for me to vent. each chapter holds a memory i stored, hoping it'd disappear. but life doesn't go that easily.
> 
> anyway, sorry for the wait. i had to declutter my room and had endless therapy appointments due to some mental health issues.
> 
> please take care of yourselves.  
> ╪  
> how to approach someone with alcohol use disorder [here](https://www.healthline.com/health/most-important-things-you-can-do-help-alcoholic#approach)
> 
> Alcohol and Drug Abuse: 800-729-6686  
> ╪  
> if anyone wants to talk or needs someone to listen to your problems, i'll try my best.


	10. itsy bitsy spider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout  
> downed all the beer to drown the voices out  
> up came the sun and brang back all the pain  
> so the itsy bitsy went out to drink again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psa: don't resort to alcohol. i can tell you from experience, it doesn't solve your problems.  
> more info on substance abuse [here](https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/atod)

“What do you mean you can’t?” Kei stands up, not feeling guilty for letting the chair fall sideways. He’s angry at her words, but angrier for her not even looking at her son in the eye. It was for a split second, she wanted to say something, but retreated.

“You can’t what?” He presses on, urging her to say  _ anything _ .

“I can’t.” Sara repeats.

“Can’t what?” Kei’s fists slam onto the table, fury screamed through his knuckles. The impact left small waves of pain spreading to his wrists. The table goes through all sorts of abuse, he wonders what happens when Tadashi’s father is around. How the table was still standing on all fours and wobbling around here and there, how long will it last?

_ How long will Tadashi last like this? _

“Kei! Calm down.” Tadashi gasped out, his breathing was uneven, panic was struggling it's way out. He didn’t want it to spill in front of everyone. 

Kei shakes his head, furious. “You can’t be a parent? Is that it?” His hands fly to his sides, emphasizing his words.

“It’s nothing like that.” Sara can’t tell if she’s lying or bullshitting her way out.

Is there even a difference?

“Then what is it? Cause you sure as hell haven’t given him any answers.” 

There’s a drip from the faucet, each time it hits the bottom of the sink. Tadashi looks back at it, watching the small reflection of colors of their shirts fall along with the drop. A black spider makes its way towards the top of the faucet spout. 

His head whirls around, for every step the spider took, his breath would be louder than the one before.

Everything was  _ so  _ loud.

Too loud.

His body was giving in, there’s a swirl of shadows enveloping him, grabbing at his ankles and pulling him down to his shoulders. They were like long fingers, dragging their nails into him, forcing him to choke on bad memories.

He can’t feel or hear anyone.

He was all alone.

The spider reaches the top, making its way to the spout’s entrance.

A small drop captures the spider, crashing down it until a small  _ thump  _ is heard. A cold air hits the back of his body, tickling the bones in his back. His breathing stutters.

The yelling, blocked out by the creepy sight, he returns to his seat. The familiar sound returns, every drip reverberates through his chest,

_ Thump. _

He can barely breathe.

_ Thump. _

His head feels foggy.

_ Thump. _

The colors around him are muted.

_ Am I here right now? _

His heartbeat ten folds, the  _ thumps  _ turn to  **bangs** . A wrathful monster brings its fist, avoirdupois and wrathful, bashes on his door. He can feel his body push back against, each slam splits the wood apart. He’s terrified, legs frozen while wood chips stab at his hands, crush against the door.

_ Please. Stop. _

“Stop!”

Tadashi finally opens his eyes, the word leaves his throat feeling hoarse. Who knew a single word can leave you so overexerted? 

“Tadashi?” Kei makes his way around the table, bending to his side. His hands squeeze Tadashi’s thigh, the tremors shaking the table ceases. “What’s wrong?”

Tadashi tries to maintain his breathing, his head pounding, trying to keep himself from falling apart. The seams in his head finally snap. 

“What’s  _ wrong _ ?” His breathing intensifies, angry huffs in between each sentence. “Everything is  _ wrong _ !” 

Kei blanches. “Tell us.” He whispers. 

Tadashi takes a careful breath, as if the whole world before him will crumble if he breathes too hard.

“Why?” 

“Wh-” Kei cuts himself off when Tadashi brings a hand up to stop him. He squints his eyes to his mother.

“Why?” He asks again.

Sara visibly swallows, the back of her throat churns. “Why what?”

“You know  _ what _ .” 

She breathes deeply through her nose, exhaling through her teeth. The cold bites at them. She licks her dry lips. “I just can't.”

Kei wants to call bullshit. 

“Specify.” Tadashi demands. Kei decides to stay quiet.

“I don't think I can be there.” Her fingers pinch the handle of her mug, swirling the leftover cold contents. “I'm not a mother type of person."

Kei bites his tongue, vexed at everything she spiels. He can feel his right eye twitch, a sign of irritation. When the going gets rough, sometimes you just want to take a bat and clobber a car or window, anything that’ll crack and smash into pieces.

If he had a bat, he’d want to smash the walls of this place. But it’s not  _ his _ home, it’s Tadashi’s. And he would never want to take it away if he wanted to stay.

“Because you failed as one?” Tadashi’s voice cuts the edges of Kei’s caged heart. If he gets too close, will he bleed? Or will Tadashi?

Everything revolved around him, even in his world, Tadashi was always a part of it. He wonders when he managed to worm himself, even when the walls around his heart were chained.

“I failed in being a person overall.” Sara’s recoils. “I can’t be there for you.” She shakes her head, the drink teeters as she lets go of the handle haphazardly.

“Would you try?” Kei’s hands unintentionally squeezes harder, making Tadashi’s leg jerk. The injury he caused himself the morning before was forgotten, but the pain is invisible, always lurking. 

Sara doesn’t say anything. She lets the coffee settle at the bottom. 

Tadashi slides his hands underneath Kei’s, quietly sighing from his release. 

“Probably not.”

“Probably not?” Kei stayed quiet long enough. “What does that mean?” He bites out. The chains were too tight, constricting him. He couldn’t breathe.

“Kei.” Tadashi warns him, but he chooses to ignore it. He’s trapped on a web again. 

“Hold on.” He presses his fingers to the back of Tadashi’s palm. “I just want to know something.” If he moved slowly, he could find a way out.

Sara sighs, a small groan under it.

“Probably meaning most likely?”

Sara rolls her tongue across her bottom lip, feeling cracked and gross. Beer makes you dehydrated, the nasty aftertaste never leaves her so it seems. She wants to go and brush her teeth.

“I suppose so.”

“Tadashi has people that can  _ help  _ you.” He stresses out the word. “You can get help.”

_ Things can’t end like this. _

“Don’t be stupid, kid.” Her head lolls back. “It’s not worth it.”

“What the-?” Kei wants to rip his ears out. He’s dragged back onto the web, the chains clashing as he’s pulled back.

“Kei.” Tadashi pleads. He looks at him, an unsaid argument between two hard stares, neither refusing to let down.

So Kei takes a shot. “Why do you do this to yourself?” 

Tadashi opens his mouth to interject.

Sara roughly grabs the cup, standing from her seat. Her actions under watchful care of two teenage boys. She drops the cup, surely forming cracks around the rim. “I drink because I have nothing else going for me.” The cup rolls around, slowing down as it reaches the drain. 

It teeters for a bit, finally finding a place, smacked in the middle of the sink. “A place to escape from my failures.”

“It’s my sole paradise, always waiting, always welcoming.”

She spots a black spider, climbing up at the end of the sink. Two of its legs are dragging behind it.

_ Dragging your own deadweight eventually becomes too heavy.  _

She knows how that feels, she’s been there. Still there. 

“Even if death awaits, it’s not something I can easily let go of.”

Its body grabs the faucet’s body, desperately clinging on, the weight was too much for anyone to carry. Even for her.

“You're only failing yourself by doing this.” Kei adamantly says. 

It was just a spider.

“Tadashi is at an age where he can take care of himself.” He continues. “Yet he has to take care of you.”

Sara was just a person. 

"Don't you think you both deserve the help you need so you two can take care of yourselves better?" 

_ Control _ .

"You can stop…" 

No.

“I don’t want to stop.”

She was just a broken bottle left behind in the street.

* * *

_ Deserted. _

Tadashi watched Spinach scoot himself to a corner, soaking in the street lamp’s light.

_ Neglected. _

His middle finger pushes into his thumb, the nail digging in, giving him some relief. He can still feel pain.

_ Rejected. _

He’s still alive.

_ Discarded. _

He can think of many synonyms, he considers himself a walking thesaurus when the time arose.

_ Dumped. _

Kei is good at English, but Tadashi excelled in Japanese literature.

"Well that went fucking great." Kei crudely states. 

"Don't curse." Tadashi didn't put any effort into his scold. Maybe he felt the same way. 

"Hm." Kei cracks open his can of tea.

“There’s nothing we can do.” Tadashi announces to no one yet it felt like the whole world was listening to his twisted reality show. He tries to focus on watching Spinach curl in himself, slithering until his head is buried beneath him. His thoughts were too loud to focus on anything. 

“No.” Kei’s tea clinks against his teeth. “We can try again.” He offers the drink to Tadashi.

“If she doesn’t want it,” he takes the can, the small indent he created cools down, “then we shouldn’t push her.”

Kei lays back, his back hitting the wet grass with a squeak. “Still can’t let her get wasted all the time.”

“Yeah.” Tadashi finishes the tea, the cold drink leaving him with the spot-on  _ Ahh _ feeling. He needed it badly. “Maybe I could hide her beer.”

“That might work if she doesn’t freak out.” Kei clicks his tongue on the side of the cheek. 

“I don’t think so.” Tadashi lets the can roll out of his hand, the ground welcomes it. “She sounded a bit strange.”

Kei watches him, his hand making its way to wrap around Tadashi’s tired wrist. He tugs at him, hoping he’ll crash on top of him.

He sort of gets his wish. 

Tadashi lets his head rest on top of his chest, each beat of Kei’s heart was a second more to losing his fucking mind.

“What was strange about her?” Kei runs a hand through his hair, the tips of his hair tickles under his thumb.

“Everything.” Tadashi squints, eyeing a light at the last house on the block. “I wonder if she thinks she can control it.” The light goes out.

“Control?”

“I’m the same way.” Tadashi admits, his hand taps restlessly on Kei’s ribs. “Sometimes a sense of control gives you some sort of high.”

“Huh.”

“I wonder if she realizes that she's using alcohol as a coping mechanism."

"Most alcoholic abusers don't."

"Most or some?" 

"I don't know the facts." Kei stops brushing his hair, sliding down to massage his neck. "Sorry you had to listen to us argue."

Tadashi pokes his side, smiling when he flinches. "I'm more shocked you didn't run away when you first saw her drunk." 

"Yeah, well it'll take a lot more than a drunk mom and angry step-dad to get rid of me."

_ Step-dad. _

_ That’s new... Not really. _

He pauses, hand gliding down to feel Kei's stomach. "So far for first impressions."

Kei huffs a small laugh, his chest rising along with it. The sound tickles Tadashi's ear, pressing further into him, the sound of a calming heartbeat relaxing him. Everything around him was dead silent, the harmonious music his body was falling into.

He was absolutely smitten with it.

"It could've been worse." Kei's fingers stroke the nape of his neck. 

"How so?" 

"She could have screamed and ran out." His hands trailed lower to the top of his back, his fingers splaying out. The hot skin made his insides turn into a pond.

Tadashi stretches his hand, tapping Kei's elbow. "She's not the type of person to do that."

Kei unfolds his arm, letting their fingers weave through each other. "Then what is she like?”

“She’s…” He can hear the funny noises coming from Kei’s stomach. It makes him pause and smile. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“It’s been awhile.”

“Since?”

“She was rather silly and playful. Every birthday she’d take me to the pastry shop and would always rub some type of frosting on my nose.”

“That sounds... cute.”

Tadashi snorts, moving his head to look at Kei. “Not as cute as your birthday when you shyly ask for a hug.” He sticks his tongue out.

Kei’s cool drops from a puddle to a waterfall full of embarrassment. “Hey!”

“What?”

“Stop teasing.” Kei half-whines, his chuckles vibrating to Tadashi’s ear. The sound was like a deep acoustic guitar strumming. “Well, I think you’re cute.” 

Tadashi didn’t dare stop his smiling, his cheeks hurting. There were moments like these where he wished to bury his happiness. The wind blows the scent of freshly cut grass, a few blades tickling along his legs. They dig under his thighs, a small feeling of needing to scratch it.

“Grass always makes me itchy.” He snugs his head on his chest, taking in everything. The last streetlamp’s light goes out, Spinach rustling around in the carrier. Kei made sure to fully close it, keeping an eye on him.

Who knew snakes would love to wander around so much?

That’s a problem for the future. 

“Lay on top of me.”

Tadashi’s face feels hot. “No!”

“What could be more embarrassing?” Kei pulls him up closer, their eyes meeting when Tadashi finally looks up. “I saw you naked, I’ve seen it all.” Kei lets himself brush his thumbs across Tadashi’s cheek, stopping at a cluster of freckles under his tired eyes. A light blush blooms on his cheeks. 

He drags his fingers over and over. He didn’t see the blush darkening, his eyes fixated on the cups of black coffee staring right back at him. 

He prefers this coffee more than the one he had prior. This one was much sweeter, with a hint of spice.

There was barely any light. The moonlight was fading away. A sign the sun was making its way across the horizon. He held back a groan, eyes were sulking a dark color around them. The lack of sleep was going to bite their ass later.

“That’s true.” Tadashi muttered, the warm feeling helping his weary eyes.

The last night’s light fades to a lighter blue.

“Tadashi?” 

“Kei.” He watches the pale sky lighten their sullen faces, fatigue emanating. 

“You’re amazing.”

Tadashi lets himself rest in between his hands. The touch making his heart putter like raindrops.

“Kei?”

“Tadashi.”

“You’re so mushy.”

Kei sputters a laugh, his stomach hurting. “I wonder why…” He trails off, looking down to Tadashi’s slightly chapped lips. His ears thump from his raging heart, every second he leaned in closer, Tadashi following after. 

Their breaths are hot on their mouths, just a sliver of space left in between them.

“This is so sweet.” Tadashi’s neck felt extremely hot.

“Suga!” Daichi reprimanded him. 

“What?” Suga snickered. “They keep doing this in front of us, of course I’m gonna embarrass them.”

“You’re like a hovering aunt.”

“Not even a mom or second dad?”

“No, an aunt.”

Kei sighed, his head falling back on the grass. “Swear there’s no such thing as privacy with him.” He muttered under his breath.

Tadashi nervously chuckled, untangling himself from Kei’s grasp. Kei reluctantly let go, knowing what’s to come next.

“Are you two ready for practice?” Daichi tossed the ball with a hand, watching two exhausted teenagers lift themselves up. “Woah…”

“You two look like sh-”

“Suga.” Daichi raised a leg, kicking Suga’s behind. 

“Ow! Daichi!” Suga jerked forward, his cheeks red and tongue twisting. “Wh-” Incoherent words babbled out of his mouth, too flustered to say anything.

“Behave.” Daichi looked at the two first years. Kei looked at the sky, the early morning sky reflecting off his glasses. He can see the dark bags on his eyes, neither of them looked like they had any sleep. 

“Did you guys get any rest?”

Tadashi focused on a small ladybug, chewing on the only long piece of grass left uncut. The black spots were carelessly splattered on its back. Ladybugs weren’t his favorite, he found them strange after looking up facts for a school project. In parts of England, people called them ‘bishops’. In Russia, they were called ‘God’s little cow’. He smiled a little, the funny name for tiny beetles made them all the more bizarre.

“No.” Kei cracked his neck. His voice coming out like a vinyl record being scratched on the player. It was unordinary and surprising.

“Are you alright?” Suga took a step forward.

Tadashi’s body went rigid, his hands clutching the wet grass and soil. 

_ Mom. _

He wishes he could forget everything that’s ever happened. Some days you want time to rewind. Some days you wish you could skip and forget.

Today he wants the latter.

“Fine.” Kei shrugs, eyeing Tadashi breathing hard, his eyes closed. It was unnerving watching him put a facade on for the sake of others. He wants to take his hands and tell him it was alright to let it out, but knowing how stubborn they both are, it wasn’t easy.

Suga knows, somewhat. But Daichi has no idea.

Suga doesn’t step any closer, watching Tadashi’s shoulder tense and lets go. He repeats it, his breathing follows the finger tapping on his knee. He sets his own pace to follow.

“We’re ready.” Tadashi starts to stand, his knees almost giving away. “That is if my legs wake up.”

Kei cracks a grin. “You were literally on top of me, how is that possible?”

Tadashi throws a small punch to his shoulder. “Shut up.”

“Stop flirting! God, you two make it unbearable.” Suga teases.

Daichi spins the ball in between his hands. “Says the one who won’t tell me who they like.” He whistles, trying to keep himself from laughing at Suga’s tomato-red face. He had to admit, he likes it more than he should.

“Ugh.” Kei groans, his back cracking at every movement as he stretches. “I’m not ready for practice.”

“Shame.” Daichi holds the ball under his arms. “Cause we have a lot ahead of us.”

Tadashi and Kei grumble, unwillingly following their upperclassmen through the playground. The sky looked brighter, clear of clouds and birds. Squirrels run on the telephone wires, pausing to look at them.

“It’s too early for this.” Kei yawns.

“Maybe if you guys didn’t ditch, you’d be having a relaxing weekend.” Daichi comments.

Suga sticks his tongue out behind his back. 

“I can see you, Suga.” Daichi doesn’t turn back to look at him, smirking as Suga stumbles. 

“Can’t do anything around here…” Suga murmurs, lagging behind to walk along next to Tadashi. “How are you two holding up?”

Tadashi yawns. “Could be better.” 

“Ah.” Kei stops walking. “We didn’t bring any extra clothes.” He shoves Spinach into Tadashi’s hands, bolting down the street. “I’ll be back!” He calls out.

“Okay…” Suga turns to Tadashi. “So?”

“So?” Tadashi echoes.

Suga rolls his eyes, bumping his shoulder to his. “You and Tsukishima, eh?” He teases.

“Oh.” Tadashi clutches the carrier to his chest. “Uhh.”

“Hm?”

“Suga, stop bothering him.” Daichi pulls him back from the shoulder. 

“But I just want to know.” Suga whines.

Tadashi giggles, watching Daichi and Suga argue back and forth. Suga has good points, but Daichi always has the last word. He doesn’t miss the way Suga’s eyes adore the captain, the small blush on his ear. The way his hands linger on his shoulder for a second more. Daichi turns to him, tilting his head.

“What’s up?”

Suga huffs, crossing his arms. “I still think we should tell them.”

“We are not giving them  _ the _ talk.” 

Tadashi wants to hide in a cave. Luckily, there’s footsteps behind him, recognizing them. 

_ Kei. _

“Tsukki!” He turns around, a wide smile plastered on his face.

Kei abruptly stops, admiring him. Daichi looks back and forth, raising an eyebrow.

“Tsukishima?” He waves a hand in front of him.

“Huh?” Kei’s mind finally picks up the puzzle pieces. “Oh. Uh. What?”

“I asked if everything is okay, you kind of just ran without telling anyone.”

“Oh, he said he didn’t bring spare clothes.” Suga bends to look into the carrier, his eyes looking under the branches and leaves. “What’s in there?”

“Spinach!” Tadashi excitedly brings the carrier closer to Suga.

“Spinach?...” Suga squints. “You put a vegetable in a pet carrier?”

Kei smacks his forehead. “No, you dummy, it’s a snake!” He fastens the gym bag’s strap on his shoulder.

“Oh!” Suga finally spots the tiny snake under a few leaves. “He’s cute!”

Daichi pulls him back by the collar. “Why didn’t you tell me why he ran? I thought he was trying to get out of practice!”

Suga chuckles, sweat building on the back of his neck. He loves to look at Daichi’s eyes, but he was way too close. “It didn’t come up? Besides, he’d never leave Yamaguchi.” 

Daichi sighs, letting him go and shoving the volleyball into his hands. “Alright, the gym is open for a bit.” He flings out the keys from his short’s pockets, tossing them up and catching them. “We can only use it until the workers come. Something about waxing the floors, but it should be enough to make up for friday.”

Tadashi and Kei are okay with that.

“However, you did skip school so Takeda is going to be there to lecture you.”

Nevermind. Things are not okay.

“He said he kind of knows why Tadashi didn’t come to school. Something about a doctor?” Daichi looks at him.

Tadashi thinks it over fast. “Yeah, there’s someone I needed to see for something. I’m just really nervous about it.” He hopes that’s enough to drop the subject.

“For?” Daichi’s fingers go through the small key ring, twirling the keys counter clockwise.

Tadashi bites his lip. 

_ Anxiety. _

He can’t seem to say it.

_ It’s literally one stupid word. _

He can’t even move his mouth.

_ Say it! _

“Anxiety.” Kei’s voice crashes against the voices in his head.

Daichi upbraids. “You shouldn’t just blurt it out without his consent, Tsukishima.” His eyebrows scrunched together, feet tapping on the ground. 

“No, it’s okay.” Tadashi’s fingertips turn white, the pressure around the carrier causes them to be squeezed into the holes. “I have to get tested for it, but doctors always make me anxious.” 

Suga tosses the ball to himself, hitting the hilt of his palms. “I think it’ll give you some answers.” He stops, letting it stay perfectly in his hands. “Don’t you think you deserve to do what’s best for you?”

Daichi stays quiet, his hands letting the keys jingle in the air come to a halt.

“Maybe.” He’s shocked hearing Tadashi’s mood shift into something… else. It was like a gloomy fog creeping in between them, trapping him in a cage.

He shivers, keys jingling around his finger. “Ya-” Kei shakes his head at him.

_ Let him speak. _

He nods.

“I do want answers, if it weren’t just me getting help.” Tadashi continues.

Suga lowers the ball. “But you can’t depend on others to grow on your own.” He tilts his head. “What are you waiting for?”

Tadashi chewed on his bottom lip, watching Spinach unfurl himself, making his way towards the water bowl. He paused, looking up through the top, straight into his eyes. 

He knows if he waits, things may progress and not for the better. If he doesn’t, he can get the help he needs. 

_ Should I do it without her?  _

He could wait for her, he could try again.

_ She needs me. I need her. I can’t leave her alone, I can’t- _

Do an intervention but better this time. He could hide the bottles, throw them out behind her back. Pour the drink down the drain. Drown the spider crawling on the sink.

No one killed the black spider, he forgot he was supposed to put it in a cup and let it outside. He could have saved it, knowing his dad, he’d smash the thing into pieces. 

Tadashi likes bugs. Some are quiet, deadly. Some are loud, peaceful. There are those mixed in between, or on opposite sides. The complex variety amazes him. 

_ She can’t. _

He watches Spinach slither up the carrier’s wall, it’s tongue slips out. 

_ She doesn’t want to. _

He didn’t know anything about snakes, the colors on their scales glimmers. Tiny tongues lapping at the water, shedding out of yesterday’s skin. 

They were cute.

Spinach is cute.

Tadashi decides he likes snakes.

“No one.”

* * *

Sara looks at the spider, watching it slowly drag its body to the spout. Hardly clinging on, it enters the hole.

The front door's knob rattles, pushing hard until it slams open.

The water consumes the body, falling faster than the drips that haunted her nightmares.

The heavy scent of smoke and cologne singes the hairs in her nose.

It goes straight down the drain.

A high pitch voice cuts her, the spike's around her body piercing, leaving her to bleed there. Desperately clinging onto the counter, wishing to be a drop of water falling endlessly down a hole.

And never comes out.

_ I need a drink. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what to do if an intervention fails [here](https://dualdiagnosis.org/interventions/what-do-i-do-if-an-intervention-fails/)  
> -  
> "what's the worse that can happen?" she looks at me, tired eyes and oily hair. her husband off at work early. but i knew, he's just fiddling with the boss. the guilt shows when he sits at the table, staring off into his plate. "they say no?" 
> 
> "yes." i let the word sting the tip of my tongue. bitter. like copper.
> 
> not everyone gets a happy ending.
> 
> the scent of dad's cigarette on my shirt stings my nose.
> 
> not everyone gets to wake up from their nightmare.
> 
> not even me.  
> 


	11. freeze your brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linoleum aisles that I love  
> To get lost in  
> I pray at my altar of slush;  
> Yeah I live for that sweet frozen rush...
> 
> Freeze your brain  
> Suck on that straw  
> Get lost in the pain

Are you holding in your breath? Did you unclench your jaw? Perhaps you haven’t eaten anything all day or forget to drink water. You should do that, at least a small snack. 

It’s okay to take your time, these kinds of things are hard. I know there are moments in life where you feel like you’re trapped in a cave, your own voice echoes and screams back. There doesn’t seem to be a light… Well for a dark cave, there isn’t always one.

Not unless you come prepared, but can anyone ever be?

“Achoo!” Tadashi dropped the ball, bouncing off his foot and rolling across the gym.

“You sick?” Suga wipes the sweat from his neck, his arms are red and splotchy.

“No, are you allergic?” 

Suga looks down. “Oh! Yeah, I’m allergic to cats.”

Tadashi curiously glanced over. “When were you near a cat?”

“I slept over at Daichi’s…” Suga trailed off, his eyes hovering over the captain. Daichi stood tall and straight, his arms raised, swinging back hard. The serve barely touched the net.

“Nice try.” Kei was snarky. There was no bite behind his words, he was tired and grumpy. 

“Oh, hush.” Daichi scoffed, laughing at the end. “You have terrible serves.”

Kei stuck his tongue out. “Bite me.”

Tadashi chuckled, taking the bottled water to his dried lips. It was humid, sweat dripping from their foreheads. He let the water bottle swish in his hand, the water dripping from his lips hit the tips of his shoes.

“Tadashi?”

He turned around, bottle squeaking as he sucked on it. 

“What’s up?”

Suga poked his side, making him squirm. “Are you okay?”

Tadashi freezes. There’s an invisible wind pressing a sharp kiss against his neck. The teeth drag along down his spine until his feet turn cold.

“Woah, are you cold?” 

He shakes his head, his mouth clenched tight. The grinding of his teeth hurt the back of his mouth. There’s another sneeze sneaking up behind him, forcing his body to crack in half.

“Tadashi?” 

He waves his hand, sneezing into his elbow. “Sorry, I guess I’m just tired?” He uses the collar of his shirt, rubbing his nose.

“Hm, did you two get any sleep?”

He shakes his head. “No.”

Suga doesn’t ask any further, his eyes drifting over to two bodies smacking a ball back and forth. Daichi snickers, laughing at Kei’s glasses continuously falling off as he spikes the ball over. Setting for yourself isn’t the same, but he prefers it over Kageyama anyday. 

“Close, but not hard enough.” Daichi’s strong arms receive Kei’s serves and spikes perfectly. He was the castle walls Tadashi always envied. He wonders if Daichi ever crumbled; has his walls ever reached the end? Fragments of memories and feelings shattered beneath his feet.

“Tadashi?”

“Huh?” 

“What’s wrong?” Suga flicks the edge of his ear, laughing at Tadashi jumping, giggling at the finger tickling for a second. “Don’t tell me you’re too busy ogling your boyfriend?”

Tadashi squirms. “No!” He wipes the sweat off around his neck. “I could say the same to you.”

Suga stutters. “Shush, you!”

“Tadashi!” Kei calls over, his chest heaving up and down. A sweat drop glistening as it runs down the side of his face. Tadashi had a tiny warm feeling bubbling inside, there’s a familiar atmosphere whenever he’s around the blonde. The reflective orbs in his eyes, tender and reserved, made his arm fill with goosebumps. 

There’s a wanting, longing to be in his arms. Tadash can’t find the right words to explain what he was feeling, but it started recently. He can’t remember when, it just sort of happened.

“Tadashi?” Kei was stepping closer.

Tadashi made his way over to the other side of the court. “Sorry, heads up in the clouds.” He nervously laughed, knowing this wouldn’t convince him, but he had to try nonetheless.

“So, today we’ll-”

“We have to practice  _ more _ ?” Kei interrupted Daichi, earning him a few giggles from the co-captain.

“Tsukishima, you and Yamaguchi have  _ lots _ of catching up to.”

“But the cleaners-”

“Won’t be here for another two hours.”

“Ugh!”

Suga whispers over, “He’s like a rebellious teen with insane hormones.”

“I am a teen!” Kei throws his hands in the air.

Tadashi snickers behind him. “I wonder if the raging hormones part is true.”

Kei turns around, face bright red and eyes on the brink of watering. “Shut up!” There’s no bite, he laughs after, his laughter sparkling and smiles through tired eyes. Tadashi couldn’t stop giggling, everything about Kei being happy made it contagious. 

Tadashi was always respectable of distance, he didn’t realize how soon it lacked as years went by. He can hug him whenever he wanted, though he never tried, always fearing the other needed his space at all times. There was hesitance on Kei’s side, he was pulled back like strings on a puppet. He was only hanging by a few strings.

Akiteru’s incident left him shattered, broken. Kei was like the glass painting, admired from a distance. A simple breath could shatter him, that’s not to say he was fragile, it was just easy to annoy him. But not Tadashi. Tadashi could never annoy him.

“Hey! Cut it out.” Daichi’s words went over their heads. 

Suga started chuckling behind him, watching Daichi lost at words was more than enjoyable. “It’s okay, Daichi. Let’s just let them go for today.”

“But-”

“Trust me.” 

“Alright.” 

Kei’s footsteps echoes Tadashi’s, watching their shadows behind them collide and form into one. He likes the exhilarating flickers of his heart, the back of their hands brushing. Their shirts are sweaty and gross, legs are dead tired. Fatigue catches up to them as their feet continue to drag them towards Kei’s house.

Spinach’s carrier is empty, his body cools a thin part of Tadashi’s wrist. He giggles breathlessly, eyes tracing the lines between each scale. 

“He’s so smooth.” 

“He’s a smooth green snake.” Kei’s tongue feels strange. The missing feeling around the edge as if he was licking into an empty tube, searching for more. 

“I know, but he’s just so cute.” 

Kei’s footsteps cease, the gears turning in his head comes to a halt. He smacks his fist onto an open palm. “Oh!”

“Oh?” Tadashi was a few steps ahead, turning around. “What’s wrong? Did you forget something?”

Kei shakes his head, troubled etched on his brows. “You don’t have a nickname.”

“No, but I don’t need one.”

“Nonsense.” Kei won’t have it. “Let’s think of one.”

Tadashi looks up at the piles of clouds left in a feathery trail. “Nothing too sappy, I hope.”

Kei smirks, “Not at all.”

“I don’t like this.”

“Bumblebae.”

Tadashi keeled over. “No!”

“Sweet rose?” A thin line of blush trickled over Kei’s face as he spoke. 

Tadashi cutely scrunched his nose. “Too gushy.”

“Raindrop.”

“I like that.” A small buzz in his head made him dizzy. “But why do I need a nickname?” His very own nickname, and a cute one at that. 

Kei takes a few steps, his hand taking the empty wrist. “I thought it was a bit unfair I got one, but you didn’t.” He presses a small smile onto a plot of freckles on his forearm. 

“You didn’t have to… I don’t mind.” Tadashi looks everywhere around him, focusing on a weed growing from under a fence. He feels a tendency to pull it out, ripping the roots out of the holy ground where other flowers bloom on the other side. 

“I want to.” Kei pulls away. “You’re my favorite raindrop after a storm.”

Tadashi’s vision blurs a little. “Shut up!” His head falls forward onto Kei’s chest, moving along rolls of his deep laugh. His entire face feels hot.

“Sorry, raindrop.”

“Oh my god, Kei it’s so embarrassing.” 

“I think it suits you.” Kei wraps his arms around his shoulders, the snake squirming in between them. His lips felt a little dry, licking them quickly before kissing the hair to the side. He could be cheesy and pull away to kiss him on the lips. 

“You came up with it fast.” Tadashi’s chin lifts, a tiny kiss on Kei’s neck. He doesn’t dare miss the red flushing from it.

“I uh, no reason.”

“I wasn’t asking for one.”

Kei pinches Tadashi’s cheek, pulling them slightly. “Shush, or I’ll bite you.”

* * *

“Take a shower, I’ll get the clothes ready.”

Tadashi slinged off his shorts, the metal buttons hitting the floor. “Oh, I didn’t bring any boxers.” 

Kei shrugs. “I have an unopened package you can have. They’ll be yours when you’re over.”

“Why do you have them unopened?” Tadashi tosses his clothes into the hamper, watching them hit the bottom with a  _ plap _ .

“Christmas.”

“It’s August?”

“Christmas.” Kei didn’t allow further arguments, the lack of evidence was evident but ignored. “I’ll leave the clothes on the counter.”

“Don’t look!”

“Nothing I haven’t seen.”

Tadashi groans, his head smacking the tiles. The water sprayed on his back, hitting every relaxing point he could think of. He blinked the water as it hit his eyes, looking through blurry drops. The shower head wasn’t anything like his. The one at home was old; he wonders if everything around the house had to be replaced.

“Kei?”

There were rushed footsteps on the other side of the door.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you have to replace the shower head every year?”

Silence.

“Yeah, twice a year.”

“Really?”

“Is something wrong? Is it broken?”

Tadashi reaches out a hand, cupping the water. He lets it overflow, pouring out his hands. 

“No, I was just wondering.” He lets go of the water. “Why twice a year?”

“A change of water pressure usually means it’s dirty.”

He closes his eyes. “They get dirty even though it’s just water?”

There’s a small thump on the door, the voice behind is lower. “Water sits in the pipes until use. Sediments form as the water settles.” 

Tadashi hums a little, running his hand through his hair. He likes the foamy soaps coursing through, giggling as it tickles outside of his ears and nose.

“All shower heads have a small screen that catches them.”

“What’s them?”

“Calcium.”

“Ohh.” His eyes still closed, feeling the soap rush down his face and neck. “Kind of like toilets.”

“Yeah.”

The knobs turn with small squeaks. “I never knew.”

“Did you wash thoroughly?”

“Yeah.” Tadashi closes the bottles, placing them back on the shelves. His hair feels heavier, large drops of water slaps against his shoulder blades. “Do you think I should grow out my hair?” The mirror was a bit foggy; he didn’t use hot water this time. 

“You’ll look good in anything.” There was a sincere tone behind that sentence. It made his stomach fill with tiny caterpillars, tickling him inside as they crawl.

“I see.”

He really doesn’t.

He felt light, better even. His shirt was big, flowy at the hem. The tiny cuts on his thighs healed greatly, despite throwing himself when diving for the ball a few times.

“Ready to get your ears pierced?”

“My what?” Tadashi looks over, his mouth slack. The small compact mirror drops on the bed. “I’m getting them done today?” His voice cracks at the end.

Kei lifts up the shiny pairs of strawberry earrings. They dangle freely in between his fingers. His other hand waves his phone, a location already pinpointed in maps. The blue line traces along town into a small tattoo shop.

40 minutes.

“Don’t tell me you forgot?”

“No…” Tadashi swipes the earrings out of his hand, letting them roll around his palm. The pointy parts stabbed his ring finger, nervously laughing. “I just uh, didn’t think you were serious about it.”

“Raindrop, I bought them for you.” Kei says to prove a point. The nickname made his knees weak, turning into jello. If it were literal, he’d for sure ooze into the ground and never return.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over that nickname.”

“Good, now let’s go.” Kei wraps his hand around his wrist, dangerously close to tangling his fingers together. 

“Wait, wait.” Tadashi pulls back, the heels of his feet drag. “Hold on.”

“You can’t back down now.”

“No, I’m not. I just need to do something first.” He scampers off to the room. Kei waits for a few minutes.

Then 2.

3.

4.

5.

Kei gets suspicious, he hasn’t heard much movement. There’s a sudden panic that hits him, flurrying off to the room to see Tadashi petting a sleeping snake. 

He was stalling. 

“Tadashi!”

“Spinach needs me.” Tadashi whines. 

“Oh for the love of-” He yanks his hand out of the tank. “You got me scared.”

“Scared?” 

“I don’t know, I just assumed something went wrong.” 

“In your own house?”

“Someone could have broken in without a sound.” 

“Or I could have escaped.” Tadashi thinks of the flowers below the room's window, he didn't want to obliterate them. 

“Nice try, but we’re doing this today.”

“Wait-” He pulls back. 

“Come on, Tadashi.”

“What if it looks bad?”

Kei pauses at the bottom of the stairs, the pulse under his thumb quickens.

“Raindrop?”

Tadashi hesitates. "I just… What if everyone hates it and I get bullied for it."

The backpacks being forced into his hands, colliding hard against his face as he grabs a handful of sand for comfort. The images come back to his head. 

"Wear them with pride." Kei brushes his hand on Tadashi’s upper arm, the sleeves riding up. “You have freckles on your arms too.”

“Huh?” Tadashi peeks under his shirt, the splay of freckles scattered on his chest. “Oh yeah, I got them from my dad.” The bittersweet tinge made him rub his tongue on his bottom set of teeth.

“Cute.”

“What?”

“What?”

“What was that?”

“What?”

“Ugh!” Tadashi shoves Kei away playfully, laughing as he stumbles back, arm coming into contact with a vase.

“Oh sh-”

“F-”

The aqua vase smashes into too many pieces for them to count. Kei’s heart shrivels up in fear, the entire scenario replays in his head; mentally scolding himself for not acting sooner. The entire thing felt like it was in slow motion, wondering why he couldn’t just reach out and grab it in time.

_ Is this what death feels like? _

“What happened?” Akiteru comes running down, his feet meeting together and tripping over the last few steps. “Ow.” 

Tadashi held himself back, not wanting to laugh while what once was a vase was on the floor in pieces.

“Uh, I broke the vase?” Kei’s voice faltered at the end, trying to stop himself from laughing at his brother in shambles from a few missteps.

“I see.” Akiteru groans, his back cracks as he stands. “What happened?”

Tadashi opened his mouth, the scene played back over and over. “It’s my fault, I-”

“I fell back and tried to grab the vase for leverage.” Kei swooped in.

Tadashi was more than unhappy at the lie. Just how many lies did Kei have to make for him? 

“No, that’s not what happened. I pushed him and he bumped onto the table stand.” 

Akiteru is stuck looking side to side, unsure who to believe. He could believe his brother, but that would be unfair since he’s family, and family comes first. He could believe his brother’s boyfriend? Wait, are they together yet? Didn’t they have a date today?

Oh.

“Wait, don’t you two have a date?” 

“What happened?” Kei’s mother's shrill voice made them jump, their eyes darting between the vase and her shocked expression. “Oh my god, not grammy’s urn.”

“Her ur-” Tadashi felt the life be sucked out of his lungs, his throat squeezed tightly.

Kei reacted quickly. He laughed.

“Kei! This isn’t funny!” His mother scolded him, grabbing onto a tray and broom to pick up the pieces. “This is your great grandmother!”

“Are you mad?” Akiteru shook his brother’s shoulders, watching his broad smile turn into a deep frown.

“I’m fine.” Kei wipes his eyes. “Everything seems to be going terrible today. I thought it was funny, that’s all.” He looks past his older brother’s shoulder, spying the freckled face scrunched up behind his hand.

“Terrible?” Akiteru turns to his side, watching Tadashi chuckling. The tense atmosphere lifted, everyone was in a better mood watching him untangle his nervousness into crumbs of joy.

Tadashi sniffs, his chest hollowed out of breath. “Sorry, it’s been a rough week.” He mumbles, feeling his cheeks sting.

Kei’s mother shakes her head, laughing along. “No worries, dear, sometimes all you can do is laugh at life’s face.” She passes the broom and tray onto her sons. “Clean up, you two. Tadashi and I are going to have a chat over tea.”

Kei bites his groan back, watching his mother’s hands lightly pushing Tadashi towards the kitchen. She’s careful with him, knowing every movement is attentively watched by her son.

“Tadashi?”

He looks up from his rose colored cup, the petals swirl at the bottom. The smell of roses makes him unwind the heavy tension his entire body packed away. The suitcase of emotions unzipped.

“You look tired.”

He nods. “Kei and I haven’t slept.”

The soft tap of water from the sink ceases. He looks around, the clean white tiles and counters, dishes stacked away neatly behind cupboards. Fridge full of pictures of her two sons growing up. There’s none of Kei and Akiteru in the same picture around middle school. 

Of course, they weren’t on speaking terms until recently.

“How are your parents?”

Tadashi’s fingers slide around the hot ceramic cup, the sensation leaves a scathing burn, not enough for permanent damage. It does keep him grounded, despite it hurting.

_ Nonexistent. _

“They’re fine.”

_ Anything but fine. _

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

His eyes fall back to hers.

“What do you mean?”

“You look like you carry the world on your shoulders.”

Isn’t that the truth?

Tadashi wants to shove the hot liquid down his throat.

“I guess, in a way, my whole world is falling apart.” He unwraps his hand, glancing back at the blondes fussing over the broken glass. “But at least I have someone in it with me.”

He hears a soft giggle. “That’s good. Kei feels the same with you.”

Tadashi turns back, the color on his face darkens. “I uh, thank you.” He takes a quick sip of the hot tea, letting the liquid sit in his mouth until it burns. There wasn’t much else to say, aside from the awkward stutters he knew would come out. It’s a satisfying feeling, knowing your best friend’s world has you in it.

It’s selfish to think the world revolves around a single person. Tadashi grew to create his own, always alone in it. He was let into Kei’s after the devastating rift Akiteru had caused, but with things slowly sewing back together, for once, Tadashi can finally breathe a bit more. 

“You ready?” The liquid of the cup disappears. 

“Yeah.” 

“I’ll drive you two to the shop.” Akiteru offers, no one complains or brushes him off. Kei lets him pat their backs, pushing into the car. The fight for shotgun stops when Akiteru points out Tadashi would be lonely in the back.

It was a silly bout.

Maybe Tadashi can rebuild his world.

* * *

“What are you getting pierced, Tadashi?” Akiteru tears his gaze away from an article of someone piercing their hips. He’s afraid of needles.

“Ears.” 

“You don’t sound excited. You scared of needles?”

The sound of a machine buzzing makes him yelp. Akiteru started to laugh.

“Aren’t you afraid of needles, Akiteru?” Kei cuts him off.

Akiteru’s mouth is wide open, betrayal hits him hard. “Kei!”

Kei shrugs, smiling. “Just saying.”

Tadashi is on the side snickering. “Akiteru, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re not getting a tattoo. I can’t imagine having to carry you back home.”

His eyes flit over to an older man holding back his tears. Everyone is terrified at something, usually, but today all Tadashi wants is to get it over with. He’s excited for having a piercing, never thinking that he’d actually ever get one. He’s seen tongue and brow piercings on men, but never earrings. 

The first time he saw Terushima, he knew that there were no rules in fashion. 

“What made you want them?” He looks over to Akiteru tapping a finger to his knee, a simple grounding technique. 

_ Right… I should call that doctor… _

“Kei and I were joking around at the mall.” He took out the strawberry earrings from his pocket. He feels a small chill coming from the AC above them. The hoodie was at home.

“Oh, those are nice!” 

“Kei bought them.” He couldn’t stop his smile after saying that. He felt like he was a boyfriend being spoiled. In a way he was.

Akiteru caught on. “Kei, how come you’re never that sweet with me?”

Kei sneers. “Get a girlfriend? Oh wait, any time you make a move on Saeko, she runs.” 

“You little-”

“Yamaguchi?” A man with two sleeves full of cryptic tattoos walks over. “You ready?” 

Tadashi nods, standing upright in a robotic fashion. He can feel his joints rubbing together awkwardly.

“Ya nervous?” The name ‘Kyle’ on his nametag flashes as he sits.

“Yeah, I’ve never done this before.”

Kyle’s voice is raspy, homely. He fits two gloves on. “First time for everything.” He sanitizes the needles, thoroughly rubbing alcohol wipes around each instrument. 

“Does it hurt?” Tadashi gulps.

Kyle takes his time cleaning. “Not really. It’s like a pinch.”

A pinch? Sounds doable.

“So what made you come here rather than some jewelry store?”

Did Tadashi come to the wrong place?

“Oh uh, my friend says it’s safer here.”

“Your friend is smart. It’s safer using a needle than a gun.” Kyle takes a hand out, showing him two plain silver earrings with balls at the end. “We’ll use these to put them in, after a few weeks, your ears should be healed enough to use whatever you want. Unless you want them stretched out?”

Tadashi shakes his head as soon as the question was asked.

Kyle chuckles. “Alright, my buddy will give you some cleaning solution but if you ever need more, just use salt water.”

Tadashi shifts in his seat, watching Kyle carefully place the needle steady among his fingers. 

“Can I close my eyes?”

“Sure.” Kyle takes a sharp breath, marking the middle of Tadashi’s lobe. “If there’s anything wrong, don’t hesitate to speak up.”

“Okay.” Tadashi’s eyes burn when he closes them, sleep scratching behind his eyelids. The slight pain reminds him of a fever. He can feel himself dozing off until a hard pinch catches him. His eyes remain closed, slightly flinching from sudden impact.

“You good?”

“Yeah.” Tadashi takes a deep breath, focusing on the scenery of a bridge. “Just surprised me.”

Kyle chuckles. “Warnings make things worse.”

Tadashi agrees, listening to the river underneath him. The fish splash through the water, louder as his other ear is pierced. The pain is dull, almost extinct. 

“All done!”

Tadashi cracks an eye open, staring at himself in the full body mirror before him.

Oh…

They look…

“Woah.”

“You like them?”

Tadashi’s finger grazed the lobes of his ears, enthralled with how pretty they looked.

Correction: how pretty they looked on him.

“I love them.”

Kyle wipes down his workplace, discarding the plastics. “That’s what I love to hear.”

“Woah.” Kei drops his phone onto his lap, his mouth wide open.

“Exactly what I said.” And of course, Tadashi is oblivious.

“You look good.” Akiteru helps Kei close his mouth. “Ready to go eat?”

“Oh wait, I need to pay.”

Kyle shakes his head. “Your friend already did.”

“Kei!”

Kei looked away, his phone shoved into his pocket. “Let’s go already.” He waits by the door.

Tadashi gently wraps his hands around Kei’s arm.

“Man, I wish I was smooth.” Akiteru mutters from behind.

* * *

Tadashi couldn’t help but smile, watching the Tsukishima brothers constantly go head-to-head over every little thing. It was heartening, filled with whipped cream and strawberries. Kei was sweet and gentle, but when Akiteru would try to get close, he would turn into the stubborn troubled teenager. 

Daichi was right.

“Kei, maybe let Akiteru play?” He could feel his heart jump when Kei pouted in defeat.

“Fine.” Kei grumbled, letting Akiteru sit in the booth. 

Tadashi doesn’t like to boast, but he is rather good at fighting arcade games. Kei was amazing at video games, but when it comes to battling against his friend, it was much easier stealing candy from a toddler blind.

“Ready to get your butt handed?” Akiteru tosses a coin to him.

Tadashi presses it into the coin slot, the bell chimes from the tv. “Say your prayers.”

The beeps and boops fill Kei’s ears, watching Tadashi’s face glow different colors from the monitor. His hands pocket the small solution bottle to clean his earrings, the cool plastic under his finger tips. He rolls it around his palm, nails tracing the embedded expiration date at the bottom.

“It’s strange, isn’t it?”

Kei jumps.

“Where’s Tadashi?”

Akiteru thumbs around the corner, Tadashi playing some rhythm game with drums.

“You lost?”

Akiteru huffs. “No…”

Kei waits.

“Yeah.”

He smiles, teasing him. “Knew it.”

“Oh hush, you lost too.” Akiteru sits on the high stool next to him, the bar was closed today. They didn’t open till later at night.

“What do you want?” Kei takes his hand out, kneading a sore spot on his elbow. Maybe practice this morning took more than he thought.

“You’re looking.”

“Duh, it’s what you do with your eyes.”

“At Tadashi.”

He clears his throat. “What are you getting at?”

“I can see the way you look at him, Kei.” 

“And that is?”

“You’re in love.” 

It doesn’t take a genius to know that. 

“Congrats for stating the obvious.” He tried to shake it off like nothing. 

“And congrats for not asking him out yet.” 

“I have.”

“And?”

“I would have my answer if Suga would stop cockblocking.”

Akiteru chokes on his spit. “That’s hilarious.”

Kei can feel his cheeks burn. “Shut up! I don’t see you getting a girlfriend.”

“Hey!” 

Tadashi can see from afar, the way the brothers interact, slowly patching their relationship. The words echoed against his ears.

Pride.

Where was his pride? Would he have to suck up the anxiety and make an appointment? Would he come to regret it?

And his mom…

“No, Tadashi, don’t think about her right now.”

_ She didn’t think of you when you talked to her. _

There’s a sudden sting, heart clinging to a thin thread of hope. If he holds it too tightly, it might turn to dust, if he holds it too loosely, it’ll fly away.

_ Control. _

“Fuck it.” He takes out his phone, reading the time over and over as a mantra. Courage builds on his thumb, swiping to dial in the numbers.

_ Can’t control everything. _

_ “The number you reached is not available at the moment.” _

Oh, it’s late. 

“Man! I worked up the courage to call only to have it backfired!” Tadashi buries his face in his arms, groaning out muffled complaints on how much the world likes to see him suffer.

“Maybe you should have looked up the hours they open.” Kei bites off the end of a fry. “But congrats on trying!” 

“I don’t need your sass right now, Kei.”

Akiteru seats himself in front of them, studying the way Kei’s eyes hardly ever left his friend.

“Do you guys want to go back home?”

Tadashi takes a peek, watching Kei mindlessly nibble his leftovers. His hand slowly reaches out when Kei looks away to watch a crying child beg for a kid’s meal.

There’s a sudden sting on the back of his palm.

“Just one!”

“No.”

“Please?”

Kei has to tear his eyes away from the small pout. “No, can we go home now?”

“You’re the boss.” Akiteru rolls his eyes. 

Tadashi’s hands sneak under Kei’s arm, pulling out a fry. The cardboard box fell, fries splattered around the tray.

“Kei is a bad influence.”

“What the-” Kei spins around, “I’m the bad influence?”

Akiteru chuckles. “I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

“C’mon!”

* * *

“You okay?”

Kei and Tadashi laid on the patio, bathing in the sunset glow. If they were cats, they’d be the laziest ones you’ve seen. Only going outside when the sun was setting, watching the sky change colors. Time never mattered to them as long as they had each other. Cheesy setting, isn’t it? Kei thought so too. 

“You ever lie in bed past 1:41 AM, just thinking about how you’re still alive?” Tadashi quickly waved the question away. “Sorry, I’m talking about myself as if I mattered.”

“Why?” Kei wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was pretty hot. 

“Huh?” Tadashi had already forgotten his question. He thought back the last few minutes until Kei asked.

“Why the specific time?” 

“Oh, I’m not sure.” Tadashi shrugged. His hands felt empty, craving for Kei to be closer. 

“Hm…” Kei closed his eyes as the sunset became evening. He hoped it would be cooler once night fully arrives. He didn’t mind sleeping outside, if it weren’t for the bugs crawling up their legs and mosquitoes sucking the life out of them.

“Kei?” Tadashi asked through the silence. He was worried he’d bored Kei.

“Hm?” Kei’s thoughts were interrupted. The tip of his ears felt hot. Thank the stars Tadashi can’t read his mind.

“Did you really mean it when you asked me out?”

“Yeah… But if you’re not ready, I understand.” Kei managed to finally put his imagination to rest. He’d think about romantic stuff later. Right now, he wanted to enjoy this. There’s no need to rush.

Tadashi laughed as he lost himself looking at the sky, stars were finally appearing. He looked around for constellations. The stars were hardly glowing. Night wasn’t here yet. He felt guilty in the back of 

The backdoor slid open, Akiteru watched over them. 

“Mom says to go get milk.” Akiteru their hands. Close enough to touch, but too nervous to do it. “And if you’re going to do any PDA, mom says to be a big boy and initiate first.” He left Kei a sputtering mess as Tadashi blushed ferociously. 

There’s a small silence seated between them, listening to chirping crickets and cicadas.

Kei looks over, watching his friend sit up silently, feet dangling off the wood paneled floors. He mirrors him, carefully and slowly moving inching closer to him.

“Want to go get slurpees?” 

“Sure.”

The buzz sounds from the machines make Tadashi vibrate with excitement. He pushes down the handle, watching the neon green slushie fill the bottom half of his cup.

“Mountain Dew?” Kei snorts.

Tadashi looks at the brown slush in his cup. “Coke?”

Kei was simple, coke and pina colada.

Tadashi likes things chaotic, mountain dew, raspberry, and cherry.

“What the hell?” Kei looks at the clear cup, the sort of colors mixing together. 

“Don’t judge when you like things vanilla.” 

“It’s called being classy.”

Tadashi looks at Kei’s unsupervised cup, the top still having some space. He whistles, sneakily pressing down the handle as neon green fills it to the brim.

“What the-” Kei comes back with two straws. “You little devil…”

“It comes with the job.”

“Of?”

“Being your friend.”

“Fair enough.”

Tadashi argues to pay for the drinks, completely ignoring the judgemental stares by the cashier for being out this late. 

“Want to go to the place after school?”

The taste of cherry mixed with mountain dew was strangely good. “What about practice?”

Kei shrugs, his clothes rustling as they walk to the nearest park. The same park they always go to really.

“We can skip.”

Tadashi sucks, the roof of his mouth freezing, stretching to the front of his head.

“Oh!”

Kei looks over, his mouth pulling away from the straw. “You dummy.”

Tadashi presses his tongue to the roof, hoping it warms. It just feels colder. Maybe it was a myth, brain freezes were made to suffer through.

“It’s too good.”

Kei takes a small sip. “We can leave practice early.”

“Yeah, that seems fair.”

Tadashi sighs, his head clearing up from the cold fuzz. “Do you think it’ll be worth it?”

Kei pauses at the park’s entrance, the wired fences swing from a cat running across from it.

“We won’t know until we try.”

Their cold fingers go numb, swirling the drink inside and taking sips in between. The back of their thighs are sticky and sweaty, grossly sticking to the bench.

“Tadashi?”

“Hm?”

“I know I’m not good with words-”

“Hold on.” Tadashi sets his cup aside, prying Kei’s easily and laying it to rest next to his.

“What?” Kei’s brain hurts too much from the cold to think of anything to say.

“Okay,” Tadashi scoots closer, taking his cold hands to wrap around Kei’s wrists, “I know you struggle with helping me and trying to be the person you think you have to be, but you’re doing fine.”

Kei dryly swallows.

“I think you’re doing fine.” Tadashi fingers warm underneath. “You don’t have to force yourself to be anything. Just you being here is enough.”

Kei pulls his wrist free, cupping Tadashi’s cheek.

“You know I really like you, right?” 

Tadashi could barely nod his head, not wanting to pull away and lose the sweet contact.

“Tadashi?”

His eyes lose themselves in the deep gold moons before him, the sparkling white lights in his eyes creating their own skies.

“Can I kiss you?”

Tadashi leans into his hand. 

“Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh so  
> this is kind of strange, but if the characters seem ooc, i do apologize for that. 
> 
> i do try to put myself in their shoes, trying to make them act accordingly and realistically. mental health is a struggle and i want to portray it to the best of my abilities. it's different for everyone, so i just use my own experience and memories.
> 
> tsukishima isn't really an asshole, he can when he wants to. from what i interpret, he's more than just a salty sassy person. he decides and acts accordingly, the way he interacts with everyone is different and respectable aside from kageyama and hinata.  
> i like to think he has a soft spot for his best friend, and he'd never treat him terribly. i adore their friendship, always keeping contact and showing signs of care in small ways. they're very close outside of school. they're two great best friends.
> 
> anyway, i won't sugarcoat. i admit, i have many doubts when i write, and i know i can't satisfy everyone. but we all can characterize and interpret characters however we like, whether it fulfills other's standards or not, it doesn't matter. as long as you enjoy it, just keep doing it. 
> 
> just needed to gets this off my chest, im seeing a lot of negativity around in people's fics (altho this all impacted me more after i experienced this myself). so let's keep doing what we love, we don't need to please everyone. there's always someone that will disagree with how you do things, but there will be more people who enjoy what you create.
> 
> don't let anons or cruel people bring you down. there's always room to improve if you're not happy with how things are now, but who cares what they think? it's the world we portray through words and allow our imagination to express itself.
> 
> go crazy, go stupid. have fun.


	12. how far i'll go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try  
> Every turn I take, every trail I track  
> Every path I make, every road leads back  
> To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

Tadashi looked at the strange poster hanging up on the wall, the anatomy looked weird. The dark red and white muscle on the ankle makes him shift uncomfortably on the tissue paper, spread out on the bed. He doesn’t like how detailed anatomy posters are, something about it makes him want to shrink into the size of an ant and run out through the cracks.

“How can anyone think this is comfortable with all of this?” He points to the wall, more than one poster occupies it. So many about allergies, muscles, a strange anatomy diagram of an elephant. “And why is that there?” He thrusts his hand at it.

“Tadashi, does it look like I work here?” Kei mindlessly thumbs through a magazine, his eyes casually reading a few sentences of an article. It’s no sports magazine, but it had a lot of interesting facts about crocodiles. He takes what he can get. “Do you think I should get another pet?”

Tadashi looked at him like he grew a second head. “Absolutely not!”

“Why not?” 

“Who do you think has been cleaning up Spinach’s tank?” He waits, watching Kei stop flipping through the pages.

“It’s so gross!”

“And?”

Kei mumbles, his bottom lip stuck out in a small pout. “I hate it when he sheds.” 

“You wanted a snake.”

“No, you did.”

Tadashi opens his mouth to retort. The door opens suddenly, causing the two teens to jump in their seats.

“Yamaguchi Tadashi?” A petite nurse held the door open. Tadashi liked the moles on her face, they were beautiful spots across her light brown skin.

“Yes?”

“Ah, the doctor will be with you shortly.” She nods at him, entering the room. “In the meantime, I have a few questions I need you to answer.” 

“Oh, okay.” Tadashi squirms, the bed is hard and uncomfortable, the tissue paper crinkles at every tiny movement.

“Do you mind if he’s here?”

“Huh?”

Her pen clicks, pointing towards Kei.

“Oh, yeah, I trust him.”

“Alright,” she double clicks the pen, scribbling down a few words, “would you say you’re sexually active?”

Kei silently chokes on his own spit, his insides spasm violently. 

“No.” Tadashi’s cheeks burn a deep shade of red.

She softly smiles at him, an attempt of comfort he’s seen many times before, “It’s okay, sweetie. You can be honest. Everything here is confidential.”

“I am.” he flexes his fingers, pressing them down on his knees and cracking them.

“Okay,” she visibly checkmarks off the questionnaire, “are you currently on any medication or have had any in the past?”

“No.”

She nods again, every question she asked made him feel like he was being interviewed for something serious.

_ Of course it is,  _ he thinks. There’s nothing wrong with getting help. That’s what Suga had told him countless times.

“Do you-” he blinks a few times, looking back up to her, “-drink or smoke?”

He shakes his head, remembering to respond vocally, “No.”

“Good.” 

“Uh, will any of this be told to anyone?” he asks, two fingers fiddling around on his thighs.

“Not unless you do something dangerous or harmful, then authorities will have to be contacted.”

_ Makes sense _ , Kei flips the page, eyeing the small lizard on the corner of the page.  _ Cute. _

“Fair,” Tadashi sits up, his back slouching, trying to hide himself from everything and nothing at the same time.

“Now,” her pen sits between her middle and ring finger, “we usually have patients take a test, take your time on it. The doctor will look it over when you’re done.”

The page of paper had a list of questions, almost overwhelming him at the start. There’s so much to read, he can feel time waste by the second.

“What’s wrong?” Kei closed the magazine, setting it aside on a table with a baby scale.

Tadashi gulps, his knee bouncing and pen clacking on the board.

“Here,” Kei takes the pen and paper, sitting back on the small chair in the corner, “I ask, you give me a response; none of the time, a little of the time, some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time.”

Tadashi hardly nods.

“In the past 4 weeks,” Kei feels his stomach twist, “about how often did you feel tired out for no good reason?”

“Some of the time.”

“O-”

“Wait!” Tadashi flexes his hands, sweat was already building up in his palms.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sorry, most of the time.”

Kei checkmarks the box, “It’s okay, Tadashi. We can take it slow.”

“Okay,” Tadashi rubs his palms on his school pants, wiping off any excess.

“How often did you feel nervous?”

“All of the time.” 

Tadashi listens to Kei’s soft breathing, trying to match him. The sudden rise of his heartbeat makes his skin crawl, his throat ready to jump out of his own body. He swallows after every question, every word slamming into his ears. It wasn’t terrible, it was strange. 

“How often do you feel depressed?”

The words were like a cord struck wrong on an old guitar, making his shoulders tense up to his ears. The worms in his brain were wriggling out, the taste of freedom just a slither away. He can feel everything inside him turn to mush.

“Uh,” Tadashi cracks his knuckles, the clicks didn’t make him feel any better.

Kei looks up, studying the small movements his boyfriend makes. As much as he wants to comfort him, this test has to be done. He’s seen it before, he’s taken it a few times for check ups. It’s normal, they do it often. 

“I don’t know.” Tadashi starts to bite his nail.

Kei takes his pen and taps it hard on Tadashi’s knee, a small electric wave runs through.

“Hey,” he softly says, “it’s okay. Take your time to think about it.”

He doesn’t want to question why the doctor isn’t here yet. Waiting for doctors can take up to hours, he’s experienced that, but he’s glad they take long at times like these. The rush and pressure isn’t something Tadashi needs right now. Especially if he feels like someone is holding an imaginary knife up to his throat.

Tadashi takes a shallow breath. “Some of the time.”

Kei nods, looking back down to the test. The last question doesn’t sit right with him.

“How often did you feel worthless?”

Tadashi barely responded with a whisper, “All of the time.”

The door opens quickly, a short man with brown glasses knocks on the door. 

“Yamaguchi Tadashi?”

Kei and Tadashi whip their heads around, completely taken off guard at the sudden intrusion.

“Yes?”

“Ah,” the doctor enters, closing the door behind him, “I’m Dr. Ieyasu, Takeda has told me you wanted to get tested for anxiety?”

Kei looks at the paper for any empty boxes, every question is answered. By the looks of it, he can already tell the results, doctor or not. He hands it over to the man, inspecting the older’s hands. They weren’t wrinkly like his grandparents’, they were soft, well-cared for. 

_ He looks caring, _ Kei can smell the small scent of rosemary on him.

“Ah, yes.” the doctor looks over his glasses, “The K10 test.”

“The what?” Tadashi couldn’t help but ask, he has no idea there were tests at the doctor’s. It’s already nerve wracking enough taking an English Literature test, but a test for his own mental health? 

_ Just how many are there I have to take? _

“It’s a small test to get a general idea before we proceed to the next step.”

Kei starts to wonder. “Is there a pass or fail system?”

Dr. Ieyasu tilts his head. “That depends on which doctor you’re asking, many of them think there is one. I like to see how much we can do for the patient and what’s right for them.”

It’s a vague answer. Kei hates those.

“So what do you do?” Tadashi tries to crack his knuckles again, only a slight pain answered back.

“Well, considering how high the answers are, we can proceed to the next step. I’ll schedule you an appointment with a therapist. Her office is upstairs.”

“Upstairs?” Kei asks.

“This department is full of health care offices,” he explains, the pen behind his ear is picked off by his left hand.

“I see.” 

“Here’s her card, and we’ll give you a call when the appointment is set.”

* * *

“What about-” Hinata tosses the ball over to Tadashi, “-if we go to the beach this weekend?”

Tadashi widens his stance, his hands in a setting position. “Are you crazy?” 

The feeling of a smooth ball in the middle of his calloused palms stirs something inside. It’s relaxing, doing something productive without a care in the world. Except he does care, he cares too much.

“Why not?” Hinata spikes the ball over, barely hitting it within the lines. “I think it sounds fun.”

Tadashi shakes his head, laughing. “You’re insane. We have training camp next weekend.” 

“Oh yeah.” 

Hinata’s memory isn’t terrible, he has too much going on into his tiny brain to think about anything logical. Kei calls him stupid, Tadashi calls him a hyperactive teenager. A toddler may have more logic than him, but he makes up for smarts in things others don’t. 

“How about we go to the arcade after camp?”

Tadashi bellows out a small laugh. “Alright.”

Hinata’s thumb sticks out, measuring the distance between Tadashi’s head to the setting sun. He watches his friend’s freckles hide in the shade, the trees surrounding them rustling and dead leaves drop to the ground.

“Yamaguchi!”

“Huh?”

“You’re very pretty!”

“What?!”

Hinata nods, stepping closer to him. “Yeah! Your freckles look good in the light right now.”

Tadashi’s entire back feels sweaty and gross, sweat trickles beside his armpits. He’s used to Hinata’s random outbursts, but the compliment almost made him want to jump off the hill. 

“I uh,” his mind is empty, cheeks flushing as he stutters, “thank you?”

“No problem!” Hinata claps his back, shaking him into confusion as to how he got to his side so quickly.

_ It’s Hinata, should I really be surprised?  _

“Are you staying tonight?” 

The question sits in his head, weighing his options left and right. If he did stay, he’d be left behind in the early morning as Hinata races Kageyama. If he didn’t, he’d have to walk out at night from a mountain, back to his broken home.

Maybe being left behind in the morning isn’t as bad as it sounds. It can be a moment of silence and early rising skies, that sounds pretty peaceful to him. 

“Yeah,” he responds. 

“Awesome! I’ve never had a sleepover before.”

Tadashi freezes in his steps. “Never?”

“Nope,” Hinata keeps walking on.

How can anyone with a brain not want to spend a night? Well, maybe that’s the whole thing, they can’t deal with his energetic, volleyball brain. But Tadashi admires it, he loves watching him spend his day zooming around, bouncing a ball back and forth, and still have energy to yell and jump about like nothing. Kei would compare him to a monkey at a zoo.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh,” Tadashi clears his throat, “nothing.” He can’t tell his friend that, he can tell it to Kei later. The thought was too funny to keep to himself. It must be the blonde’s fault for being a “terrible” influence.

“Are you and Tsukishima dating?” 

“Huh?”

Tadashi could barely register him being at the table, chopsticks in his right hands holding a piece of shrimp. He hasn’t been able to feel… like himself. The best way to put it into words is feeling like he’s watching through a glass window. His arms were clutching things, at the same time being at his side doing nothing. There’s no sense in his head, he doesn’t feel connected to anything.

There’s a missing link.

Missing something and everything at the same time.

“Are you two dating?” Hinata repeats.

“Yeah, why?” 

Hinata chokes on rice, hand slamming against his chest.

“Oh god,” Tadashi begins to panic, “are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Hinata croaks out, “I wasn’t expecting you to give me an answer.”

“What?”

“Is it weird?”

“What’s weird?”

“Dating Tsukishima.”

Tadashi holds in a giggle, resorting to biting his bottom lip instead. He guesses in someone else’s point of view, it can be hard to believe the two are more than best friends. No one really sees beyond the usual “Shut up!” and “Sorry, Tsukki!”. 

“It’s not weird,” he tries to explain, “it’s kind of… nice.” Was that too vague? Probably.

Hinata tilts his head. “Is he mean?”

Tadashi shakes his head. “Not at all. He can be sassy at times, but he’s really nice and… soft.” Kei would have his head on a platter if he heard all of that. 

_ It is true,  _ Tadashi thinks of the times Kei has held his hand, lending his headphones to listen to songs that reminded him of them. They went to a record shop looking at albums and listening to demos. His favorite dates are laying on the ground at the park, listening to chirps and croaks of animals while watching the stars. 

_ Kei is cheesier than I am. _

“Is he…” Hinata brings his voice down to a semi-whisper, “romantic?”

Tadashi couldn’t help the chortle slamming out of his mouth. “The cheesiest romantic you’ve ever seen.” Now he’s definitely going to have his head on a gold decorated plate when he sees him.

_ Whatevers, _ he thinks. It’s all worth seeing Hinata’s eyes crinkle from laughing so hard. 

Hinata snores.

A lot.

Tadashi doesn't mind it. He bites his thumb, keeping to himself from laughing and waking him up. His sister on the other hand? An absolute gem, the sunniest clear sky he’s seen in the body of a human. 

She combed his hair to the side, awed at his earrings, even painted over his nails with a clear polish. It’s meant to ‘strengthen’ them, but he still likes how shiny they look. 

Her shrill, excited voice when his strawberry earrings dangled in the light, he won’t forget it. He almost had the same reaction when he was able to finally put them on. He thanked Kei over and over for them, but all Kei did was laugh and kiss the corner of his mouth as you're welcome. 

The room wasn’t too dark. There’s a small path of moonlight in the middle of the room. He watches the small window full of a clear night sky, the moon at the corner. 

_ I wonder if Kei is watching the moon right now. _

He mentally sighs, wishing he could be with him, but he’s having so much fun with Hinata. It felt weird to sleep over at someone else’s place. The experience was similar to his first time sleeping over at Kei’s when they were kids. 

Until his mother needed him.

_ Mom _ .

The intervention they had weeks ago still replayed in the middle of the night. His anxiety spiked, feeling nauseous and dizzy. He recalls the nights and mornings in bed, unable to lift an arm. He was physically sick.

_ I should stop thinking about her. _

He told himself over and over. 

_ She probably doesn’t think about me. _

Things were quiet at home, the heavy tension slammed into his body every morning. His mother was hardly around at home anymore. He thought he stopped caring altogether, but the worrisome questions and thoughts still woke him up. The sweet relief washed over him when he saw her in the mornings.

And then it repeats all over again.

His dad was home more often. For what reason, he has no idea, and he doesn't care either. If they could coexist in the same house without ever talking, maybe he can make it through high school and college. 

If he decides to go to college. 

It’s too much to think about right now.

_ One step at a time, Tadashi. _

His phone buzzed beside him, quickly grabbing it from awakening his friend in the middle of the night.

_ 1:20 am. It’s that late already? _

**Kei:** **  
** **are you asleep yet?**

**Tadashi:** **  
** **no. hinata snores a lot lol**

**Kei:** **  
** **lmao, i can see that. want to call?**

He tiptoed out the room, silently closing the sliding door as gentle as possible. It’s like sneaking out at night, minus the fear of his father’s anger and mother’s carelessness. Was he a rebel? 

He shrugs, quickly answering Kei’s phone call. His stomach flips quickly, heart pounding by the second as he lifts the phone to his ear.

“Hey.”

The voice sends goosebumps.

“Hi.”

Living in the mountains seems like a pain when you have to ride a bike back and forth just to get to places, but the view above? Spectacular. 

Tadashi can get used to this.

“I thought it would suck living on a mountain, but Hinata has it lucky if he gets to see the moon like this every night.”

Kei chuckles. “What’s wrong with my rooftop?”

“Everything, it could kill me any second,” Tadashi walks farther away from the house. He hears crunch on the dirt, finding a spot close to the forest. “I wonder how he got to live here.”

“Don’t tell me you want to move to the mountains?”

“Maybe,” he says, “it’s nice.”

Kei sighs. “I’ll move if we can have a turtle.”

Tadashi cracks a smile. “Kei, Spinach has a long way to go.”

“He could use a friend.”

“He could also eat his new friends.”

“Good point.”

Hinata takes a few steps back, his feet planted on the ground before launching himself forward.

“Yah!”

“Ahh!” Tadashi’s vision slows down, the dirt coming closer and closer. It’s the first time he’s had a mouthful of dirt, and it was extremely unpleasant. The reminder of animals walking and releasing their innards makes him spit it out in an instant.

“Hinata!”

“Haha!”

The weight on his back lifts up, he can hear his spine scream from sudden impact.

“You’re anything but normal.”

Hinata takes his arm, helping him stand on his feet. “You abandoned your futon.”

“No,” Tadashi sweeps some dirt off his knees, “I just wanted some fresh air.”

“We’re in the mountains.” Hinata counters.

“Fair point.” It has to be way past 3 am, the moon was farther away than it was when he first answered the phone call.

“What were you doing out here?”

Tadashi winces as a piece of rock scrapes against his kneecaps. 

_ That’ll leave a scratch. _

“I was on the phone with Kei.”

“Kei?” 

“Tsukki.”

“Oh,” Hinata nods, “I forgot that’s his given name.”

“I don’t blame you, you don’t like him.” Tadashi sneers, his elbows finding Hinata’s side.

“Hey!”

“Do you guys have any hot chocolate mix?” 

“Yeah, why?”

“Come on.”

Sweet, chocolatey smell filled the room. It was a comfort blanket, softly wrapping them in a big hug. It was breezier in the mountains than Tadashi imagined, he knew being surrounded by nature would have it’s pros and cons, but who knew being cold so early in the morning was a good and bad thing.

“Do you get sick often?” Tadashi sips, ripping his lips away quickly from the heat.

“No.” Hinata’s eyes tease with tears as he takes a chug.

“Blow on it, dummy.” Tadashi giggles quietly.

“But it’s so good.” Hinata blinks back more tears, his tongue is stuck out.

“Do I have to baby you and put ice cubes in your mug?” he teases.

Hinata pouts, lifting his cup up.

Tadashi takes it, settling it into his left hand as his right searches around for broken ice pieces. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he mutters.

“Are you a child?”

Hinata innocently flashed his teeth. “We are children!”

“Unfortunately,” Tadashi whispers, snickering to himself. Maybe Kei really is a bad influence. He can feel his brain turn to a puddle. 

“Do you think Kageyama will date anyone?”

Tadashi’s hands pull out with a few chunks of ice. “Why?”

“I saw him with a girl, they were sitting on a bench in the garden.” Hinata flexes his hands, waiting for the cup to be in reach before grabbing it and drinking it instantly.

“Maybe he was rejecting her.” 

Hinata shakes his head, his voice low and soft. “They were talking for awhile.”

Tadashi didn’t know what to say. He saw a glimpse of sadness he saw in Hinata’s eyes before the bottom of the cup covered up his face. 

_ Ah, Kageyama asked what it was like to be in love _ , his fingers wrapped around his phone, the tiny charm flipped between his fingers. 

“Are you in love Hinata?”

Hinata shrugs.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”

* * *

Tadashi liked the silence, sometimes walking as close to a cat as possible before taking a picture of it. He was tracking it before a bird stooped low in front of him, his feet stumbling backwards.

“Hey,” he recognized it, “it’s you.”

“Are you talking to a bird?” Kei comes up behind, his chin brushing the side of Tadashi’s head. 

Tadashi lets himself fall back, leaning against his chest. “It’s a blackbird.”

“Mhmm.”

“You remember that day,” Tadashi feels Kei’s hand snake around his stomach, “when you said you’d be that someone.”

Kei buries his nose in his hair. “Mhm.”

Tadashi laughs, the notion tickling him. “The therapist said she’d see me once I come back from camp.”

“She?”

“Yeah, they asked if I had a preference.”

“So you settled for her.”

“She seemed really nice,” he reassured the silent troubles. 

“Is it because you need a motherly figure?”

Tadashi pushes himself off, whirling around to face him. “Shut up!”

Kei watches his body shrink from the distance, cursing at himself with every step Tadashi walks farther away. 

_ Idiot _ , he shoves his hands in his pockets. He gave him a few minutes before walking forward.

_ I’m a wuss.  _

He was mentally berating himself, he knows if someone was there to listen, they’d yell at him to pull it together. He wants to be the person Tadashi deserves, yet the words get caught on his tongue, spewing out the opposite. Akiteru had warned him before, but he didn’t do anything about it.

“God, emotions are a pain.”

“You can say that again.” 

Kei’s hands were stuck to the sides of his headphones. “Daichi?”

Tadashi isn’t angry at Kei. Even if what he said wasn’t exactly true, it still stung. He was trying so hard to not crack and fester, the entire world around was spinning endlessly. He felt like he was being left behind, reaching a deadline that doesn’t exist. 

“Ugh,” he groans, “I hate being alive.”

“You too?” Suga drapes an arm over his shoulder. “Are you having a crisis as well?”

“As well?”

Suga shrugs. “Asahi has them often.” 

“Ah,” Tadashi keeps walking, the arm on his shoulder falls behind.

“Tadashi?”

He stops. He’s like a clear cup, filled with water to the brim. A single drop more and he’ll spill. 

“Suga?”

“Hm?”

“Do you ever feel nothing but everything at the same time?”

Suga looks at him, blinking twice. “Are you on medication?”

“What? No!”

“Oh,” Suga sighs, “Good.” He settles himself at Tadashi’s side, motioning with his head to keep walking.

“What are you feeling now?” he asks, hands kept to his sides. Something is off with Tadashi, and he doesn’t want to be overwhelmed, especially if he’s feeling like he wishes he wasn’t alive. Coming from Asahi, he would have rolled his eyes or struck his side, but Tadashi needs someone.

“It’s weird,” Tadashi explains, “I feel like my body is floating endlessly away from my mind. When I reached to get ice cubes, it felt like my hands were on my sides and looking for ice at the same time.”

Suga lifts an eyebrow. “How long has this been going on?”

Tadashi shifts, his fingers twiddling with the star charm in his hoodie underneath the school sweater. “Since…”

_ Since the stupid intervention. _

“For awhile.”

Suga doesn’t press him further, he caught the lie, but he knew better than to call him out. “Hm, you don’t have to tell me the specifics, but if something happened before… That may be the reason.”

“Makes sense.”

He patted Tadashi’s back, shaking him off from the thoughts drowning the first year alive. “Stay with me. Don’t go AWOL.”

“I won’t,” Tadashi laughs, the tension slips away, “thank you, Suga.”

“Anytime.” 

There aren’t that many clouds. He can smell fresh grass, sweet and crisp. 

“How’s Parsley?”

“Spinach,” Tadashi corrects him, “he’s fine. Sleeping mostly.”

Suga looked behind him, Daichi and Kei were keeping their distance.

“Can snakes learn tricks?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Can they do anything?” Suga tries to picture holding a snake, but the image of being killed in his sleep brings him silent terror.

“I think they learn behaviors.” Tadashi crosses his arms, shoving his hands under his armpits. His hands felt cold like he was missing something. He refuses to let his brain give him the answer. “I don’t think they can learn their names.”

“I would pretend I was named after a vegetable.” 

“Hey!” Tadashi uncrosses his arms, unable to find a place for them to warm up.

Suga laughs, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s too dumb to know.”

“Don’t compare him to Hinata and Kageyama.”

“Wh-” Suga pretends to be offended. “I’d never!”

There’s something about the way Suga laughs. It’s a resonant, smooth vibration. Tadashi knew Suga tried to act like the mother of the team, but even Suga needs someone to look after him when he’s down. 

“Suga?”

“Hm?”

“Do you still love Daichi?”

“I think I messed up,” Kei admits. 

Daichi stays quiet, letting him take his time. A vulnerable Tsukishima is a rare sight, and he knew to give him all the time he needed to sort out his thoughts. It’s hard when your mind clogs and nothing you say comes out right.

The last thing he wanted was a frustrated Tsukishima on the court. Especially with a cranky Kageyama and Hinata bouncing around, annoying them further.

“I said something I shouldn’t have and I think Tadashi hates me.”

Daichi opens his mouth, then closes it. He can sense the slight hesitation on Kei’s face, his fingers fiddling around.

“No, he doesn’t hate me. I don’t think he ever hated anyone in his life, even to his own parents.” Kei’s mind strays further into a rabbit hole.

“You’re right,” Daichi steps in, “he doesn’t. But he won’t hold back if he sees you like this either.”

Kei chuckles to himself, crude and harsh. “Maybe.”

Daichi shakes his head. “He would and you know it.”

“Yeah…”

“Look,” he looks forward, watching a silver haired particular laughing and smiling, “I’m not sure what the context is, but don’t look down on your friendship. You two go way back and it shows. If you’re that worried or upset, you need to confront him. Tadashi has always done the talking for you when it comes to your feelings.”

Kei silently agrees, the words hitting him and prodding in his head. 

“Relationships are strange all-around, but I can tell you right now, if you don’t fight for it and expect your partner to do all the changing, you won’t last long.”

Kei almost trips. The mere thought of Tadashi leaving makes his heart strings pull, leaving him almost breathless.

“I-” he stumbles, “No.” He brings a hand to his forehead, words have never been harder to express than now. “Sorry, I meant-”

He cuts himself off again. Everything was messy, his head, his feelings, his life. 

“It’s okay,” Daichi reassures him. “Just take some time to think and tell him when you’re ready.” 

“Yeah, okay.”

“Don’t take too long though.”

“Ugh,” Kei groans, “life is hard.”

“Don’t go Asahi on me now.” Daichi laughs a bit. “You didn’t expect to go through life without any troubles, did you?”

“I’d like to think there wouldn’t be any,” Kei grumbles, “but with those two idiots around, nothing will ever be easy again.”

Daichi bellowed out a big laugh. “You can say goodbye to a peaceful life.”

“Ugh.”

Daichi knew Kei had character problems, but that’s the best thing about him. He may seem like a jerk to a lot of people, though he acts the opposite around Tadashi and him. Kei cared about him, Daichi can see that much. There’s a slight hint of softness around him when it’s the two of them. 

He had to admit, watching them on the grass on top of each other, it was romantic. He was almost jealous of them.

“Daichi?”

“Hm?”

“Do you like Suga?”

Daichi trips over his foot. Kei grabs his arm in time.

“Uh,” Daichi stutters, “let’s catch up with the others.” He hurries, pretending to not hear Kei’s small laugh. He definitely does not want to open up about his confusing feelings for a certain person.

He’s still holding on to the small memory of sticky hands holding on as Suga points out the shapes of clouds. His favorite one looked like a bird. The biggest bird he’s ever seen, flying carelessly with the wind. He wanted to race it, to fly with it.

_ It’s not my story right now _ , he tells himself. Eventually. Maybe he’ll figure his feelings out, but for now, he wants to be a cloud. Drifting away without responsibility for 10 kids.

“Tadashi,” Suga clears his throat, “you’re a cheeky little devil.”

“I agree,” Kei comes up from behind, sneaking a hand around Tadashi’s waist. He mentally celebrates when Tadashi leans into him, not too much, but enough to know he’s still there. He’ll take what he can get. 

“You don’t know the context, Kei.” Tadashi rolls his eyes, his body leaning more into Kei’s hold.

“Do you two ever keep your hands off from each other?” Suga teases.

Before Daichi could warn him, Tadashi pulls away, a snarky smile creeps up on his face.

“Bet.”

“What?” Kei’s hands feel empty. “Wait-”

“For a whole week, you may not touch me.” Tadashi holds his hand up, stopping him from getting closer.

“Wait, you can’t be s-”

“I’m  _ very _ serious.” Tadashi tries hard not to laugh at Kei’s crestfallen face. The paleness of his skin almost makes him feel bad, but an unsaid dare is a dare, and he wants to make Kei suffer for earlier.

“Is this karma?” Daichi mumbles, chuckling as Kei continues to whine. A whole new side he’s never seen, but he enjoys seeing the taller one act childish.

He knows there’s something with the two of them. He won’t question it, but as long as they are okay, he’ll do as much as he can to help.

* * *

“So tell me what your family is like.”

Tadashi wished he could crumble into a billion pieces, dust flying out the window. He estimated the amount of time and pressure it’d take to throw himself out the window from the 3rd floor. Would it kill him? He’s not sure, but the thought was almost tempting. 

He wouldn’t do it, of course, he just wished the question could be avoided.

“Uh,” he taps his knees, “do we have to?”

She was nice, mellow, almost like you can tell her every secret and she’ll keep it to herself. Almost. There’s still many things he shouldn’t tell her, not that it would matter to his parents. Maybe they’ll be glad they could get rid of him. He’ll only come back though. Japan’s child protection services aren't great, he’s done the research.

“Just to get an idea, we don’t have to be specific.”

“Alright,” he sits up, the top part of his back hurts from slouching. “Uh, my dad and mom, they uh… They don’t get along.”

He wants to smack his cheeks hard.

_ Get it together, Tadashi. _

“Do they hurt you?”

_ Yes. _

“No.”

“Okay,” she responds. “What’s your mom like?”

_ Nonexistent. _

“We don’t talk much.”

_ She drinks a lot. _

“We kind of avoid each other.”

The therapist nods her head, scribbling down every answer in a yellow notepad. Her writing was kind of messy, almost rushed to find out more.

“And your father?” her voice doesn’t change throughout the interview.

Tadashi licks his top lip, a few sweat drops tickle his right side of his face. “He’s uh, he doesn’t really talk to me either…”

“Does he drink or smoke?”

“He smokes!” his voice stopped trembling, wincing at the peak when he spoke. “Uh, sorry.”

“No,” she shakes her head, “don’t apologize. It’s alright. We can take this as slow as you like.”

“Right…”

“So how often does he smoke?”

“Everyday,” he chews on his bottom lip, “uh, it’s been a bad habit since I was a kid.”

“Have you checked for asthma or cancer?”

Tadashi gulps. “No.”

“Alright, let’s get you scheduled for one, just to be on the safe side.” her hand glides across the desk, smoothly and effortlessly. The phone clutched lightly. 

Tadashi could finally breathe, his chest heaves and hurts. He ran a marathon in his head and felt physically tired of it. 

“How was it?”

He jumps, heart slamming in his chest. “Fuck, Kei, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” Kei’s foot helped steady him as he leaned on the wall. “How was it?”

Tadashi shrugs. “Strange, I guess.”

Kei is about to reach over to hold his hand, but Tadashi remembers what he said a few days before. It’s a small argument in his head, so he decides to give up and shove his face into Kei’s chest. He’s embraced, cheek rubbing against Kei’s soft hoodie.

“I’m tired.”

“I know.” Kei’s hand runs up and down his back. “Wanna head to my place?”

Tadashi nods, sighing as he pulls away. He doesn’t dare leave his side, settling for holding onto Kei’s arm and digging his cheek into the plush material.

“Bad day?” Kei asks.

“Yeah.”

“What do you want to eat?”

Tadashi’s mind races over, only the same options jump back and forth. He doesn’t want to be a hindrance and have Kei spend money on him, but he also doesn’t know what he has in his kitchen. He could settle and say he’s not hungry, but that would raise too many questions. He could say he’s just thirsty, but his stomach is empty for something solid.

He’s not  _ that _ hungry. Is there anything light to eat? He can’t think of any.

Tough.

“Uh,” he massages Kei’s forearm, hoping to distract him. “Oatmeal?”

Kei doesn’t take the bait. “We can get McD-”

“No!”

“Why not?”

Tadashi feels the back of his throat burn. “Something light, I don’t feel well.”

Kei is unsure of what to do, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. He visualizes his kitchen cabinets and fridge for something lighter and easier on his stomach. Oatmeal doesn’t sound too bad.

_ Will it be enough? _

“Oatmeal and ice cream?”

Ice cream was always a good cure to making one’s mood improve.

“Sounds perfect.”

Maybe things will be better next time…

* * *

“Do you think about flying on a cloud?”

Kei’s hands behind his head curl in, his fingers tangling in his hair. “I would like to be a cloud.”

“Me too.” Tadashi feels the wet grass in his palms, pressing them down to hurt. The dull pain of a few thick blades brings him further to press harder.

“Stop,” Kei has a hand over a wrist, lightly tapping it with two fingers. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“Sorry,” Tadashi mumbles. He pulls them away, sitting up and bunching the hems of his shorts. 

The team is out eating watermelons, relaxing in the beating sun’s rays. He tried to enjoy himself, relax, but the words in his head from his last therapy appointment makes his stomach tremble violently. 

Unsettling.

“You want to go for a walk?”

He shakes his head. He wants to thank him for the offer. The words get stuck behind his teeth, clinging onto them sharp claws, digging into his gums. 

“Come on,” Kei offers a hand, allowing him to study the small lines and rings on his fingers. Tadashi likes the lines of his palms, the small ones were fun to trace over. 

He musters what he can, palms with dirt and tiny pieces of grass pressed in between their hands. Kei doesn’t mind, he hates getting his hands dirty for anyone, but if it’s Tadashi, then he’ll swim through mud for him.

Strange, he knows. He’s been told that a few times by Tanaka or Noya.

“You’d think they know how to take a breather by now.” Kei jokes, watching two idiots’ feet slide across the dirt, tossing pieces over to the second years sitting across from them.

There’s nonsensical yelling and complaints.

“They’re not the type to know what taking a break is,” Tadashi adds.

“Not even if their lives depended on it.”

“Maybe you can learn from them,” Kuroo tosses his arm around them, his face smack in the middle of their heads. 

“Ugh,” Kei grumbles under his breath.

“He’s not a machine, Kuroo-san.” Tadashi lets Kuroo’s arm hang, Kei already pulling away and stepping as far away as possible.

“He’s always mean to everyone but you.”

“That’s just how he is,” Tadashi weakly laughs. He wishes he had the courage to do what the blonde does. Kei always managed to look cool, even when he’s being mean.

“Someone like you is friends with him though, so he must have a soft spot deep down there.” Kuroo rubs the bottom of his chin with his free hand.

“Leave it, Kuroo.” Kenma takes his arm, pulling him away.

“But-”

“I think Yamaguchi has to go.”

He’s forever grateful for Kenma coming to the rescue, reading the air before it even settles. There seems to be a lot of geniuses in volleyball.

It doesn’t take long catching up to Kei, finding someone that tall is pretty easy, but if he’s hiding behind a lot of trees, then that’s another story to tell. He finds him, somewhat. Kei’s head bumps on the tree, thinking rather hard while staring through the cracks between the leaves. He can see bits of blue and white. 

“Kei?”

He stops his head, looking over to Tadashi slowly, ravishing the beautiful sight of his freckles half hidden from the shade. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I should be asking you that.”

“I’m fine,” Kei’s voice washes over the tiny sliver of worry. “Come here.”

Tadashi crept closer, wary of any stray branches. The second he was a hair away, Kei pulled him behind the trees, held tightly in his arms.

“Kei,” his voice is muffled, “are you sure you’re okay?”

“I know you’re trying to keep yourself together.” 

“Ah.”

Moments of vulnerability can be scary, especially if you’re in that vulnerable position. Tadashi and Kei have always skipped around topics, avoiding them altogether. But life doesn’t go the way you plan it. They’ve been forced to face it, struggle through them as if the entire world is against them.

Tadashi lets his body release all tension, his palms harshly rub against Kei’s shirt. He grabbed it, a fist full of cotton in his palms helped somewhat. 

There was still something missing.

He buries his head in Kei's shirt, lost in darkness. 

And he screams.

It’s muffled, but Kei can feel strong vibrations tickle his front side, the pent up anger being released from the other’s mouth startled him. 

When Tadashi was finished, his arms went slack, falling to his side. He’s too tired to apologize.

“Better?” Kei feels the small nod. “Good.”

“Uno!” Nishinoya slams the last card on the pile, the thick stack underneath falls to the side on impact.

“Ahh!” Tanaka tosses his own cards, grabbing the sides of his head. “Again?”

Kei doesn’t look up. “Maybe if you had a brain cell or two in that empty head, you’d win at least once.”

Tadashi stifled his snicker behind his hand.

“And just whose side are you on?” Tanaka squints at him. 

“The one that’s winning all the time,” Tadashi innocently responds. 

“What the-”

Suga cuts him off, laughing behind him. “Tsukishima is a bad influence on you.”

“What?” Kei’s chopsticks clatter on his tray.

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Tadashi laughs.

“That’s true. Stingyshima is corrupting our favorite first year!” Tanaka points a finger.

Kei couldn’t believe what he was hearing. And his own boyfriend wasn’t even defending him.

The audacity…

“Hello, you could save me from these dimwits.” he looks at his boyfriend, betrayal stabbing his heart when Tadashi’s face is hidden behind his hands. The shoulders shaking gives it away, he was laughing so hard he was almost silent. “Traitor.”

“Tsukishima,” Hinata seats himself in front of them, “who asked who out first?”

Tadashi rips his hands away, flailing them in front of Kei. “Don’t answer that!”

“What?” Kei fakes being hurt. “Whatever do you mean?”

“I know what you’re thinking.”

“Huh,” he pretends to think it over deeply. “If you really want to know-”

“Suga cockblocked them twice.” Daichi savored everyone’s reaction. The sweet betrayal of his best friend and the faces of judgment and shock took over the second and first years.

“Daichi!” Suga’s face looks comical, red filling it like a glass of red wine.

Kei has a newfound respect for the third year.

“Kei,” Tadashi whispers, his finger tapping his back.

“Mm.”

“Are you sleeping?”

“Mn.”

“Can we walk for a bit?”

Kei slides a leg out, the cold air leaving goosebumps up to his knees. He takes his time leaving his futon, not caring if he was being too loud. Everyone seems to be a heavy sleeper anyway.

“Sorry for waking you up,” Tadashi apologizes, a hand holding onto his own elbow. 

“I don’t mind,” says Kei, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know.” Tadashi bites back a sigh. “I guess I needed to get away for a bit.”

“You need to scream again?”

“No,” he chuckles. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know how.”

“Let’s take it one step at a time.” Kei is thankful it’s at least an hour or two before 6. He can guess it by the sun barely rising. Tokyo is nice, the tall buildings look pretty cool to look at. Most people confuse them for some larger building way into the city, but regardless, it’s not a terrible place.

Their hometown still beats this place by a landslide.

“I feel lost.”

Kei stops walking, it’s colder now, much more than before. He felt a cold chill ruffle through their thin clothing.

“Kind of like endlessly running into a tunnel.”

He doesn’t turn around, giving Tadashi the space he needs to find the words. 

“I keep having this dream where I’m walking in the hallway, trying to get to my mom’s room, and never reaching it.”

There’s a taste of bitterness in Kei’s mouth at the mention of her.

“I don’t know if I still love her or not…”

Kei takes the cue to turn around, walking back to him. “You don’t have to love her.” His hands flex a bit, still giving him space. “But you don’t have to hate her either.”

“I don’t know what to feel about her, it’s frustrating!”

“I know,” Kei doesn’t panic. “It’s alright to not feel anything.”

“But…” 

“Tadashi… you don’t have to do anything about her. She made her decision, so you should make yours. What do you want to do?”

If you had asked Tadashi that a few months ago, he’d fall apart or walk away. 

“I’m not sure.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to know now.”

Tadashi closes the gap between them, his head finding a place on Kei’s shoulder. He didn’t feel the need to scream. He’ll be fine, eventually.

Eventually, he’ll find a place where his parents aren’t around.

Eventually.

Right?

* * *

“How have you been since the last time we spoke?”

“Uh,” Tadashi finches when she flips a page.

“Apologies.”

He shakes his head, “I’m a little jumpy today.”

“Is there a reason?”

“I’m tired.”

“How are your sleeping habits?”

“Terrible,” he bites back a crude laugh. “I don’t get a lot of sleep.”

“Do you have trouble staying asleep or falling asleep?”

“Falling asleep. There’s so much in my mind, I feel like I can’t get any rest.”

“When you do fall asleep, are you able to stay asleep or do you wake up too early?”

“Both.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Years.”

_ For as long as I can remember… I wonder if it’s because I had to stay up late taking care of mom… _

“...insomnia.”

He looks up, feeling guilty for being trapped in his thoughts. “Sorry?”

“It sounds like you have insomnia,” she repeats. She didn’t seem to mind, at least that’s what her face was telling him.

_ Is she lying to me about it? Does she secretly hate me and think I’m a terrible person?  _

“You seem troubled,” she points out.

“Sorry,” he pinches the sofa underneath him. “I’m a little out of place.”

“Out of place as in?” she waves a hand around, nodding for him to explain.

Tadashi can feel frustration prod against the closed lid. The jar of anger and confusion was sealed since the day at camp.

“It’s hard to explain,” he starts off. “I feel like I’m going in circles.”

“As in the same routine or the same wheel of emotions?”

“Emotions.” 

“Tell me what your day is like.”

“Well,” he scoots closer to her, “I get around two to four hours of sleep. After I wake up, I stay in bed for as long as possible. I feel sick, physically sick, but I’m fine. I got the clear for asthma and cancer, so I’m not sure why I feel like I’m unable to get out of bed. There are invisible chains attached to my back, gluing me down on the futon.”

“You sleep on a futon?”

_ Fuck, _ he cursed.  _ I said too much already. _

“We’re too broke to afford a bed.” That’s pretty true.

“I see,” she writes down in her notebook. “Continue.”

“My stomach feels like a blender of bad emotions. Eventually, I see how late it gets and I scramble to get ready. I leave the house around 6:30 am.”

“You skip breakfast?”

“Yeah, I’m hardly hungry in the mornings.”

Her eyes and hands move, making a small hum to encourage him.

“I meet up with Tsukki a-”

“Tsukki?”

“Ah, I call him Kei but when I talk about him to others, I call him Tsukki.”

“Is he a friend?”

“He’s my bo-uh,” he slumps back. He stares hard at the ground. 

“It’s alright,” she reassures him. “If you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t matter with who as long as he’s not an adult or hurting you in any way.”

“Oh,” he sits up quickly, “not, he’s really good to me.”

“Alright. So he’s your boyfriend?”

Tadashi nods. He can go on for hours talking about him, but this appointment is about Tadashi, no one else.

“How long have you two known each other?”

“We’re childhood friends.”

“That’s lovely,” she comments.

Tadashi first thinks they digressed from the topic, but she diverts back to asking him about his day. When he stumbles with his words, he takes a few minutes to breathe. 

“Sorry,” he feels his entire face heat up. “It’s frustrating.”

“Do you have this feeling every day?”

He meekly nods. “I feel so lost, like I have no purpose.”

“Have you mentioned all this to your boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he have to say?”

“He said I didn’t have to know right now.”

“I agree,” she adds, “you don’t need a purpose to live. Even if the tunnel looks endless, it’s okay to take your time. You’re in no rush to get to the end.”

It’s so much easier to sleep forever, if Tadashi could actually sleep at a decent time.

  
  


“They’re prescribing you medication?” Kei looks at the orange bottle, flipping it over in the light.

“To help me sleep.”

“And your anxiety?” 

Tadashi takes the bottle away, uncapping it to hold a small pill in his palm. “We’re still talking about it. There are a lot of them, and I want to make sure I know what I’m putting in my body.”

“Makes sense.”

“Want to watch a movie?”

Kei smiles, handing a glass of water to him. “I heard Mamma Mia 2 is really sad.”

“You just want me to cry.”

Kei laughs, “I can kiss your tears away.”

“You’re such a sap.”

“I know.”

The pill goes down easy.

“Kei?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

“For?”

He moves closer, his arms wrapping around Kei’s shoulders, kissing the top of his head.

“Being there for me.”

“Of course, Tadashi. I told you I’ll catch up to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long to update this. there's been a lot of smoke in CA, it's hard to breathe.  
> my plants are dying from the heat and therapy sessions have been cancelled due to fires.
> 
> can't catch a break but here we are.
> 
> thanks for reading this far and still being here though. it feels surreal that tons of people are reading this.   
> the amount of times i was close to deleting this fic, i don't think i'd forgive myself if i did. i forget im writing this to share my story and how the struggle of being parentified really affected my life. 
> 
> anyway, drink a lot of water.


	13. i am damaged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am damaged  
> Far too damaged  
> But you're not beyond repair  
> Stick around here  
> Make things better  
> 'Cause you beat me fair and square

There’s an empty space on his bed. He inspects it, the few inches of height from the floor finally comes down to a centimeter. The question of why Tadashi’s back hurts has finally been answered, despite him neglecting and denying it had anything to do with his bed.

_ Maybe I’m tired. _

_ Maybe I’m training too hard. _

_ Maybe training with Shimada was a bad idea. _

Oh, he’s thinking about it again. The thoughts swallow him, slithering around his neck, biting down with their two venomous fangs. He can feel the venom mix in his bloodstream, the ache consumes his body.

There’s a tightening on his wrist. He looks down and watches Spinach’s head tilt as he looks up. His tiny tongue sticks out.

Tadashi bursted into a small fit of giggles.

“You’re very silly,” he whispers among a buzzing fan in the corner beside him. His free hand comes on top of Spinach, a pinky softly rubbing the top of his head. He lost the snake for a bit, the carrier was too big for a tiny snake. He wasn’t too bothered, the majority of the time, Spinach just came to him. It was comforting, the cool scales rub against his skin.

“I hope you don’t have to suffer,” he whispers. The glass breaking on the other side of the wall. His father roars, the vibrations sent down their spines. It was a dragon’s cave, the only treasure he carries is the fire in his pocket. 

“I give up!”

_ Oh no, _ Tadashi thumbs the envelope into his pocket. His wallet is empty, nothing he carries is worth enough to pay off the price for his therapy sessions and medication. 

_ How could I forget about the money? _

He was so tired of everything, he thought he deserved to get help. Now he’s stuck with the consequences and the mere idea of bringing it up to his parents makes him want to throw the fan across the room.

He’s never done anything out of pure anger. He might have as a child, but that’s because his father taught it was okay to behave like that. But it isn’t. He knew he’d feel extremely guilty for breaking something.

If he broke someone’s treasure, he might as well lose his own. His relationships he created with people could be torn down from a simple action. Frankly, he views everything like a thing string. If he does anything harmful, it’ll snap, burn, rip. He’ll lose them all.

The door slams, his breathing lets out. The sniffles coming behind the door passes by, another door shuts, but softer. 

The coast is clear. He tip-toes out, squinting to see any reflective surfaces on the floor. He’s gotten smarter at recognizing what’s glass and what’s trash. Of course he knew the difference before, but with dim lighting and dark shadows creeping along, it’s rather confusing.

The creaks the floor panels make don’t bother him. No one is going to stop him anyway, they never bothered anymore. He used to walk on eggshells, or rather thin ice that scraped his heels. It was easier to breathe for a little bit, until his eyes made contact with his mother. 

She hasn’t made a move, said anything to him in a few weeks. She doesn’t leave the house as much, but she does bring in bottles and bottles of beer into her room, blocking out everything as if the world no longer existed past the door. He wishes he could feel the same, it’s quite the opposite really. 

The world always spins, he knows that. But he couldn’t help feel like he was spinning and the world was at a standstill. He could feel his body move, drifting away from his own bubble. He talked about this to his therapist, but as soon as the bill came, he shut his mouth and told her he was too busy with school. 

_ I keep lying. _

He never stole money, never asked for it either. Therapy is expensive, he now knows that. That’s Japan for you, mental health costs a ton and he’s only a high schooler. He could get a job in secret to help pay it off, maybe Shimada has a few errands. His brain ticks and turns.

“I should stop thinking so much,” he tells himself, the slight echo bouncing off empty corners of the room. He takes a look at Spinach, sleeping ever so calmly, head fit right in the middle of his palm. “I let myself ramble too much.”

He let himself think there was finally a way out, a way to make things bearable. 

“Does everything revolve around money?” he mutters. His shoes laid to rest by the door. “What time is it?”

9:38 pm.

_ It’s not that late is it? _

“Maybe Kei can figure something out?” he shakes his head. “No, I don’t want to depend on him.” He fears if he asks for help, he’ll be indebted to them for the rest of his life. He was tired of constantly having to be there for someone without an ounce of care in return. His mother’s state hasn’t gotten worse, it hasn’t improved either.

“Maybe I should check on her…” he sighs. “No, she made a decision, and I made mine.”

There’s a small pause, his thoughts swirling around do’s and don’ts.

“I’ll check on her,” he says, making his way down the hall. “No-”

Tadashi bites his bottom lip, hard, hurting him. Too many angry thoughts in his head slamming, pounding dents inside of his head. He turns back, returning to his room.

“What do I do?”

His phone buzzes, a small message from Ennoshita.

**Ennoshita:** **  
** **holy crap, i read the first book and I AM SO ASDKAJLFKD. Tadashi, holy shit, the Witcher is so fucking good. Please tell me there’s more.**

He giggles, forgetting everything that clung on his back. The heavy weight is lifted completely.

**Tadashi:** **  
** **There’s so much more :)**

The corner of the envelope poked him. He pretends it’s not there, pretends there’s nothing wrong with him. The corner begins to dig into his thigh, chuckling as his fingers rapidly type. 

_ I wish I wasn’t here. _

* * *

“Hinata,” he warns him, his tone reaching the edge of annoyance. “You’ll get hurt if you don’t get down from there.”

Hinata doesn’t pay attention, his body moving up the tree. The poor cat, thin and fragile, cries among the branches. Tadashi isn’t sure why it would climb up there in the first place. The cat didn’t want to be there, so why go there at all?

“Hinata!” Tadashi calls out, his hands curled into each other. He felt his heart pounding nervously.

“I got it!” Hinata answers back, the cat scared and small. It curls into his arm, hiding its face from everything around them. Tadashi can understand that.

“Come back down,” Tadashi urgently says.

“I’m going.”

The cat didn’t let go of Hinata’s shirt, claws digging into the white fabric. A small - assuming it was orange at some point- spot surrounding an ear was brown and rusty looking.

“It needs a bath,” Tadashi wrinkles his nose. The smell of garbage and vinegar makes him want to gag. “Like now.”

Hinata untangles his arm, wrapping his hand around the cat’s stomach to easily lift him off. “I think it’s a boy.”

Tadashi shakes his head. “Here lift him up higher.”

“Why can’t you do that?” 

“You’re holding it.”

“But you’re taller!”

Tadashi rolls his eyes, stifling his laugh. He clears his throat, sincerity brought back. “Come on,” he urges.

Hinata lifts the cat. Sure enough, the stomach has a small scar. 

“It’s a girl.”

“What?” Hinata quickly descends the cat into his arms. “I thought for sure it was a boy. How can you tell?”

Tadashi shrugs. “It has a scar.”

“Did it get hurt?” Hinata’s eyes widen.

“No, she got spayed.”

“Oh.”

The wind picks up harder, their hair covering the top of their eyes.

“We should head back,” Tadashi looks behind him. He didn’t want to come out this far, but he’d do anything for his friend. And anything to get out of the house. “We need to drop it off to the nearest vet.”

“Aww.”

“You can’t keep her! Your mother is allergic to cats.”

“But she’s so cute.”

“I know,” Tadashi brightens up. “Maybe we can ask Kageyama?”

“Yeah!” Hinata rubs his cheek on top of the cat’s head.

“Uh,” Tadashi winces. “Don’t do that, it might have fleas.”

“Oh.” Hinata pulls away. “Do they bite people, too?”

“Yeah…”

“We should go.”

“Yeah.”

“Why’d you come anyways?” Hinata asks, his hand lightly scratching behind the cat’s ears. “I know I asked, but you seemed in a hurry.” 

“I’ve been thinking too much.” That’s an understatement. He thinks all the time, constantly making his stomach flip over and over. He can feel a slithery monster, wrapping around his body and choking him from inside. The tears that pooled around his eyes when the feeling became heavier, too much to continue on. 

He was trapped between feeling completely empty like a void and feeling the immense pressure from everything around him. It’s strange how anxiety and depression work great together. 

“About?”

Right. They’re in the middle of the sidewalk walking with a stray, possibly lost cat. Kageyama had asked him to hang out and Hinata’s nerves were getting to his stomach. The best thing to comfort and soothe him was to walk it off, miles and miles away from home.

That’s okay, Tadashi didn’t mind it. The walk was semi-peaceful anyways.

Tadashi sighs, finally giving in. “I’m thinking of getting a job.”

“But you can’t.”

“I know,” he reaches into his pocket, the hoodie Kei got him weeks ago. Months ago? He can’t tell you the time and date anymore, it all feels fake anyway. “But I have a bill to pay.” The envelope in his pocket is a bit crinkled from carelessness. 

“A bill?” Hinata gasps, “did you get arrested?”

“No,” Tadashi chuckles, “from therapy and medication.”

“Oh,” Hinata turns to him, “I could help pay for it.”

“Sorry,” he looks down, eyes looking over every crack. He wants to shrink and fall into them, running away. “I want to do this myself.”

“But-”

“I know,” he blinks away frustrated tears he’s been keeping in. “It could be my pride, but I want to do this myself. I don’t want to depend on others.”

“Have you told Tsukishima?” And once again, Hinata punches right to the point.

“No…”

“Tadashi…”

“Shouyou…”

“Ah!” Hinata straightens up, his cheeks tinged pink. “It still makes me giddy when we use our first names.”

Tadashi lets himself laugh, a real one. He lets it burst into tiny flowers, dropping them onto the floor as it continues to spill. Red, beautiful flowers litters inside his head. “Me too.”

Kageyama bites the corner of his lip, struggling where he should put his hand. If he put it around Hinata, the message could be too strong or rejected. Hell, he could ruin everything he built with the sweet tangerine, the warm sunray that lights the middle of his heart. 

“Uh,” Hinata oddly looks at him. “You okay?” 

Kageyama doesn’t say anything.

“Are you constipated?”

His left eye twitches. “Are you an idiot?”

“Well you had this sour expression on your face!” Hinata’s hands fly to his face, poorly imitating Kageyama’s previous expression. “See?”

“That’s not what I looked like.” 

“It did.”

“Does not.”

Hinata bursts into laughter, his hands mid-air, easy to catch into Kageyama’s… if he had the strength and bravery to do such a thing.

“What’s up?” Hinata asks. “You don’t ask me to hang out unless it’s to compete.”

“You’re rather observant,” Kageyama sneers.

Hinata scowls. “You look like you ate a sour lemon.”

Kageyama stomps his foot and swiftly turns around. “You. Me. Race.”

“Where to?” Hinata hops into a starting position, his knuckles cracked before setting them to the ground. “I’m ready to kick some ass.”

Kageyama quickly thinks he could use this chance to go on a date if he wins. But what if he loses? That could be a dilemma. Unless the loser plans the date. That could work.

“Kageyamaaa.”

“If I win, I get to choose a place we can hang out,” Kageyama tried to ease him into the agreement.

“And if I win?” Hinata licks his lips.

“Then…” he stumbles, chewing on his lips as his mind runs through every possibility. Each one being discarded. “You can have my milk for a week.” He mentally facepalms, the stupidity he oozes is a cursive. He realizes, maybe Tsukishima was right about him all along.

“Okay!”

_ Wait, what? _

“Okay?”

“Where are we running to?” 

Kageyama pauses, relishing the sweet undeserved victory to some god (Asahi) watching him above.

“We’ll race to the park near the school.”

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

“I win!” Hinata joyously jumps onto the slide, climbing up till he reaches the top. “I’m the King!”

“No,” Kageyama sighs, his knees were wobbly like the grass in the wind. “We didn’t run for that, stupid.”

“Oh,” Hinata takes a moment, backtracking. “Oh yeah, I get to have your milk for a week. Hand it over.”

“What?”

“Shimada’s mart is around the corner, we can get some there.”

“But I don’t have any right now.”

“I know, but you were planning to get some weren’t you?” Hinata has him stumped, wrapped around his finger. There’s a special string, bright and orange, gently tied around Kageyama’s heart. It pulls, wears out, and strengthens all in a day. 

_ Curse him _ , Kageyama mentally sighs.

“Fine,” he grumbles out. Stalking his way out of the park, Hinata right beside him, humming an unknown tune. It’s catchy, Kageyama mindly hums along. “So what were you doing with Yamaguchi?”

Hinata’s hum dies down quickly. “He just wanted to talk.”

Kageyama wanted to ask more, but he knows he’d be pushing it. He could see them grow fond of each other, their friendship starting like a small rose bud, blooming as time passes and seasons overhead shined on. It was remarkable to watch, almost envious with how quick they’ve gotten close.

Hinata shifts nervously, the bounce in his feet lessens as the shop comes into view.

“Wait,” Kageyama holds him back, his long hands wrapped gently around Hinata’s small wrist. “Is he okay?”

Hinata smiles a little, his shoulders falling slightly. He shakes his head, knees trembling in what could be seen as fear. “He has a bill he has to pay for therapy and medication, but he can’t afford it. I tried to tell him I could help out. He said he wanted to do this on his own. Kageyama, he’s thinking of getting a job. A job! With volleyball? He’ll quit.” 

Kageyama’s mind halts, soaking in the information. 

“Did he tell Tsukishima?”

Hinata shakes his head immediately.

_ Oh _ , Kageyama is torn. His boat of serenity is thrown by medium sized waves. 

Tell Tsukishima? 

_ If I do that, Yamaguchi will know that Hinata told me. But if I don't, things could get really bad. Tsukishima might be angry at the both of us.  _

He looks at Hinata. He can see the small bounce, guilt starting to eat away.

“Hey,” his hand slides up to his shoulder, squeezing it. “Don’t be scared.”

“I’m not scared.” Hinata sticks his tongue out. Every small movement he expressed switched to something positive, full of energy. “I’m just worried,” he says quietly.

“Me too,” Kageyama admits, not liking that for once, he actually cares for the sassy, snarky, strange - okay, maybe his mind is conflicted and confused, sending mixed signals. “I have an idea.” 

“Really?”

He instantly regrets, but he knows what he has to do. Despite it feeling like he’s backstabbing his ‘friends’. He knows deep inside, whether it’s the right or wrong thing to do, he won’t allow Yamaguchi to suffer alone. Not when Tsukishima was finally letting up a bit, though his salty remarks were the same, he was more open to volleyball.

He wasn’t doing this because they’re a team.

He’s doing it because they’re friends…

Sort of.

They’ll get there.

“Wait,” Kei heaves, his knees ready to give away. “Repeat what you just said.”

Kageyama groans, his hands itch to touch the ball again. “I said,” he sighs angrily, “Yamaguchi is trying to find a job.”

Kei blinks, once. Twice. Thrice. “What?”

“What do you mean “what”? Kageyama doesn’t bother hiding his frustration. It was already weird they switched brain cells. “I said-”

“I know what you said,” Kei rolls his eyes. “He can’t get a job, that’s against school rules.”

“He said he’s gonna lie about his age.”

“He can’t do that, he has to get a fake ID for that.”

“I know.”

“Then-”

Kageyama throws his hands in the air. “Oh for the love of-”

“Hold on,” Kei cuts him off. “Why does he need a job in the first place.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, asshat.” Kageyama’s hands ball up. “He has a bill to pay.”

“A bill…” Kei doesn't take long to realize what the dilemma was about. “Oh.”

“What?”

“Damn.”

Kageyama shrugs, brushing off his tension and focusing on the ball beside the wall. “Can we go back to practice now?”

“Are you kidding?” Kei complains. “I’m so freaking tired.”

“Eat something and come back.”

“You’re a monster.”

Kageyama retrieves the ball, spinning it easily on his finger. “You’ll become one, too.”

“If I do,” Kei hautly says, “then prepare to get your ass kicked over and over.”

Kageyama tosses the ball to him. “Over my dead body.”

* * *

Kei’s been contemplating throughout the week, unsure how to bring up without causing Tadashi to close in on him. Sometimes it was difficult for him to open up. Kei could understand to an extent, he chose to be like this.

Tadashi chose because he felt it was better that way.

To bottle everything in and tell someone when it starts to get full, leaking out tiny tidbits of information. Kei didn’t want to be the bottle opener, but he didn’t want Tadashi to feel like no one cared. People care, people love him, his friends love him.

His parents…

“Hm,” Kei shifts in his bed, kicking off the sheets from his lower part of the body. His hand sprawls out to his side, searching for the phone he was using for a few hours. His mouth tasted awful, the lack of toothpaste has him slightly disgusted with himself. 

He couldn’t find the phone.

Swiftly moving his arms around, not finding anything besides blankets and limbs. The heat was getting to his head. 

“Where the hell is it?” he sits up, completely pulling off his blanket. There’s no light, yet he squints as if it’ll do anything. Laziness or tiredness, he didn’t feel like figuring it out. He was too irritated with himself. The feeling of wanting to help, to do more, to be  _ useful _ .

No, if Tadashi heard him, he’d have a word with him. Throw compliments and hugs - not that he minded - until Kei would burst into laughter. It was overbearing, it was sweet. Sweet like a-

_ Bzzt! _

“Ah,” he pans over to the side of his bed, peeking over it. The small light coming under it makes him regret existing for a few seconds. “Please don’t let it be Kageyama or Hinata.” 

**Akiteru:** **  
** **you doing okay?**

Oh, this was so much better.

Kei lets the phone flop onto the bed, walking right out of his room. The door to his brother’s room was slightly ajar. He smiled to himself, letting his hand hover over the door. The smell of cinnamon and apples come from the room. It’s the candle Kei got for him when he was over at Tokyo during camp.

“Akiteru?”

His brother looks up from his laptop, eyes squinting at him. “Oh hey,” his laptop is closed shut, pushed to the side. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” Kei sighs, “I was struggling to sleep.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Kei doesn’t hesitate, stalking towards the bed and letting himself flop on to it. Akiteru bounces and chuckles, watching the worried lines fade from Kei’s face. 

“Volleyball?”

Kei shakes his head.

“Boyfriend?”

“I want to be there for him.”

“You are,” Akiteru says gently. “You just have to be patient.”

“Kageyama told me he’s been hiding his bill.”

“For?”

“Therapy and medication.”

“Oh,” Akiteru breathes in deeply. “What’s he planning to do about it?”

“Get a job.”

“What?” Akiteru yelps out. “But volleyball-”

“I know,” Kei sits up, his entire back aching. “I don’t know what I can do to help either.”

“Are you paying for his phone bill?” Akiteru interrupts.

“Yeah,” Kei answers, confused as to why he’s asking about that. “Why?”

“With your allowance, you could run dry by the end of the year. Bills are expensive.”

“I could get a job.”

Akiteru looks at him hard. 

“Oh,” Kei realizes. “I see.”

“You can’t blame him for hiding it,” he watches Kei slump by the wall. “You also can’t push him to tell you either.”

“I should stop him…”

“But?”

“That could also hurt him.”

“It could.” 

Akiteru stretches his arms over his head, waiting for the cracks, though his mother always told him to not do that. What can he say, he’s quite a ‘rebel’. At least he thinks he is, Kei can probably one-up him, not that they ever had competition. Sort of. It’s friendly competition, sibling rivalry.

“I don’t know what to do,” Kei confesses. His tired eyes were getting heavier.

“Nothing.”

“What?” he looks over to Akiteru, slouching against the wall.

“Do nothing,” Akiteru says again. “Wait till he brings it up, but still be there for him.”

Kei was astounded, how a simple answer he could have thought of himself was dangling in front of him. It’s the one thing he’s good at, doing absolutely nothing, and waiting for the result to come in. It’s what he’s done before, up until Tadashi shook him around about his passion for volleyball. He admits, the entire talk they had still repeats in his head.

He specifically remembers the moonlight uncovering Tadashi’s face. He could practically count every single freckle.

“I’m overthinking.”

“Mhm,” Akiteru agreed. “Not surprising though.”

“Oh?”

“You tend to overthink when it comes to something you love.”

* * *

“Kei?”

He turns around. Tadashi is slowly breathing, his eyes closed for a second longer. He’s visibly shaking and Kei feels awful for it. As much as he wants to hug him, he’s not comfortable with the amount of people around them. Tadashi hates being the center of attention, and Kei being popular among the girls… it’s an inconvenience to them.

“What’s the matter?” Kei says it slowly.

“Uh,” Tadashi's breathing stutters. 

There are alarms blaring through Kei’s ears, his hands immediately want to fly towards his boyfriend.

_ No, not yet. _

“Let’s go somewhere quiet,” he nods his head towards the gym. “There’s nothing behind it at the moment.” He’s not entirely sure if that’s true, but he’ll take his chances.

“Yeah,” Tadashi takes a step, a prickling feeling shoots up his legs. He was so caught up in his mind he didn’t realize how stiff and frozen he was throughout his internal arguing. There’s an apology hanging at the tip of his tongue. If he said it, he knew Kei would tell him to not be sorry. 

_ In a way, he’s right. It’s not my fault. But it is, ugh, the stupid bill. _

If only the world was taken over by giants and crushed him.

Kei waits, he sets down his backpack, motioning for Tadashi to sit beside him. He doesn’t touch him, just waits for Tadashi to take that deep breath and blurt whatever is on his mind.

“I’ve been… keeping something.”

He’s not taken by surprise, he’s known all along. Though he feels like he’s stabbing someone’s back, he couldn’t do anything either way. If he had confronted him, he’d be forcing Tadashi to open up, pushing him over an edge he’s not aware of.

“I haven’t gone to therapy in awhile.”

Kei nods.

Tadashi sighs, his head falls behind him, the wall meeting him a bit hard. He winces, rubbing at a small spot. “I have this bill…”

“Is that why you’ve stopped going?”

“I have to pay it before continuing.” 

“I see,” Kei scoots closer, hand hovering over Tadashi’s before deciding to set it back onto his lap. “And what’s your decision?”

“I want to get a job…”

“But?”

“That means quitting volleyball.”

Kei gulps, a random nerve twitching around his right eye. “Are you?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t.”

“But I have no other choice!” Tadashi didn’t mean to yell. The second it leaves his mouth makes it dry, sandlike, gritty, and gross. 

“Tadashi-”

“Hinata already offered to help pay for it.”

Kei scoffs. “I bet that tangerine doesn’t understand how expensive it really is.”

Tadashi’s head is still light, spinning endlessly in the dark. “Yeah,” he doesn’t feel like putting any effort. 

Kei clears his throat. “You need to tell someone about this. An adult.”

Tadashi looks up at him, his face grows paler. “Please, no.”

“What?” Kei sees the glint leaving in his eyes. “No! Not her, I meant Shimada or Takeda.”

“Oh,” a huge relief washes over him, the color fills back to his face. “Okay, I think I can do that.”

“Here,” Kei gets up. “I’ll call over Takeda, you sit here and keep breathing.” He wants to hug him before leaving, in fact, he’s scared Tadashi might bail. 

_ No, he wouldn’t do that. _

He has to admit, Tadashi has gotten a lot better at confronting things. Sometimes he needs a small push, sometimes he just needs reassurance. He can push himself if he has someone beside him. The only thing on his mind is Sara. Takeda will most likely tell them Tadashi will have to tell her.

_ Please, tell me I’m wrong. _

“Okay,” Tadashi nods, breathing in deeply. His hand lays flat against his chest, feeling his heartbeat slowing down with every calming breath he takes. He pictures a small bird, laying on his hand. The calmer he becomes, the more the bird jumps up his arm. 

“Tadashi?”

The bird looks at him, its tiny eyes sparkling.

“Yes?”

Takeda stands a bit far.

“He’s here.”

“Alright.”

Sometimes Kei hates being right. Sometimes Tadashi hates it when he’s right. But they’ll get through it together. Somehow.

* * *

Sara moves the bottle in her hand, watching the liquid form a mini whirlpool. The drink was almost finished, but a good amount was left in it. There was a guilty, stinging feeling in her head. Voices telling her to finish the rest, stack it with the others. 

_ Do I really want to get wasted? _

That’s the million dollar question. She’s been hoping for a reason to stop. She couldn’t figure out why she had to keep drinking. Her son had tried to confront him about it. That was the first time they actually talked, sat down on the same table and talked. 

She can barely recall ever saying anything while sober. 

_ Aren’t I pathetic?... _

She sighs, the liquid in front of her looks less enticing over time. She’s indecisive, wanting to spill its contents to the ground or not waste a single drop and chug it. 

“Ugh,” she groans, slowly walking towards the open window. There’s no mesh separating her room and outside. It must have fallen off or pushed out at some point. Not like she can't recall anything that happens in this room when she’s drunk the majority of her time.

There’s a splash as leftover hits the ground. The end of the bottle is dangling between two fingers, wanting to let it crack and splatter on the ground. The fall isn’t far, but any damage is better than none.

She wants to be numb and hurt at the same time.

A soft knock snaps her out of her trance, the sweat forming makes the bottle slip.

“Mom!” Tadashi bursts through the door, panic settling in his voice.

“I’m fine,” she waves a hand away. “I dropped a bottle.”

“Oh,” Tadashi’s eyes search around the room, shying away from stacks in the corners.

“Is something wrong?” 

“No,” he shifts. “Yes.”

Sara raises her eyebrow.

He pulls out the envelope, all wrinkled and rumpled, looking like he stuck it in the washer. “It’s a bill.”

“For?” 

Did she forget rent? Electricity bill? Water bill? 

“Doctor’s.”

Oh.

“What?”

“I-”

“Are you sick?”

“No,” Tadashi tries to flatten the papers. “It’s for… therapy.”

Sara almost forgot to breathe. She felt like she was just launched off a rollercoaster, one of her fears actually. “Oh,” she wanted to slam her face onto the bed. Her entire body wobbled as she crashed to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“It’s nothing bad!” Tadashi gasps out. “I have anxiety, and a teacher thought I should see a doctor for it. I put it off for a while cause I was really scared, but it’s not as bad, I mean I do take medication, but it’s like a little boost. I’m so sorry for hiding this, I didn’t think about the bill an-”

“Tadashi.”

“I swear I didn’t mean to do this on purpose, I wasn’t thinking. I-”

“Tadashi,” she says, a small hint of worry lining the name. “It’s alright.”

“I-” he struggles, words leaving his mind. “It is?”

Sara offers a hand, waiting for the paper to hit her palm. It wasn’t as intimidating as her brain imagined, it was just a piece of paper. With numbers, lots of words, and names. There wasn’t anything else to it. 

_ It’s just a bill. _

A bill for her son.

_ For therapy. _

And medication.

_ For Tadashi. _

“I’ll handle it.”

Tadashi’s rants cease. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah,” she finds the strength to get up, walking towards her drawers. There’s the last beer bottle from the pack. There’s a bit of money underneath, promised to go to the next pack. 

“Do they take cash?”

“Yeah.”

“Great.”

Tadashi takes a large breath when he enters his room. The money sitting in the envelope, promises to see his therapist another time. Promise to continue medication. All because of  _ money _ .

His hands immediately dial to Kei.

“Sup?”

“Why does everything cost so much money?”

“Happiness cost  _ nothing _ .”

Tadashi laughs. “You’re right, having a boyfriend is free.”

Kei sputters, gathering himself up quickly. “What’d your mom say?”

“She said she’ll pay for it.”

“What about the next bill?”

He licks his dry lips. “I’m not sure.”

“Did you tell her about continuing it?”

“I did, but I don’t know if she’s gonna do anything about it.”

“Did she say you had to stop?”

“No,” Tadashi pulls a string off his blanket. “She said she’ll hand me the money when I need it.”

“Huh,” Kei was surprised to say the least. “Is she… okay?”

“She was sober.”

“Interesting.”

“Do you think…” Tadashi crosses his legs, afraid he’d crumble.

“She’ll change?” Kei finishes.

Tadashi nods, knowing Kei will probably imagine him doing it.

“I don’t know, Tadashi. Maybe she won’t, but that doesn’t mean she still can’t care about you.”

“I wish I could help her.”

“I know.”

“I want to help her.”

“So do I.”

“But we can’t.”

“We can’t,” Kei says. “But we can wait.”

“We can.”

Sara lays her hands flat on the counter, watching the sink leak drop by drop, pooling until it starts to finally fall into the drain. A wrench and tape sits by her left hand. She felt alone, not completely, she has a son to look after. 

Well, ‘look’ after.

_ It’s too late to repair anything. _

That’s what her mind had always told her. That’s why the alcohol was her blanket.

Yet, when she took a sip from the last bottle, it tasted anything but familiar. It was a strange chemical, burning into her throat. Her tears clogged her vision, falling endlessly into the sink. Tears and water mixed.

_ It’s too late. _

Her hand takes the wrench, feeling the weight in her palms. The metal touch sends a shiver down her arm.

_ Too late. _

“Maybe I should google how to fix it first.”

_ La- Shut up. _

“I hope I can fix it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew, this one took awhile. it's strange writing yamaguchi sometimes.   
> the balance of deflecting certain problems while maintaining somewhat of his characterization is a difficult task, but interesting nonetheless.
> 
> anyway, i had my therapy appointment earlier and im pretty emotionally drained. i had a few mental breakdowns and my body just shut down so ive been in bed rest on and off. take care of yourselves! drink water! eat a snack! ahhhhh- hope you're all doing well, and if you're not, i know you'll get through your hardships.
> 
> -
> 
> im writing a tskym fic for halloween! if this isn't your cup of tea (i mean this whole fic makes my head swarm with emotions), i hope my tskym halloween fic makes you smile!


	14. burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burn  
> Watching it burn  
> The world has no right to my heart  
> The world has no place in our bed  
> They don't get to know what I said  
> I'm burning the memories

Tadashi eyes the corner of the wall peeling away. He can see the exposed wood, holding the house that’s been slowly falling apart since the second they moved in. He’s surprised the wooden structure hasn’t given in with all the abuse it’s been. He could have sworn the amount of objects thrown and walls punched, something would have caved in.

“God, I hate it here.”

He turns in his futon, his back screaming in a straight line from his neck to the bottom of his back. There were tosses and turns, stretches that ache at the back of his legs and arms. Nothing ever gave him the satisfaction, the release of tension his entire body was penting up. Not even practice was doing much justice.

_ Nationals… _

His stomach flopped, tiny creatures flipping his insides, sending uncomfortable words of messages sketched into his mind. 

_ I’m not good enough. _

“God damn it!” his father in the kitchen, always yelling, always angry. 

_ My serves are awful. _

“Can’t you do anything right?!”

_ I’ll never be on the starter line. _

“Leave!”

Tadashi’s mind stops ticking. His hands tighten their grip on the edges of his pillow, flat and tired out of the puffiness it contained when it was first opened. He curls his legs into his chest, his breathing halters, failing to take deep breaths like he practiced multiple times in therapy.

_ Breathe in. _

**_PANIC_ **

_ Breathe out. _

**_PANIC_ **

He curses out loud, fists clenching themselves, nails digging into the middle of his palms. Everything he practiced was thrown out the window, forgotten and rushed. Terrible format of instructions was nothing but gibberish.

“I said get out!”

Tadashi shuts his eyes, counting the seconds between each breath. Counting every single memory he grasped on in the blur of panic. He cringes when the door slams shut, the walls waving back and forth from impact.

He gasps for air, opening his eyes and greeting the bright light peeking through his curtains. Squinting, he gets up, looking at the small particles floating in the air. His knees tremble, feet freezing as he grounds himself on the cold floor. 

There are steps, light ones, pacing back and forth on the opposite side of the walls. 

His fingers uncurled, nails dragging lightly on the rough material beneath him. Listening to every sound, waiting for a sign to come out. The light squeaks of a sink and water rinsing gives him the relief he’s been waiting for.

He stretches his legs out, pain striking through his right leg. The miniature pins and needles stabbing through makes him yelp. He pats with a fist on his thigh, trying to wake it up faster. 

“Ugh,” he groans, “this always happens.” Perhaps his body is really the age of 80. The feeling lifted, slightly shooting spikes of pain as he walked slowly. He reached his door, clinging onto the edge of it for his dear life. 

The sound of water is louder, squeaking from rubbing on maybe a plate calms him down. 

_ It’s mom. _

He takes his first step, the door creaking as he pushes it away from him. The dim light from the kitchen only casts shadows on the floors. He can only make the small, thin shadow constantly shifting as he steps closer. His feet carefully placing flat on the floor, ready to pull away the second he feels something sharp.

A toe hits the light, shivering from the sudden cold that hits him, he retracts it. His back hugs the wall, gulping silently before taking a big breath and stepping into the light.

There she was.

Washing dishes.

The water running made him nervous; he couldn’t figure out why, it could’ve been the fact it wasn’t spraying water in random directions.

“Mom?” he calls out, the word echoing back to him.

“Hm?” she turns out, a hand holding a fork in the water. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he licks his lips, watching her back turned to him. He patted his pockets, coming up empty, hopefully he remembers to get a new one after his outing. “Uh,” he pauses, waiting to see if his mother would turn back around.

“Hm?” she does, looking at him with a blank face.

“I’m going out,” he shifts, fists in pocket pushing his shorts away a little. “Do you need anything?”

“Oh,” she looks at the ceiling, squinting at the dim light. “Milk,” she nods at her own words. 

“Okay,” he turns around, walking back to his room. He stops by the edge of the doorway, looking back to his mother’s figure.

Her shirt was reflecting the old light in the kitchen, soft yellow on white. It rode down, barely meeting the ends of the back of her knees. The edges were unscarred, clean folded cotton, new and fresh. 

If she wasn’t wearing any shorts, he couldn’t tell, he didn’t care either. Her body swayed, humming very quietly as she washed the dishes. She could have been in her own world, probably thinking of being somewhere else. He wouldn’t blame her if she did…

Tadashi takes in a big breath, shoulders dropping. The air in the house was too silent, but peaceful. A sort of atmosphere where you’re too nervous to take a step, yet resilient enough to stay in place and breathe normally.

Before Tadashi could retreat back to his room, he eyed the doorknob to the front door.

Unhinged with a gap showing. The glue and nails must have come off from impact.

He shivers, cold chills running up and down his back. The ball of sandpaper in his throat slipping down slowly, painfully. “One day,” he whispers a promise. 

**Hinata:** **  
** **I’ll be there in 10!**

Tadashi is greeted with the news as he paces in his room. His stack of books to keep up his desk is nearly toppled over when he pulls one out. He flips nonchalantly, skimming through hundreds of words until he reaches his favorite line. 

Smiling, almost breathing an imaginary field of fresh air and flowers. He could picture himself, sitting under a willow tree. The wind rustling through every leaf, a train of them above him shifts the shadows. Rays of sunlight traveling around him, dancing a waltz in an open ballroom. 

“Tadashi?”

He almost drops the book. “Yeah?” he responds, not remembering the voice behind the door.

Nothing, quiet buzzes of a fan from someone next door fills in the space between. 

“Mom?”

“Sorry,” there’s a creak on the door. “I was wondering if you needed money for your next appointment.”

“No,” he says too quietly, wondering to say it again.

“Alright.”

He watches the shadows under the door fade to the right. The small steps and creaks following her, like a ghost tired of haunting, lonely from being alone. The door didn’t slam, it hasn’t for some time. He doesn’t remember when it stopped, only realizing one night when she retreated to her room.

The late nights she left - returning at who knows what time - has been left behind. Waiting in her room, always awake whenever he comes in to bring the bill.

That was the usual. 

The new normal.

**Hinata:** **  
** **i’m outside :D**

Tadashi weighed in on his options, wondering to let his mother know if he was leaving or to just walk out the door. 

**Hinata:** **  
** **im so hungry**

His feet were numb, mindlessly walking, exiting out of his room and a few feet away from the door. He looked behind him, watching the small fragment of light peeking out from his mother’s room, the small shadows dancing around into the hallway’s wall.

His hand hovered on the doorknob, the tips of his fingers cold.

He was already out the door when he opened his mouth to yell he was leaving.

_ Maybe next time. _

“I’m so nervous,” Hinata shoved his hands into his hoodie. “I can’t wait to see everyone again.”

Tadashi smiled, “You even sneaked onto camp.”

“Oi!” Hinata’s eyes squinted towards him. “Don’t remind me.”

“Should’ve thought about that before you decided to crash,” he tuts, snickering as Hinata’s expression becomes more embarrassed. 

“You should have seen Tsukishima,” he laughs, “he pretended he didn’t know me at first.”

“That’s very Tsukki,” Tadashi keeps an eye on his friend. Hinata walking backwards was normal, it often happened whenever the two were together. At first, Tadashi would always scold him, taking his arms and turning him around to walk properly. But it would always end with Hinata turning back, talking away and moving his arms around to exaggerate his words.

“Why do you always walk backwards?” he asked, interrupting Hinata. “Oh sorry, contin-”

“I trust you,” Hinata responds. 

Tadashi stops, blinking at him slowly. “What?” his voice cracks.

Hinata has a face of a confused bird, tilting his head and raising a brow like Tadashi hung up the sun for him. “I trust you,” he repeats, “you didn’t know that?”

Tadashi shakes his head furiously. “No, I mean, I did. I just wasn’t- I’m..” he shakes his hands, hoping to get the last bit of his nerves out with every shake. The sentence getting caught in the net like fish flopping, trying to free itself to get back to the ocean. 

“Are you okay?” Hinata waves a hand in front of Tadashi’s face. “You look like you saw a ghost.”

“No - I mean, yeah, I’m fine.” Tadashi gives him a shaky smile. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Hinata scrunches his eyebrows. “Okay,” he shrugs, his smile radiating from the reflecting windows beside them. The store’s window had a collection of vases, a potter’s best work all in the spotlight. Tadashi could smell the clay from the crack through the double doors. 

“Okay.”

“You want dango or food?”

“Didn’t you say you were hungry?” 

“I said I was nervous!”

“Same thing,” Tadashi laughs. The small fists lightly hitting his shoulder tickles him.

“Meanie! Tsukishima is a bad influence on you!”

* * *

“How is she?” Kei flicks the pages, still being careful to not bend them.

Tadashi’s chopsticks continue to grab and poke at the small sheet of ginger, difficult to grab with how thin it is. He was always using his chopsticks too lightly, never putting too much force like he should be. He was gentle, shy even.

“Do you need help?” Kei snickers, biting his lower lip to keep himself grounded. He wasn’t going to lose himself, laugh in front of strangers around the class. 

“No,” Tadashi groans, tightening his fingers over the wooden sticks, “I got this.”

The small noise of two ends meeting together, failing to grab the object in the middle of the box. Tadashi could feel his frustration like a bedsheet rolling up his back, he could feel it get heavier the more the chopsticks continued to not grab.

“Tadashi…” Kei’s voice came out strained, wobbly. If he was someone else, it could be mistaken for someone trying not to cry. But for Kei, he was really trying to not laugh.

“I-” he stops, the chopsticks grab the tip of it. “Oh!” 

He carefully slides the ginger to the corner, lifting it higher. Taking a sharp breath, and letting go of the chopsticks for a mere millisecond to grab the middle of it.

“I did it!” he lifts it up to his mouth quickly, munching on it. He looks at Kei, confused. Kei had his face hidden behind his book, shoulders shaking and a few gasps escaped him. “What?”

Kei keeps laughing. 

Tadashi hears a few giggles behind, looking back at the girls hiding behind their hands. The realization hits him. He said it aloud and everyone looked at him. The small shiver sent up his spine, traveling from the back of his neck to the top of his cheeks.

“Ah,” he clears his throat, smiling crookedly with a hand holding up his head. The palm cupping his chin, so casually looking over the window. “Kei!” he whispers harshly, hearing the quiet, breathless snorts coming from his boyfriend.

Kei’s shoulders were moving up and down, along with his almost audible laughter. Truly a scene that captivates Tadashi, keeping the movement and picture in his mind, like an ongoing gif that never stops.

“Ahem,” Kei finally makes a different noise, one that makes him seem like he never lost his composure in the first place. “You done?”

“Yeah,” Tadashi lets his guard down, the loose walls finally burying itself into the ground as he unfolds himself in the sunlight. “She’s fine, by the way.”

Kei’s book softly taps the edge of the desk as he sets it down. “That’s good,” he says, long fingers grazing down the spine of the book. It’s oddfully soothing. “Is she still…?” he trails off, knowing the image in their heads is enough to fill the rest of the sentence.

“No,” Tadashi answers. There was only one empty beer bottle, kept on the dresser of her room. He remembers it, since the time he stepped in to bring in the bill. It’s been there ever since. Though there’s no proof it may be the same one, he could just  _ feel  _ it. 

“That’s good,” Kei repeats. 

“Yeah.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Huh?” Tadashi looked up, Kei’s eyes were watching the view past the windows. Hinata and Kageyama are booking it from a teacher, a volleyball stringing along and flying out from who knows where. 

“About Nationals.”

Tadashi gulps, “Kind of.” 

Kei turns around, the soft smile only Tadashi can see. Sure they’re in public, but the smile is too small to spot from the distance between them and the group of kids behind them. It’s the same smile Tadashi can see and feel in the dark, the only light coming from the moon shining down onto the middle of the bed.

“I think you’ll do great,” Kei’s words give Tadashi the small push he needed. His walls were already down, but he still felt his mind was holding back.

“Yeah, we will.” 

Suga’s hands wiggle, snaking up through Kei’s shirt. He shivers, jumps, wriggling in his spot. His butt starts to go numb. 

“Sugawara-san.”

“Hm?”

“Please stop trying to tickle me,” Kei tosses his head around, pouting a little.

“Boo, you’re no fun.” Suga chuckles, pulling back his hands. “How’s Tadashi?”

“Better,” Kei shrugs, turning his head back to the board. 

Suga sighs, not as a sign of relief, but a sign of exhaust. It’s been maybe a month - few weeks probably - he’s not sure, time was never real to begin with. They’ve all been affected with pre-game anxiety, always lost and jumbled.

Even Tanaka and Nishinoya were affected, at least for a little bit. Leave it to them to get everyone back up on their feet, or annoy them to get them moving faster. 

“Suga…” 

He looks back up, still close to Kei’s back. “What’s up?”

“Do you think…” Kei breathes, “Tadashi looks happier?”

Suga looks to his left. Hinata and Tadashi sit by the gym wall, leaning into it as sweat cools off. Their water bottles half empty, swinging around in their hands. Before, Hinata did most of the talking, he’d be the silly one. Now, Tadashi has been talking too.

He could say he is doing better. 

The only thing that holds him back from saying that is the way Tadashi looks when he comes into the club room. The heavy bags under his eyes, stuck around even after being on medication to help his insomnia. He could see the emptiness, numb, void looks whenever Tadashi stared off into the distance.

It was like the boy was stuck in a world constantly changing.

“I don’t think so,” Suga chewed on his bottom lip.

“I thought so,” Kei turns back, head dropping for a second. “I guess we’ll wait,” he says, hands stretching out before him, bending and cracking his knuckles like a cat. 

“Patience,” Suga agreed, sliding on his butt to sit beside him. “I’m glad he has you.”

Kei looks at him, confused. “He has you, too.”

“I-” he loses himself in a spiral. Completely, utterly lost at words. “Yeah.” Suga whistles a made-up tune, bouncing about on his feet. He checks in with everyone, watching them stretch and talk as time keeps counting. 

It’s like the world pressed the mute button, the only sounds were the echoes of Daichi’s steps. Taking his time walking over to him, each foot coming down with a tap.

“Suga?”

He blinks. “Oh! Sorry, I was zoning out a bit.” 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Daichi’s smiles were always kind, giving nothing but a full heart, swelling a different feeling of sweetness.

“Yamaguchi and Tsukishima seem different,” he says, “more… nice.” Daichi’s eyelashes are short, but slightly curled. They were just eyelashes, yet Suga felt his stomach flip endlessly as he kept looking. The afternoon sun was toning down, orange and pink essence of skies were left. He can see that much through the small bars between the windows. 

“I think they’ll be fine,” Suga’s eyes drifted towards his friends. The loud, combined voices mashed together, discordant and fun. That’s what he would describe everyone under the gym’s roof. “What about you?”

“Huh?”

“You seem more resolved,” Suga points out, “Yui?” He mentally winces, shrivelling into a small crumple of paper and tossing himself straight into the garbage bin. He felt like he had no right to say her name.

“Just friends.”

“Huh?” Suga’s body stills. 

Daichi looks at him. “What are you doing after nationals?”

“Probably look into schools,” he shrugs, not really having a direction he wants to go towards. “I’m still not sure what I want to do.”

Daichi puts his thumb under his chin, his index finger folded. It was his thinking stance. “You are good with kids,” he says, “and not just getting along with your siblings.”

Suga gives him a smile. “Maybe. What about you?”

Daichi puts his hands on his waist. “Detective.”

“Oh?”

“I like solving things,” he answers back, chuckling at his childish memories of solving mysteries. The bookshelves are full of his favorite stories.

“I think that suits you.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

Kei rolls on his stomach, the wires of his earphones dug into him. His bed occupies two bodies, one reading a magazine, and the other clicking away on Kei’s laptop. 

“Watcha doing?” he leans in, looking at Tadashi’s fingers at the speed of that blue hedgehog they play as. He can’t remember names very well, but the way Tadashi excitedly rambles about the silly character is worth it.

“I’m looking up some stuff,” Tadashi drones. The typing stops, scrolling down pages and pages of blurry pictures. Kei can’t see from his angle, so he worms his way up. “What are you doing?” Tadashi snickers.

“I want to see,” Kei says, his head squirming his way to Tadashi’s lap, almost toppling the laptop over. Tadashi steadies it, his right hand palm flat against the top of his boyfriend’s head. His fingers curl over his hair, digging into his scalp, massaging near the temples. 

Kei hums, letting himself close his eyes, falling into a small slumber. He could have stayed awake, looking onto the screen, maybe following the mouse as it clicks on links or images. The fast clicks on the keyboard lulls him to sleep, listening to Tadashi’s soft, focused breathing.

He couldn’t help his pounding heartbeat. The slight movements whenever Tadashi adjusted his position, pushing the laptop away at times, then pulling it back in. His eyes felt a dull pain, throbbing, squinting at the small letters on the screen. It wasn’t long before he felt his glasses slide off.

Tadashi flexes his hands, his knuckles aching to be cracked. Tension balls up, pulling his entire body together.

_ Ah, it hurts. _

He pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing in deeply. The worst thing to do is think too much about the pain. 

_ You’re fine. _

The last thing he wanted to do was spiral out of control, thoughts turning darker as breathing becomes more unstable.

_ I’m not dying. _

He’s sure he’s not, but it feels like it sometimes…

Kei mumbles a lot in his sleep, Tadashi starts noticing whenever Kei comes over. Every time they spent the afternoons together, they napped, mostly Kei though. It’s gentle, rather breathless. It flows gently out of his mouth, spilling out blue petals. 

Kei was a flower, one from the night. Moonlight captures it’s essence, the light ray of aura that surrounds the quiet beauty. The petals unfold, and Tadashi is the only one to witness it.

“Tadashi?”

He looks down. Kei’s lids were low, barely peeking through his lashes to catch a glimpse. 

“Are you okay?” his voice, cracking, still taking his time to be fully awake. 

Tadashi shuts the laptop, his mind is already occupied with something else. “Yeah,” he sighs out, “want to nap?”

The laptop slides to the lower end of the bed, pushed away from them to not be shoved off completely. Kei’s right ear listens into Tadashi’s heart, a peaceful moment he treasures when they’re together like this. It never gets old.

“Wake me up later,” Kei mumbles.

Tadashi nods, knowing he won’t. He’ll do the same thing he always does. He leaves when it’s difficult to say goodbye. Never knowing when one day, someone will leave him without a reason, but not Kei. Kei would never do that. That’s what his heart tells him, at the moment at least. “Okay,” his lips pressed, kissing Kei’s forehead. 

“Hey, you guys?” Akiteru knocks, “Uh, mom said dinner is ready.”

There wasn’t a single sound past the door. He knew better than to open it without permission.

_ Get a grip _ .

Things were better now. Not as much as he hoped, but patience is required when it comes to Kei.

“I’m coming in,” he says, not moving to open the door. His hands twitch at his sides, curious, but not wanting to break trust again.

_ I don’t want that. _

So he bangs on the door harder. 

“Hello!”

“Ack!” The thud behind the door only causes a split-second panic.

“Kei!” But it goes away, after hearing  _ his _ voice, Akiteru has nothing to worry about.

“Dinner’s ready, hurry up!” he doesn’t yell, just uses his “adult” voice whenever he tries to scold his brother. Of course, it has no effect, as per usual.

_ We’re okay… He’s okay. _

Akiteru is just glad for someone like Tadashi.

* * *

“What?” his voice comes out strong, almost intimidating. It makes Tadashi mad by the second. “What do you mean  _ therapy _ ?”

“It means he’s getting help,” Sara’s right leg shakes under the table. Tadashi can feel his anxiety piling up like heavy textbooks, stressing following after. 

“The fuck he needs that for?”

He hates it, how his father treats him like he’s not there. He’s not a person, he’s not his son, he’s not anyone important.

“It’s none of our business.”

“Why are you protecting him?”

“He’s my son.”

The sudden silence falls hard, almost drops like a boulder, crashing everything in front of them. He can hardly see his father’s face. It’s distorted, lost, scrambled like radio static.

His father says nothing.

That was the end of it, the tension felt solid, like bricks stacked on top of their heads. It ruins appetites, Tadashi hardly ever eats with his family, usually they just eat when they could and do their own thing. 

_ When did we start sitting at the table? _

He wants to ask, curious turning to fear. 

_ Why? _

The words don’t come out, not noticing his tongue being bitten back, held against the end of his mouth. It stays captive by his own anxiety.

“I’m off,” his father always said the same thing. The same words before disappearing off into the night. 

_ Maybe he’s with that woman again… Doesn’t matter now. _

The chopsticks accidentally smack at the bottom of his plate. The sound surprises him, jolting back into the current time. 

“Are you…” Sara’s food remains hardly touched, “going to nationals?”

“Yeah,” his lackluster response makes him sound kind of mean. He didn’t mean. All he can do is hope his mother didn’t pick up that tone, misunderstandings are always messy.

“That’s nice,” she rolls around the vegetables, prodding at them whenever they get to the end of the plate. “When’s your next session?”

“Tomorrow,” he licks his lips. He’s not hungry.

“Alright.”

That was that. Her body was restless, dark circles gathering under her eyes, heavy and painful just to look at. Her legs feel like they’ve been running miles every second she’s awake, the constant shaking and trembling weakens her throughout the day.

If she knew how much pain it was to have withdrawals.. she would have done nothing. There’s nothing she could have done to be prepared for it, no warning would have been enough. The temptation to run to the nearest store, grab a few bottles and end her night drunk off her fucking mind.

The chair across her scrapes on the floor.

“I should get started on homework,” Tadashi doesn’t look at her. His eyes lay low, looking on the floor full of old scratches and stains. Even if he tried to wipe the floor, there were some things that refused to leave.

Sara nods, chewing on her bottom lip. She can feel her right leg shake, foot tapping the grounding, mistaking for impatience when she’s struggling to calm herself down. Her head hurts, body aches, and nothing in her mind makes sense.

_ I need it, I need it, I need it. _

She clenches her fist.

_ You don’t need it. _

Her head falls back, eyes burning from the ceiling light. 

_ Need a new lightbulb. _

**Just one sip.**

“I hate this,” she mumbles, harshly dropping her head on the table. Her eyes feel droopy, tears gathering at the corners. “This is hard.”

_ Just one bottle. _

One bottle can turn into two. Her feet, numb, walk away from the table. It’s cold outside, there’s a few crickets chirping as she passes down. The wind feels sharp, stinging her ears. It’s a high pitch sound that passes by her ears, singing a hauntly tune. 

_ Just a case of beer. _

The liquor store’s lights blared a neon yellow and red. The Kanji characters obnoxiously screamed in her face that they were open. Her feet dug into the pavement, superglued on the edge by the street, just a single breath could have her fall back.

_ Just- _

She blinks, finally taking a step.

_ I'm so sorry Hiro. I failed as a mother. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what to do after a relapse [here](https://www.rehabs.com/what-to-do-after-relapse/)  
> -  
> sorry for the wait. sometimes you need time off after a relapse and countless therapy sessions. take care!


End file.
